From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This page was sporked from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol and You Are Dead.|
I, Jacob Marley (1781 - 1836), was your partner in life for many years and now I am dead.
Worse still, I am tormented by my sins of greed and selfishness during the course of my life! Fortunately, the spirits have sent me on this Christmas Eve so that I may warn you: Should you not change your wicked ways you shall earn the same fate as I!
I will now spend the remainder of my time here bitching and whining. I am dead.
Why do you doubt your senses?
I ate some questionable shit earlier. As far as I can tell, there's more of gravy than of grave about you!
Man of the worldly mind, do you believe in me or not?!
Yes, I do! I do!
Very good. Now you probably have a few questions in need of answering.
This is deadity
It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellowmen, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth, and turned to happiness!
I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Captive, bound, and double-ironed, I travel this earth, no rest, no peace. Incessant torture of remorse. The cruelest of punishments yet is that I have a perpetually full ghost colon and no means of which to relieve it.
Oh! Woe is me! Fuck my afterlife!
This is my eternity, Ebenezer Scrooge, and it most assuredly is to be yours! You wear such a chain yourself, and your bowels are building up with every unfed empty stomach.
- Q: But, Jacob, were you not always a good man of business?
- A: BUSINESS?! Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!
- Q: Will you please speak comfort to me, Jacob?!
- A: I have none to give! I was entirely a bastard - we were bastards together! - and now I have a bastard of an afterlife, most especially during this bastard of a season. This shall be your bastard of a future if you do not change, oh, poor selfish bastard!
- Q: Um.. okay. Do you spirits at least get to see people naked?
- A: Always. In fact, I see you completely naked right now, Ebenezer, and I believe my appearence has excited you in more ways than one.
- Q: You see my penis?
- A: I do.
- Q: You are not looking at it!
- A: But I see it, notwithstanding.
- Q: Tell me, Jacob, does dying hurt?
- A: Actually, it tickles.
- Q: And what of me? Pray tell, is there any hope for me?
- A: There is.
- Q: Should I reach redemption, will my story ever be told?
- A: Yes. In fact, a century from now, there will be countless things called "films" drilling your story deep into the grounds of the minds of men. One will even be told through puppets of felt.
- Q: What is a "film"?
- A: Basically, what you see of me at this moment, but flat and against a blank screen.
- Q: Alright, answer me this: How may I be spared of my own destiny?
- A: Tonight, you will be haunted by Three Spirits. Listen to them. Learn from them. And, most importantly, do not tell them any of your horrible jokes, such as the gravy one. We are dead. Do not further misfortune us with more suffering.
- Q: Is that the chance and hope you mentioned, Jacob?
- A: It is.
- Q: I - I think I'd rather not.
- A: Tough shit, if you wish to shun the path I tread. Three nights! They shall visit you one-by-one in a course of three nights.
- Q: Couldn't I take `em all at once, and have it over, Jacob? A spiritual menajahtwa?
- A: No. 3Ghosts3Nights.
- Q: How about I take 'em all tonight, but they come an hour or two apart from each other?
- A: Hmm... No.
- Q: How about two spirits come at once, and then the last one comes at some point later.
- A: No!
- Q: Okay, hear me out. It could be an annual thing. You were here tonight, so the next ghost comes next Christmas, and the next a year later, etc.
- A: NO!
- Q: I don't see any of them, and just say I did. I'll give Bob Cratchet three days off and God will be cool with me, right?
- A: NO!! Why sort of business man are you to think that is a fair trade?
- Q: They all come during All Hallows' Eve to make it more seasonal?
- A: SHUT UP!!!!!
- Q: Will they be able to see me naked as well?
- Q: Jacob?
If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about sporking other articles should be boiled with his own gravy!