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Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning.
The Chilling Investigation
The First Murder: Mrs. Plum
I have discovered that the first murder was committed in the living room with an obsolete candlestick just before "2 and A Half Men"! There, right in the middle of everything, was the PWNED body of Mrs. Plum, the first of the three murders of the evening. After some clever investigation, I saw that, clutched in her right hand, was an autographed photo of the pope... This was interesting, considering the conversation that had occurred at the dinner table... COLONEL MUSTARD!
I think we all remember Mrs. Plum bragging about her job as a hockey goalie. I remember the conversation she had with the Colonel being very awkward: full of pauses and hiccups and throat clearing. Also, she ordered a strange dish for a woman in her position: the dried monkey heads. That dish has special significance in Massachussets, as the Colonel well knows. Now, I know for a fact that the Colonel had served overseas in that region for nigh five years. However, dinner was not the only thing linking the Colonel to the crime. It was the second murder that convinced me to start looking for clues.
The Second Murder: Mr. Orange
The second murder occurred 54 seconds after the first. Mr. Orange was found face up in the treehouse with a gun sticking out of his chest. In there with him was a napkin with barbeque stains on it of unknown origin. I recall him telling us, before he went outside, that he had some "business" to take care of. I thought that it was strange that he would go outside so abruptly in the first place, because it was cold. And also there were bats. I don't like bats.
There are some things that you all must know about Mr. Orange before we continue. I had a personal investigator research his past before I called you all in here. Here's what we now know:
- AGE: It's hard to believe it, but Mr. Orange was nearly 97 years old. It's odd, I mean, considering what he did on his days off.
- HOBBY: I have discovered that Mr. Orange had a penchant for going down to the supermarket and making fun of the clerks. He has, on numerous occasions, used his knowledge of this hobby at his job.
- OCCUPATION: Mr. Orange used to be a wedding photographer until he was fired... For mysterious reasons. Reasons that neither I nor my investigator could uncover. I'm almost positive that he held a grudge for what he probably saw was an indignity. This grudge manifested itself in strange ways. Few of you probably know of Mr. Orange's sordid past.
- SORDID PAST: Mr. Orange has been convicted on several misdemeanor counts of bank robbery. Considering Mrs. Plum's occupation, I believe you can ALL see the connection.
This leads me to the, for lack of a better word, "AWKWARRRD" between he and Mrs. Plum at dessert-time.
You may all recall the conversation at dinner, when Mr. Orange challenged Mrs. Plum to a Greek wrestling match. When she refused the fourth time, Mr. Orange seemed discouraged. When she accepted on the fifth time, Mr. Orange forced us to watch the two of them play for three hours, and he forced the third murder victim to keep score.
The Third Murder: Mrs. Salmon
15 minutes after the second murder, Mrs. Salmon was found. She had been hung by a noodle in the upstairs closet. If you recall, she kept score of the "game" between Mrs. Plum and Mr. Orange. However, I bet you didn't know that she was an accomplice to Mr. Orange's various crimes! For 5 years, Mrs. Salmon was the mastermind behind Mr. Orange's public nudity ring! That's right. I bet you didn't know that. It'll all make sense nine hours from now when I reveal the murderer!
The Murder Weapons
The murder weapons, you all may have noticed, were all items from Wal-Mart. You also may have noticed that all the murder weapons, except for the suspicious golf trophy, were stained with the victim's blood afterwards.
The Satin Glove
At each crime scene, a satin glove was found. Oh wait, did I not mention that? Sorry. Aaanywho, the gloves were all of the same size, and Colonel Mustard was seen wearing one at dinner, during the wrestling match, during dessert, and after he found the body of Mr. Orange.
The Suicide Notes
At each crime scene, the victim was holding a suicide note. The suicide note was always written in a firm aristocratic lettering with a blue 1997 model BiC fountain pen on parchment scented with whale oil. Of particular note was the suicide note found with Mrs. Salmon, which was signed "CM".
The Suspicious Cook
The cook, who only spoke in Yiddish, was especially suspicious, considering that he was of Korean ancestery, wore a long twirling mustache, and had a tattoo of two dragons being intimate on his forearm.
The Missing Rifle
Even though it was never used, the rifle that was hanging in the trophy room disappeared thirty seconds before the lights went out.
The Electric Failure
Right before, or after, the murder of Mrs. Plum, the lights went out. I know that the fuse box is outside, far away from the murder scene. I also know that THE COLONEL used to be an electrician before joining the Coast Guard. However, I will need time to process this information.
The Confession Note
The confession note that was found with the suspicious golf trophy reads as follows:
Being of sound mind and body, I, the suspicious Asian chef, hereby declare that I committed all the crimes, and take full responsibility. It was not any of the other guests, including the handsome Colonel, and I did it. I did it, I killed 'em. Signed, CM
However, I'm not fully convinced that the suspicious Asian chef really did write that note, considering that he only spoke Yiddish. It goes in the evidence pile anyway, as evidence that the suspicious Asian chef was lying.
After considering all the evidence, and gathering all the clues, I have narrowed down the list of suspects to four.
Every good investigator has to include all the options. Maybe I just forgot that I committed them. Maybe I was drunk. Maybe I was under hypnosis. Maybe I forgot that I forgot. Maybe I was drunk while under hypnosis. I'm not sure. Anyway, I will recuse myself from this investigation because I'm cool like that.
Well, I mean, since there's only three of us, and since your signature, "CM" was on all the "suicide notes", I'm guessing it's you, Colonel. However, like you said earlier, it's true that I could have forgot that I committed the murders, and it's true that I wasn't paying attention the whole time, and it's true that I also know how to fire guns, and it's true that I'm not perfect. Okay, okay, calm down. We still have two more suspects to go.
The chef, being an Asian, is almost at the top of my list. Asians are a tricky folk, full of tricks and trickery. In spite of that, he was gone when the murders were committed, and his hand didn't fit in the satin glove, which basically clears him... Okay, okay, it's true that he could have a twin... and he IS Asian... and that confession note was nearly suspicious...hmmm...
Indian Burial Grounds
This all could be a horror movie, and we're living in a house built on ancient Indian burial grounds. I mean, it could be.
It is as I always suspected: THE CRIME...is unsolvable! I don't understand the link between the clock in the dining room stopping and the second murder. Or the hamster that Mrs. Plum brought with her and the missing hunting rifle. Or the suspicious cook, the suspicious invitations, and the bookcase full of human skulls. Or the broken lamp in the living room. This crime is unsolvable, and I'm getting the HELL outta here.