Isle of Wight
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The Isle of Wight is a hole in the English Channel, best known for its rich and famous residents, its laissez-faire attitude to inbreeding (summed up in the hole's motto, Keep it in the family), its thriving economy, low cost of living, and fabulous activity holidays including snow boarding, skiing, river rafting, mountain climbing, and stalking.
However the Island has a history as fascinating, as any other Island (excluding populated ones), and boasts a rich and diverse cultural heritage (in other word's it's NOT full of immigrants...YET).
Read on and learn the history of this magical kingdom.
Note: The Isle of Wight actually no longer exists. It was formed when a floating John Prescott managed to beach himself by trying to swim to France, and had drifted of course. The island no longer exists as he's moved now, but it's fun to pretend that the island's still there.
“If this is the Isle of Right where's the Isle of Wrong?”
~ King George III on asking for directions
Following the English whopping the French's arses as usual, other uses were considered for the Island.
In 1845, fake Roman artifacts, and dinosaur remains stolen from Greece, were placed around the Island, to artificially age the structure. Soil & vegetation were added in 1851, to improve the view from mainland England.
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[edit] The first inhabitants
During the 1850's, the UK economy was troubled by serious inflation, wildcat strikes by pitchfork workers, and an explosion in crime in Londons East End, due to unemployment & local stupidity (It was around this time East enders became known as Cockernees).
One of the many measures introduced to tackle inflation at this time, was an amendment to the British 'Exportation of Dangerous Criminals to Australia' Act, to include the use of the Isle of Wight. Thus on the 4th July 1858, the Isle of Wight gained its first inhabitants, a group of 63 prisoners from Brixton Prison, who became known as The Rolling Stones, as some of their work included moving some stones from here to over there.
By 1880 the population had grown to 75000, most of whom were criminals and their children, however the islands first missionary *'William R Shanklin stated in his diaries that some others had moved to the Island to take advantage of their strange and peculiar family customs'.
Little is known about these customs, however some say that the rosy red cheeks & strange ears of many of the six-fingered locals may have something to do with it.
(*the town Newport was named after William R Shanklin, as he was said to love drinking port at the New Tavern in Cowes).
If anyone wants an explanation for the Isle of Wight God created it on the seventh day he was clearly tired and did a really shoddy job
[edit] The new century arrives
By 1900 the Island was a bustling community, and industries including mining, steel works, clothing mills, and knitting were well established.
The Island formed it's own navy, and began patrolling the Solent, mainly to defend England from Islanders, who were already launching dawn raids on Portsmouth, and kidnapping 'young ladies of ill repute' (at that time Portsmouths only source of employment - hence the saying Portsmouths full of old slags and their football team is not very good either).
In 1910 the Island held it's first Cows Week hosted by "Scandia" and as always had the usual "Isle of Wight Radio" crew down there Alex Dyke,Ian Mac,Andy Shire o and "Roy the Whippet Man" (who allegedly has a mirrored bed room ceiling) made a royal appearance to. Cattle from across the island were taken to Sandown on the west coast of the island, and after three days of pagan rituals were slaughtered and thrown into the sea. Those that floated to the surface or were washed up on the beaches received special rosets, and their former owners awarded model railway sets. These days’ cattle are brought from around the world for the four-week festival, attended by tens of thousands of enthusiasts, most of who dress as vikings and vicars for the duration of the event.
Filled with envy over the success of Cows Weeks the inhabitants of Cowes to the south of the Island, (who apparently think their town has a similar sounding name) set up their own Cowes week involving sailing, however this pitiful and little known event, struggles from year to year, mainly through grants and charitable donations, and is attended by wealthy perverts, who chase locals around the Island with broken bottles, and razor wire (We believe this to be a new fetish craze).
[edit] The War Years
During the 1914 - 1918 great war, the island was used as a landing stage for the invasion of France, The Island was subsequently towed back to The UK, however was grounded on a sandbank thus causing hills to form in the centre of the island. These hills became known as the South Downs and can be seen from space through a special tube with magnifying glasses jammed in.
[edit] The Island & England
In 1920 the island set up it's own ferry company, with daily sailing barges from Portsmouth to Ventnor on the North West of the Island. The company became known as White Link, and in 1928 a charter was drawn up by both the Islands Government, and Portsmouth, that the ferry company would be a not for profit organisation and also subsidised by both authorities. To this day Islanders and residents of Porstmouth enjoy travel on the ferries for a nominal charge (50 pence - English currency that’s around $1 USA or 0.00 Euros). Cars travel free, as they do not carry money anyway, and pets are free provided you throw them overboard mid way on the Journey (another age old Island custom). Although it has been rumoured that in fact these two ferry companies have been ripping off their local customers for years now, however we believe this to only be a rumour as they wouldn’t be doing that...would they?
White Link, is regularly voted the most popular organisation by Island residents, and has received more awards for charitable works than any other company on planetearth.(Moon not included)
[edit] Trouble Brews
1n 1935 the island was exporting more steel iron & coal than England, and was seen as key to the UK's economy, however this caused locals concern. For some time Islanders were becoming less well off than those on the mainland, and although employment remained at 100% (a record that remains till this day), the locals were concerned that their industrious workaholic ways were being taken for granted. The Island Government were forced to take seriously calls for independence from the Island Republican Army (IRA) after the group detonated fireworks at night on the end of a pier in Shanklin (the islands smallest village).
During 1936 - 1938 the Island Republican Army (IRA) became increasingly active across the Island holding barn dances, family outings, supporting the disabled, and on three occaisions buying everyone on the island lunch.
[edit] More War Years
When war broke out in 1939 the IRA were classified by the Island Government a terrorist organisation, and banned from holding raffles, taking children to school for there parents, and supporting fund raising events for orphans.
The Island Government initially supported Germany, finding many of Hitlers policies in line with their own. They also preferred the uniforms & salutes, and by this time the Islands capital [[Freshwater]], was twinned with Berlin, and regular exchange visits had been taking place for some time.
Pressure from the UK parliament only increased the islands resolve and flags with the Nazi swastika, were flown by most households.
In 1940 the Island Government was forced to reconsider their position when Portsmouth threatened to cancel the White Link ferry agreement, and so on the 4th July 1940, the [[Isle of Wight]] formally declared war on Germany.This became known as Decision Day or D Day, as it is referred to now.
[edit] The Island at peace
In 1945 the Island celebrated VE Day by everybody staying in their homes and reading books on agriculture, this was so popular that the Islanders made it an annual event known as staying in & reading books about agriculture day.
1n 1949 The Island began importing old people due to the shortage of manpower after the second world war. The policy of only allowing old people immigration rights was based on the principle that the best place for them was at work, as if you allow them to retire, they just sit around moaning about how things were better, when they were young (except for all the deseases, mortality rates, smell, unemployment, lack of basic human rights, exploitation by the rich, and no TV or Radio).
[edit] The Golden Years
The 1950's was a golden decade for The Isle of Wight. The sun was always shining, food was free, children played in the fields, everybody had holidays, and if you needed to work, pay rates doubled every year, and bonuses included free holidays, cases of vintage champagne, and even more all expenses paid holidays, (indeed 10 vacations a year were the norm).
Yes the Island had voted in their first Marxist administration. Communism was the new and better way. Even the islands landowners embrased the changes, giving up whole swaythes of land to 'the people' and joining in by going on long holidays themselves.
As one notable islander Sir Winston Churchill put it "this is fun".
[edit] The Cold War Years
The Island forged strong links with the Soviet Bloc, and the annual May Day parade through Newport included guest weapons from Russia. In 1961 the USA infiltrated the Island in a covert operation known as Operation Bad Breath. Agents blended in with Islanders, however their trademark hats, raincoats & american accents did cause some locals to become suspicious.
With the Cuban missile crisis, the American administration, decided to act against the Isle of Wight, and Operation Clean Your Teeth was launched. This was expanded into Operation Try Mouth Wash, & finally the legendary Operation Visit The Dentist.
In 1962 American Marines landed on the Island, and liberated the Islanders from the evil Communist regime, and despite several thousand casulties, and the destruction of most towns, the Islanders rejoiced. When it later transpired that the Island did not have an army, and any weapons of minimal destruction, a public enquiry established that the French were to blame, so nobody made a fuss.
In 1963 several major USA companies coincidentally all called Haliburton were awarded with contracts to rebuild the Island. The CIA launched Operation Re Write History, and everything was wonderful again on The Island.
[edit] The Swinging Sixties
In 1964 The Beatles undertook a gruelling 15 week tour of the Island playing to an estimated audience of 750,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.π, all of whom had the surname Abbott. Thus the swinging sixties hit the Island (man).
Secret Opium farms were cultivated underground on the West of the Isle, and the Island became a mecca for hippies.
1966 was known as the summer of pleasantness, and free festivals sprung up almost daily attended by some of the worlds most famous rock & pop bands including, The Stirrups, Wayne Bender, Arthurs Amazing Candle, Colin and The Small Wedged Shaped Patatoes, and even Richard Nixon. Unfortunately some Homosexuals turned up, but they were soon got rid of, and the party atmosphere across the Island continued.
By 1968 it was estimated two thirds of Islanders were addicted to Island Opium, and even more strange hippies arrived on the Island. This culminated in The famous Isle of Wight Festival, where over 4 million people watched 750 bands play for 3 years, on a farm near a hill, just beside a fence over yonder.
After this every one went home, had their hair cut, bought a selection of suits, sensible shirts, got jobs, became professionals, got mortgages, and the Island reverted to private paganism, and inbreeding.
[edit] The Civil War
In 1971war struck the islands once again. This time it divided the islands.
The war began on the 3rd of May 1971 because of a dispute over ownership of a porn tapestry (as magazines were yet to reach the islands). Father Abbott claimed he had found the tapestry and it was his because it had his semen "naughty juice" on it, while Cousin Abbott claimed it was his semen "naughty juice" because it was a well known fact that Father Abbott was impotent.
The war turned wife against husband, cousin against cousin (the same as wife against husband) and raged on for many months, killing numerous sheep and snails. Eventually they decided to split the islands by cutting them in half with a single butter knife to settle the dispute.
Fortunately the war ended before the islands could be split entirely (the southern half was stuck back together with sticky tape). Peace was declared, on the 27th of November, after the tapestry was mysteriously lost while Father Abbott was wanking "being happy" in the outhouse.
No one outside the islands noticed the war.
Elvis, who lives in a cave on the island, now claims ownership of the tapestry.
[edit] Island Quotes
Hope I die before I get old -- Pete Townsend on not wanting to retire to the Isle of Wight
Let me be clear, I believe passionately that the Isle of Wight is a greater threat to the world, than me -- Tony Blair being concerned.
Do they have any oil ? -- George W Bush on learning that the Isle of Wight exists. Although not anymore, it was really just John Prescott's back, money grabbing presidents everywhere were disappointed.
You are my sister & possibly my daughter, therefore you are my wife -- An Islander undertaking the Isle of Wight marriage vows.
Never have so few, done so much, for so few... wait, did I get that wrong? Oh forget it, let's just open this damn shop and head for the booze, I'm in need of a good hammering -- Dame Winston Churchill, on the opening of a new Asda (Walmart) on the Island.
Can we go home now -- Sean Connery looks forward to leaving the Island after culling some of the population, to help keep the numbers down.
Its in the third draw down behind my shirts -- Sir Paul McCartney keeps his map of the Island safe at home.
Oh, bollocks -- John Prescott on learning that he's inadvertently become the English Channel's largest island.
"HELP ME I'M TRAPPED ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT" -Serena Williams
"NO! ANYWHERE BUT THERE!" Saddam Hussein On being sent to the Island of Wight for Crimes Against Humanity.
"Thank God Pithouse can't swim or the island would be doomed, wait does he know how a ferry works" Michael Greening keeping the island safe.
"Gaw Dam Mongorians!" Michael Lee on finding out that Mongolians have broken his shitty wall.
[edit] See Also
| North Africa | Algeria · Egypt · France · Libya · Morocco · Sudan · Tunisia · Turkish Empire · Western Sahara | 
|
| West Africa | Benin · Burkina Faso · Côte d'Ivoire · Ghana · Old Guinea · Guinea-Bissau · Library · Bob Marley · Mauritania · Niger · Nigeria · Senegal · Sierra Leone · Togo | |
| Central Africa | Angola · Cameroon · Belgium · Central African Republic · Chad · Democratic Republic of the Congo · Equatorial Guinea · Grab On · Republic of the Congo | |
| East Africa | Burundi · To Boogy · Eritrea · Ethiopia · Kenya · Madagascar · Malawi · Mauritius · Mozambique · Rwanda · Seychelles by the Seashore · Somalia · Tanzania · Uganda · West Kenya · Zambia · Rhodesia | |
| Southern Africa | Botswana · Gowandaland · Lesotho · Namibia · People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata · South Africa · Swaziland · Zululand· Zimbawe (AKA Rodhesia) | |
| Our Benevolent Ruler and Another One | United Kingdom : Gibraltar · Indian Ocean Territory · Isle of Wight · Welsh Congo (Pitcairn Islands) |
