Jacksonville
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“Well, I wasn't even aware that it still existed. Guess you learn something new every day...”
~ Andrew Jackson on Jacksonville
“At Least we have a football team!”
~ 50% of Jacksonvillians on the Jaguars
“We have a football team?!?”
~ the OTHER 50% of Jacksonvillians on the Jaguars
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| National Motto: "Whate thee Fucke" (WTF) | ||
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| Head of State | Bubonic Plague | |
| Parliament | None | |
| Independence | Recently applied | |
| Mayor |  | |
Contents |
[edit] Culture
[edit] Foundation
Jacksonville was founded by Andrew Jackson in 1820 after he lost to the primal Seminole Indians. After a long battle with the "Jacksonville Indians", as they were known throughout the Native American community, Jackson triumphantly won control of the Native American land known as Jacksonville and renamed it Jacksonville. Mr. Jackson was a very creative man. Today, Jacksonville is known at the Fifth Dimension to all outsiders. This is due to uncanny resemblances to the Twilight Zone.
[edit] Life in Jacksonville
Since its foundation the inhabitants of Jacksonville have been fighting with the Bubonic Plague. The Plague, of course, can bench press 415lbs and is nearly impossible to defeat in a 1 on 1 brawl, but can easily be debacled with the use of medieval weaponry such as a mace. All 800,000 citizens of Jacksonville keep an arsenal of maces in their home in case of a sudden intrusion of the "Plague". In the worst such episode, the Plague burned and looted 560 houses in one day. Killing all of the people inside, except for the women who he took back to the Plague Lair, where he would rape them, and then smash them together in hopes of building a 300 foot female monster that could destroy the city of Jacksonville much more efficiently than the Bubonic Plague himself. The Bubonic Plague is not very smart.
Along with living with the deadly Plague, Jacksonvillians, or villains as they like to call themselves, enjoy sailing in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean or as villains like to call it, the Air Conditioning or A/C for short. While sailing in the A/C is a favorite activity of villains they must remain weary of the toxic waste that is put into the waters of the Air Conditioning by the numerous Air Conditioning factories that produce Air Conditioning for the entire populous of the Southeast United States of America. The Air Conditioning is very dangerous to sail in as a result of all of the Air Conditioning waste that pollutes the Air Conditioning. As we all know Air Conditioning is comprised of 20% Air, 15% Conditioning, and 40% George Bailey. The remaining 25% of Air Conditioning is currently unknown but is suspected to be mainly made up of AIDS. George Bailey, of course, being the most flavorful of the elements, followed closely behind by AIDS. As a small consolation for the villains the Air Conditioning polluted Air Conditioning is quite flavorful because of the vast amounts of George Bailey and AIDS in the water.
Another favorite pastime of the villains is walking. Villains love to walk. Each and every villain is thankful for his or her pair of legs (beautiful, beautiful legs) and uses them by walking every chance they get. One of the most popular walking routes in Jacksonville is walking to the leg store, in which villains purchase extra pairs of legs (beautiful, beautiful legs) in exchange for other possibly valuable items, such as sausages or Thetans. Thetans, though popular in other parts of the world, are very rare in Jacksonville due to the large Scientologist population in this town. Sausages, on the other hand, are quite easy to come by in Jacksonville, but nevertheless remain a favorite item of leg vendors in Jacksonville. As you can see, villains use an economic system called the barter system. While the barter system has been otherwise dismissed in other parts of the world, Villains love the simplicity of the barter system and the ease of not using Banks. President Jackson smiles proudly upon his city.
[edit] Government
Jacksonville is officially governed by the Bubonic Plague. But this government was not elected by the villains and is not recognized by the state of Florida. Luckily for the villains there is a renegade group known as the NAACP whose main objective is to usurp the Bubonic Plague's power.
In 2000, Jacksonville adopted a sixth sister city as it joined with lonely Port Elizabeth, South Africa. Port Elizabeth's school children have had as much difficulty finding Jacksonville on a World Map as Jacksonville residents have in finding Africa. Unfortunately, not much has come of this adoption as Port Elizabethans are scared of the Bubonic Plague.
[edit] Transportation
Jacksonville is owned primarily by Gate Petroleum company. As a result, all modes of transportation are powered by gasoline. It is estimated that Jacksonville consumes (on average) 68% of Florida's fossil fuel supply, which amounts to 18-20% of national consumption levels. This is accomplished by retrofitting almost every piece of moving equipment with a combustion engine. In addition to automobiles, buses, and ships, Jacksonville has equipped bicycles, electric scooters, moving walkways, escalators, elevators, small kitchen appliances, even smaller kitchen appliances, larger kitchen appliances, bathroom appliances, and most solar paneled households and businesses with engines. It has also enacted laws similar to welfare that provide families with government assistance based on the number of combustion engines the household possesses. Similar such laws are already in effect throughout Texas and Illinois.
[edit] Geography and Climate
[edit] Geography
Jacksonville coordinates are "Alpha Alpha Niner, Ought Three Eight Six Two North" by "Epsilon Delta Ocho, Cinco Cinco Tres Quince West". If you lived there, you would understand.
[edit] Topography
Jacksonville prides itself on the flatness of its geography. Villians are able to stand on one side of the city and look directly across to the opposite side. This expansive field of vision has rendered communications services like the postal service and the telephone obsolete, for the overall flatness of the terrain makes it possible for all villians to be perpetually visible to one other. If, in fact, someone does go missing from view, it is often always assumed they have gone to Wal-Mart.
The flat landscape also affords villains the opportunity to boast of their astonishing balance, and their ability to sell used automobiles with unused emergency brakes.
[edit] Climate
The climate of Jacksonville varies greatly depending on the percentage of shaded area currently surrounding you. Jacksonville, like much of the United States, has four distinct seasons. They include:
- Early Summer - A season existing between February and April.
- Summer - A season existing between April and August.
- Late Summer - A season existing between August and November.
- Fall - 45 days comprising the last half of December and the whole of January.
(Fall is a negotiable season in Jacksonville, and is sometimes replaced with an extra summer. This decision is made by the Bubonic Plague)
[edit] Neighborhoods
[edit] Beaches (Atlantic, Neptune, Jacksonville)
Shielded from Jacksonville by the Intracoastal Ditch, residents of the Beaches' communities enjoy the convenience of Florida beachfront living without all the property value and exclusivity associated with South Florida. The beaches are divided into three separate sections: Atlantic Beach, AKA "Old Villians Beach", Neptune Beach, AKA "Speed Trap Beach", and Jacksonville Beach, AKA "Poor Villians Beach". Ponte Vedra Beach exists further south in St. John's county, where it siphons resources from neighboring Jacksonville while forgetting to pay taxes for said resources. Residents of the Beaches area do not associate with Jacksonville residents, and have taken steps to annex themselves from the city altogether. Jacksonville residents have responded by not caring.
[edit] Downtown
The oldest section of Jacksonville, downtown is the place to go if your cattle need to wade across the river. Downtown Jacksonville is home to practically nothing, a fact that can be confirmed by almost all the suburbanites. Herds of black people roam the streets, and random fires burn continuously in abandoned buildings. Downtown is also home to The Jacksonville Landing. It houses many fine establishments including Hooters and that club that Paris Hilton opened. These businesses serve to provide the downtown area with its recommended daily value of Skank. It is rumored that downtown is also home to an NFL franchise, but this is only a clever lie devised to lure the Super Bowl to town.
[edit] NORTHSIDE
The community that your mother told you never to venture into past dark (pt. 1). Northside is home to a Budweiser plant, the Airport, and the broken dreams of thousands upon thousands of unwed teenage mothers. Northside runs Jacksonville and is notoriously dangerous. 45th & Moncrief, 45th & Pearl, Sherwood, Springfield and Brentwood are where it goes down.
[edit] St. Augustine
A clever trap designed to suck money out of tourists with sub-par bed and breakfasts.
[edit] Ortega
You're not rich enough. Nothing to see here. Move along! MOVE ALONG!!
[edit] SOUTHSIDE
Southside Jacksonville is a tract of land owned by the Bubonic Plague, which is further divided into feudal sections. Each Feudal section is ruled over by a Call Center. The local peasants work to support the Call Center and live in tiny villages that surround each Call Center. The houses are close enough togeather that the most common means of traffic is jumping roof to roof. It is a life of squalor, but the peasants are comforted with the knowledge that they are working for the glory of their Feudal Lords and Ladies.
[edit] WESTSIDE
The westside of Jacksonville is the last remaining link between Florida and the Civil War. It is also the city's last oasis of pure, unadulterated Redneck A.k.A. White Trash culture. Millions from around the world flock to Jacksonville's westside neighborhood to experience the rednecks in their natural habitat.
[edit] Springfield
The community that your mother told you never to venture into past dark (pt. 2). Springfield has taken bold steps to detatch itself from modern culture and the conveniences that come with it. It remains the only neighborhood in metropolitan Jacksonville to successfully ban retail establishments. It's economy is funded primarily by crack cocaine and prostitution. Springfield is a publicly traded subsidiary of Home Depot on the NYSE.
[edit] Arlington
The only section of Jacksonville that is currently above sea level - at a astonishing 3.5 ft high. This could be changed at any moment, however by the Bubonic Plague. The residents of Arlington include, but are not limited to: black people, illegal immigrants, old people, and poor white kids whose parents couldn't afford to move to Orange Park. It is also one of the only parts of Jacksonville where shootings occur during the day, because at this point the Police Department doesn't give a crap.
[edit] Regency
A clever hide out for pedophiles and child molesters disguised neatly as the top hang-out spot of Jacksonville. Regency is the only part of town that literally leads to nowhere. The Bubonic Plague has recently been considering turning Regency into a penitentiary. The residents of Regency include: old people, pedophiles, rednecks, and scam artists. N00bs roam the streets in packs during the spring and summer, reeking havoc on the baked teenagers found at the Regency Mall or Piccadilly's.
[edit] Sports
However Jacksonville does get a football team!.... A sucky one. Jaguars have been known to fumble the freaking football ,but run fast. These Jacksonville ones have been known: Crushed by little baby ponies, rednecks from Houston, fireballs from Tennessee, and the law. Scooby Doo is their kicker and, David Grrrrrlard as the nickelfront. The Jaguars's future does look good now... third place is at hand!
[edit] Notable Player of of the Mythed Jaguars
You are serious? a notable player? Don't make me laugh.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
 | The Jacksons |
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Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Daniel Jackson | Jack | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Jerry Jackson | Jesse Jackson | La Toya Jackson | Michael Jackson | Peter Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock? |
| Guide to the World |
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| North-West: Callahan, Florida | North: Kingsland, Georgia | North- East: Fernandina Beach |
| West: Baldwin, Florida | Jacksonville | East: Lots of Water |
| South-West: Middleburg, Florida | South: Orange Park, Florida | South-East: More Freaking Water |
for dangerous animals could eat you alive, like that grue behind you. Have a nice day!" |
