Jackie Chan
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“AUNCKLE!!!!AUNCKLE!!!!”
~ Jackie Chan
“No one touches a black man's radio!”
~ Chris Tucker on Jackie Chan
“Wussup, Manegga?!”
~ Jackie Chan on Chris Tucker
“Why??”
~ Who on Chris Sucker
“He's the asian wannabe Chuck Norris”
~ Chow Yun-Fat on Jackie Chan
“In Soviet Russia, Jackie Chan become general for faithful service.”
~ Russian on Jackie Chan
“Because He sucks, bitch”
~ Oscar Wildass on You
“This is what the martial arts world ended up in after I died??? OMFG!”
~ Bruce Lee on Jackie Chan
“In Soviet Russia, punches throw Jackie Chan. ”
~ Russian Reversal on Jackie Chan
“For taking advertisement of Shampoo, I was refused at the beginning! (拍洗頭水廣告我是拒絕的!)”
~ Jackie Chan on Bawang Shampoo (霸王洗頭水) Advertisement
“OMFG ITS JACKIE CHAN jackie chan”
~ himself China
Orenthal Jackie Chan was born in a poor isolated island village to two blind and deaf parents. Originally his last name was Jackie Chackie. He was so poor that he couldn't afford any vowels in his surname. For the early part of his life Jackie (nicknamed J.C.) spent most of his time reading l33t,comic books, eating dogs stuffed with fried rice and working in a rice paddy. That was until his talents were recognized by Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi and the giant gay robots made of tornados. Soon, his special prowess in the art of "Fook-ing-cho-mo-ma-wit-mai-chode" led Zeus to grant him the honorary title of "God of brooms, ladders, pot, whoops, i meant potS, and other household appliances"
Contents |
[edit] Jedi Training
Jackie(also known as J.C. at the time) was abducted and taken into space by Obi-Wan, on orders from the Torchwood Institute when he was just 12 years old. At first J.C. only cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floors, but soon he was able to prove himself because he was able to use God's holy pink lemonade stash to clean windows. Then Wesley Snipes began to train Jackie in the ways of the Great multi-talented actor and A rate Director. The force was with this one as J.C. soon became a master Jedi and a Day-walker. J.C. was put on a mission at age 18 to kill Darth Vader. J.C. met Darth Vader and was winning the battle at first, but Darth Vader used an experimental teleporter to transport Jackie back to your mothers womb, a lowly planet where J.C. was forced to work in a Bronx mini-mart. However, with his Jedi training it wasn't long before Jackie was able to use his abilities to climb the The statue of Libirty using only his nose, making him only the second person in history to do this. (The first was Bruce Lee.) He can kick your butt.
[edit] New York Crimefighter
It wasn't long before J.C. began to perform his incredible powers in the street as the Super Friends began to take notice. Jackie decided it was time to use his powers for good. Jackie became a bounty hunter, chasing down high ranking criminals in order to support his lavish lifestyle and all-Baby-soul diet. Apparently Jedi who eat a lot of MSG gain incredible acting talent, and it wasn't long before Jackie was misusing his Jedi powers to entertain people with Hollywood blockbusters.
[edit] The Bicycle Incident
Once when J.C was filming a screen adaptation of A Street Car Named Desire he attempted a stunt with disastrous consequences, whilst acting out the scene in which Blanche catches Stanley(played by J.C) playing with his genitals whilst hanging upside down screaming "I am the walrus." Whilst performing the stunt where Stanley tries to make his escape out of a ten story building and land on a bicycle with a seat that had been previously removed a grave error occurred in the positioning of the bike pedals, thus causing the bicycle to enter J.C's anus. As soon as the metal penetrated his sphincter he immediately screamed "JACKIE" at the top of his lungs in a very drawn out high pitched manner, much as you would expect from someone getting fucked by a method of transport. He remained attached to the bicycle for some time after the event and was even considering an operation that would permanently join them, so he could replace his legs with wheels, for speed, much in the same vein of his hero, Stephen Hawking, who also adopted wheels because he's lazy.
[edit] Fame, Fortune and Luke
J.C. was on top of the world; literally his only rival was the infamous Fuck Norris, and he had a league of bodyguards that included Chris Tucker, the guy that won't fix his damned nose and YOU. Nobody could touch Jackie Chan, much like M.C. Hammer. J.C. made famous movies and was even in the decade hit show HOUSE,where he played the main character,House...silly isn't it?. J.C. became the most loved name in the country as people replaced The Incredible Hulk with him on the list of Greatest American Heroes. This was due to Jackie's part in battling and defeating Grizzlar 7 (the leader of the Grizzly/Polar Bear Alliance) in a deathmatch for the earth. Jackie was making mass Amounts of shirts and jeans in his sweatshop,which he covered up by using the so called "White House" as a frontas he was even given his own cereal and video game. However, J.C. had some problems with his video game title; it said that he was a stunt master. He was very insulted by this: after all, he was a Jedi and much better than his roomie and fellow Jedi Luke Skywalker. J.C. and Luke had an uneasy relationship, as Luke would often Photoshop pictures of Jackie saving the galaxy and replace it with his own body parts. Jackie was very upset at this because soon everyone began to believe it was Luke who had saved the galaxy but in fact it was Jackie. Angry Jackie confronted Luke during The Ultimate Showdown but lost when Luke hit Jackie in the chest with a jizz balloon. Badly wounded, Jackie retreated back to his home in Malibu. While recovering, Luke got a movie deal with famous director Peter Jackson, based on the true events of the Star Wars. Jackie, upset and humiliated, decided he would have to outdo Luke in some other area. Jackie decided that the best way to outdo Luke would be to defeat him in a martial arts match. During The Ultimate Showdown Jackie defeated Luke when Luke tried to use Jackie's old lightsaber on Jackie: using the forc and a kung-fu skillz Jackie was able to finally defeat Luke. However, Luke survived somehow and was able to crawl away to his home in Silly South Africa.
[edit] Retirement and Piracy
After the battle with Luke, J.C. decided to retire from awesome and become a pirate. Not a butt-pirate though. That would be gross and totally unacceptable for J.C. With his transformation into a pirate, J.C. became one of the world's only ninja/pirate crossovers. He has submitted a request for the official title of Jedi Ninja Pirate Asian Ass-Kicker Master Jackie Chan to the Queen of Malaysia. His request is still under review. J.C. now has a solid platinum fortress floating in the center of Lake Chan, near Jackieville, Florida (previously Jacksonville before J.C. assassinated the Mayor).
To everyone's horror, on the 12th September 2008, Jackie Chan became featured article on the evil Wikipedia. Since then, Jackie Chan's popularity has plummeted to an all-year low. On FOX News, Jackie Chan admitted that "It was the most dreadful day of his life".
[edit] His Ladies
His achievements are not limited to the martial arts world. He is known to be very friendly to the ladies and the ladies are known to be very friendly to him as well. The skill he display as a Jedi is matched by his skill as a Love Machine. More recently he has become involved with one Muhammad Ali, who has been known to use his Parkinsons 'effect' to better effect than a vibrator. Reportedly the couple are very much in love. The couple are known to hang out in Limerick city, Ireland, and can frequently be seen strolling/wheeling hand in hand by the banks of the shannon (not to be mistaken with the Nile or the Amazon).
“Women CAN live on J.C. alone and yes his is larger than all you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!”
~ Marie Antoinette on Jackie Chanabout 5 seconds before she was beheaded
“He was fucking Chinese or something!!”
~ Richard Hammond on Jackie Chan
“He roundhouse kicked my Raptors to the moon!”
~ John Hammond on Jackie Chan
The following are women known to have been associated with J.C;
Relationship to J.C : Lover
Current status: Beheaded
Cause : Saying that J.C's is bigger
J.C's children : Everyone
“Good head!”
~ Jackie Chan on Marie Antoinette
- Brigitte Bardot
Relationship to J.C : Spank bunny
Current Status : Wringkly
Cause : J.C awesome jusic,before their completly acceptable sexy rave parties she was actually a 13 year old boy
J.C's children :
- Christina Aguilera (mentally retarded due to excessive head trauma from bangs by a pole like instrument to the head in the 2nd Trimester)
“She love me long time”
~ Jackie Chan on Brigitte Bardot
Relationship to J.C : Regrettable unholy union after many tanker loads of Vodka
Current Status : Ugly and on the run from the FBI
Cause : Being a bitch
J.C's children : Too many to count (All are fat, stupid, uncoordinated and scheduled to be made into dog food on the 5th December 1999)
“Let us not speak of that abomination again!”
~ Jackie Chan on Your mum
- Elle Macpherson
Relationship to J.C : Pole dancer
Current Status : Busy greasing his pole
Cause : Secretly in love with J.C
J.C's children :
- John Howard a.k.a the lying midget(Australian Prime Minister)
“Rub it down good, bitch”
~ Jackie Chan on Elle Macpherson
- JK Rowling
Relationship to J.C : Ex mistress/ ESL teacher
Current Status : Writing her exposé on her love life with J.C
Cause : J.C thinks she's boring as batshit and dumped her ass after he learnt English from her
J.C's children :
- Harry Potter - Evil child that will burn in hell for practising witch craft
- Kevin Rudd - Australian Labour Party Leader
- Jan Peter Balkenende - Prime Minister of Netherlands
“Me speak good English yes?”
~ Jackie Chan on JK Rowling
- Jennifer Love Hewitt
Relationship to J.C : Sexfiend/mistress
Current status: still down there
Cause : He can please her with just her mouth
J.C's children : NIL
- Janet Reno
Relationship to J.C : $2 whore at Chris Tucker's beach party
Current Status : Unknown
Cause : Comical bet
J.C's children :
- Cerebrus - 1st Triplet
- Bloodthirster - 2nd Triplet
- Balrog - 3rd Triplet
“It was YUK but I won the bet”
~ Jackie Chan on Janet Reno
[edit] Plastic Surgery
J.c's face was not always like that when he was young he had one of those familiar faces. But because of this once on his trip to albania the russian mafia thought he was a client that hadn't payed them (because of the familiar face)and kidnapped him. They made him lick toad, cut toenails with his teeth and pay them with his allowence for the rest of the year.
Because of his lack of money and brain he when to Chinatown, New York where he bought 250 Kg of experimental botox and injected it all over his face thus contracting severe cases of Hepatitis V which led him to invent what he calls Kung Fu .
[edit] He is
Asian
[edit] Filmography
- WHO WAS SHE?
- WHO WAS HE?
- WHY DID HE DO IT TO ME?
- DID HE LIKE IT?
- WHO's NEXT?
- Who's On First?
- Enter the Dugong
- The Passion of the Christ
- Waterworld
[edit] See Also
- Uncle Chan
- China
- Chuck Norris
- Jedi
- Fighting
- The Ultimate Showdown
- Oriental
- Asian
- Bruce Lee
- Luke Skywalker
- George Lucas
- Owen Wilson
- Dragon Ball Z
- Jet Li
| BAD MOTHERFUCKERS | |
| Samuel L. Jackson | Bruce Lee | Jet Li | Ving Rhames | Teddy Roosevelt | Tails the Straight | Chow Yun-Fat |
