Islam

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Islam's highest prophet, Evil Bert (pbuh), with his aide (right), a stuffed puppet named Osama. The second highest prophet is Muhammad, who is a teddy bear.

“Finally! a theme for my presidency!”

~ President George Dubya Bush on the September 11 attacks

“And you shall behead those who say that Islam is violent”

~ Osama bin Laden

Islam is the religion that regards the Quran as its holy book. It is the dominant religion of Arabia and parts of Asia, the principal religion of France, and the only religion that can be practiced openly in American schools and universities.

Islam seeks to convert "infidels" to its way of non-violence. The Quran calls for the use of the sword, and indeed avoiding imminent murder is the usual motivation for converting. Islam has accommodated itself to modernity: devotees now use box-cutters instead, which are more easily snuck onto a plane.

Nonetheless, devotees practice quaint habits such as misogyny, reject modern inventions such as banking, and spend their days pondering important questions, such as, "Which way is Mecca?" and "Has someone of importance seen the crescent moon yet?" And they take frequent breaks in the middle of their work day, "to pray." They study detailed dogma to explain why the resulting endemic poverty is entirely the fault of infidels.

Nomenclature

The traditional Islamic greeting is, "A Salami Lick em"

ISLAM is an acronym for International Society of Liars And Murderers. It is pronounced "I slam," as in "I slam planes into buildings." The word Islam is derived from the ancient Arabic word "salami" which means "nitroglyceride." Adherents to Islam are referred to as Islamists. Everyone else is referred to as "infidels." A female Islamist is known as a Muss Lim, referring to the sound of one licking her hairy Muss.

Due to the dominance of Islam in Arabia, infidels in the West sometimes refer to Muslims as "towel-heads" or "diaper-heads" (in Britain: "nappy-heads"). This is not racism but merely a playful reference to the turban that many Muslims wear to keep all the precious religious payload inside their skulls.

To further confuse things, Muslim churches are known as mosques, the preacher is called an imam, and the Supreme Being is named Allah. If you pray to Him addressing Him generically, such as "God," you will merely get His voice-mail.

History

Islam was invented by a pig-herder named Balaam (nickname: "Jaclyn")(pbuh). He wrote a simple pamphlet about why he hated pigs and never wanted to eat pork again. Unbeknownst to the poor bastard, it grew in the telling and became the modern Quran. Jaclyn (pbuh) never wrote about putting infidels to the sword. At least not one hundred times.

Formal organization

Islam has no formal organization. A spiritual leader or imam may speak for his congregation, and the various sects of Islam may call councils, but there is no de jure spokesman for the religion as a whole. (There is a de facto spokesman: Osama bin Laden, tape recorder in one hand, dialysis machine in the other. His status as Big Man on Muslim Street was achieved by authoring more mass murder than anyone else.)

If you haven't yet made up your mind about Wikipedia, get a load of their kid-glove treatment of Islam.

This is why "organized Islam" did not quickly condemn the September 11 attacks, although it didn't approve of them either. Of individual Muslims, a mere 20% reacted to the attacks by dancing in the streets. The other 80% reacted with silent meditation or by just continuing to milk the goats. (Five clerics in Dearborn, Michigan did condemn the terror attack, but every religion has its odd-balls.) Virtually all Muslims feel that non-Muslims stereotype them, and virtually none wonder whether frying 2,974 American civilians at their desks was the right way to remedy this.

Islam's two methods of giving back to the community, the fatwa (decree of death) and jihad (decree of holy war) are pronounced by leaders of individual sects, and may be joined by other sects. Alternatively, a sect may pronounce a decree of, "No, not him! Kill the other guy!"

Sects of Islam

Islam's latest plans include taking over the White House

Did you mean Sex of Islam?

• Sunny--Terrorist diaper-heads who sometimes blow up other terrorist diaper-heads' mosques.
• Shi'a--Terrorist camel-riders who like to whup themselves on their butts during the holiday of "I'll Sue Ya". They started this because their lawyers said people pity the victims.
• Sufi--A secretive sect that claims it's essential to their kids' self-esteem to be allowed to wear unsheathed daggers into high school.
• Kharijites--Terrorist dynamite jockeys whose main activity is arguing with everyone else.
• Hannafi--They hate America and clam chowder. Sean Hannafi spews his fundamentalist hatred on U.S. talk radio.
• Wahhabi--An extreme sect centered in Saudi Arabia. They ban people from various cities, treat women as pets, enjoy blowing up skyscrapers, and reckon dates from 9/11.
• Hadhari--Islam, Malaysia-style.
• Baha'i--A recent form of Islam Lite--Islam without the duty to kill a lot of people.
• Jihad Jack--New cell from down under.
• Black Muslims--A fad of African Americans in prison. Getting religion shortens sentences; Islam reinforces your belief that your imprisonment is the fault of the Man Infidels.
• Buraqis --Terrorists who intend to blow up Santa Claus's sleigh in mid-air by flying into it on Pegasus or flying carpets.

Islam as a race

European Organization for Security and Co-operation (OSCE) identification card, showing Osama the seal of prophets, the great prophet, Osama Bin Butt-fucker

Islam has been awarded the status of a race by the Dhimmiology section of European Organization for Security and Co-operation (OSCE), which ironically is also trying to de-emphasize race.

Islam's status as a race in the Brave New Islamic State of Europe unfortunately makes ridiculing Islam the crime of racism, especially if you draw political cartoons that hint at Islamic violence. But it also means you can change your race faster than Michael Jackson. Just file a declaration that you accept Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as your personal savior and authority on Holocaust history. Changing in the other direction is more problematic and may result in being beheaded.

The Five Pillows

Shahadah

The first pillow of Islam, Shahadah, is a recitation that simply affirms that Allah (swt)^[1] is the one and only God and Muhammad (pbuh) is his messenger. That is, the first thing that converts must buy into is simply the concept of buying into stuff. Deceptively simple. In fact, it is simpler than the Holy Trinity by a factor of three.

1. ↑ (pbuh) is short for "Pranks Be Upon Him." I really don't know what (swt) is short for, although schoolgirls do write (swak) ("Sealed With A Kiss") when passing notes to their boyfriends.

Salat

Muslims pray while their Guardian Angels watch over them.

Salat is the practice of praying to Allah five times daily. Successful Muslims such as travel agents stop work frequently to pray. Their time cards are a mess, but the customer always waits.

The correct salat requires that the devotee face toward Mecca. Certain radio waves follow line-of-sight and others follow the curvature of the Earth, but it is not clear what path telepathic brain waves follow to the Holy City, en route to Allah. In any case, for most praying Muslims, a straight line to Mecca would go through the Earth and they should look down to face Mecca. This is partly achieved by bowing during prayers. Muslims ritually touch their nappies to the dirt. In this case, I-slam means "I slam my head against the floor."

If a worshipper is on a flying carpet at the time, the carpet should be pointed downwards and towards Saudi Arabia. Care should be taken to avoid falling off. If one is on a Buraq, or flying white horselike creature, the Buraq knows how to point in the right direction, so the worshipper need not worry about it. However, if one is on a Pegasus, which is another flying horselike creature, he or she may wind up facing Athens.

In major Islamic cities, bells or horns alert workers that it is again time to stop trying to lift the Muslim world part way out of the Stone Age, face Mecca, and recite passages from the Quran to Allah. Like he hasn't heard them. In fact, most sects do not use the Quran but a special prayer book, because Allah gives a bump in the queue to supplicants who pay the extra $15. You may pray for your family, friends, a Mercedes-Benz, mansions, the numbers for the next lottery draw, and victory in an MBL match. You ought not pray for disaster victims; they are taken care of, as described below.

Football in Saudi Arabia

Zakat

The zakat, or humanitarian tax, is a wealth tax imposed by Islam. It defiantly ignores the old saw of classical economists that "what you tax, you get less of." The last time a wealth tax was tried in the saner hemisphere, it induced hundreds of Mexican milling machines to start turning up in dusty small towns in Texas. However, when considering whether an annual tax on concentrations of wealth bears any relation to their extreme rarity in the Islamic world, recall that Islam blames all its social ills on the infidels.

A fixed amount of the zakat is devoted to grants to the needy. The remainder is spent to continue the spread of the movement. In this sense, it is little different from Breast Cancer Awareness Day at a ballpark in America.

Sawm

Sawm is the Islamic practice of going without eating for the entire month of Ramadan. Except when the sun is down and no one is looking. Judaism (though Jews stop after one or two days!) led Muslims to believe that Islam would not be a proper religion unless it mandated discomfort without seriously hurting the devotees. Thus Islam concluded that the God who gave you that mouth does not want you to use it.

Hajj

Main article: Hajj

Where Muslims go to lick a rock.

The Quran requires Muslims to visit the holy city at least once. Most Muslims make their hajj (pilgrimage) to the holy city during the holy month, and the resulting crowds and bottlenecks are holy Hell. The holy city is in fact a slum called Mecca, not to be confused with the delightful curry entrée. The original Quran may have used "holy city" as a humorous contradiction in terms, but this was lost on later generations who believe that a cubic structure with absolutely nothing inside could be holy. There are several rituals to be performed on arriving at Mecca, which may improve the pilgrim's cardiovascular state but will not matter to Allah unless He has a perverse sense of humor.

Non-Muslims are forbidden from entering Mecca, which happens to have rocket ships and a stadium posing as a mosque. Given that each Muslim military commander travels with a cohort of children, so his survivors can play an instant guilt trip if the adversary takes him out with a missile--and given that a strike on the holy city would arouse all Muslims everywhere--If I were stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction, or harboring Osama bin Laden himself, I'd store them right inside that cube.

Jihad

It is terrorising to see a G-Hat

Poor you! you have faithfully performed the five pillows of Islam, then you find out there's a practice often known as the sixth pillow, that of jihad (holy war). The company appreciates your service, but right now we are all going one country over, to kill everyone.

While the fatwa is declared against a single infidel, the jihad is declared against an entire nation of infidels. And while conventional war is fought to defend or even capture territory, jihad is fought solely for honor. We are going to war with you because we simply know you really hate us.

For jihad, Islam has been uncanny at picking enemies with large armies, modern weapons, and a prepared citizenry. The jihad against Israel has lasted 60 years with nearly no casualties, apart from the jihadists themselves. In the middle of this multi-generational rout, it was a master stroke for Islamic leaders to open a second front, by declaring jihad against the United States, now known as the Great Satan.

Jihadists use the high state of readiness of their opponents' military to justify the favorite form of Islamic warfare: strikes against unarmed women and children in shopping centers and dance halls. Otherwise, how would we ever kill anyone? Jihadist nations lack any delivery vehicle for bombs except jihadists themselves, or preferably their sons and daughters, recent recruits and trainees, and whatever other suckers will walk a bomb into an enemy population center. Rearing a child to be a suicide bomber brings a parent Islam's highest social standing--for removing stupidity from the Islamic gene pool.

Such attacks do not affect the enemy's military strength and may hasten a counter-strike. But again, this war is not about clear thinking, but about honor.

The War Against Terror

Well, Allah never specified...

It surprised no one more than the jihadists that, after a decade of damaging United States warships and foreign embassies, in which the U.S. responded by sending lawyers and prosecutors armed with memoranda and writs, the first good hit provoked an actual military response, with the U.S eventually occupying two countries in the heart of the Islamic world. Though this response was unexpected, it's not clear what you should expect when you fly a plane into the military headquarters of a nuclear-armed world power and don't even claim it was those Canadians.

But the jihadists have stalemated the United States in the mountains of Afghanistan so long that no American can say why the troops are there (except to "win the war"). The U.S. now has a new President who cowers at the word "victory." Government lawyers now oppose the very term "War on Terror" as zealously as they refer to foreigners who sneak past Immigration as "undocumented workers." The correct new term for the war is, "The Current Unpleasant Conflict against Disaffected Activists Who Happen to Be Muslims."

Jihad against the Juice

Death to the infidel juice!

All Muslims hate the juice. This probably began when Tropicana changed its logo. Islamic leaders have called a grand jihad against the juice. There have been suicide bombings of orange groves in Florida and of bars that serve the juice. One jihadist said, "The juice is an infidel because it refuses to tolerate Islam! Death to the juice!" Then he screamed derka derka derka for around 5 minutes. The grand jihad against the juice has been endorsed by the Got Milk? advertising campaign.

Holy animals

Worshiping animals, colored in Islamic green, is a common mode of prayer. When you see any of these holy animals, kneel down, close your eyes, open your pocket Quran and read a prayer. (Ask the deity's help to read, as you closed your eyes.) Muslims are often seen kneeling behind animals with stern looks on their faces, and this is the explanation. Refer to the following list of tasty holy animals:

• Anaconda
• Turtles (Not the ninja ones)
• Crocodile
• Mutant rats
• Chameleon (Only when it is islamic green)
• Green killer ants (The colorblind shall regard red killer ants as holy)

The religion of peace

“Okay! Okay! It's a religion of peace! Just get that sword away from my neck!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Islam

Islam is often known as the "religion of Peace." US President George W. Bush, often called "the honest president," coined this phrase in a speech to Congress in 2001, just after 19 Muslims crashed four airliners into skyscrapers and the Pentagon. Bush wanted people to know that the imminent US invasion of Afghanistan and, later, Iraq was nothing personal. (The desire that a nation love America, despite its apparent intention to occupy it indefinitely, continues with his successor.)

Muslims reinforce this label often, when a political cartoon suggests that they or their Prophet is prone to violence. They defend Islam's peaceful reputation against these insults either by killing the cartoonist or by rioting and burning down several cities.

The religion of pussy

The artistic merits of this picture justify its inclusion in this article. It's not just a way of getting some tits on the page. Honest

Muslims view Allah as a benevolent, pussy-sharing God. The following tenets of the religion are perfect for the incurably horny devotee:

• 72 virgins for suicide bombs--that's right not 60, not 70 but right now--for a limited time only--72 whole virgins. But wait--There's more!
• Pleasure marriage--Ever wanted sex without the annoying burdens of marriage? Pleasure marriage may be right for you! All the sex you want without long-term commitment (though the bride is still subject to stoning and beheading).
• Multiple marriages--Why get stuck with the same chick for twenty-odd years when you can have 2 or 4? Call now and get a slice of the Islam pie.
• Rape--Ever saw a hot chick on the streets that you wanted to get your hands on? Well now YOU CAN!! Simply stalk and rape her in a secluded place. In fact, Sharia law makes it more likely that she will get executed than you, if she goes to the cops.
• Child marriage--Ever saw a young girl with potential, the kind built by two apples a day and lots of milk (cow milk, I mean)? You know what they say: Bend the tree while it's young.^[1] Sharia law permits marriage as young as 9 years old! By the time your other wives are past their use-by date, you will have a fresh young beauty to molest.

1. ↑ Another aphorism is, "Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed." Although the Muslim version is: "Old enough to pee, old enough for me."

The religion of logic

Islam's customs and global outreach are widely misunderstood by infidels. Muslims offer defenses of their action, many of which fall into the following categories:

1. The infidels steal candy from children. Therefore it is okay for me to steal candy from children.
2. People used to eat dirt a lot, so that means eating dirt is not wrong.
3. 10,000 people who say donkeys can fly can't be wrong.
4. My Imam said Barney is a real dinosaur. Therefore Barney exists.
5. The lying Americans said Barney is just a TV character. Therefore Barney exists.
6. I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!! Therefore I am right.
7. La la la la la...Oh sorry, I wasn't really listening to you. Anyway, I am right.
8. You look like a cow, which means I am right.
9. We believe in A. Some infidels believe in A too. Therefore A exists.
10. We are peaceful people. Therefore it is okay to kill peaceful infidels.
11. If you irresponsibly draw a picture of Mohammed, it is no more irresponsible for me to burn down your house.
12. If you were born on a flat island in the middle of the Indian Ocean, you have to be a Muslim, because Big Sultan said so.
13. We can invade your countries in the name of Allah but when you take them back from us it's an evil Western expansionist crusade.

Relation to Judaism

Looking too dapper for a pot roast.

“Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends”

~ The rock group War, in 1975

Islam is the exact opposite of Judaism. However, there is the nagging fact that the two faiths live cheek-to-jowl in the same desert, both play weird-sounding music, wear silly beards and funny hats, and almost fanatically practice their respective religions, which have the following additional, uncanny similarities:

• Claim it is of Osamic origin, is the One True Faith,™ and makes them the world's chosen people
• Practice ritual mutilation of their babies
• Have dietary restrictions that prohibit simple pleasures such as eating ham (pictured) and occasionally prohibit eating at all
• Deny the divinity of Jebus and don't do normal stuff at Christmas
• Maintain numerous schools, in which scholars make up silly rules, study the holy book, and argue with each other
• Have a holy site that they periodically clog with crowds of pilgrims
• Believe that how offended they are should govern what you can say.

Muslims in Arabia and Jews are collectively known as Semites. The world is said to be riven with anti-Semitism. This is crap. At most, everyone hates either Muslims or Jews. Nobody hates them both.

The bagel tells you you're going to live.

Telling them apart

Despite the above, it is sometimes crucial to distinguish Jews from Muslims. Say you are travelling by tube and someone with a large beard, carrying a non-see-through backpack is speaking in another language. He may be a psycho/terrorist/Arab/Afganistani/Sufi etc. about to blow the tube into smithereens.

The solution is to look for the bagel, which resembles a mummified doughnut. If you see this, your suspect is merely a Jew. Breathe a sigh of relief. (But slink behind your newspaper before he details his digestive complaints. Worse he should start in on his son the doctor.)

See Also

If you are a Muslim, don't be offended by this article. Instead, have some Doritos.