From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Jack Bauer can stick Martial Arts, and his deputy, up Jet Li's ass!”
Throughout the history of machismo there have been many mega-bad-asses. You know some of them, like Darth Vader, Rodan, Norman Bates, Frankenstein, Jack Dempsey, King Kong, Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson, Joe Pesci, Godzilla, Rambo, Superman, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, and even Tony Jaa. But among all super-humans, Jack Bauer is America’s most horrific terror agent. He's not even remotely an anti-terror agent, he's a pro-terror agent, plain and simple. He fights terror with horror. The only notable differences between Jack Bauer and the terrorists is that he's a "horrorist", he's way worse, and he represents truth, justice, and the American way.
Earning well over 13 million dollars per season, Jack Bauer was the highest paid television actor and millions would spend 24 long weeks just to see what Jack did in one day. Everyone's life depended on the outcome. Bauer is different than Norris or Rambo, who are all about round-house kicks, brute martial arts, using a rattle snake as a condom, 50 caliber machine guns, eating horrible things, and skill. Jack Bauer is about apologizing to his partners for rendering them unconscious, and shooting people above the knee, torturing the bad guys, also giving his word, going dark, and fighting for justice while being chased by both the good guys and the bad guys at the same time that Jack's chasing them. And Jack shits on Martial Arts and his deputy, and never eats or uses birth control. He even gets repeatedly killed and resurrected, while neither Chuck Norris nor Rambo could ever survive getting killed. Bauer Facts are really quite a distinct genre.
edit Primary differences between Jack Bauer Facts & Chuck Norris Facts
There is simply no comparison between Norris and Jack Bauer. For example, Chuck Norris uses the Round-house-kick, a branch of Kung Fu - Jack Bauer uses OVER-WHELMING FORCE, a branch of Jack Dempsey. Jack Bauer can actually act - Chuck Norris is not acting! Jack Bauer doesn't consider sex unless he gets to be on the top - Chuck Norris doesn't consider sex. Jack Bauer is a cool-patriot - Chuck Norris is a red-neck hill-billy. Jack Bauer is All-American - Chuck Norris is 95% Red Indian and 5% Mexican. Jack Bauer Facts are documented, scientific truth - Chuck Norris Facts are just preposterous nonsense. Bauer says, "Who ever said you can't fight terror with horror, never watched 24!" - Norris says, "Who ever said you can't fight illegal immigration with round-house kicks, never watched, Walker, Texas Ranger." - Bauer's job is to protect the United States border - Norris' job is to protect the Mexican border. Norris counted backwards from infinity - Meanwhile Jack Bauer killed a finite number of terrorists, and counting.
edit Jack Bauer Facts
There are many Jack Bauer Facts, most are true, and some are just exaggerations. In this article we will only list the true, bone fide, scientifically provable, and verifiable facts. This is an incomplete list.
- Jack Bauer doesn't read your rights and arrest you, instead he lists your sins and executes you.
- Muhammad Ali changed his name back to Cassius Clay after Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer beat the Mona Lisa in a "staring contest."
- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that's how often Jack kills terrorists.
- Dubya Bush told us, "you're either with me or you're with the terrorists!" Jack Bauer told Dubya Bush, "You're either with me or you're dead!"
- Dracula wears garlic because Jack Bauer f**king hates garlic.
- Jack Bauer shot his first girl friend. She was tired of being on the bottom during sex. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
- If Jesus Christ were to hit his thumb with a hammer he would yell, "Jack Bauer!"
- Jack Bauer defeated a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- There have been NO terror attacks in the USA since Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
- In Koran it is strictly forbidden to make a likeness of Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer's cell-phone can launch ICBMs, extinguish forest-fires, as well as answer, "yes" or "no".
- Jack Bauer would have accepted Islam if it were not for the religion.
- Jack Bauer used to hire a baby sitter when his parents were home.
- Having Jack Bauer as an enemy doesn't end when it's over.
- Jack Bauer refused a Ph D (H.C.) in "Anti-terror" because he's really PRO-terror.
- Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
- When John Wayne said, "What the sam-hell you doing up here Lt?" he was talking to Jack Bauer.
- When Col Klutz said, "the horror, the horror!" he was referring to Jack Bauer.
- If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just going to die tired.
- Anytime anyone in the World gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
- As a baby, Jack Bauer forced his Mum to finish his vegetables.
- After you make love to your wife she apologizes for not being Jack Bauer.
- Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
- If you are holding a loaded gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to 3 before you shoot, count to 10, that way YOU get to live an extra 7 seconds.
- Once Jack Bauer was being tortured. He didn't say a single word. But he got the interrogator to spill the whole beans.
- For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
- When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
- When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
- In 2nd grade, Jack Bauer sent his teacher to the Principal's office.
- If you are ABLE to read this then thank a teacher; if you are FREE to read this then thank a WWII Vet; if you are ALIVE to read this then thank Jack Bauer.
- If Jack Bauer ever told Iran to stop all en-RICH-ment, they would immediately become a poor country.
- Superman's weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
- Jack Bauer once told Joe Pesci, "you're a funny guy!" - and Joe had to take it as a compliment.
- There are two types of people: 1) those who fear Jack Bauer, and 2) those who are Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer once broke the 'World Record" - into a million pieces (and said, "Damnit!").
- The reason 24 is called "24" and not "1" is because they never listen to Jack Bauer the 1st time round.
- Jack Bauer was killed. He recovered five minutes later.
- Jack Bauer himself ended the series to prove he could survive anything--even cancellation. And...he did! The revival of "24" premiers 2014. And the movie will premiere as soon as Jack Bauer feels like it.
The "essential" Bauer facts have been nicely summed-up in the following quotes:
“A ‘Bauer-second’ is the smallest possible measure of time known to science. It is determined as the period of time between when Jack Bauer orders a Terrorist to, 'Get down on the ground, now!!!' - and then shoots them for disobedience!”