“He can do Anything!”
John Francis "Jaco" Pastorius is known as one of the greatest bassists of all time, and others still consider him far too great for the mortal world. He is best known for his
penis canibalism insane musicianship of jazz bass guitar. Eventually God became jealous, and killed him while disguised in the form of a Bruce Lee-type douchebag.
CreationIn the 1950's scientists were developing a new form of super-sperm. An experiment to fuse the sperm of Miles Davis, Dave Brubeck, Jimmy Blanton, and Paul Chambers to create a new breed of godly jazz musicians to combat the new movement of rock 'n' roll that old people in the 50's hated so much. Products of this experiment were Jaco Pastorius as well as Stanley Clarke, John Patitucci, Will Lee, Randy Brecker, Mike Brecker, Herbie Hancock, Al DiMeola, Lenny White, Chick Corea, Victor Wooten, Marcus Miller, Victor Bailey and, unfortunately, Kenny G.
Jaco first picked up a bass four months before he was born. Jaco overcame the fact that his fingers had barely formed and composed the song "Portrait of Tracy" that would later be featured on his self-titled solo debut. Other songs from composed he in the uterus are "The Chicken", "Okonkole Y Trompa", and "Kuru/Speak Like a Child". Jaco's mother died in child birth because of the Fender Jazz Bass that was ejected from her vagina. Of course if she had survived she would have been wheelchair-bound for the rest of her life.
Jaco's Work in the AfterlifeJaco is currently working on a jazz-funk fusion album with Jesus (Drums), James Brown (
"Bass of Doom"
Jaco's "Bass of Doom" was a Fender Jazz Bass that he plied the frets out of with a butter knife. Then he put an epoxy resin on it so his fretboard wouldn't turn into the same kind of surface Fred Flintstone created while anxious. The result was possibly the most badass instrument ever conceived by man. The exact model was reissued a little while go, however, it would be sadly noted that thousands of souls were sacrificed during the making of these basses because the essence required to make just one of these basses were so great. The leftover ashes were used for the epoxy resin coating of the fretboard.
Shortly before God killed Jaco, his Bass Of Doom vanished. Recently, a man who claimed had the Bass of Doom walked up to Will Lee's apartment but this bass was really dressed up in disguise (it wasnt really a Fender; instead, it was a Sadowsky cunningly disguised as the Bass of Doom). The real Bass of Doom looks nothing like the original Bass of Doom or the 'wannabie' Sadowsky Bass of Doom. Some say instead it is black with a white scratch plate, rather reminiscent of the bass either Chris Frangou uses to destroy universes with, and some say it was turned into a trumpet and played by Maynard Ferguson.
Life on Earth
Apart from being an amazing bass player, Jaco was pretty fucked up. He was a drug addict and diagnosed with bipolar disorder later in his life, and to top it all off, he huffed cats like a mofo. He also impregnated women for miles with his bass playing causing thousands of illegitimate "Jaco babies" to be born in the early and mid 80's. As Jaco's life began to go into a downward spiral, God saw weakness in him and began plotting his attack on Jaco.
Because of his godly bass skills, God himself became angry with Jaco. God feared Jaco would overtake him as supreme ruler of the universe. He then killed him in the most embarrassing way possible. He took the form of a bouncer at a Florida nightclub and beat the living fuck out of him. This, however, only prolonged Jaco's reign as almighty.
Life after Death
After his death Jaco now resides in Birdland with his friend and co-conspirator-against-jazz Joe Zawinul, and his pet emu, Chris Frangou. He still loves shooting heroin and acting like a complete jackass. On earth, other jackasses still see him as wonderful. Now you know the complete story and know that he is not wonderful, just a junky jackass