James Cook University
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
James Cook University (JCU) is an Australian tertiary education institution located in the regional center of Townsville, Queensland, which is within the confines of the dry/wet tropics. Other campuses include, Cairns (aka Asian Invasion), Mackay (Welcome to boganville?), Mount Isa (Has a female [50% who are commonly mistaken as the opposite sex] to male ratio of 1:1,000), Thursday Island (Friday's are better!), Brisbane and Singapore.
Named after the explorer James Cook in April of 1970, the university has survived to the present day despite several storms including Cyclone Althea. Although this might be the result of the universities policy to build plain solid brick buildings that could withstand a nuclear fallout between Soviet Union and the United States of America. The university was built on the burial grounds of a local aboriginal tribe. It is said that, angered by this use of sacred grounds, the indigenous people summoned a great demon, Sandra Harding, to destroy the university and build in its place a cultural center and tavern.
edit Faculty of Arts, Education & Social Sciences
Students part of the Faculty of Arts, Education & Social Sciences revolve their studies mainly around alcohol and drugs. Ironically despite their profound 'knowledge' with the subject, their grades and professor feedback indicate otherwise.
edit Faculty of Law, Business & Creative Arts
Students that undergo a Law or Business degree are often not seen on campus mainly because of their realization after the first semester that illegal activities (selling endangered Julia Creek dunnart urine) is more profitable than the prospects given by JCU's academic standards.
Creative arts is a category (or rather a warning) given to subjects or degrees that have no practicality once completed.
The discipline of Information Technology is also a part of the Faculty of Law, Business and Creative Arts at James Cook University, despite having no relationship to the other disciplines covered by this faculty. Information Technology was formerly part of the Faculty of Science and Engineering but as punishment for playing too much World of Warcraft the school was forced to become a part of the Faculty of Law, Business and Creative arts by Sandra Harding.
edit Faculty of Medicine, Health & Molecular Sciences
Faculty of Medicine, Health & Molecular Sciences has the highest percentage of "Curries" (80%) who are willing to grind with any girl. The "Med" students work ethics are high and they therefore are physically unable to party as hard as students from other faculties. The pharmacy students may be in the same faculty, however they have been kicked out of every venue which has held their ball and are considered to be on the opposite end of the party spectrum to med kids. OT students believe they are the biggest players out and that they "know how to tag a guy along and drop them when they believe they have had enough" however they are generally just St Raph's girls (see St Raphael's Colleges) with higher self-esteem.
edit Faculty of Veterinary & Biomedical Science
Veterinary Students cannot be spotted anywhere on campus, due to the remote location of their facilities. Studies indicate there are increased amounts of incestuous behaviour (S. S-D) within the faculty, however recent investigations have failed to find a cause. If by chance one is seen in a populated part of the campus, particularly around water sources, it should be treated with extreme caution as constant incest has reduced them to a constant state of primal fear, particularly around exam time. For more detailed infomation see "biologists".
Biomedical students can be spotted hiding in the bushes next to the Medicine building, where they are frequently seen taking notes and looking envious of the Med students. Apparently BM students are Associate Professor Claudia Diaz's favourite group of students.
edit Faculty of Science & Engineering
Geology students and professors alike, are often seen at the University Club studying the fine art of beer drinking. It is not uncommon for a lecture to be given at this same location. Incidents have occurred where students, unfamiliar with the rest of the campus, have failed to attend their final examination (where by regulation must be given in a formal setting).
Zoologists can be identified by their red eyes (rabies?)and stench from the previous night herping.
Similar but worst in smell, biologist, whose life ambition is to study living organisms discover that those organisms live all around us known as bacteria. As a result from this new found enlightenment, these students never take a shower for the rest of their lives as that would kill those precious organisms.
Most but not all environmentalist are found with gas mask and anal probe contraptions to convert and reuse methane and carbon dioxide bi-products of the human body. The other portion of environmentalists, inevitably against global warming, try to disprove its hypothesis by utilizing the earth as an experiment (e.g. During Earth Day these individuals do not recycle or conserve energy but rather display their outdoor cinema mockumentary of Al Gore powered by a coal electricity plant from 1890.)
Engineers live in solitude and isolate themselves with their mathematical equations from the rest of society. Scientific research undertaken at James Cook University showed that 80% of these individuals became albino after their four year degree.
edit Residential Colleges
edit St Mark's Colleges (1965)
Examples used in the Oxford Dictionary definition of 'stupidity' include St Marks College residents. Ugly bogan males are common at St.Marks, usually identified by their long "ratty", missing teeth and fungal infections. Unfortunately for residents of the other colleges they love getting naked! On the bright side, Mark's girls have been taught by their male counterparts how to party and quite a few of them aren't bad to look at. This college, despite its small size is also absolutely boss at Rugby Union.
edit University Hall (1967)
A large portion of University Hall comprises of Americans who come to a "third world country" to meet Australians only to find that they meet Americans who also came to a "third world country" to meet Australians. Food at the catering facility of University hall is equivalent to that being fed to pigs after it was denied from the prison system over health concerns. Extra circular activities involve beer pong, king's cup, other drinking games, more beer pong and throwing up in St Marks backyard. Also known for being terrible at Rugby Union.
edit The John Flynn College (1968)
The resident's of The John Flynn College are known for their extreme need to run around naked, with the firm belief that activity which can be performed naked, will be performed naked (which works out well as 70% of John Flynn is female).
Known as the most social college on Uni, 'Flynner's' are often seen at Club or in Town more than likely hammered, and most probably naked. Further to this they often have on-college parties which more than likely involve a dress up theme, which appears to be irrelevant as they most often end in nudity. Several famous John Flynn events include:
Semi Formal - Getting drunk and naked in their QUAD. Presentation Dinner Dance - Getting drunk and naked in a ball-room. Goldies in the garden - Getting drunk and naked, as well as singing in their QUAD. Progressive dinner - Getting drunk and naked at several locations around Townsville. Animal hut - Getting drunk and naked in their JCR. At home - Getting drunk and naked while performing skits.
Further to this the residents of John Flynn also have their annual QUAD cricket match - involving the two main buildings of John Flynn (Harrison and Phillip) competing against eachother, usually because they can't win at any inter-college sport.
edit St Paul's Colleges (1969)
To enter St Paul college, one needs to provide a finger print, eye scan, FOB, passport, sexual health report, urine sample, blood test and hair sample. It is a well known fact that residents of this college have GPS trackers inserted into their anus upon arrival in O-week.
edit St Raphael's Colleges (1971)
Warning! The apparent plastering of the ceilings in St Raphael's College is actually used their condoms disposal, which explains why the girls there are so sexually active (slutty) especially the ones from 1st floor Grail wing, who are often seen walking up and down the corridors in nothing but g-strings and sneaking in homeless old men past 11pm. WARNING: Any "Raphs" girl you meet will try to take you to their rape dungeon so be very careful as they know exactly how to play with themselves. They may do their homework like a 12 year old virgin but they fuck like rabbits and background check their boyfriends to make sure he has at least 12 criminal convictions, so dont even think about hitting on them, they probably have all the major STD's too. Gossip is endless between these whores so if you are game enough to 'roger' one of them try to be quiet as their walls are paper thin.
edit Western Courts (2009)
Best described as shipping containers converted to house students. It was built after Western Hall was burnt (which didnt work due to the cement construction) and later bulldozed by unhappy illegal Mexicans (Tasmanian?) who were smuggled into Australia through Paula Abdul's ass.
edit Rotary International House (1990)
Self catering complex that houses the least amount of international students. Its distance and unpopularity compared to other colleges has aroused rumors that it is secretly a cult organized by Kim Jong-il to establish a front in the western world. It is also said the first part of their strategy to conquer the world has already been carried out by infesting the campus with Yellow Crazy Ants.
edit George Roberts Hall (2002)
To get from George Roberts Hall to JCU campus requires a carefully planned strategy, roller blades and a rocket engine (brakes would be advisable). As a result of the colleges proximity to the uni club, residents often drunkenly shout abuse at other colleges on Tuesday and Thursday nights.
edit Notable Academics
- Favian Arcidiacono - Has been studying for the past 30 years and is yet to pass a single exam but at least he trys.
- Green Goblin - Graduated with a bachelor of science in Engineering Disasters (1989).
- Frank Pearce - Exchange Student from UCLA in game design, founder of Blizzard (aka [[World of Warcraft|World of Warcrack]).
- Alf Stewart - Graduated with a degree in rape dungeon construction and biting peoples faces.
- Simon Richards - Only Geology lecturer to ever be granted North Queensland's Most Dwarf-like Man for 10 consecutive years.
No other notable academics have graduated from JCU... It must be noted however that many world class drinkers have spawned from this place.