Jack Bauer

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The following should be read in real time

Jack Bauer at exactly 10:28:28 on day 3. In the background the rosy glow of a nuclear holocaust can be seen.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jack Bauer.

Born Jack Bauer on the 31st of February 4000 BA to the United States Armed Forces, Bauer is America's finest, and definitely bad-assiest counter-terrorist special agent, anti-sleep activist, Human Rights Professor at UCLA, all-round person you don't want to piss off, and a hero to many conservative Republicans even though the actor playing him is a self proclaimed Communist. A regular GNU/Linux user, as of Season 6, he is also a vampire (see Episode 1 to see Jack eat for the first time in 9 years - he has yet to take a shit and a shower, and also Episode 16 to see Jack hunt down a One-Armed Terrorist just by following his blood trail).

Jack Bauer Predictions

It is generally accepted that Jack Bauer was unleashed on the Earth by the "not Allah" God to terrorize the terrorists. It is note-worthy that Jack's appearance on this planet was predicted by the Mayans 1000s of years ago, and by the Hopi Indians when Season One was announced, as well as by J. Krishna Murthi on the day after it was announced in the media that Jack signed to do "24" The Movie.

Life

Jack Bauer was born in a hospital in Los Angeles, conceived by Holy Miracle of implanting the genes of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson into a sacrificial virgin female. Bauer only took 24 hours from conception to delivery. Jack Bauer's first words were "Son of a bitch!" after he snapped the neck of the Doctor who slapped him. The hospital, when torn down, would become CTU headquarters. Jack was talking only a few minutes out of the womb - and then it was the terrorists who were talking.

School chopper drops off some students at Jack Bauer‘s Susquehanna Valley High School

Jack Bauer was sent to school at Susquehanna Valley, the worst fucking school in existence. Known for its wanton violence - where other schools had spit-wads, brass-knuckles, chains and knives, Susquehanna Valley had fixed-piece Artillery, B-52 carpet-bombing, atomic ICBMs (Inter Classroom Ballistic Missiles), and poison blow-darts - this was the environment Jack Bauer needed. Bauer had the freedom to shoot, strangle, fuck or torture anybody he wanted. In a game of "Jack and Terrorists" (Jack Bauer's version of "Cops and Robbers"), Jack Bauer tortured his first victim. It was the best moment of his life.

Jack Bauer went on to star in several school plays over the course of middle school. He won the recognition of his peers (Or as close as you can get to a peer when you're talking about Jack Bauer) with his role as Kiefer Sutherland. He got high marks on his test scores, mostly because he tortured the teachers into giving him the information he needed.

Typical lunch time scene from Jack's Susquehanna Valley High School. You'd do that too if Kim Bauer was your daughter.

In High School, Jack Bauer got half the female population pregnant on the first day. The other half were ugly. It was one of these pregnant women, Nina Meyers, who would form a bitter grudge against Jack. On weekends, Jack and one of his friends, Edgar, would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call a girl named Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". What a nerd. Jack Bauer then invented *67.

Jack Bauer was expelled from Mensa, the largest, oldest, and most famous high-IQ society in the world, for being too smart (the official reason states simply that he was too much of a "wise-guy," and he sent his teacher to the Principal's office). Jack Bauer proved that EVERYTHING (including Mensa) has it's limit. Except Jack Bauer. And if a "limit" does come along then Jack will use unthinkable torture until it gives in. No matter where you "draw the line" it is still behind Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got a perfect score on his SATs - blood. He graduated at the top of his class and was then employed at CTU along with many of his classmates. He fathered Kim Bauer. While this is seen as illogical, given Kim's relative idiocy, one must simply compare her to Maya, the daughter of Erin Driscoll (One of the women Jack had no contact with). Convinced?

At CTU Bauer once made Chole smile by telling her that she's the smartest computer expert on Earth...he then proceeded to show her something about computers she didn't know. Jack has yet to divulge how he made a SIM card self-destruct. It is believed that Jack Bauer can type 275 words per minute on a cell phone (while hand-cuffed to a drain-pipe). Bauer is also able to directly call the President by pressing only one button on ANY cell phone. Bauer's personal phone can program and launch ICBMs, as well as order pizzas, cruise e-bay, shoot death-rays, extinguish forest-fires, and answer YES or NO.

Jack Bauer's very own brother and father were in cahoots with terrorists behind 5 nuke attacks in Season Six, one of which blew up Compton, wiping-out 70% of the jive-ass home-boys in America. But in the end they were ALL dead. And Jack Bauer didn't feel a thing. Former Secretary of Defense Heller told Jack to stay away from his daughter, and that bummed Jack out so he went and looked at the beach - scaring the living-shit out of all fish in the ocean. TBC Season 7.

Season 7

In Season 7, Tony (Jack's former CTU partner and best friend) is a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy, and finally a bad-good guy. The plot concerns a terrorist attack by the US Military-Industrial complex who helped some Africans build germs and got them distributed in Washington. But the pathogen was accidentally exposed to Jack Bauer and died a miserable death. Morris was really pissed-off when Chloe got arrested doing her job for FREE. And Bill blew himself up pretending to be Jack Bauer after some Homeboys broke into the White House. Mean while, the President's daughter is facing the electric chair for ordering a hit on the villain, who was getting a pardon after he exposed that there are OTHER villains out there, none of whom he knows. After seeking the forgiveness of Allah from his friend the terrorist, Jack Bauer lays unconscious getting a good rest after a seriously sleepless 24/7. Finally, blond-bimbo Kim Bauer went skydiving and landed in outer-space. Tony, on the other hand, can no longer count to ten on his missing fingers. Man, you've never seen an ending with its ass hanging-out like this one. Season 7 ends with more question marks than it begins with. The only thing that is certain is the Government being compromised. And Jack Bauer being RIGHT! OK! Bauer was only wrong ONCE (but you can blame that on the script writer). Tune in for Season 8 after Jack does his Rip-Van-Winkle set. Meanwhile, Morris has time to cool down. And Satan is free to do his business until Jack Bauer wakes up and begins another 24 hours of bloody hell and fun torture stuff.

Apple's latest, the iBauer

The iBauer is Apple's answer to terrorism, it only has 4 applications, viz., Stomp, Punch, Shoot, and Disintegrate. It is always right. It runs on a 10,000 year nuke-battery. God owns a bunch of them. The iBauer can detect the presence of a genuine terrorist from within a one mile radius using innovative new technology, viz., Terrorscopics, and then DO something about it! Perfect for traveling, or for looking up fellow terrorists. Next, Apple has announced their upcoming iRaq and iRan devices to combat the iBauer in real life.

Jack Bauer's Recreation

Jack Bauer orders a Big Mac at Burger King.

Besides the joy of torturing and killing terrorists, for more fun Jack Bauer's favorite sport is surfing "black holes" in deep space (Bauer thinks using foot straps is for pussies). On a Cosmic scale Jack is ONLY afraid of voidism because there's NO TIME. His favorite bands are the Black-Eyed Peas and Megadeth. His second favorite band is Slayer, because their guitar playing reminds him of the sound a machine gun makes. Bauer's taste in movies varies depending on body count and violence level. After viewing, Bauer thought that all the "SAW" movies were cartoons directed strictly for children. His favorite porn movies are "Barney Does Debby," and "the Passion of the Prick." His favorite comedy is "Die Hard," and his favorite romance film is "Shoot Em' Up." He disliked "Schindler's List" due to its historical inaccuracies, in that it had an abundant absence of Kitler. Freddy Krueger is his favorite stand-up comedian. Pol Pot is Jack's favorite politician. Cambodia's Comrade DUCH is Jack's favorite torturer.

Bauer also is the world's BEST at anything else that you can think of. For example, Jack Bauer can knee-paddle into 90 foot waves at Jaws; not with a surfboard - he literally folds his legs and paddles with his knees. Or, for example, he can Bowl a 301, play 18 holes of golf and score a 17, checkmate you with one pawn or hit two home runs at once. Jack mastered the Rubik's cube firing only one hollow-point. His favorite boardgame is "Life," because he always wins. Although, in Baseball Jack is never allowed to umpire because with Bauer around EVERYONE is "Safe." He was also recently seen dribbling two meteorites while playing Basketball. Unlike mere mortals, all he needs to do is stare at the backboard and it will shatter.

24 The Movie

Jack Bauer disguised as a lion waiting for terrorists planning to Nuke the LA Zoo.

A movie version of "24" is waiting the completion of TV Season 7. The movie will demonstrate how "peace" is not an absence of war, it is an abundance of Jack Bauer. The audience may be alarmed to know that the movie will be a real time CTU operation where Jack Bauer actually averts genuine disaster. They use REAL bullets in the movie; The terrorists are genuine and have a REAL nuke in LA. PLOT: Jack locates and turns OFF the Nuke exactly 1 second before detonation (Bauer thinks sooner than that is for pussies), and he then brings all those plotting against the USA to a well-deserved and horrific end. Some people try to say that 24 The Movie is a "snuff film". The movie script is rumored to have a surprise scene where Bauer tortures and kicks his OWN ass; but he soon gets even by locating and killing his reflection in a mirror.

Current goings on

Bauer has been framed by an evil alliance of Barack Obama, Osama Bin Laden, and Chuck Norris. Police paid off by this cadre of destruction ordered SWAT team members to pull over Bauer and empty several canisters of mace, as well as unload 27 taser guns into him, and claim he had been drunk driving. This is, of course, a steaming pile of bullshit because Jack Bauer doesn't get drunk, alcohol gets Bauered. After the loss of 37 assorted SWAT team members, FBI agents and air marshals, Bauer boarded a flight to Sengala, choosing the front row exit seat (Bauer thinks window seats are for pussies). He arrvied at the Matatke International terminal, and within the hour, he disbanded the entire Juma regime, twice, before he was finally apprehended using the age-old method of dropping a bridge on him. Bauer was held for exactly 10 seconds before breaking out by melting the window bars with the heat of his armpits. He is now at large, but no one really wants to actually find him.

Currently in his spare time, he is torturing anything and anyone for information that he can put on Wikipedia. He also tortures information off Wikipedia and it is believed that is the reason why George Bush is still alive today.

Jack Bauer has successfully 'knit' and 'sew' the entire citizens of Hiroshima after interrogating where did they put his 24 game; there were no survivors.

Future Projects

• A Mastercard and Capital One ad.
• An "Interrogation for Dummies" book.
• Jack simply hates all social networking sites, he considers them tools in the hands of fools and terrorists, he plans to take out twitter and facebook.
• Force the Pope to canonize Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Jim Henson and James Earl Jones as saints of the Roman Catholic church.
• Create a cocktail called 'the Jack Bauer' that distills the entire Jack Bauer experience into a five-ounce drink. Done in 2006
  • Ingredients: three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed with ice and a hint of lime.
  • If anyone other than Jack Bauer requests a Jack Bauer at a bar they will receive: a bullet to the face.
• A reality show, entitled "You're Out of Time!!", in which contestants will most certainly end up with gun hundreds of shotgun shots to the face.
• A second reality show as a spin-off entitled "Give him 5 cc's!" it would be much more like fear factor, but deadlier, they kill the cast in front of the audience, and then kill the audience in front of the cast

(Note that none of these will ever get done. There is no time for them.)

Jack Bauer on his way to "have a word with the President of Iran." - If you're the President of Iran, well, your fucked, Amigo!

Iron Bauer

A show to begin airing on the Food network for the fall 2007 season. During his stay in China, he will be attending a famous Chinese cooking school. Jack Bauer will graduate at the top of his class, in part do to his excellent cooking skills, and the fact he's shot all other members of the class who cook better than him.

On his new show, Jack will be featuring various dishes he has picked up from his world travels in the Counter Terrorism Unit. Such dishes will include grilled goat kebabs he tried while in Uzbekistan, California fish tacos, and other tasty treats. He'll also show you exciting new uses for everyday kitchen utensils in the areas of torturing and interrogating terrorism suspects .

Home Interrogation, the Jack Bauer Method

In 2010, Jack Bauer will appear on a late-night infomercial offering a new Young-inventors kit for: do-it-yourself home torture and interrogation.

How to survive Jack Bauer

“Don't.”

~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on how to survive Jack Bauer

Bauer’s new ray-gun for Season Eight

Cultural Anthropological experts estimate that out of the 1,337.47 people to have interacted with Bauer, roughly -542.5 (don't ask) have survived. Many books have been written on how to increase one's chances of not dying when encountering Bauer. Initial strategies included the good old duck and cover, kiss and run, pretend you need to go to the toilet and if I can't see you, you can't see me. All of these have proved ineffective. A little known fact about chances of survival upon meeting Jack Bauer can be summed up by Newton's fourth law of motion: Persons encountering Jack may be divided up as the sum of four parts: 1. that the person has now entered a state of constant fear; 2. that the person involved has already received a grossly unequal reaction to their action; 3. that the person in question has let loose a stream of urine (dictated by the equation F=ma) the force of which may result in a total disintegration of the trousers; and 4. that the individual will suddenly and irrevocably obtain a belief in god.

Penn Teller on what not to do when you encounter Bauer.

With the improvement in computer power, many human lives have been saved by running simulations on how to survive instead of sending interns to test theories.

Here are the top strategies given by experts today:

1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, that you cry after ejaculating and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
2. Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying by Jack Bauer.
3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know then make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
4. Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
5. Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many languages he speaks, in which case your screwed
6. Talk. Once again, tell him the disarm codes, tell him where the bombs are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling Bauer anything that there is NO TIME. Bauer will leave immediately, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.
7. BULL SHIT. When Jack is giving you extreme pain then gaze into his eyes and show him a look of total bull shit. Jack will conclude you don't know and he'll stop torturing you. Then you can take your cyanide pill.
8. Mop. If you are bleeding profusely be sure to mop-up after yourself so Bauer cannot follow your blood trail.
9. Hide. Hiding on a planet other than Earth is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer.
10. Drop it. Even if you are holding nothing, dropping it is a potential way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer. Specially when ordered by Bauer to do so. In fact, the "24" version of being "caught between a rock and a hard-place" is being ordered by Jack Bauer to "DROP IT!" when you're empty-handed.
11. Wife. Sitting next to your wife and ordering Jack Bauer to shoot you is also a possible way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (no one orders Bauer what to do).
12. US Presidency. Becoming President of the United States is a good way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer - even if you're guilty-as-sin and he has counted PAST three.
13. Count. If you are holding a gun to the head of Jack Bauer, COUNT to ten in stead of three. That way you get to live an extra 7 seconds. The longer you count the longer you live. But counting to infinity will not make you immortal, because sooner or later Jack is going to grab the gun, stick it up your ass, and fire.
14. Timer. Setting the bomb fuse timer to 100 years in stead of 3 minutes is a great way to avoid dying by Jack Bauer (Jack thinks disarming a bomb before the LAST second is for pussies).
15. Joke. Jack Bauer loves Joe Pesci jokes, so telling him one is a good way to survive (Note: Don't get cute! And don't say, "You're a funny guy!" if Jack laughs, because when Jack laughs then you can take your cyanide pill.
16. Cry. Jack Bauer is a push-over for a pitiful weeping terrorist (Not!) - Then you can take your cyanide pill.
17. Drugs. Offer Jack Bauer a joint. If Jack smokes pot it will immediately be legal Globally. Then you can take your cyanide pill and "everybody must get ssttoooonned."
18. Convert. Converting Jack Bauer to Islam is a good way to survive. In fact, Bauer would accept Islam if it were not for the religion.
19. PASS. This method ONLY works for Kobe Bryant and is a forgone conclusion in the case of Jack Bauer.
20. SILENCE. If you are a box of Tic Tacs in Bauer's pocket then remaining silent is a good way to survive.
21. Tune-out. If you make a point to NOT watch "24" that is a good way to survive Bauer. But who's kidding who? There's no way you're going to miss Jack Bauer because the World depends on him.
22. Clean. Offering to CLEAN Jack's gun for free is a good way to survive - provided you don't get any crazy ideas (like not cleaning the bullets too), or get fucked-up in the script.
23. Agree. If you work in a shoe store and Bauer enters and orders durian-flavored ice-cream, agreeing to his request is a good way to survive.
24. Celibacy. Not fucking Kim Bauer is a possible way to survive.
25. Ignorance. If you do not know who is Jack Bauer then there is no possibility of being killed by him, because you must already be dead.
26. Confuse. Tell Jack Bauer, "If you were going to kill me I'd already be dead!" - is a good way to survive Bauer.
27. Don't Infect. If you are a virus, NOT infecting Jack or his PC, is a potential way to survive Bauer.
28. STAY PUT. If Jack pulls you out of your car and says, "DON'T GET UP!", staying put is a great way to survive Bauer.
29. OBEY. Note the following examples from real life...

• EXAMPLE 1: If you are a doctor performing emergency open-heart surgery on the Pope, and Bauer brings in a fucked-up scum bag, points a gun at you, and orders you to stop what you're doing and save the terrorist, you should OBEY. That is not an option (otherwise you'll be dead, and then what will you fucking do?).
• EXAMPLE 2: If you work in Burger King and Bauer points a gun at you and orders a Big Mac, OBEY.
• EXAMPLE 3: If you work in McDonalds and Bauer comes in AFTER 10:30 am, points a gun at you, and orders breakfast, OBEY.
• EXAMPLE 4: If you are a Hatha Yoga instructor and Bauer enters, points a gun a you, and orders you to stick your elbow in your ear, OBEY.
• EXAMPLE 5: You are pilot of the Space Shuttle returning from space and you're 1 minute away from landing, if Bauer enters the cockpit, points a gun at you, and says, "Capt. I'm a federal agent. My name is Jack Bauer. There's NO TIME to explain, but we're going to turn this son-of-a-bitch around, NOW!" - OBEY.
• EXAMPLE 6: If you work in Cosco and Jack Bauer comes in without membership and wants to buy a Lear Jet, giving only his WORD as payment, OBEY.
• EXAMPLE 7: If you are librarian at Fairview Kindergarten in North Dakota and Jack Bauer comes in and asks to check-out the original Dead Sea Scrolls, OBEY. Also, resist the temptation to quote Alfred E. Neuman by NOT saying, "How can you get information from a DEAD sea scroll?" - because Jack Bauer can get information even from your dead ass.

Jack Bauer, The STREET!

A typical terrorist weapon - note that it is readily assembled from everyday household materials.

There were plans for a street in LA to be named Jack Bauer Way, but these plans had to be scrapped, due to the high level of pedestrian fatalities predicted by experts. In the words of one LA civil engineer (who spoke under condition of anonymity, and swallowed a cyanide tablet immediately after):

"No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives"

Deathless

Bauer is basically immortal. He once shot himself 10 times in the heart just to prove that 50 Cent is a bitch, yet he was unharmed (wearing a bullet-accelerating vest as usual). There have been several theories about the supposed death of Jack Bauer. However, as theorized by Einsteins theory of special relativity the actual death of said Jack Bauer will not occur until the fifth mortal kombat tournament ends late December of the year 2011. Of course Einstein fucked up because he thought the universe was static, and thus his equation didn't or rather could not account for the fact that Jack Bauer is immortal. The end will come for us all as Jack uses his famous destroy the planet fatality in which one million chrome balls come out of his chest and scatter across the planet and detonate on January twenty first at exactly midnight 2012 AD. As the bodies of every man, women and child are destroyed, the souls of the dead will be absorbed by Jack's insatiable thirst for blood thus increasing his power to a level not seen since Kratos destroyed the Olympian pantheon in God of War 3: The Homicidal Spartan that just wants to talk about his feelings and not so much kill people anymore. So in short though your death will be short and sweet, Jack Bauer's death will never come and he will continue to traverse the universe slaughtering terrorists on whatever planet he finds next.

Jack Bauer speaks to the President of the United States by pressing only one button on a cell-phone taken off a dead terrorist. This picture was taken under intense fire

The Holy Bauer

Not a book for wimps the Holy Bauer has one purpose only, i.e., to terrify. As a scripture it is more horrifying than any other. It consists of a description of the secret contents of Jack Bauer's side bag. Each item is described along with examples of and the philosophy behind each usage. Even Satan wants to know what's in that bag. Publication is pending a CTU and CIA review because some of the items are difficult to identify, e.g., a cork-screw mace and a glove with sand-paper middle finger.

Your safety

Temporary damage reveals Jack Bauer‘s inner robot

Now that you've finished reading this page, you've automatically electronically signed your death certificate and it has been forwarded to Jack Bauer. Jack is about to hunt you down. You have 24 hours to live. For ways to survive Jack Bauer see the information above. Telling Jack where the bomb is located still doesn't mean you will survive Jack Bauer; nor does a letter of amnesty from the American President. Nothing can assure your survival of Jack Bauer other than a change in the SCRIPT.

See also

• 24 (television show)
• 48 (television show)
• National Try To Assassinate The President Day
• How to be stupid and not just funny