James Hetfield
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“TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC”
~ James Hatfield on James Hatfield
“nah, nah nah, nah nah!!!”
~ James Hatfield on Ride the Lightning Demo
“Give me fuel, Give me fire, Give me a fucking beer already!!”
~ James Hetfield on being a drunk
“I'm not as drunk as my dead pet chinchilla may make me out to be”
~ James Hetfield to the police
James "I think he's had a few jars already, in fairness" Hetfield is a
Secret Undercover Hillbilly, or maybe a Redneck guitarist and singer from the band Metallica. Eloquent, observant, and rarely prone to sweaty temper tantrums that result in whiny putdowns and childish door-slams, James Hatfield is a prime figure in metal.
James Hatfield is clearly some form of superior being, and sings like a demon.
James Hatfield is pretty motherfucking badass, and has many blonde-headed wanna-be metalhead prepubescent boys whose mom's dress them up in American Eagle who worship him. The only person more talented than James Hetfield is Clint Eastwood. Anyone who claims otherwise has a can of WHOOP-ASS opened up on them, not to mention gets a blow-job from Lars. In spite of the previous information, James is actually a phenomenal badass!.
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[edit] Early life
He was adopted by spartans and raised by a pack of wolves in northern California wich later became a hit movie based on his life . He resided there until 1981, when he met Lars Ulrich and started a band called "Extreme Elimination Challenge Thrash Metal Supergroup for Worshipping Satan as Well as Extensively Masturbating," although this was later changed to the more readable "One Danish Knob and and a Metal God".
James felt that "One Danish Knob and a Metal God" (as it was then called) could do with the help of another band member and soon recruited Dave Mustardstain for lead guitar and background vocal noises. It was then that he met Cliff Burton who, contrary to popular belief decided on the Metallica name (did you really think Lars was that clever?) for their new band. Eventually due to extensive drug, alcohol, and physical abuse, Mustardstain was thrown out of the band.
[edit] Metallica Era
From 1983 to about 1996, all was well and good in Hatfield's life: his band was good; his life was good. Then Hatfield and other band members inexplicably rid themselves of that which gave them their power - their hair. Years would go by while James and Metallica struggled to bring back what fans called their "old sound." James became a heavy drinker. In an exclusive interview at the tv show "Jesus and pals" interviewer Jesus tried to convince him to grow back his hair and to start using drugs to get back to a more rock 'n roll image. This part of the show is never seen on television but a leaked version appeared on napster a few weeks later. The final straw came during a spot on the Jeremy Kyle Show, where James revealed that his father used to "rape, drug, beat, shit, piss, fly and drive" the young Hatfield, who would then be beaten further as punishment for not being an acceptable all-purpose organism. During one of the later beatings, which occurred in 1998, James finally stood up to his father and said he would not tolerate any more abuse. He then offered up Lars as a token of his respect. Mr. Hetfield Sr. now utilises Lars' gimp skills while he and his virgin lover Christina Aguilera masquerade as seagulls and insert mousepads into their anuses from 40 yards away from each other at the county fair.
[edit] Struggles
Metallica did indeed go back to their "old sound" by releasing no less than 4 disks of studio quality material of other bands' old songs, other bands' old songs played during the days when Metallica still had their old sound, and new versions of their old songs played with an orchestra. If that sounds confusing, you're not alone. The band subsequently hired a psychiatrist to help them through their lives' confusion and mental block on music. After realizing that he would have to write a full album of new songs for Metallica's 8th studio album, James, who was experiencing family and career difficulties, was driven to enter rehab for alcoholism and "other addictions," which included eating boy bands for breakfast and pop starrs for dinner. James, in a period of desperation, also failed to try and say frantic in 2 syllables, ensuing in epic lulz people may also remember the hissy fit on the dvd "Some Kind Of Money Grabbing Cock Suckers" which sold 1 dvd btw.
[edit] Rape Those Iraqis!
Since the last couple of albums have been utter Fuckbollocks, reigning US republican tyrant Barack Obama, from Texas, has decided to forcibly insert the vinyl releases into the rectal passages of Guantanamo Bay detainees. Now their arseholes are no longer as tight as Lars Ulrich's snare drum, thanks be to God.
[edit] The Abilities of this 'Great Man'
Many claim that James has lost much of his old powers (though if Death Magnetic is any indication, he has lost nothing), but the following things are true:
- His guitar weighs 5000lbs and its strings are more lethal than cyanide laced barbed-wire.
- Was part of the musical fundraiser to play the first eve gig in the war-torn region that is Barbra Streisand's snatch.
- James can play all of Beethoven's 9 symphonies and finish composing the 10th, on a guitar hero controller.
- Doesn't believe in Gatorade, or birds.
- Favourite film is Charlie's Angels II. Favourite book is the Satanic Verses.
- Whenever James plays Pastor Of Muppets, somewhere, somehow a random atheist converts to Christianity.
- Has been credited with inventing the phrase "You flamin' hipposhizzle!" to the public lexicon.
- During a concert James must set his volume levels to below 1% or else the venue would explode from sheer fucking awesomeness.
- Can't stand things beginning with the letter 'M'; Monsters, Morgan Spiced gin, mothers or male pattern baldness.
- Christened his first-born son 'Melody.' His second was 'Prince.' His third was 'Debbie.' His fourth was, also, 'Melody.'
- Favourite band is Wings. Jerks off to the image of all the band members except for Paul McCartney. Then, when that's finished, he jacks off to Paul, separately.
- Confessed to having a teen crush on Henry Winkler aka The Fonz!
- Once was engaged to both Sean Penn and Marilyn Monroe, for a brief period in the 1950s.
- Has an IQ of between 1336 and 1338.
- Laughs regularly at the comedy of Jerry Seinfeld. Also laughs at dead Iraqi civilians. Haha!
- James has since learned how not to set of the metal detector at airports.
- Any amplifier that James Hatfield plays through must be registered as a WMD.
- James sometimes uses a time-warp to do several gigs at a time.
- Loves a good hug, a half-million beers and a nice new golden submarine every day to play with.
- Once sent the entire Taliban army running with a single pluck of his guitar strings. Now that's badass...
- The owner of every Megadeth album in existence. He buys them to burn 'em.
- Cannot spell the word "Melody" as you can see in the song "Justice Medley".
- Has an extra hand in his beard, for some hardcore riffing.
- Once blew himself up on stage just to prove he could do it and live to tell about it.
[edit] Controversies
On September 15 2008 Swedish broadsheet Göteborgs-Posten revealed that through extensive investigative journalism they had discovered that James Hatfield's beard was not real. For a number of years the people behind the iconic face gear of Hatfield were the research and development department of Swedish company IKEA. The story first emerged on to the Internet on Uncyclopedia's very own Unnews [1] .
[edit] Modeling career
During early 2008 Hatfield started his own range swimwear, which he has been selling out the back of the tour bus after shows around the country. He has already earned $4,000,000 gross this year. But seems as he owes Lars $10,000,000 for all the blow jobs through the years, he has extended the 'Metallica World Tour' to bring his products to more of his fans.
[edit] See also
- Metallica
- Metalinka
- Lars Ulrich
- Megadebt
- Kirk Hamster
- Dave Mustardstain
- Ron Jeremy
- Michael Schumacher
- Frantic
- Wankers
- and this guy
| Preceded by: Lemmy | God of Metal 1985 - 1984 | Succeeded by: Zeus |
