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“He was obsessed with death and he ended up dying.”
~ James Hetfield on mortality
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James Hetfield, pictured in 2011.

James "I think he's had a few jars already, in fairness" Hetfield is the rhythm guitarist, singer, co-founder, main songwriter, and table for the American heavy metal band Metallica. Known for his blazing fast riffs, most played using downstrokes, James has written some of the greatest metal songs in history; even the haters gotta agree.

Hetfield, who is of rural descent, has become a prime figure in metal thanks to his band's contributions to the genre, such as demonstrating to young metal bands what "selling out" means by releasing St. Anger. This was despite Metallica already being called "sellouts" when they did Fade to Black, and again when they signed to a bigger record label to release Master of Puppets, and again when they released a video for One, and again when they released the Black Album, and again when they cut their hair, and again when they did Load, and Reload, and again when they played with a symphony, and again when they did a song for the Mission Impossible 2 movie, and again when they hired a stupid therapist. You get it now? Like what Cliff said, "Fuck em all."

In fact, Hetfield is clearly some form of Superior Being, with the ability to play 2.5 hour shows playing lightning fast downstroke riffs so that even Dimebag Darrell admits that nobody can touch James in terms of his downstrum. He sings like a demon, with no hint of digital fiddling at all.

Hetfield is praised as a unique rhythm guitarist. While most rhythm guitarists play in the background to a much more technical and skilled lead guitarist, Hetfield has famously and innovatively become a notable exception to this rule when playing with his lead guitarist Kirk Hammet, as Hetfield is a far better lead guitarist than the latter. To the untrained musician, Hetfield is a superior songwriter but it is doubtful he can play some of Kirk's solos.

Early lifeEdit

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about James Hetfield.
Young James

James Hetfield before he discovered alcohol.

Hetfield was born in 1963 in California, to a man and a woman. His mother believed in the power of God and refused to get treatment for her cancer, saying that God would save her. This is counter to the fact which we all know by now that God kills more than he saves. James' father, at that point the sole provider for his family, chose to abandon them because he considered them a burden. After Father Hetfield's despicable actions, James' mother was given the task of working full-time while dying of cancer. Due to her sickness, Mother Hetfield die when James was 15 years old. Because of this cowardly act by James' father, it help fueled James to write some of Metallica's best and deepest lyrics. Hetfield went to high school and through his friends went on to discover great bands like Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden and Van Halen, an obscure okay band. One day his football coach gave him two choices if he were to continue playing football in high school. He told him to "cut that mop on his head or [he] will never ever get a chance to discover the joys of getting a concussion." James decided he wasn't interested in getting brain-damaged from playing football and chose music. Wanting to be in a band, he read his local paper and saw an advert that read "Amazingly talented and skilled drummer looking to jam with guitarist to Black Sabbath and Van Halen". Hetfield showed up at the address, wanting to meet this awesome-sounding drummer. The door was answered by a small Dane who was not that good with his English. Hetfield hoped that this was the catch, and that this odd foreigner would indeed be an amazing drummer, the advert not being a stretch of the truth at all. He was wrong.

This drummer was none other than a certain Lars Ulrich. The two started a band but had to decide on a name. Ulrich insisted on "Extreme Elimination Challenge Thrash Metal Supergroup for Worshipping Satan as Well as Extensively Masturbating Over Dead Children". Hetfield, trying to mask how uncomfortable he was around this odd fellow, casually suggested "Metallica", a reference to the classic Beavis and Butt-Head episode that aired 12 years later where the two start a band called Metallica (AC/DC in fact took their name from this same show). Lars Ulrich liked the name Metallica, as it had a nice ring to it. He was completely unaware that Hetfield was actually saying "Metallic", but involuntarily kept adding "-AH" to the end of the word. This name stuck.

Early MetallicaEdit

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Hetfield machine tooled his first guitar. The hair came later.

James and Lars felt that Metallica could do with the help of another band member and soon hosted auditions for other members. Their first audition entered the room, plugged in his guitar and single-handedly invented thrash metal on that day when he shredded the greatest guitar solo ever heard. James and Lars didn't even need to audition anyone else after this and offer him a position in the band, as well as a nice cold beer. They discovered that this fellow was actually a bassist called Cliff Burton. Amazed, they begged him to be in Metallica. "Metallica?" he replied, "Oh shit! I'm at the wrong place". Disappointingly, Burton was supposed to be auditioning for another band. He returned to San Francisco to shred in some other band, and so the Metallica crew hired a bassist called Ron McGovernment, who was simply an ordinary fellow with nothing special about him except that he was James' childhood friend. They still needed a lead guitarist, and so held auditions again. A local resident named Dave Mustaine auditioned, and proceeded to shred what he believed to be the greatest solo in metal. Compared to Burton's bass solo, this paled, but it was still good enough for him to get in. He was also offered a cold beer by James Hetfield.

Dave Mustaine would, however, turn out to be a massive knobjockey, and not in a sexual way, but personality-wise. Mustaine, who was never seen sober, trashed McGovernment's car, and when the other two complained, he beat the shit out of them. Mustaine angrily yelled "You can't fire me, I quit!" and left the building. He returned the next and asked "Can I be back in the band (wiping tears)?". "Sure," was the answer.

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The young Dave Mustaine taking a crap and playing his guitar upside down at the same time. Today he can only do one of these things properly.

After Mustaine was forgiven and granted his second chance, he immediately poured beer all over Ron McGovernment's bass. Then, he hooked twelve car batteries to the wet bass and hid behind a wardrobe to watch his hilarious prank unfold. McGovernment picked up the bass, was electrocuted and received second-degree burns which sent him to the hospital. "Ha ha, that's funny," said Mustaine. As McGovernment was taken away on a stretcher, he told James that he was quitting as he was not taking Mustaine's shit any longer. James and Lars headed out to a gig in San Francisco, and heard an amazing guitar player. Wanting to kick Mustaine out for being a total dick and ticking time bomb, they went to find this lead guitarist, only to spot their old pal Cliff Burton onstage with his bass. They told him that he was "way too good and gifted to be wasting his talents on a band that would go nowhere" and convinced him to join Metallica, to which he agreed. James, Lars, and Cliff celebrated by getting high and drinking cold beers.

After playing several gigs with Burton, they were dismayed to find out Mustardstain was still a problem. They began their journey from California to New York City, sleeping at houses that belonged to friends, family, and fans and were pissed off at the way Dave was treating the kind folks that let them sleep in their houses. On the road while Dave slept and dreamt about destroying the next house, James, Cliff, and Lars secretly discussed the worst way they could fire Dave. They came to the conclusion that they will fire him as soon as they arrived in New York, so he could spend the next few days on a crowded bus thinking about what he has done and all the money he had just lost. Now all they needed was to replace him.

"No second chance?" replied Mustaine. James responded by saying "Second chance? I gave you fucking 100 chances!" He was put on a bus and taken back to Cali. On his way there, he met an Asian guitarist who was on his way to New York in order to audition for a band. He was told by this guitarist that "some unlucky bastard just got kicked out of a band and I'm taking his place". Mustaine laughed at this bizarre coincidence and wished him good luck on replacing that unlucky sod. This guitarist was Kirk Hammet, as Dave would later find out and spend the next 20+ years of his life hating. Now, Metallica's lineup was complete and all they needed was money, a place to live, food, and a never ending supply of beers. They lived next to Anthrax, and the dudes in Anthrax felt bad for Metallica, so they gave them $20.00 to buy food (which was about 1/3 of Anthrax's budget), and supplied them with a small tiny fridge. Metallica would repay the favor by taking them on tour with them numerous times for the many years to come.

Metallica EraEdit

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Baby James Hetfield back in the day, before he wound up looking like the Cowardly Lion (see below).

Metallica's first album was Kill 'Em All, a hearty metal album which served as a fuck-you to all the glam rock bands that were around at the time. The title came from bassist Cliff Burton, who based it on former guitarist Dave Mustaine's title Killing Is My Business. Unlike later Metallica albums like And Justice For All or Death Magnetic, these songs didn't last 9 minutes or even get boring after the first three. Most of the songs were simple but had a message. That message was "We are going to kill you, the fake people, the posers in the crowd." Kill 'Em All featured such hits as Four Horsemen, originally written by former guitarist Dave Mustaine as Mechanix; Whiplash, originally written by former guitarist Dave Mustaine as Rattlehead; and Phantom Lord, originally written by former guitarist Dave Mustaine as Looking Down on the Cross. The songs in between, such as No Remorse, were all written by former guitarist Dave Mustaine. The only song that he had not written was Cliff Burton's bass solo, Anaesthesia (Pulling Teeth), which was actually written by former guitarist Dave Mustaine.

The rest of the band denies this, insisting that Mustaine received credit where it was due, and only helped with four songs, but Mustaine insists that such an assertion is false. Because of Dave's contribution to the songs on Kill Em All, he has made more from this album than his entire Megadeth career. Maintaining his role in the album's creation – and indeed the rise of thrash metal – Mustaine went on to say the rest of the band are "filthy liars, I wrote that whole album. Clearly they don't hold a candle to me, I mean, just listen to Kill 'Em All, it's all slow and poser. They can't write thrash for shit. My band is way better". Angered by Metallica using his material but happy at the the fact that they put his name on the CD and sent him a check every few months, Mustaine luckily found a bass demigod called David, and the two Daves joined forces to become Super Dave. They gathered new friends at the local Alcoholics Anonymous by bringing beer and promising to pay them. Though too drunk to play in time or even play accurately, Metallica now had a rival thrash metal band in Megadeth.

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Ride the Lighting and who wired this up before we went on stage?

Metallica's second release was 1984's Ride the Lightning. For this album, the band was called a "sell out" because they decided they were sick of chugging on the E string and wanted to write a melodic song. The song was called Fade to Black, inspired by some criminals who stole their gear, forcing them to use Anthrax's gear. They let Burton write most of the songs and then the rest of the band contributed to them. James was angry at the world and wrote about dying and burning things up, while Cliff was experimenting with different ways to make the bass sound more like a guitar. Lars decided it was time to play double bass, and Kirk realized that all the riffs he had selfishly kept secret from his previous band could now be used to make something better. The only person who had no contributions was Mustaine, because the band, fed up of Mustaine's accusations of thievery, wanted to be as original as possible. Mustaine bought a demo copy, and listened to it so he could figure out how to one-up Metallica for his next album. To his dismay, the song Ride the Lightning so happened to contain a single riff which had two notes in common with a riff Mustaine had once improvised several years earlier while attempting to play a different song. This angered Mustaine, who demanded that he share credit with the rest of the band for this song. While looking at this song list, he also noticed one of the songs was called Call of Ktulu. Mustaine had read the book Call of Cthulhu that one time when he was in the band, and he borrowed it from Burton, who actually came up with the title. Mustaine also demanded a writing credit for this song for having "come up with the title", and so this is the last song credited to him. Unfortunately for Metallica, Mustaine's fans would read the credit as "J Hetfield, L Ulrich, C Burton, DAVE MUSTAINE". This tragically upset the band, causing Ulrich to weep in his room for several weeks listening to Hetfield's Fade to Black, a song about how depressed the band was after Mustaine was falsely credited for the whole Kill 'Em All album, even Cliff Burton's solo Anaesthesia.

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'Gottle of gear anyone?' Hetfield's booze intake were making his stage appearances increasingly more wooden. Moreover, he was going bald.

The crew had sweet unmatched revenge on Mustaine in the form of their third album, Master of Puppets, released in 1986. The title track is a reference to Mustaine's fans, who are the puppets to Mustaine, the "master", being led to believe that he was Metallica's only member, and also has a double meaning in which the "master" is cocaine and the puppet is the addict, a sly jab at Mustaine's cocaine addiction. Of course, Mustaine was too strung out on cocaine to notice this, or even to notice that Metallica had released a new album with new songs he could take credit for. When he did wake up from this high, he tried hurriedly convincing people that he wrote Leper Messiah, but it was too late, and Metallica finally had an album where Mustaine had no credit whatsoever. All was going good for the band, until a tragedy struck them later that year that they would never forget – Megadeth released Peace Sells, their second effort. This album, full of cult rituals and black magic, scared Metallica, and almost made them ditch thrash. Mustaine was glad he had achieved his life goal by releasing the heaviest album ever, and felt like he could finally put his all his anxieties away, but Slayer, another rival of Megadeth, with Dave calling them "posers wearing eyeliners", had other ideas and made an even heavier album that year, unleashing the fury of Satan into the masses. Also Anthrax unleashed Among the Living the same year. Scientists believed the Earth would sink due to the amount of metal. Upon finding out, Mustaine screamed "FUCKING SLAAAYER!", but his anger went unnoticed as this is exactly how devoted Slayer fans refer to the band.

Death of MetallicaEdit

Master of Puppets catapulted Metallica to fame. All this success meant that they went on a worldwide tour to support Master. Cliff Burton was planning on taking Metallica's music in a whole different direction, and the rest of the band let him do so. Using his bass as an orchestra, Burton wrote two masterpieces: a classical composition called To Live Is to Die, and a poem where Burton wishes he was dead. While performing in Europe, the band's cheap tour bus had uncomfortable and unsatisfactory beds. There was one bed which was comfortable, and Kirk Hammet bagsied it. The rest of the crew had to figure out which bed was whose, so they drew cards to who would have which bed. Burton went to draw the cards first, and being Jesus Christ, used his divine powers to draw the ace of spades. This meant he could have any bed he wanted. "I want your bunk!" he told Kirk Hammet. Kirk reluctantly decided rules are rules, so he went to sleep up front. Cliff went to sleep in the bunk next to the highly fragile window that was the only window in the bus that didn't have safety glass.

At 7AM the next morning, on some godforsaken road in Sweden, the bus apparently skidded on black ice and began violently shaking. The rest of the band were thrown around as they screamed and panicked. The bus crashed and Burton was thrown out of the window, before he was crushed under the weight of the bus. James and Kirk were moments away from sending the bus driver to an early grave, but luckily they were both held back. A crane came to lift the bus, but the crane was made in China and therefore caused the bus to fall down again, crushing Cliff one more time. Cliff Burton died there, and in a shocking coincidence, so did the "classic" Metallica. Dave Mustaine was on the verge of making a smartass comment, but he ultimately decided that he should probably keep his mouth shut this time. Ironically, Metallica had just toured with Ozzy to support the Master of Puppets album, who himself lost his guitar player Randy Rhoads on tour in a freak accident a few years ago as well.

“The whole bus was violently shaking; I felt like we were going over a Cliff!”
~ Kirk Hammet on the fatal bus accident

Sadly, with Burton gone, Metallica had to retire not only the band, but also their plans to fire Lars Ulrich, seeing as the guy was really annoying and couldn't drum to save his life. This is according to Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian, who is also quoted as saying "those chickenshits wouldn't have fired him anyway". After a night of drinking and grieving, the crew decided to carry on without Burton by making their own completely new band. Hetfield, Hammet and Ulrich recruited bassist Jason Newstead – the only bassist who turned up to audition who didn't look like a "poser in a girl's clothes" – and founded their own band, Metallic-ah. This new band would be much more low-pitched and heavier than their last band. They decided that Jason would never be Cliff, even though he wasn't planning to be, and would spend the next decade treating him as a "hired gun" only. Kirk and Lars eventually accepted Jason but James was still dealing with "the struggling within" about Cliff's untimely death.

Metallic-ahEdit

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In 1996 the band underwent a change of style and cut their hair. Pictured here is guitarist Kirk Hammet in all his musical glory.

For Metallic-ah's debut album (and Hetfield's fourth), And Justice For All, the band decided to challenge their listeners by recording everything underwater in order to get the cleanest but flattest sound ever. For the album they had Jason Newsted playing bass into a speaker that was not turned on, and recorded the clanky metal string sound that comes from an unplugged bass. For the guitars, James decided it was best to turn the treble up high, and everything else on minimum. Lars decided that since he was getting a little better on drums, he was confident in making his drum sound clear now, therefore making his drum overpowering on the album. They decided that they were sick of eating cup noodles and released a video for their version of Girls, Girls, Girls, called One. The music video was a hit and was being played in heavy rotation on MTV, usually right after a "happy-go-lucky" glam rock song. Because of the music video, people realized that hair metal was just not giving them an opportunity to express their anger and that was the decline of hair metal. The album starts off with a kick-ass riff written by the new guy, Blackened. Then, halfway through the song it suddenly sounds like it has become For Whom the Bell Tolls before coming back and eating your face with its brutal riffs and guitar solo. The next song, the title track, is even longer, so long in fact that Metallica would never play it live for over 10 years. If you could bear the almost 10 minute track, you will be gifted with some of the best guitar work James and Kirk has ever put out. This is followed by more of the same thing for half the album. Those who managed to make it all the way through are treated to the album's best song, Frayed Ends of Sanity, a song about a football game, where the audience is heard chanting "Oh We Oh, We Oh Oh". To Live Is to Die is Burton's final song combined with his poetry written before his death where he wishes to die than live in a world full of sin. Dyer's Eve is a song about James' feelings towards religion and his daddy. The latter, as well as the live performance in Seattle 1989, are usually used as an example of Lars Ulrich not being a bad drummer. Rumour has it that Lars Ulrich was on speed when it was recorded. For And Justice, Metallic-ah's bassist Jason Newstead had his bass parts turned down to the point where it almost can't be heard. Various explanations have come about for this. James Hetfield insists that Newstead's basslines were so similar to the guitar it can't be heard, which is logical due to Jason using a low bass/high treble tone. Others cite problems with the frequency. The truth is, James and Lars did this just to be dicks, because they wanted a good laugh, and because they were drunk.

Metallic-ah's finest album was an album called Metallica (1991), a touching tribute to California thrash metal-era Metallica, of which Hetfield, Ulrich and Hammet were members. The band poured their blood, sweat and tears into this album, and wrote the slow tempos as a tribute to their old bandmates in their former band (that is, Cliff Burton). This poignant album was a best-seller and was lauded by critics and fans alike for its amazing musicianship. However, the album's debut at number one on the charts royally angered their old rival Dave Mustaine. Mustaine was currently celebrating a number two spot prior to this. Mustaine was tormented by this, and his drug abuse worsened. He decided to copy Metallic-ah by doing the exact same thing in Megadeth's Countdown to Extinction. Ulrich insisted that Mustaine was unaware that Metallic-ah was a completely different band to Metallica. Mustaine pointed out that as Cliff was the only member he actually liked, at least since Burton died and it was not cool to diss him, he didn't care. Mustaine eventually admitted that he also liked James Hetfield because James gave him "100 chances" before firing him. Also Dave couldn't deny James' guitar playing skills.

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Inspired by the Lion King, Hetfield adopts a new stage persona.

Their follow-up albums, Load (1996) and Reload (1997), were accepted by hardcore yet loyal and devoted fans, who praised Metallic-ah's change in style, saying that, although the musicianship in the Burton-era albums was great, they deeply respected the experimental elements of the albums and said that this quality placed them over the thrash metal albums of their past. The album was like McDonald's chicken nuggets: you couldn't tell what was in there. Some songs retained the hard rock elements, while some songs were slow and dreamy, and they even created a country song. Fans were confused, but they still bought the album like hot cakes; for every 2 or 3 bad/average songs, there would be a kickass song. While they did receive moderate success, Metallic-ah were reluctant to keep this style, as they would rather release another Kill 'Em All or Ride the Lightning than continue like this. However, this marked the end of Metallic-ah, as Jason Newstead, fed up with the disrespect he was getting from an out-of-control and mentally broken Hetfield, decided to leave in early 2000. Prior to leaving he told Lars that he intended to leave, which Lars said that he was also thinking of leaving too. Jason talked to Kirk, who told him to think very carefully before making any rash decisions. Jason left as James was heavy into alcohol just as Dave was into cocaine and firing his bandmate. Before leaving Jason told the guys in the band that they have lost their ways and should take a year or so off to "get shit together". They told Jason that they were getting ready to write their greatest album yet, "St.Anger". As Jason left, James finally realized that he was pretty fucked up, and decided to get therapy to fix his work life, as well as his private life. James left for over a year, leaving Lars and Kirk to record and compose the entire "St.Anger" album by themselves. Metallic-ah parted ways. Hetfield, Ulrich and Hammet decided to create another completely different band, called Metallic-AAH, 2 years later.

During this time they recruited a spiritual guru, also known as a "con man", to come talk to them so that they could pay him hundreds and thousands of dollars to say stuff like "Chill out guys" and "You guys are good, keep it up" to lighten their spirits. Jason actually met this guru once in a hotel before his final meeting with the band mate, telling the guru to "get out of the room before I unleash hell on your old balding skinny ass." After James returned over a year later, Metallica-AAH did some auditions for a new bass player. They jammed with a few guys, but most of them couldn't even play Metallica's simple songs from the Cliff Burton days. James decided that those guys suck and finally decided to go with an "up and coming" bass player who didn't want to fuck around with the easy shit, and went straight into playing "battery." They were impressed with his skills and offered him one million dollars to join, as well as a cold beer. He took the money, but denied the beverage because it will cause his muscles to shrink.

"St.Anger" was released and without any radio play, catapulted James' new band into the number one slot. The band went on tour, mostly playing covers from their old bands, but despite this, they sold out all shows. The album, however, was created in a time where James, Kirk, and Lars were so angry that the only way to express the "anger that only super successful musicians can understand" was to make the album as loud and annoying as possible, thus making the fans feel angry and pissed off. Lars decided to switch off his snare head in order to get the loudest most annoying sound possible, while James decided to tune his guitar so low that you can't even hear what is being played clearly, while Kirk decided that he didn't want to put any effort into writing great solos to songs where nobody would even want to listen to them. "St.Anger" still contained great songs like "Frantic," "St.Anger", " Shoot Me Again", " Unnamed Feeling", " All Within My Hands", & "Some Kind of Monster". It is this album that we are treated to the worst song that James has ever written, "Sweet Amber".

James and his band got sidetracked with some bullshit for a while and did not release a new album until 2008. They released "Death Magnetic", a nice return to their roots while maintaining the poor production quality of 'St.Anger'. Lars claims that "We wanted to give fans a taste of the old and new. The songs were similar to the stuff we did with Jason, but the quality is similar to the thing we did for that last album, er, St. Anger. This way fans will know that it is still us, the same band that made 'St.Anger'." Once again it went straight to number one and contained great songs such as "All Nightmare Long", and "The Day That Never Comes", a song about a car that ran out of gas in the Middle East.

James would not return to make another CD with this band until 2016, when they released "Hardwired to Self-Destruct." To promote the album they suddenly unleashed the "short but sweet" title track into the internet. The album debuted at number one again, beating out long time rival singer "Bruno Mars". Fans were excited, but they soon found out that half of the songs were not that great. "Hardwired", "Moth to Flame", "Dream no More", "Atlas Rise", & "Halo on Fire", kept the fans excited to listen to the second half of the album, only to be let down by the long and repetitive songs on the second CD. Metallic-AAH decided that they wanted to make a song even worst that "Sweet Amber", and wrote "ManUNkind", a tribute to Mick Foley, the wrestler. However, they kept their secret weapon for the very end, an 8 minute speed metal track known as "Spit Out The Bone", a song about the guy from Home Alone getting attacked by aliens. Fans ultimately decided that the album was pretty cool and that the really good songs on the album made up for the so-so songs.

Personal lifeEdit

Modeling careerEdit

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Some Kind of Sea Monster?

James started his modeling career at a very young age, usually posing with a bottle of beer or standing in front of a liquor store. During the late 80's and early 90's, James saw the "Wizard of Oz" for the first time and was inspired to look like the Cowardly Lion. James grew a magical beard, which granted him the ability to roar and scream like a demon god from hell. During early 2008 Hetfield started his own range of swimwear, which he has been selling out the back of the tour bus after shows around the country. He has already earned $4,000,000 gross this year, but spent it all on tea with which to "improve" his singing.

ControversyEdit

On September 15 2008 Swedish broadsheet Göteborgs-Posten revealed that through extensive investigative journalism they had discovered that James Hetfield's beard was not real. For a number of years the people behind the iconic face gear of Hetfield were the research and development department of Swedish company IKEA. The story has been covered on the internet by the only news site worth reading, Uncyclopedia's very own UnNews.

James also engaged in some some stone cold beef with Guns & Roses singer Axl Rose during the early 90's. Axl Rose, who weighed 1/3 of James' weight, called out James Hetfield because James Hetfield made fun of Axl's little boy angry fits during concerts, and his "hotel and dinner" requirements. James nicknamed Axl Rose "Axl Pose", which caused Axl so much anger that he cancelled 10 shows to mope and cry. James and his band would end up playing for 4 hours to make up for the fans. Axl's guitar player "Vunter Slaush", who was cool with James and the gang, didn't want James to break Axl in half and therefore took all the anger Axl had at James and directed at himself. To this day, Axl Rose still wants to get it on with James and has been eating cakes and pizzas so that he can be as big as James.

Identity as a tableEdit

One day Lou Reed came to the home of James Hetfield and told him he wanted to write a CD with them. James thought it would be a great idea to write songs with this legendary singer, but little did he know, Lou Reed had something else in mind. Lou Reed reached into his pocket and took out a CD. He put the CD on and James sat there listening to Lou Reed talking on the CD. James Hetfield told Lou Reed if he was joking, and he said no. Lou Reed then told James that Lars already agreed to it so James has no choice. James sat up all night, thinking of ways to write music around Lou Reeds talking. He did not want to tarnish the name "James Hetfield" by having it on the album, so he decided that the only way he was going to be on the album was if he changed his identity all together. He chose the persona "table" to be used on the recording.

During the recording of Lulu, James was growing increasingly tired of Lou Reed constantly "rapping" over the original recordings and decided, after much deliberation, that the only reasonable response to show his distaste was to unleash the table. He was quoted as having said on his decision "I have to say, becoming a piece of furniture has been my best decision in a while. It took a while for Kirk to stop putting his coffee mugs on me. I mean, those rings are a bitch to get out". The other members of the band have shown rather strong apathy to his new status as a table, as the lack of a mouth, arms, and mobility in general make it hard for him to perform, which could lead to Lou rapping even more. Fans hated the album and sent death theats to Lou Reed, but after Lou Reed died in 2013, they felt like assholes and they ultimately said the album still sucked, but at least it wasn't as bad as "Super Collider".

See alsoEdit

Preceded by:
Lemmy
God of Metal
1985 - 1984
Succeeded by:
Zeus


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