Jake Gyllenhaal

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Jake Gyllenhaal, right before killing the person who took this photo.

Jake Gyllenhaal is an actor who suffers from a severe state of bipolar disorder after murdering his entire family at a young age. Many times he has been found in the backyards of his neighbors' homes, threatening to murder their families. Tired of hiding, Gyllenhaal went on TMZ, which he likes because it allows him to "stalk famous celebrities," in 2009 and admitted to being the Zodiac killer. But no one believed him

edit Early career

Jake was born in Los Angeles, CA in 19??. After murdering his entire family, except for his sister, Maggie. The two of them fled to the country (their story was adapted into a movie, Natural Born Killers). Soon after burying his family under the Hollywood Sign, he set out to become an actor. He went through many different agents, making all them look like an accident, until he found his mentor, Jesus Christ. He taught him many skills that Gyllenhaal would use throughout his career.

At a dinner with Jesus, he introduced Gyllenhaal to Ron Underwood. Ron told Gyllenhaal about his new movie City Slickers, and when Gyllenhaal was refused a part in the movie, he quickly found out where Underwood lived, kidnapped his family, and threatened to burn them all alive if he didn't receive a part. You can see Jake Gyllenhaal playing Billy Crystal's son in City Slickers.

edit The Dark Ages


Jake Gyllenhaal seen here burying the body of a US Senator he killed

Jake slowly moved through Hollywood as a rising star. Jake starred in Bubble Boy, a film adaptation of the Seinfeld episode of the same name. On the set, Jake Gyllenhaal almost strangled Jerry Seinfeld to death, after he commented on his hair. This was the beginning of the dark ages. He publicly apologized for his lust for vengeance and said he would quit acting for a whole month to get help. As soon as this happened, the Zodiac killer case was coincidently reopened when new evidence surfaced.

Jake suddenly reappeared, after disappearing for 3 weeks, and showed up uninvited on the set of Donnie Darko. The cast and crew tried to kick him off the set, but Jake preceded to kill the actor playing Donnie Darko, Harrison Ford. Jake was then offered the part of Donnie, as Harrison was dead and they needed an actor stat. On the set, Jake was reunited with his sister, Maggie. After filming, the siblings went off and reunited (their story was made into the hit movie These Bitches Be Crazy!!!

Though Donnie Darko had good early reviews, it was widely panned by critics. Roger Ebert said, "I'd rather pass a kidney stone than watch this garbage again." The film currently holds a -6 on Rotten Tomatoes. With these reviews, a sequel was obviously put in production.

edit The Late 2000's

Jake Gyllenhaal refused to do the sequel to Donnie Darko, as he wanted to focus on his relationship with Heath Ledger. The two men had met on a ranch filming a commercial for McDonald's. Though their relationship did not end well. By the end of 2004, Jake's bi-polar disorder had been getting worse. Jake saw it best to split up, due to their public figures, and he was afraid he might hurt Ledger as his disease worsened. As a backup plan, Jake had brought camera-crews to film the relationship as a back-up plan, and when word got out about their times together, he released it as a movie, with extra scenes filmed for story.


Gyllenhaal on the set of a McDonald's Add

Brokeback Mountain was met to brutal reviews. Major controversies surrounded the portrayal of cowboys having a western accent. Clint Eastwood stated in an interview that he was, "appalled that cowboys where that stereotypical. I personally played a cowboy and I didn't talk like this." When asked about the gay characters, Eastwood responded by saying, "they were gay? I thought they were just really good friends. I do this with my Bro all the time."

In the late 2000's, Gyllenhaal was contacted by David Fincher. Fincher wanted to talk about the Zodiac killer. Scared that Fincher discovered his secret, Gyllenhaal started to burn his assets and fake his own death, but Fincher later revealed it was about a movie based on the Zodiac killer, and that no one yet knew he was the actual killer. Gyllenhaal was praised for his toned down performance, because it was very different than previous movies. This was because Gyllenhaal's doctor had been giving him medication for his bi-polar disorder that calmed him.

edit The "I Don't Know What I'm Doing" phase

He made Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.

edit Finally loses his mind


Jake in the waiting room for Jimmy Fallon's show

In May 2012, Jake Gyllenhaal went on Late Night, and attempted to strangle Jimmy Fallon when he mentioned Gyllenhaal's past. Gyllenhaal was brought under question, as he wasn't taking his medication. Gyllenhaal publicly announced that he had finally lost his mind. Hoping to get him back as a reputable actor, Gyllenhaal's agent got him a role as Nightcralwer in the X-Men Series. Gyllenhaal agreed, but only if he could go method and be addressed as Nightcralwer. But Gyllenhaal ended up getting a very different role than an X-Men superhero. Gyllenhaal got even more fucked up after starring in the role, as he was asked to play a delusional psychopath that murdered to better his own personal gain (kind of like Gyllenhaal in real life).


Jake Gyllenhaal's reaction to the Oscars

Gyllenhaal then starred in Enemy, as he thought it would be an emotional drama where he played twins. See, the movie turned out to be a very complicated movie that has many hidden messages and meanings. His view on it is that spiders take over the world.

Since making Nightcrawler, doctors have never been able to save Gyllenhaal's fractured mind. He's since always answered to Louis Bloom, and not Jake Gyllenhaal. He's never been the same. The judges at the Oscars have been protected by the CIA every year to make sure Gyllenhaal doesn't kill them.

Personal tools