From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jacob Zuma (JZ) was the president of South Africa and a powerful sangoma. His long and varied political career has seen him accomplish many things, one good, some bad and many mind-blowingly stupid. In contrast, his career outside of politics has been rash and fool-hardy.
He previously acted as head sangoma in the dangerous cult known as the African National Congress (ANC), a position which he attained after a fierce magical battle with its previous head sangoma Thabo Mbeki. He is considered a hero by many, a fact which baffles many rich white South Africans, but on the whole most people are too uneducated / ill-informed to know or care either way.
edit Early Days. aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
Some say that his brother, Phila Mnisi is as corrupt as him. he was formed when the Earth was formed, congealing together in a matter not unlike algae in a previously good beer. Others claim that his powers can be attributed to an accident involving a shower head, a ferret and the Eskom infrastructure. Others still maintain that he has no powers at all, but instead is either exceedingly lucky or tricky.
Regardless of where he came from, his early years were spent worming his way into the cult of the African National Congress. The government of that time, always on the look out for dangerous new magic users, sentenced him to imprisonment for ten years in the hopes that when he came out he would simply have forgotten about the whole thing and would be content with some sort of BEE deal instead.
edit Personal Life aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
edit On being a complete Asshole aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
Jacob Zuma is considered by many to be a complete and utter, POES. Although you must admit he is clearly the most powerful POES around, because of his many many followers(read "people dumber than he is"), he has attained a position where he is constantly contradicting his own beliefs and core "values".
Eg. Today he rapes an HIV+ activist. Tomorrow he goes to a rape clinic in "Support" of their cause. Today he is in corrupt dealings. Tomorrow he preaches a zero tolerance for crime. Today he says . . . and so on.......
edit Claim to Fame aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
Despite communist connections with Russia and Bob Marley, Zuma proved to be quite a capitalist. His first successful business venture made him the richest man in the world alongside Warren Buffet and Cat Stevens. He designed a shower gel that cures aids through the electrolytes that rapes the virus and subsequently kills it before you crap it out. He has also created over 500 000 jobs for maternity nurses and midwives after fathering half of the children in South Africa. This has resulted in him receiving an endorsement deal by Pampers but many think the deal should have been given to his Friend Julius to see if his butt can look any bigger!
edit His Education aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
JZ quit primary school after it became evident that education was clearly just something that was thought up by the apartheid government to keep the black man down. He found it absurd that people thought it was necessary to know exactly how many cattle one had stolen from a neighbor's farm. It was clearly more important to know the best route over the mountain so-as not to be caught. An unfortunate effect of Jacob's lack of education is that he never learned the definition of the word "crook". He has also never learned of the words "democracy" "economy" or "ownership of property" which helps give him the impression that places like Zimbabwe and Somalia are functional, well run countries which are rather desirable to live in. JZ's education is discussed in more detail in the article Null.
edit His Time in Prison aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
Although many assume that Jacob's time in prison was one of great trial and hardship, one crucial aspect must not be overlooked. At that point, South Africa was designed to be specifically unpleasant for all people of colour. It had several (thousand) laws restricting where they could go, sleep, eat, live, etc, and on the whole was not an incredibly nice place to live. In prison, on the other hand, you were guaranteed three square meals a day. You were given a room, education should you so desire, and enough space to swing a shower head -- you were expected to realize through this that you should stop your evil political ways. Conveniently, if you had not yet picked up any evil political ways, you were surrounded by the best evil politicians the country had to offer (and could incarcerate), so if you were not an evil politician when you went in you were sure to be one by the time you left (and one with some very strong ties to other important politicians).
Jacob flourished in prison, excelling in social relations and music. Although some of his tutors (all of them, in fact) expressed great concern over his lack of spinal existance, they all agreed that he was a "man of the people", even if they were not certain who the people were and were quite sure that the people didn't know either.
Jacob said, in an interview conducted years later, that his time in prison was "a lot of laughs", and that he was anticipating enjoying his next stay there, "if the bastards ever manage to prove anything". He then terminated the interview by laughing jovially, and spraying the interviewer with a shower-head (conveniently curing a nasty bout of education that the interviewer had contracted over the previous few years).
edit His Growth in Power aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
Immediately following his release from prison, he walked out of the prison and stretched his arms. He scratched himself briefly, and then turned to walk down the street, enjoying the fresh air. He stumbled on the uneven paving stone, but recovered without falling to the floor. He walked on, on the lookout for somewhere where he could obtain some beer and some food. He did not see anywhere in the immediate vicinity, and so he spent some time walking several blocks down the street in search of somewhere where he could find his food.
Some time later he returned to the ANC, had a fierce battle with its ruler, and became head sangoma.
edit His Powers aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
A sangoma of his standing has many powers. They focus predominantly around shower heads, possibly due to his long incarceration in prison (a prison which later turned out to be a training camp for politically minded sangomas, much to the government's embarrassment).
He possesses the much-sought ability to cure AIDs, which he uses extensively in his personal life. He also has the ability to become the most powerful leader of a political organization, despite having been thrown out of that same organization on corruption charges. It is clear to see, based on these feats, that he also has the power to turn what are otherwise intelligent and reasonably-minded people into complete morons -- an ability which has served him well throughout the years.
Zuma is also known for his long standing affiliation and leadership of the Crab People
edit Notable Achievements aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
None of significance to date.
edit Personal Achievements aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
edit Polygamist Icon aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
Jacob Zuma is a believer in the philosophy of the good old days. Jacob believes that the ancient African practices of 15000 B.C. are still very much in vogue today. Most important to Jacob as the chief is to show everyone that he can marry five woman, have sex with a lot more on the side and rear many children of whom twenty are currently known to have AIDS. There are 35 known of, however it has been factually proven that over half of South Africa's children share his genet(als)ics. He also runs the country on the side.
Jacob can get with anyone he wants. He is the chief after all and he has a healthy appetite for his subjects taxes. Jacob also appears to be immune to AIDS ( see His Powers above ) which also helps when you get the urge to mount the nearest wildebeest that trots by. Jacob has demonstrated a consistent preference for his types of woman. Those that he marries should be fully bodied specimens of the tribal variety. Those on the side will usually be someone slightly slimmer from the city and have a scandalous relationship to the man known as the "Father of the nation". Jacob once said that polygamy in a nation full of single mothers is "Socially responsible" but still wonders how all those woman became single mothers until he leaves his wives alone to chase that last kanga that walked by.
edit Rape Trial aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
JZ was accused by an anonymous HIV positive woman young enough to be his great-great-great granddaughter of rape. The resultant court case revealed again JZ's purity and infallibility when he decided to have sex with his accuser. In the trial it transpired that:
- She was wearing a kanga on the night of the event, and was thus begging for it
- She was crossing her legs, reinforcing the above point
- She said "No" which actually means "Give it to me big boy!"
- JZ took a shower after sex, thereby avoiding the possibility of being infected with HIV/AIDS.
When the above facts came to light, it was obvious that JZ was not at fault, and the whole accusation was instigated by racist counter-revolutionary forces within the government who were working for the imperialists of the West. No names were mentioned, although some believe this could refer to people with an IQ of 65 or above.
edit Arms Deal aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
JZ achieved much fame as a player in South Africa's infamous "arms deal", where obscene sums of money were spent on arms to defend the country against enemies of the state. Although it was never conclusively shown who these enemies were, many speculate that they may be the same people who were responsible for "The Macarena" and/or skinny jeans for men. JZ got fabulously rich through kickbacks from suppliers, and was prosecuted. JZ has repeatedly stated that he "will have his day in court" to prove his innocence. Many have waited eagerly for this day, however, due to JZ's extensive legal battles to keep the case out of court, they wait still. It seems unnecessary for JZ to have to go to court to prove his innocence however, as there is a law in South Africa which states that high ranking members of the ANC (the ruling party) are exempt from criminal conduct. Since the court seems to be ignoring this law, his lawyer has taken the position that since JZ has already spent the bribe money, the state's case against him is not valid as the money has already been redistributed to the people.
edit Hiring and Firing aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
JZ was the deputy president of South Africa until he got fired for being innocent in the arms deal saga. As a result, the popular masses (who consider him a hero) staged a political coup d'etat and elected him to be president of the ANC. This has resulted in a situation where the president of the country is no longer president of the ruling party, whereas the president of the ruling party is not in government. Resulting tensions between the Mbeki (president of the country) and JZ camps ran high, prompting the ANC to issue a directive that all internal disputes will be settled by a round of ching-chong-cha (best of three). Mbeki lost to Zuma who pulled out a surprise paper in round three and was fired from being president. This sheds much light on previous decisions made by the ANC, causing many political analysts to drop their prior suspicions of drug use within the party.
edit Umshini Wami aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
JZ's trademark song is "Umshini Wami", which translates as "Bring Me My Machine Gun." (seriously this time, no SERIOUSLY, that is what it means). There was initially an outcry that this was inflammatory and threatening, but JZ smoothed the whole thing over by explaining that the song was merely referring to his love for platypus hunting, and the tools that go with the job. He also states that he would welcome anybody who disagreed with him to come to his farm and dress up like a platypus to see he was telling the truth.
edit Recent Activity aka: BRING ME MY MACHINE GUN!!!
JZ's party has recently decided to follow a themed election campaign. It is known as the negative scale retro progression stance, whereby they have started handing out pamphlet's headed with opposition party logos, declaring that they will help white people take back what the blacks stole from them, repeated public vocalisation of racially emotive phrases such as "garden boy" and "maid", these are almost always delivered by his poisonous imp known simply as Julius. Julius has started up a sub-campaign which seeks to remove the current modern justice system and replace it with the more pro-active and effective method of a kangaroo court, they wish to demonstrate a demo run with the people of South Africa voting whether JZ is guilty of corruption charges or not. Everyone agrees that these are sound corner stones to moving the country forward into becoming a more serious player in the global playing field.