“Well, I wasn't even aware that it still existed. Guess you learn something new every day...”
“At least we have a football team!”
“We have a football team?!?”
“You have a football team?!?!?”
“Oh gawd, nao der's a hole city of des Andrew Jackson niggaz?!”
| National Motto: "Whate thee Fucke" |
|Head of State||Bubonic Plague|
Jacksonville was founded in 1820 by Andrew Jackson, after a series of battles with the indiginous tribesmen of the area. After an especially long battle with the "Jacksonville Indians", as they were known throughout the Native American community, Jackson triumphantly won control of the Native American land known as Jacksonville and renamed it Jacksonville. Mr. Jackson was a very creative man. Today, Jacksonville is known as the Fifth Dimension to all outsiders. This is due to uncanny resemblances to the Twilight Zone.
Life in Jacksonville
Since its inception, the inhabitants of Jacksonville have been fighting an ongoing battle with the Bubonic Plague. The Plague, of course, can bench press 415lbs and is nearly impossible to defeat in a 1 on 1 brawl. However, it can easily be disarmed with the use of medieval weaponry, such as a mace. All 800,000 citizens of Jacksonville keep an arsenal of maces in their home in case of a sudden intrusion of the "Plague". In an especially notorious episode of Jacksonville's history, the Plague burned and looted 560 houses in one day, killing all of the people inside except for the women, whom he took back to the Plague Lair, where he would rape them and then smash them together in hopes of building a 300 foot female monster that could destroy the city of Jacksonville much more efficiently than the Bubonic Plague himself.
The Bubonic Plague is not very smart.
In addition to living with the deadly Plague, Jacksonvillians (otherwise known colloquially as jacksuhs (Jak-SUHs), or villains), enjoy sailing in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, referred to by villains as the Air Conditioning or A/C for short. While sailing in the A/C is a favorite activity of villains, they must remain wary of the toxic waste runoff that is present in the waters of the Air Conditioning, introduced by the numerous Air Conditioning factories that produce Air Conditioning for the entire populous of the Southeast United States of America. The Air Conditioning is very dangerous to sail in as a result of all of the Air Conditioning waste that pollutes the Air Conditioning. Contrary to popular belief, Air Conditioning is comprised of 20% Air, 15% Conditioning, and 40% George Bailey. The remaining 25% of Air Conditioning is currently unknown but is suspected to be comprised mostly of AIDS. George Bailey is the most flavorful of these elements (followed closely by AIDS), and as a small consolation for the villains, the Air Conditioning polluted Air Conditioning is quite flavorful because of these specific concentrations.
Another favorite pastime of the villains is walking. Villains love to walk. Each and every villain is thankful for his or her pair of legs (beautiful, beautiful legs) and uses them by walking at every opportunity. One of the most popular walking routes in Jacksonville is walking to the leg store, in which villains purchase extra pairs of legs (beautiful, beautiful legs) in exchange for other possibly valuable items, such as sausages or Thetans. Thetans, though popular in other parts of the world, are very rare in Jacksonville due to the town's large Scientology population. Sausages, on the other hand, are quite easy to come by in Jacksonville, but nevertheless remain a favorite bartering item of leg vendors. Villains primarily use the barter system for their daily transactions. While this system has been otherwise dismissed in other parts of the world, villains appreciate both its simplicity and the convenience of not using Banks. President Jackson smiles proudly upon his city.
Jacksonville is officially governed by the First Baptist Church of Jacksonville, under the supreme direction of "Dr." Mac Brunson. This government was not elected by the villains and is not recognized by the state of Florida; however, it rules over the river city with an iron fist. Weekly attendance at the worship of this institution is mandatory, either in person or by radio, television, internet, or brain implanted RFID chip.
In 2000, Jacksonville adopted a sixth sister city as it joined with lonely Port Elizabeth, South Africa. Port Elizabeth's school children have had as much difficulty finding Jacksonville on a World Map as Jacksonville residents have had in finding Africa. Unfortunately, not much has come of this partnership as Port Elizabethans are terrified of the Bubonic Plague.
Jacksonville is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Gate Petroleum company. As a result, all modes of transportation within the Jacksonville city limits are powered by gasoline. It is estimated that Jacksonville consumes (on average) 84% of Florida's fossil fuel supply, which amounts to 25-30% of national consumption levels. This is accomplished by retrofitting almost every piece of moving equipment with a combustion engine. In addition to automobiles, buses, and ships, Jacksonville has equipped bicycles, electric scooters, moving walkways, escalators, elevators, small kitchen appliances, even smaller kitchen appliances, larger kitchen appliances, bathroom appliances, and most solar paneled households and businesses with engines. It has also enacted local laws similar to welfare that provide families with government assistance based on the number of combustion engines the household possesses. Similar such laws are already in effect throughout Texas and Illinois.
Geography and Climate
Jacksonville coordinates are "Alpha Alpha Niner, Ought Three Eight Six Two North" by "Epsilon Delta Ocho, Cinco Cinco Tres Quince West". If you lived there, you would understand.
Jacksonville prides itself on the flatness of its geography. Villians are able to stand on one side of the city and look directly across to the opposite side. This expansive field of vision has rendered communications services like the postal service and the telephone obsolete, for the overall flatness of the terrain makes it possible for all villians to be perpetually visible to one other. If, in fact, someone does go missing from view, it is often always assumed they have gone to Wal-Mart.
The flat landscape also affords villains the opportunity to boast of their astonishing balance, and their ability to sell used automobiles with unused emergency brakes.
The climate of Jacksonville varies greatly depending on the percentage of shaded area currently surrounding you. Jacksonville, like much of the United States, has four distinct seasons. They include:
- Early Summer - A season existing between February and April.
- Summer - A season existing between April and August.
- Late Summer - A season existing between August and November.
- Fall - 45 days comprising the last half of December and the whole of January.
(Fall is a negotiable season in Jacksonville, and is sometimes replaced with an extra summer. This decision is made by the First Baptist Church of Jacksonville)
Beaches (Atlantic, Neptune, Jacksonville)
Shielded from Jacksonville by the Intracoastal Ditch, residents of the Beaches' communities enjoy the convenience of Florida beachfront living without all the property value and exclusivity associated with South Florida. The beaches are divided into three separate sections: Atlantic Beach, AKA "Old Villians Beach", Neptune Beach, AKA "Speed Trap Beach", and Jacksonville Beach, AKA "Poor Villians Beach". Ponte Vedra Beach exists further south in St. John's county, where it siphons resources from neighboring Jacksonville while forgetting to pay taxes for said resources. It is famous for old men and Putt-Putt Golf. Residents of the Beaches area do not associate with Jacksonville residents, and have taken steps to annex themselves from the city altogether. Jacksonville residents have responded by not caring.
The oldest section of Jacksonville, downtown is the place to go if your cattle need to wade across the river. Downtown Jacksonville is home to practically nothing, a fact that can be confirmed by almost all the suburbanites. Herds of black people roam the streets, and random fires burn continuously in abandoned buildings. Downtown is also home to The Jacksonville Landing. It houses many fine establishments including Hooters and that club that Paris Hilton opened. These businesses serve to provide the downtown area with its recommended daily value of Skank. It is rumored that downtown is also home to an NFL franchise, but this is only a clever lie devised to lure the Super Bowl to town.
The community that your mother told you never to venture into past dark (pt. 1). The Northside is home to a Budweiser plant, the Airport, and the broken dreams of thousands upon thousands of unwed teenage mothers. Northside runs Jacksonville and is notoriously dangerous. 45th & Moncrief, 45th & Pearl, Sherwood, Springfield and Brentwood are where it "goes down", the it in this sentence referring to poverty. Also, there is an area out past the Trout River where rednecks gather.
You're not rich enough. Nothing to see here. Move along! MOVE ALONG!!
Southside Jacksonville is a tract of land owned by the Gate Petroleum Company, which is further divided into feudal sections. Each Feudal section is ruled over by a Call Center. The local peasants work to support the Call Center and live in tiny villages that surround each Call Center. The houses are close enough togeather that the most common means of traffic is jumping roof to roof. It is a life of squalor, but the peasants are comforted with the knowledge that they are working for the glory of their Feudal Lords and Ladies.
Mandarin is one of the few semi-almost-decent areas of Jacksonville, which is why San Jose is constantly backed up. Need to take San Jose south at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday? Well, you're fucked, because it will take you three times as long as if it had a quarter of the population. But if you're rich and appreciate not being robbed and raped, Mandarin is the place for you. (this section written by guest contributor Esther Rosenberg, president of the Mandarin Jewish Women's Association, and three time recipient of the Most Paranoid White Lady award from Latchkey Magazine)
The westside of Jacksonville is the last remaining link between Florida and the Civil War. It is the city's last oasis of pure, unadulterated Redneck AKA White Trash culture. Millions from around the world flock to Jacksonville's westside neighborhood to experience the rednecks in their natural habitat. While visiting the westside, be sure to have a meal at Famous Amos, pick up an Auto Trader at the local Gate Gas Station, and glance disapprovingly at children of non-Aryan heritage.
The community that your mother told you never to venture into past dark (pt. 2). Springfield has taken bold steps to detatch itself from modern culture and the conveniences that come with it. It remains the only neighborhood in metropolitan Jacksonville to successfully ban retail establishments. It's economy is funded primarily by crack cocaine and prostitution. Springfield is a publicly traded subsidiary of Home Depot on the NYSE.
The community that your mother told you never to venture into past dark (pt. 3). The only section of Jacksonville that is currently above sea level - at a astonishing 3.5 ft high. This could be changed at any moment, however, by the First Baptist Church of Jacksonville. The residents of Arlington include, but are not limited to: black people, illegal immigrants, old people, a small patch of middle class people who thought it would be a better area then it is and poor white kids whose parents couldn't afford to move to Orange Park. It is also one of the only parts of Jacksonville where shootings occur during the day, because at this point the Police Department doesn't give a crap. (See also: Northside, Westside, Springfield)
This jumbled collection of empty shopping centers and abandoned parking lots provides a convenient mating ground for Jacksonville's most distinguished pedophiles and child molesters. Regency exists as one of downtown's top rivals in squalor, decay, and general hopelessness. The Brown Administration has recently considered turning Regency into a penitentiary. The residents of Regency include: old people, pedophiles, rednecks, and scam artists. Percocet and Adderall are the official currencies of the Regency area.
With residents such as emo-haired, tight-pant-wearing vegans that care about the environment to politically-motivated lesbians, the Riverside is the California of Jacksonville. Its mixture of weirdos stands in contrast to the bible-thumping middle class WASPs that inhabit NE Florida. Every other person is some kind of self-proclaimed artist or cares about some stupid shit like feeding the homeless or protesting some bullshit like animal cruelty. However, smoking weed is mandatory once you move into that area and sometimes you'll have to eat magic mushrooms. The residents of Riverside include: dudes with handlebar mustaches, dudes with dreadlocks, black dudes that sound white, homos (pitchers/catchers), lesbians, butch dykes, bears, political activists, homeless, pedophiles, all kinds of artists and a horde of drug users.
Fruit Cove/Julington Creek/St.Johns
A small neighborhood that can not make up its mind about what to call itself so it simply calls itself by the county it is in. Though residing in St. Johns County this desolating neighborhood is part of the 32259 Jacksonville Area Code which starts in Mandarin and proceeds south into northwest St. Johns county. With entire tracts of strip malls that have been vacated and remain eye sores, and crappy road ways that confuse you into only shopping on one side of the street, avoid this area at all costs. Also apparently Tebo has been there as his name is carved into the sidewalk on the northbound side before the bridge back to Jacksonville.
Often referred to as the lower Westside, Orange Park is known for its eternal traffic, poor soil and teenage pregnancy. Major Orange Park land marks include the mall, the world's longest left turn lane, Moosehaven, and Johnny VanZant. The town was founded in 1982 by an elderly man who wanted to escape from the suburban sprawl of the Jacksonville area. Ironically, it has become more and more difficult to tell where Jacksonville ends and Orange Park begins, but one way you can be sure is to try to buy beer after 11pm on Sunday. If you are immediately arrested, you are in Clay County. However, if the person at the convenience store who is selling the beer has 'fuck yu" tattooed on their neck, you are still on the Westside. Due to the fact that many residents of this area have no idea how to drive, but insist on trying anyway, you might want to consider avoiding Blanding Blvd as much as possible in the morning and afternoon. Also weekends.
A clever trap designed to suck money out of tourists with sub-par bed and breakfasts.
Jacksonville does have a football team!.... A sucky one. The Jaguars have been known to lead the league in fumbles, but boy they sure do run fast. In their illustrious NFL career, they have been crushed by little baby Ponies, trampled by rednecks from Houston, burned by Fireballs from Tennessee, and incarcerated by law enforcement. Scooby Doo is their kicker. They had a powerhouse quarterback, head coach, and owner, but traded these things for some unheard of QB that believes in ghosts, a Mularkey head coach, and Osama Bin Laden. On the bright side, the previous owner made over $700 billion after 20 years. Rumor has it that the team will move to some deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
You're serious, aren't you? A notable player? Don't make me laugh.
Jacksonville Institutions That Must Not Be Publicly Criticized If You Value Your Life
- Famous Amos
- The Jacksonville Jaguars
- The St. John's Town Center
- Void Magazine
- Confederate Flags
- Whitney Thompson
- Sweet Tea
- Donna Hicken/Deegan/Winterling/Kouvaris/Etc.
- The Loop
Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Michael Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | The Jackson 5 | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock?