Jack Bauer Facts
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This is NOT a long list, it's an article ABOUT a long list
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Throughout the history of machismo there have been many bad-ass motherfuckers. You know some of them like Attila, Rodan, Norman Bates, Hitler, King Kong, Ellen Ripley, Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson, Leather Face, Godzilla, Rambo, Superman, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, and even Tony Jaa. But among all super-humans, Jack Bauer is America’s baddest terror Agent. He's not an anti-terror agent, he's a pro-terror agent, plain and simple. He fights terror with terror. The only difference between Jack Bauer and the terrorists is that he's not on their side; he's on our side.
Earning well over 13 million dollars per season, Jack Bauer was the highest paid TV actor having literally made himself, and millions watch him. Jack Bauer is different than Norris, who is all about round-house kicks, cowboy martial arts, using a rattle snake as a condom, eating horrible things, and strength. Bauer is about apologizing to his partners for rendering them unconscious, and shooting people above the knee, and (us wanting him to) torture the bad guys, also giving his word, going dark, and fighting for justice while being chased by both the good guys and the bad guys at the same time Jack's chasing them. And Jack shits on Martial Arts, and never eats or uses birth control. He even gets hurt and repeatedly killed and resurrected, while Chuck Norris could never survive actually getting killed. It's really quite a different genre, specially for patriotic and sadistic fans of Jack Bauer.
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edit Difference in fighting styles
- Chuck Norris uses the Round-house-kick, a branch of Kung Fu.
- Jack Bauer uses OVER-WHELMING BRUTE FORCE, a branch of Jack Dempsey.
edit Primary differences
- Jack Bauer CAN actually act!
- Chuck Norris is not acting!
- Jack Bauer doesn't consider it sex unless he gets to be on the top.
- Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex unless he gets to be on the bottom.
- Jack Bauer is a cool-hipster-patriot.
- Chuck Norris is a red-neck hill-billy.
- Jack Bauer is All-American.
- Chuck Norris is 95% Red Indian and 5% Mexican.
- Jack Bauer Facts are documented, scientific TRUTH.
- Chuck Norris Facts are just preposterous nonsense.
- Bauer says, "Who ever said you can't fight terror with Terror, never watched 24!"
- Norris says, "Who ever said you can't fight illegal immigration with round-house kicks, never watched, Walker, Texas Ranger"
- Bauer's job is to protect the United States border.
- Norris' job is to protect the Texas border.
- Norris counted to infinity! Meanwhile Jack Bauer killed a finite number of terrorists.
- Norris got whipped by Bruce Lee! Meanwhile Jack Bauer killed Bruce Lee.
- Norris is glad when people say, "you don't know jack!" Meanwhile, Jack Bauer couldn't care less if people say, "You don't know Carlos!"
edit Primary Similarity
- If Chuck Norris has $5 and Jack Bauer has $5, they're BOTH still filthy-rich.
edit Jack Bauer
There are many Jack Bauer Facts, most are true, and some are just exaggerations, like, as if Jack Bauer would waste his time creating the Grand Canyon - just a tourist attraction - yeah. sure! like, BS!! For Jack Bauer the only thing the Grand Canyon would be good for is hanging a terrorist over the edge to scare-out information.
In this article we will only list the true, bona fide, scientifically provable, and verifiable facts. This is an incomplete list because the complete list would require much more disk-storage space than Uncyclopedia has, and that alone could be more dangerous than the LHC and 2012 combined.
edit Impossible to complete list of Jack Bauer Facts
- Jack Bauer doesn't read your rights and arrest you, instead he lists your sins and executes you.
- The House Always Wins. That's because Jack Bauer doesn't gamble. (It includes the possibility of failure, which Jack Bauer cannot do.)
- Jack Bauer is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object
- Dubya Bush told us, "you're either with me or you're with the terrorists!" Jack Bauer told Dubya Bush, "You're either with me or your dead!"
- Jack Bauer allowed himself to be captured and tortured by the Chinese for two years because he wanted to do something non strenuous.
- Jack Bauer beat the Mona Lisa in a "staring contest."
- Dracula wears garlic because Jack Bauer f**king hates garlic.
- If Jesus Christ were to hit his thumb with a hammer he would yell, "Jack Bauer!"
- Jack Bauer defeated a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Jack Bauer doesn't torture people; torture "Jack Bauer's" people.
- Jack Bauer has sex standing up, because Jack will 'never take anything laying down'.
- Jack Bauer doesn't believe a word anyone says unless they're are being tortured.
- When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.
- There have been NO terror attacks in the USA since Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer has methods of interrogation that enable people to remember previous lives.
- When normal people take LSD it alters their perception of reality. When Jack Bauer takes LSD it alters reality.
- In a fight between Jack Bauer, Superman and Chuck Norris, who will be the loser? Norris! Because Superman can fly away faster than a speeding bullet.
- In a fight between Jack Bauer, Superman and Chuck Norris, who will be the WINNER? Bauer! Because Superman and Chuck Norris are just made-up characters.
- In Koran it is strictly forbidden to make a likeness of Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer's cell-phone can launch ICBMs, extinguish forest-fires, as well as answer, "yes" or "no".
- Jack Bauer would have accepted Islam if it were not for the religion.
- Jack Bauer used to hire a baby sitter when his parents were home.
- It would take Jack Bauer exactly 24 hours to get off the Lost island.
- If a terrorist is being tortured by Jack Bauer, even death is no easy way out.
- Having Jack Bauer as an enemy doesn't end when it's over.
- "Bauer Stick" is like a Punji Stick, but WAY worse.
- Jack Bauer refused a Ph D (H.C.) in "Criminology" because the title "Dr." is for pussies.
- Jack Bauer also refused a Ph D (H.C.) in "Anti-terror" because he's really PRO-terror.
- The only Ghost that haunts Jack Bauer is Kiefer Sutherland.
- After two years silence in a Chinese prison the first words spoken by Jack Bauer were, "Keep it that way!"
- Osama bin Laden has "Bauer-mares" at night.
- Jack Bauer can pass a square bullet through a round terrorist.
- Shadows jump at Jack Bauer.
- Terror has a Jack Bauer complex.
- Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer doesn't need bullets. Bullets need Jack Bauer.
- When John Wayne said, "What the sam-hell you doing up here Lt?" he was talking to Jack Bauer.
- When Col Klutz said, "the horror, the horror!" he was referring to Jack Bauer.
- If Jack Bauer's heart stops, then run like hell.
- Muhammad Ali changed his name back to Cassius Clay after Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer files taxes he sends a blank form stapled with a picture of him holding a gun.
- Once Jack Bauer was being tortured. He didn't say a single word. But he got the interrogator to spill the whole beans.
- Jack Bauer can leave a message BEFORE the beep.
- If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just going to die tired.
- Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer has no idea who Chuck Norris is.
- Anytime anyone in the World gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
- As a baby Jack Bauer forced his Mum to finish his vegetables.
- Air can only live for 2 minutes without Jack Bauer.
- Jack's iMac is not protected by a Firewall, it's protected by a Bauerwall, which is just a jpeg of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever tried to infect Jack's PC.
- If Jack Bauer tells you to jump, don't ask how high? Ask when can you come down again?
- Jack Bauer can easily beat a Royal Flush.
- It takes you 24 weeks to see what Jack Bauer does in one day.
- If the Titanic had struck Jack Bauer there would have been NO survivors.
- Ultimately Agent Orange died of exposure to Jack Bauer.
- The ANSWER is Jack Bauer. The question doesn't matter.
- Jack Bauer played Kiefer Sutherland on TV - needless to say Jack is the greatest actor on Earth.
- Jack Bauer can kill two birds with no stone.
- Jack Bauer shot his first girl friend. She was tired of being on the bottom during sex. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
- Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
- After you make love to your wife she apologizes for not being Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer puts money in a parking meter he gets change.
- Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
- Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a round room.
- Once Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
- Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
- When Jack Bauer was born terrorists began ‘suicide’ bombing.
- If you are holding a loaded gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to 3 before you shoot, count to 10, that way you get to live an extra 7 seconds.
- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that's how often Jack kills terrorists.
- The only reason you are conscious now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
- It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
- Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
- If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
- Superman, Batman, and Spiderman all carry Jack Bauer lunch boxes to work.
- If you're a terrorist, God will put the fear-of-Jack-Bauer into you.
- Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
- For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
- When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
- Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
- Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
- Jack Bauer can strangle a terrorist with a cordless phone.
- Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
- When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
- In 2nd grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the Principal's office.
- When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
- Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. ONCE.
- If you are ABLE to read this then thank a teacher; if you are FREE to read this then thank a WWII Vet; if you are ALIVE to read this then thank Jack Bauer.
- Life once took Jack Bauer for granted. Once!
- Superman has ONLY one weakness. That is Kriptonite. Jack Bauer has ONLY one weakness. That is Kiefer Sutherland.
- If Jack Bauer ever told Iran to stop all en-RICH-ment, they would immediately become a poor country.
- If Jack Bauer ever said, "now we're going to have some fun!" - that would scare the living-hell out of Satan.
- Jack Bauer could kill the devil but that would leave Jack unemployed. Jack Bauer just LOVES his fucking job.
- Jack Bauer is thankful to Allah for providing all the terrorists he gets to kill.
- Jack Bauer says, "If you're talking to al-Qa'ida on the telephone, you have the constitutional right to have your head blown off!"
- Jack Bauer once told Joe Pesci, "you're a funny guy!" - and Joe took it as a compliment.
- Once, in Vegas, Jack Bauer 'Hit the Jackpot' on a slot machine and 10,000 bullets came out.
- Jack Bauer has been resurrected from the dead more times than Jesus.
- There are two types of people: 1) those who fear Jack Bauer, and 2) those who are Jack Bauer.
- To get Kobe to "pass" the ball, Jack Bauer confronts him on court, points a 9mm at him and says, "I'm a federal agent, my name is Jack Bauer, Pass me the goddamn ball. NOW!"
- Water can actually LIVE "under" Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer once broke the 'World Record" - into a million pieces (and said, "Damnit!").
- Jack Bauer once shook hand with his anti-matter self. It gave him a paper cut.
- Jack Bauer got his 1st experience of being in a detention centre 9 months before his birth. He made his escape by blasting open the uterus walls with C4.
- The reason 24 is called "24" and not "1" is because they never listen to Jack Bauer the 1st time round.
edit Conclusion
The "essential" Bauer FACTS have been nicely summed-up in the following VIP quotes:
“What martial arts did Jack Bauer study?? I'll tell you what, pal, Jack Bauer can stick Martial Arts, and his deputy, up Jet Li's ass!”
“A ‘Bauer-second’, smaller than a Nano-second, is the smallest possible measure of time known to science. It is determined as the period of time between when Jack Bauer orders a Terrorist to, 'Get down on the ground, now!!!' - and then shoots them for disobedience!”
