James Blunt
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“We asked for one, but it was too late in the pregnancy for an abortion”
~ Mrs Blunt on James Blunt
“Haha, yea, I know even I don't like my music”
~ James Blunt on James Blunt
“Oww,oww stop”
~ midget on James Blunt
“My favourite child!”
~ Sinead O Connor on James Blunt
“I wonder if someone will make a youtube video about me liking James Blunt?”
~ Hitler on James Blunt
| James | |
|---|---|
| Birth name | James Hitler Blount |
| Also known as | Dickhead |
| Born | 22 February 1974 |
| Origin | former soviet union |
| Died | 2001-9-11 |
| Genre(s) | Shit rock Dead Cat Aural Rape |
| Occupation(s) | Paid Rapist, murderer |
| Instrument(s) | Vocals, guitar, penis |
| Label(s) | Twat/Cockhead/monkeyaids |
| Associated acts | Katie Mulea aka Katie Mu-shit |
| Website | www.Jamescunt.com |
James Cunt Blunt (born James Hitler Blount, 22 February 1974), is an English wanker singer-songwriter whose debut album, Back to Bed With a Group of Consenting Minor's, and single releases, especially "You're Beautiful Because I've Been Drinking", brought him much fame around 2005. His style of music is comparable to murdering a baby with a diseased cat. Recording for independent American label Pants Custard Records, Blunt won a bunch of pending court cases for being a serial child sex-offender- AWARDS! He released his second album All The Lost Souls, in 2007. An album dedicated to a midget he raped to death when he was a teenager and two military comrades he accidentally killed.
Prior to embarking on a career in music, Blunt did work for the army as a professional rapist TANK DRIVER . While posted to Iraqosovo, Blunt was introduced to the idea of self harm and Emo's. He was too old to become part of the movement, yet on occasion he does like to cut himself and wear make-up.
Blunt's primary residence is now on the Spanish island of Ibiza in a fortified compound. Rumor's abound that Blunt has several midgets held captive in his dungeon. Midgets have no human rights in Ibiza and this suits Blunt for his purposes of midget rape! Midgets are also extremely common to see in Ibizian zoo's, and are often kept as pets or butlers! Though all are castrated to avoid over breeding!
Contents |
[edit] Birth
Depending on what you've been told, you may think he was born in a hospital like a normal individual such as Gary Coleman. However, in truth, James Blunt was born in Antartica, in a lab which was attempting to genetically create a male baby without testicles, that retained a functional penis preferably on the head somewhere. This project was called Operation Testic-u-clear , after many failed attempts to create a perfect T.F.B (testicle-free-baby), Ellen Degeneres, Queen Elizabeth, Chris Martin to name but a few. The scientists -who were half Japanese half Jew aka Jewanese- finally succeeded in birthing a T.F.B.
The benefits of a baby such as this, being a high pitched voice and a soft supple ass for the powers that be to use as a fuck toy!
Contrary to popular belief, James Blunt is indeed a dick has no internal organs or discernible body hair and is what is commonly referred to as a cunt husk of a man.
The midget was buried on the day of James' release and he headed up the funeral by singing his entire back catalog of songs. All of which had been inspired in some way or form by the midget. To this day the midget's teeth are still missing. It is suspected that James removed them and forced them down his urethra as a tribute to John the midget. He was once rumored to have been overheard telling a friend "Well I was inside him so much over the years, I thought it only fair that part of him get to be inside me, so I shoved his teeth into my man pussy"
[edit] Military Career
After leaving the lab, he joined the UN (pronounced 'un'). It was while on duty in Iraqastan that he first tasted blood while sucking off a friend, James' teeth ripped the man's penial shaft and blood and semen gushed into his mouth, James continued sucking him off until the man died after ACCIDENTALLY drinking the blood his friend Jiff. He knew from this point on that he would become a huge dickhead professional singer and make a living out of his voice and many songs about raping a midget love.
As luck would have it for the rest of us, he was locked into a military contract for many more years after he reached his decision to be a professional wanker singer. So he was unable to discharge himself from military service, however he could still discharge his penis and frequently did so! Whilst on patrol one afternoon with his penis in his hand commanding officer, they came under fire from a rag-tag bunch of angry Jew's in Iraqistan. Being aware of being outnumbered James turned his penis GUN on his commanding officer and blew his load brains out. The Jew's, taking notice of this turn of events ceased fire and approached Blunt but would not shake his hand until he had washed them.
Unluckily for the world's non-deaf population, he completed all his tours of duty without getting killed or raped too often. The incident's involving the murder of both his military colleagues were simply written off as follies and seen as accidents. The families of those men were given compensation, in the form of vials of semen. However the bodies are yet to be returned to. As James had a slight regression mentally and wished to keep the corpses so that he could rape them. He requested this from the military at his court hearing for his discharging his penis all over Iraqi citizens.His request was granted, as the court was aware of his past and thought it to be in everyone's best interest that James get to keep the corpses for sexual pleasure, lest he turn his attention to midgets once more.
[edit] Singing Badly
Blunt recorded Back to Bedlam in 2003 while living with Princess Leia from Star Wars, whom he had met through the family of a former midget lover Yoda. Princess Leia was very supportive of Blunt, suggesting the name of the album, and providing use of a sexdroid and a recording studio,in her castle for Blunt to record the song "Goodbye My Lover" an ode to John the Midget.
The debut album from the known sex offender Blunt attracted criticism for being a pile of shit! His live performances, mainly in prisons, received mixed reviews. Blunt's lack of performing experience and constantly masturbating with audience members on stage was commented upon! While his music was likened to that of deranged child that had the vocal chords of a cat with a hammer. In March 2004, with Blunt performing in the support role for Katie Melua in Manchester, he ran on stage and attempted to force himself onto Melua,
Blunt's third single "You're Beautiful" was his breakout hit dubbed so, because it was released the week he broke out of a maximum security facility in Italy! He had been jailed after appearing on a childrens tv show and asking kids to come to his hotel room!
[edit] Criticism
Blunt's music is known for being shit, that is not an issue. It is his severe and often odd behavior that has gotten him the majority of his criticism. People tended to look the other way when he forced himself on midgets and men and women. But it was his attempted rape of Hulk Hogan that caused outrage among the public. Not because of who he was trying to rape. But because the rape was botched and it was the first time in his successful career as a professional singer rapist that he did not succeed in overpowering his victim. Apparently Hulk turned the table on Blunt and raped him. The first time he had been violated since his time in his lab! This incident lost Blunt many fans and the respect of millions.
