From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“We used to be friends, good friends. Then Jack started snorting pumpkin seeds and we've never seen eye to eye since.”
Jack O'Lantern was the only son of an Irish farmer born in 1850 in a small village called Lantern, known for its abundance of weed. It is also referred to as "The Green Lantern." A lawsuit between the town and DC Comics is currently being contested in the British High Courts over its name.
edit The Legend of Jack O'Lantern
edit The Great Potato Depression
Jack had a rough childhood growing up. His father's farm barely made any money, as he was born in the midst the The Great Potato Depression. This was caused by Saint Patrick losing a bet in a hotly contested game of "Concentration" between him and Lord Potatohead, the father of Mr. Potatohead. Saint Patrick bet that he could defeat Lord Potatohead at a hand of the game. If he won, Lord Potatohead would grant him free French fries for a century. However, if he lost, Lord Potatohead would cause all potatoes to taste like chalk. Upon being thoroughly beaten, Saint Patrick learned a valuable lesson: A potato never forgets.
edit The Solution
In order to save his farm, Jack's father, Liten, went to The Great Pumpkin for help. He pleaded for The Great Pumpkin to do something about this curse upon the potatoes. The Great Pumpkin agreed to give him aid, but only under one condition: he would have to give up his firstborn son. In exchange for Jack, The Great Pumpkin gave Liten 16 magical pumpkin seeds that would only produce an unlimited supply of pumpkin pies. Liten grudgingly agreed, and The Great Pumpkin gave Liten the seeds and took Jack as his new slave.
edit Jack's Way Out
After 25 years of toiling in numerous pumpkin patches, Jack wanted out. He went to The Great Pumpkin to buy his way out of slavery and said that he would do anything for freedom. The Great Pumpkin reluncantly agreed. In order to free himself, Jack would have to do something so daring, The Great Pumpkin made Jack play 20 questions to figure out his daunting task. After 19, he got it right: He would have to steal Lucky the Leprechaun's Lucky Charms. Jack set out to accomplish his task by tracking Lucky to where he lived: at the end of the rainbow. When he reached it, he found Lucky guarding not a pot of gold, but a ton of pot. He convinced Lucky to smoke a few joints, but cleverly never took a hit himself. When Lucky was completely stoned, Jack roundhoused kicked him and stole his Lucky Charms. He returned to The Great Pumpkin where he gave him the goods.
edit Double Crossed
The Great Pumpkin laughed with delight and proceeded to tell Jack that he would be freed-- by being thrown in the Sarlacc Pit. When The Great Pumpkin wasn't looking, Jack pulled out his lightsaber and carved The Great Pumpkin clean. and lit a fire inside his hollowed out body for sheer amusement. However, the Great Pumpkin released his soul before he was completely carved, and it entered the seeds of the nearby pumpkin patch. It was only 3 2/3 years later when Jack figured out that The Great Pumpkin wasn't completely dead when a pumpkin exploded in his arms, causing 45th degree burns. This caused him to suffer a painful death.
edit Posthumous Living
Trapped as only a spirit bent on revenge, Jack spends his days carving every pumpkin in sight. Because he cannot physically do this himself, he temporarily possesses individuals and uses them to do his bidding by carving up pumpkins in order to possibly destroy the last remnants of The Great Pumpkin. This is why we call carved pumpkins, "jack-o-lanterns."