Italy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: "Grandine a Mussolini! Grandine a WWIII! (Hail to Mussolini! Hail to World War III!)" | |||||
| Anthem: "Tutte le regole di fascismo!" ("Fascism Rules All!") | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Vatican city | ||||
| Largest city | Pompeii | ||||
| Official languages | Dont speak-a no english-a, Latin, Elfic, Neapolitan, Terronian, Klingon, Padano, 8-Bit Text | ||||
| Government | Country ruled by The Mafia | ||||
| Historic Leader | Benito Mussolini | ||||
| DON | Berlusconi | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Al Pacino,Ray Romano,Mario,Luigi,Toto Riina | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 1st of may 2010 (if the Mafia will agree) | ||||
| Currency | Pizza slices, Denarius, Beautiful Men | ||||
| Religion | nudism, marioism, raviolism communism | ||||
Contents |
[edit] Geography
[edit] Religion
Flying Spaghetti Monster. This being actually originated from the central heart of Peru, but after being defeated by the Meatball Men it ran away to Italy where it won the hearts of the locals by crushing pecans for them. They also like siesta time, another tradition originated by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Italians are a very superstitious people, gullible to paranormal experiences. One example is old fat hairy ladies scream and cry at wall stucco that resembles the "La Maria Vergine Madonna" (not to be confused with Italian-American songstress Madonna), one of their pagan god-deities worshipped in their Italian fanaticism.
[edit] Demographics
Italy is populated by 34% goodfellas, 66% sexy women. They all copulate furiously, as ordered by Pope Palpatine. In racial/ethnic/cultural terms (whatever), Italians are a cross between Africans, Mexicans, Austrians, Romanian and Ukrainian Hookers, Jugoslavs, Arabs and Vikings. There are exceptions like the Nazi-sympathizers of Lombardy who are the blondest, bluest-eyed and palest skinned people on earth (except for the WASPs in New England). At this time due to Italians no longer work hard and have babies like they used to, over 50% of the Italian people are immigrants from China, Philippines, India, Pakistan, Iran, Arabia, Armenia and the lighter part of Africa. 48% are other "Latin" or Slavic peoples from Romania, Croatia, Ukraine, Albania, Macedonia, Serbia, Turkey, Lebanon, Palestine, Central and South America, and Catalans or Galicians sent to herd (wink wink...) sheep, but fought with Corsicans and Sardinians who loved (wink wink...) these animals. Less than 1% are Maltese, another 1% are Jews and a miniscule number are (members) of the Roman Catholic Church.
[edit] History
[edit] Origins
They won all the wars, at the end! They simply changed the side before it was too late.
It was once thought the Italians were a subspecies of primates evolved on an island somewhere in the Mediterranean sea, split off from Africa a million years ago and there, they evolved unique characteristics from their primordial ancestors. One reason why racial expert Adolf Hilter knew the Italians aren't fit for the "Aryan" race title. Same goes to the Americans who dealt with the I-talian invasion (nowadays in the P-C times we live in, Sicilian people) in the late 19th-early 20th century.
Italy was fashioned in a secret underground bomb shelter by a dedicated team of cobblers in Avignon, France, in 504 B.C., almost a thousand years before bombs were invented by Chairman Mousey Tongue in China. According to legend, the first settlers were a small band of unemployed arsists comprised of two brothers, Romulus and Beanbag, and a multi-nippled wolf. Finding a nice patch of hills, the team constructed in exactly one day several frigidaria (ice-cream parlours), calidaria (bakeries) and tepidaria (sperm clinics) to establish what is now known as Rome.
Famous for its mozzarella cheese production, the city of Ludoburgero was once the capitol of Italy. Due to the fire in 1696, when all the mozzarella fields were invaded by eselkjeks (italian hybrid between grasshoppers and donkeys; developed by the Sicilian Mafia through genetic manipulation), the capital status went to Rome.
Rome in Italy is spelled Roma. Backwards Roma is Amor, which means love...(no homo). The Greeks introduced civilization...and homoerotic romance to the Italian peoples.
Actually, Amor is a poor misspelling of "Armer" as in ... Armenian! Not only the British isles, the Armenians came to Italy first. A few of them live in a monastery in an island off Venice.
Also to note Sicilian is a misspelling of Saracen, a group of Arabs from Egypt, Syria and Libya took over Sicily. They couldn't convert Italians to Islam, but they successfully interbred with the local population.
Note that central Italy is for the moment run by a German, hence the indication on the map.
[edit] Empire
By taking advantage of worldwide pestilence and French People, the quasi-inbred descendents of Romulus (the Romulans), who Italians called Italian but who really werent, rapidly built a massive empire, stretching as far west as the lost kingdom of Atlantis and as far east as the eye can see without chromatic aberration. After brief flirtations with anarchy (untamed lawlessness) and bananarchy (untamed bananas), the Romulan Empire became a duocracy, governed by Caesar Augustus Nero CD Burner Salad I, and his crusty side-kick, Captain Underpants.
Besides engaging in many wacky adventures, the pair succeeded in bringing peace to the world, with the lure of gang raping, mass pig butchering and perineum tickling. The Romulans were a creative lot, inventing many useful things such as sliced bread, roads, bus-stops and quantum chromodynamics. Their empire would last for over a thousand years, before being crushed by a giant meteor sent by an angry Klingon flower-god. Then Mussolini tried to recreate the Roman Empire but all he managed to take were two of the shittiest countries in Africa, Eritrea and Somalia. Oh, yeah, he also occupied Ethiopia during WW2. Well done Mussolini!
Timeline:
- 999 B.C. Italic peoples migrate from the dark continent.
- 504 B.C. Rome founded by Romulus and Beanbag.
- 504 B.C. Julius "Caesar" Salad rises to power.
- 503 B.C. Beanbag murdered by Romulus, comfy sofas revolt.
- 503-120 B.C. First War of the Comfy Sofas.
- 105 B.C. Discovery and colonisation of Iceland (Terraghiaccio).
- 103 B.C. Discovery and colonisation of Greenland (Terraverde).
- 100 B.C. Discovery and colonisation of the eastern Canadian coast (New Brunswick, Newfoundland=Terranova) and subsequent slaughter of poor indigenous red peoples.
- 65 B.C. Romans fucking their mothers, aunts, cousins, brothers' wifes, pregnant ladies, goats, sheep, dogs, cats and of course, men in general.
- 25 B.C. Conquest of the western part of the Canadian territory, now "terra dei canucchi" (Canuckland) under Emperor Romulus XVI.
- 2 B.C. Magic is invented.
- 1 B.C./A.D. JESUS CHRIST! Look out, Romulus 123.
- A.D. 30 Emperor Ming's Dick II invents alphabet, fried chicken.
- A.D. 33 Italians ruled the known world.
- A.D. 36 CIA hit men kill Pope Beanbag Incubus IV in drive-by stoning.
- A.D. 38 ROMAN ORGIES! COUPLES PISS, FART, SHIT, SPIT, BURP and PUKE ON EACH OTHER. THAT'S LIKE BETTER THAN THE A.D. 1960s.
- A.D. 39-502 Second War of the Comfy Sofas.
- A.D. 503 Emperor Constantine signs Furniture Pact, grants freedom to long-suffering chaise-lounges, empire divided.
- A.D. 504 Giant meteor crashes to earth, Romulan extinction, furniture sat on.
- 1300's Italian renaissance (since when Italians got smart?)
- 1900's Lame attempt at remaking the empire. failed.
- A.D. 2006 Mazara del Vallo returns under Italian rule after the Italian reconquista of Terronia.
- A.D. 2007 The Mario Party seizes power in the Nintendo Revolution.
- A.D. 2008 The insurrection of the Totalitaristic Regime ruled by Bossi (the President of Padania Land) under Berlusconi III, elected again with a quote similar to the polls result in the last national election day, APR 14 and 13.
- A.D. 2009 Italy breaks apart, Sicily become a Mafioso nation, Lombardy turns fascist and everyone else joins the E.U. to get out of the way.
[edit] Military
"The worst warriors around the earth are Prussians. However, God created Italians to make Prussians enjoying the taste of victory." Napoleon Bonaparte
The Italian Army is famously shit: if you see an Italian private do not run. He is more afraid about you, than you about his cannon. Reaching its peak in 362 B.C., the army of Italy has since declined to the point of militiamen armed with Luparas (aka "shotties"). Some may argue that the WWII-era Italian army was actually much stronger than Leegins (or whatever the hell they're called), but this is incorrect. WWII was nothing more than Fascisti propaganda. Actually, Eurasia is at war with Eastasia. Eurasia has always been at war with Eastasia. Did i mention that they lost in world war two? no? well they did and australia beat them because it is a better country. Bunch of Gaterz. The Italian army is set to be on course for the upcoming invasion of Greece, North Africa and parts of Fritaly (Corsica and Nice). All you ah base ah are belong ah to Eetaly. Here is a real occurrence, summarizing all about the Military of Italy:
"Once upon a time in World War II... In the deserts of North Africa... Italian squad was waiting in their trenches for the command of assault from Captain Vecchio. Before the assault, Vecchio told a passionate speech to encourage his men. While Vecchio was talking, his men were about to weep. Hell yes!!.. It was definitely an impressive speech (Yes, I was there.).
Vecchio: "Who are we? We are the children of Roman Empire! Who we are? We are who dominated whole Europe more than 1000 years!! Now shout together: WHO ARE WE!!"
Squad: "WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF ROME"
Vecchio yelled as "let's show the true power of Roman glory to those Anglo-Saxon assholes!!" Then he pulled his pistol and yelled again "ATTACCOOOOO!!!"... Vecchio was running on the enemy like a cheetah. But something was wrong. His men was still in their trenches acclaiming their commander saying "BRAVO!"...
[edit] Nintendo Revolution
[edit] "Mario Party" coup
21st June 2007 the "Mario Party' Lead by Lt. Gen. Mario Mario and his right hand man Captain. Luigi Mario stormed the senate and forced a bill to be passed that - Every Italian Must hand in all their shrooms to their regions designated area and that Lt. Gen Mario Mario was to be appointed head of state as of the 22nd of June. All government members in power were forced to work under previously Lt. Gen. but as of the 22nd Emperor Mario Mario II - fully sickest wog of them all. Or be assassinated. Today the Fascist Republic of Italia is thriving and has finally gained control of malta and all its subjects due to the Nintendo Revolution
[edit] Mafia
A really popular club, the Mafia, is an international organisation dedicated to fighting injustices the world over. This club takes it upon itself to take out the trash while securing reasonable business deals for small business owners. Let's hear it for the Mafia! (Note: You can make donations in person, cash or check. Please make checks payable to Mafiosi International(r).) Never get captured by the Mafia. When they capture you they ask you a series of difficult questions. An extremely influential member of the italian Mafia is Michael Bistacchi. Known as thin lizzy on the heroin circuit he has moved his drug business from the beautiful city of Naples to the crap hole that is hull. he notoriously kills his enemies by taking their heads off with the blade of an ice skate!! The Mafia was originally a disease from Malta that the Maltese people gave to Italy as a punishment for kicking them out of Italy.
While the Mafia considers Jesus to be its ultimate spiritual head, the spiritual leader and head of the Mafia organization is the pope. The pope governs from Vatican City in Rome, a sovereign nation of which he is also the civil head of state. Each pope is elected for life by the College of Godfathers, a body composed of clerics (recently almost exclusively heavies) elevated to the status of Godfather by the Pope. The Godfathers, who also serve as papal advisors, may select any male member of the Mafia as pope, but if the candidate is not already a heavy, he must become one before taking office. The pope is assisted in the Mafia's administration by the Roman Curia, or civil service. The Mafia community is governed according to formal regulations set out in the Code of Canon Law. The official language of the Mafia is Latin, although Italian is the working language of the Vatican administration.
As of 2008 worldwide, the Mafia comprises 2,795 dioceses (also called sees or, in the East, eparchies) grouped into 23 particular rites – the Latin Rite and 22 Eastern rites – each with distinct traditions regarding the liturgy and the administering the sacraments.
Each diocese is divided into individual communities called parishes, each staffed by one or more priests. The community is made up of ordained members and the laity. Members of religious orders such as nuns, friars and monks are lay members unless individually ordained as priests.
“I find your lack of faith disturbing”
~ Clamenza on Carlo
[edit] Renaissance
Like much of the rest of Europe, Italy remained quiet during the post-empire years, only to weakly fart back to life a thousand years layer through a cultural revolution, the Renaissance. This period saw the creation of several notable manuscripts, such as Dante's 'Towering Inferno' and 'The Decalogue' (a collection of ten poems about wooden logs), Dan Brown's 'Steaming Pile of Shit' (the world's first choose-your-own-adventure pop-up book), and Leonardo Da Carpo's 'I Am A Helicopter' voyage of pubescent discovery, written in sheep's blood and banana on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A guy named Cristoforo Colombo discovered the American Continent sometime before 1500, spelling real bad news for American Indians, Aztecs, Incas and paving the way for that disgrace later to be called The United States of America.
[edit] Modern Italy
Following the atomic war when alla major cities have been destroyed and the local environment seriously affected, the United Nations granted possession of Italy to a rhesus monkey, who has governed ever since and successfully guided the nation into space, and back. Now a terrorist-infested country that regularly takes about four hostages, who in turn have to be freed by Counter Terrorist forces. Hostages are forced to eat large quantities of pizza "ai funghi". Italy has been ruled over by the tyrannical Luigi Party for six years. 2006 Marked the end of the Luigi Party and the beginning of the communist Mario Party.
Currently, Italy, along with countries like Spain, Greece, Portugal, and Malta are known as the "Middleearthians", or "people who come from the area surrounding the Middle Earth sea".
Home of Fair Verona, where Capulet pimps and Montague Gangstas constantly have shoot ups. And all forms of fire-arms have the word sword imprinted in some form.
Italy after WWII has became modern, industrial, prosperous, democratic, peaceful and intelligent! On the other hand, Sicily and Sicilians living in the USA has not. But wait...since when Italians became so smart?
[edit] Government and politics
Italy has been somewhat more democratic after the war than it used to be. The constitution, written in a hurry and stained in lasagne, states that Italy is a republic. There are five different branches of government in Italy. President Tony Soprano has been ruling the country since the fall of Italy's last dictator, Mussolini . Recent studies have shown that popular journalist Germano Mosconi helped reform the language by introducing a certain number of Venetian loanwords, greatly influencing Dante Alighieri and Francesco Petrarca's works. A wave of Romanesque loanwords are being introduced by Luca Giurato and his frequent misspellings, misspeaking, and unneeded gestures.
[edit] Five branches of the Italian government
- Legislative branch - (The Parliament) prepares and makes laws.
- Executive branch - (President, Prime Minister, Cabinet of Ministers) pretends to enforce laws.
- Judicial branch - interprets laws.
- The Mafia - breaks laws.
- Silvio Berlusconi - ignores laws.
[edit] Flag
The Italian flag is inspired by Pizza Margherita. The green stands for olives (or basil; political historians continue to debate this point), white for mozzarella cheese, and red for tomato sauce or pepperoni. (WTF? No italian would ever place peppers on pizza, at least NOT without tomato sauce!) (gli americani chiamano pepperoni il salame piccante non chiedetemi perchè)(anche gli inglesi e credo sia perchè mettono i peperoni o la paprica NEL salame, god damn it...!)
Legend has it that Napoleon wanted to make a kingdom (hint: territory of the French Republic) in Italy to unite his ethnic kin (except Corsica) and he hated the blue in the French flag, he substituted it with Green his favorite color (gay) to his new Italian flag. His cousin, Emperor Maximum Occupancy in Mexico didn't like the flag but added a brown eagle since everyone in Mexico was brown. Now the Hungarians, Bulgarians and Iranians hated the Italian flag, but the tricolor is inverted to have the red (or green) on the top and green (or red) on the bottom.(GAY!)
[edit] Italian Unification
Italy was unified by the only thing that they could possibly have in common, the Tomato. Even though it happened in 1860, still, no one can understand the Neapolitans. Since this, north Italy has remained a first world country while southern Italy is a third world country, slipping into a new category, fourth world. Despite these differences, the tomato holds them together.
[edit] Italian dissatisfaction
Today, the Italian nation-state will go down. The Lombardies in the northern third of the country (the filthy yet odorless sock of the boot) want out. On the southern third (the smelly sock in the boot), the Neapolitians may secede into the "Republic of the Original Pizzeria" after they witness their prized pizza was ruined by them "wannabee" imitators in Rome. Finally, the Sicilians (the shit near the boot tip) and the Sardinians (the shit that "don't stink") are under control by local criminal mafiosos and street gangs, they are falling into anarchy as we speak.
The "faux" Italians: the French-Provencal Aosta, German-Austrian Tirol, Slovene Friuli-Venezia-Giulia-Istria-Carinthia (whew...what a mouthful) and Serbo-Croatian-Bosnian-Montenegran-Yugoslavian (they don't know who they fucking are) Molise are trying to convince the European Union in Bruselles on their sovereignty rights are denied by those Italian assholes. In other words: Calabria was a former Greek colony, so technically the Greco-Italo-Romano-Helleno-Malto (OK...enough we get it) people can have an island country or a church state of their own as well. There goes the neighborhood.
[edit] Ties with Spain
Italy is Spain, according to George Bush and Colin Powell. Although instead of bullfighting, the Italians have an accent. The culture of both countries are very similar, they both tend to be loud, food-fanatic peoples, and both love the game of football (soccer). Pretty much like the rest of the world outside the USA. So basically Italy comprises any other country outside the USA. Not to mention, both languages are the same with different names and slight alterations to the words.
Castillian/Italian:
- Casa/Casa
- Castillo/Castello
- Partir/Partire
- Olé/Olé
- Chau/Ciao
- Buenos Dias/Buongiorno
- Mierda/Francia
- Familia/Famiglia
- Puta/Puttana
- Culo smerdato/Culo smerdato
[edit] Culture
Italy is so much better than Spain and Portugal. WASPs love Italian culture, but hate authentic ethnic Italians. Lombardians in the North dubbed Sicilians in the South the "missing link". Sicilians live in sicily the kicked out piece of shit from the boot's heel.
[edit] People
Italians are people from Italia, an awesome country to which all your base are belong. The only thing of interest to the average fat overweight foreigner ever produced by Italians was a bastardised form of Pizza. To everyone awesome there's the luxury cars, fashion houses and the condom. To all the people jealous of the awesome race of Italians they simply decree "Shaddappa ya face". Italian men also have an affection with old, fat and HAIRY grandmother type women.
It is believed that the modern purpose of the Italian race is to "pleasure -a- tha ladies -ah." It is a well known fact that the average Italian's penis is "second to none in terms of length and girth". A sexually exotic trait intherited from past racial intermarriage with Africans...known for large (wink, wink...), the Italian penis became the national symbol of "datsa Amore". As a result the glorious nation of Italy is regularly invaded by all other countries women, who abuse Italy's men. Of course these normally go home with in the words of one visitor from Runcorn (Near Liverpool, England) "A chuff like a Wizzard's Sleeve".
[edit] Food
Italians have the benefit/disease of making all the worlds best food (which the Chinese, aka Italian food with soy sauce copy badly). Italians have to power to turn the world most disgusting food into fine cuisine (refer to tomatoes, stolen from the American Indians). Pizza (which the Chinese already invented), spaghetti (ditto as the former), Canzones, Foccacia, Stromboli, Italian hogies (not subs or heros), lasagne and fettucini just to name a few. Because of this 99.9% of Italians are overweight by their 20s, however the cardiac effects of their obesity is cancelled out by the enormous amounts of olive oil which they consume. This also contributes to their greasy skin conditions. It is a well known fact that Italians can be persuaded into doing anything with just a ripe tomato (salt and pepper must also be provided) as this is the equivalent to heroin for Italians. Other admirers of Chinese (er, Italian) food are Jews, poor white Americans who don't know about ethnic cuisine and Mexicans (the FAKE Italians).
Italy's drinking laws are awesome. The average American would die of alcohol poisoning even if they just read an article on the laws, but it wouldn't matter because the average Italian would get his face stomped in by American toddlers on prozac. Italians would drink the Irish under the table to see who's drunk first. the italians are renouned for makin' da pizza and de spagetti, edo minott isa da most famous chef in alla de landa! da pizza isa dougha based, cheesa topping, macaroni snack!
[edit] Sport
Italy is well known for their brilliantly conniving tactics that do not actually pose any relevance to the actual playing of the game. Most well known perhaps is the ability to talk shit to the other team in order to induce such a violent reaction that the team's only hope of victory will be eliminated from the competition. Marco Materazzi, in particular, will be remembered forever as a hero who took one for the team when he courageously and voluntarily withstood a suicide headbutt from a large, scary, French terrorist. Some would say that Italian footballers have no real respect for the game but those brilliant Italians know that it's just smart football!
Italy's national team color is "azzuro savoia" which can be loosely translated to the color that a man's genetalia develops when it is unable to release a buildup of ejaculative substance.
Italy's national football team is also widely feared and massively intimidating as displayed by the photo below that was shot by the world renowned athletics company Douchebags & Gaysex. They also currently hold the world record for most Academy Awards won by a national team and are the only national team to have had players also win gold medals in Olympic diving.
[edit] Trivia
- Italian people can only speak in three tones of voice: Louder-than-you-want-them-to-be, Obnoxiously loud and Even-louder-than-that.
| • • I T A L Y • • | ||
| Places | ||
| Rome • Venice • Florence • Kingdom of the Two Sicilies • Pisa • Vatican City • Paneveggio • Grimsby • Portofino | ||
| People | ||
| Alighieri • Mussolini • Berlusconi • da Vinci • Machiavelli • Corleone • Boyardee • CheddarBBQ | ||
| Gastronomy | ||
| Pizza • Pasta • Alfredo • Spaghetti • Worms • Genitalia |
| Northern Europe | Channel Islands · Denmark · Estonia · Faroe Islands · Finland · Guernsey · Iceland · Ireland · Isle of Man · Latvia · Lithuania · Norway · Old Jersey · Sealand · Svalbard · Sweden · United Kingdom | 
|
| Western Europe | Austria · Belgium · Corsica · France · Germany · Liechtenstein · Luxembourg · Monaco · Netherlands · Switzerland | |
| Eastern Europe | Belarus · Bulgaria · Czech Republic · Hungary · Moldova · Poland · Romania · Russia · Slovakia · Ukraine | |
| Southern Europe | Albania · Andorra · Balearic Islands · Bosnia and Herzegovina · Croatia · Cyprus · Gibraltar · Gozo · Greece · Italy · Kosovo · Macedonia · Madeira · Malta · Montenegro · Portugal · San Marino · Serbia · Sicily · Slovenia · Spain · Vatican City |
