Jack Schitt

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Jack Schitt is a famous singer, female impersonator and topiarist from Milwaukee. He comes from a long line of Schitts, and is famous for his innovative designs; indeed, the name of Schitt has long been synonymous with his high-quality work.

You don't know Brief History

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, a well-known fertilizer magnate, and O. Schitt, the owner of prosperous cleaning firm Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. In 1975, Jack Schitt married travelling gypsy Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Desite her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being happily married for 15 years, however, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced, with Noe later marrying Ted Sherlock. Because her kids were living with them, she decided to keep her previous name, becoming known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, producing a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in their local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials, and their children were subsequently named Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world, recently returning from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

The Formative Years

Jack's parents were devout fundamentalist Agnostics, and devoted members of the High Eastern Purgeatory Temple of the Reform Church of the Latter Day Emetics in Milwaukee. Jack accompanied them to services, eventually becoming known for his beautiful singing voice and regular goosing of the temple vestal virgins. While he wasn’t known for taking school too seriously (he was flogged for belching the Phoenician alphabet when he was 10), he was studious in his private time. His teachers praised him for his scholarly devotion to religious studies, memorizing whole passages from the Koran in the original Arabic; a remarkable feat, considering it was a language he could neither read nor speak. For a marginal student, Schitt was a precocious child, earning his PhD in Malaysian breakfast cereal studies before he finished kindergarten.

A Young, Steaming Jack Schitt

Jack Shit Poster from 1967

Jack Schitt at his peak as a performer at 13 years old (picture taken 3 years after the poster was made)

Schitt showed a great talent for live dramatic performances fairly early in life. He performed at the temple regularly, though reputedly preferring parts where he could play small, brown characters, for example Pilah Crap, a minor Agnostic goddess. He began performing as a female impersonator at 9 years old, and was soon the marquee performer at some of the biggest drag shows in Peoria, Illinois. His fame as a performer was exceeded only by his talent for sculpting lawn shrubs into extinct marsupials, and by 1975 every lawn in Peoria had a unique, signature Jack Schitt shrubbery.

It was this period of Jack Schitt's life when the famous American expression "you don't know Jack Schitt" evolved. When people in Peoria asked the owners of Schitt shrubbery who made their lawn ornaments, the proud owners, amazed that their questioners had never heard of Jack or associated his topiaries with his name, would imply incredulously "you don't know Jack Schitt?" In the late 70s, this expression evolved into the derisive exclamation "if you don't know Jack Schitt, you don't know Jack Schitt". By 1985, the now nationally-famous expression was shortened to the original "you don't know Jack Schitt", but it then had lost its original interrogative sense and retained its newer derision. That meaning is still the current sense of the expression.

Fame and avarice are cruel bedfellows, however, and once Jack tasted the good life of fortune, he began indulging his taste for stranger substances. His penchant for smoking Big Macs and drinking rain-gutter water at first amused his friends, then repulsed almost everyone who witnessed the grisly events. These vulgar displays soon became an obsession with Jack, who was eventually banned from public places in Peoria by court order.

The Recluse

With his public disgrace and youthful good looks giving way to the erosion of age and frequent boiling WD-40 baths, Jack Schitt retired from public view, staying in Peoria but preferring the life of a shut-in. Today, he is visited only by Pat Robertson’s gynecologist and Jamie Farr. He is occasionally seen outdoors in his back yard practicing Tai Chi with his dog, a half Scottish wolfhound and badger mix named "Emoticon". He occasionally pens articles for "Boys' Life" and "Pink Eraser Monthly".

Works of Jack Schitt

Bibliography

  • Kiss Me, I’m Available
  • To Know Me is to Know Something, Apparently – the Autobiographical Lies of Jack Schitt

Discography

  • Icons in Mauve and Oatmeal (duets with Pat Boone)
  • Yes - Tales from Topographic Oceans (side 4, lead triangle)

Filmography

  • Friends (kitchen table doily – season 6, two episodes)
  • Monty Python’s Flying Circus (person not being seen, 1 episode)

See Also

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