Jack Layton

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Jack Layton
Jacklayton

22nd Prime Minister of Canada, Leader of the NDP,
Personal Saviour of many, Sworn Enemy of Stephen Harper

Rank: Damn Fine
Predecessor: Joe Clark
Successor: Nycole Turmel
Date of Birth: January 1, 1511
Date of Death August 22 2011
Place of Birth: Toronto, and the nice bit too, not some grungy slum

(though he really has nothing against
slums and has many friends who live in them)

Spouse: Olivia Chow, Workers of the World
Father: John Ilyich Lenin
Political Party: New Democratic Party of Canada
“My moustache is not an enemy of the state.”
~ Jack Layton
“Try My Product!!!”
~ Jack Layton on NDP
“When hiring, you can't discriminate against handicapped people, even in the government!”
~ Stephen Harper on Jack Layton
“You will know my name is the LORD, when I lay my vengence upon thee!”
~ Jack Layton on Stephen Harper


Jack Layton, , MAC, TTYL, WOW, IMHO, FYI, STFU, STFUYFN, WTF, OMG, LMAO, ROFL, MMORPG, BBQ, Hon. and PCB (1842- 2011). In a very nice part of Toronto is the current Prime Minister of Canada and Arch Nemisis of the one known as Harper. Currently the leader of the NDP and the Prime Minister of Canada, Layton has become an idol to some Canadians, who have taken to worshiping statuettes of Him. His parents, an unimportant Conservative man and a woman of unknown political affiliation, have little to do with this article.

Jacklayton2

Jack Layton shown here on a typical NDP poster (back in his earlier days).

He's also famous for starring as Bree Van De Kamp in Desperate Housewives.

Layton is known to be a mere vessel for the inner workings of his mustache known to Canadians as the cockduster. This being is apparently the son of Bin Laden and his ultra liberal ideas are the product of growing up in a part of Montreal called No Damn Good (NDG). Residents of this area are mostly english surrounded by mostly french people and as a result hate the nearby West Island area where english speaking people can go days without hearing that incessant whining of the french. The sound resembles charlie brown's teachers.

While growing up on his parents' maple syrup farm in Socialiste, Quebec, he became a famed musician, but due to syrup poisoning, he had to give up the career for the rest of his life. While recovering from syrup poisoning, he was watching the CBC and was tired with how the Tim Hortons Government was running Canada, so he ran for politics as a political bartending candidate for the fictional region of Socialiste-Free Muney in Quebec as a member of the Communist Party of Canada in the 1855 election.

Pink panther one

Jack Layton shown here at age 14, while attending L'université des Socialistes in Paris, France.

Sadly enough, he only won 1% of the votes, but this did not stop him, on August 5, 1867, Layton ran for parade marshall of the No Dorks Allowed! Party, and considering he was a communist by current standards, he became the new leader, bartender, AND parade marshall of the NDP.

Currently the NDP has only 1/5 of one of the 5000 stools in the federal House of Condoms, Layton predicts that the NDP will steal a whopping 7 stools in the upcoming federal election of 2008. However, only univsersity sutdents, gay people, and poor welfare people vote for him, so it's unlikely he will win more than 1/2 a stool. He will likely have to share the other half-stool with Bob Rae, former leader of the Communist Party of Ontario, and former Premier of the Soviet Union. Layton and the cockduster (mustache) may be exiled to Pakistan at some point.

In 2006, Layton made a deal with Bob Rae to merge the No Dorks Allowed! Party with his New Dope Party to increase votes, although Layton does not drink.

Also in 2006, Layton demanded that Stephen Harper take his evil army of the Lord out of Afghanistan because it was interfering in his plan to have Canada surrender to the terrorists, who are known to combat global warming by killing those nasty CO2 emitting Americans. Layton is one of the only people who knows that BSE and SARS are the same thing.

In 2009, Layton has tabled a new national energy plan where he will continue to give his rousing speeches in front of an array of windmills, ensuring there is sufficient wind energy to generate free socialized power for all of Canada.

After the 2011 election, Layton gained a whopping 10.3 stools in the House of Commons surprising everybody. The majority of these stools are made in Quebec. He died in his home at approximately 1:33 (poonapple time)in his home located in a pimped out World War II bunker. Eight thousand ninjas (hired by the very prime minister of Canada, Jay Leno) climbed through his plumbing while he was on the toilet. The media covered it up with a conspiracy about cancer or some-such bullshit.

UFC

Little do Canadians know, Jack Layton competed in UFC back in 2008. He is 19 time UFC champ which he usually wins by TKO in the first 23 seconds. Just 2 months after he first signed up, he was fired because UFC CEO Lorenzo Fertitta wasn't happy with him killing everybody on the UFC roster. With no one left to fight he went back to focus on his political career.


Jack Layton Timeline

1019 ZeroGravity

Jack Layton "walking" on his way home in Toronto's Danforth subway station.

Important dates in Jack Layton history:

  • 1822 - Jack Layton's birth
  • 1836 - University - Jack was only 14 years old, but he was smarter than the average fish, he was accepted at L'université des Socialistes in France, Québec.
  • 1845 - Graduates through the back door san francisco university
  • 1846 - Attempts to go to the University Of Awesome. Realises this doesn't exist soon after. He lost $100 from it. This was 1846 money, which is $100,000 in 2006 money.
  • 1850 - marries a puppy
  • 1855 - runs as Communist MP in the riding of Socialiste-Free Money
  • 1862 - throws a pie in Jean Poutine's face
  • 1867 - wins the leadership of the No Dorks Allowed Party
  • 1868 to 1991 - nothing significant happens
  • 1917 - Revolution Revolution!
  • 1992 - shaves his moustache, nobody recognizes who he is
  • 1996 - grows his moustache back, Jack's back!
  • 2000 - his wife runs for bartender in the region of Canadian Tire-Hortons and fails
  • 2005 - whined that we need to preserve beercare
  • 2091 - Due to the song "Baby" Mr. Layton created a temporal vortex to go forward in time to try to kill Justin Bieber's Adult Children. Succeeds.
  • 2006 - The No Dorks Allowed! Party merges with the New Dope Party
  • 2006 - People wonder why Layton is still leader, since he doesn't like beer
  • 2006 - Layton passes the Sodomy Act of 2006, forcing all Canadians to get same-sex married. Failing to get same-sex married would result in being sent to prison, where you would be sodomized.
  • 2007 - Layton is discovered to be a terrorist and is forced to live with Mormons in Bountiful, BC. NDP support lowers to -14% thanks to Layton. Way to go Video Professor.....
  • 2007 - Asplodes the planet in cooperation with hippies, Konami and Hideo Kojima.
  • 2007 - Longtime homeboy (The Union) employs Newfs from around the globe to rebuild it.
  • 2008 - Loses his own seat in the House of Commons to a blind deaf Conservative Green Party member
  • 2008 - Jack Layton signs up for UFC; becomes 19 time champ.
  • 2009 - Appointed Gregory Christensen Head Lackey and heir to the sacred sickle of socialism.
  • 2010 - Layton beats Chuck Norris to death in a street fight using only his bare hands.
  • 2011 - Jack Layton dies in a fight against eight thousand ninjas, and sacrafices himself, killing them all.
  • 2011 - On the third day he rose again.


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