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“If I have neglected to insult anyone among here present, I apologise”
“I like pie.”
For Millenia, the term 'Magic' has been used to describe any action or event that cannot be explained by contemporary philosophy or scientific thought. Pre-literate people (such as John Prescott or Rio Feridinand) often group magic into two sub-categories, 'Black' and 'White'. White Magic was used to describe any inexplicable occurrence with a beneficial outcome, for instance, a printer that actually prints, whilst Black Magic was used to describe an inexplicable occurrence with a sinster, injurious, or harmful outcome, for instance George W. Bush's victory over Al Gore in the 2000 presidential election or the co-allition invasion of Iraq. Those who practice magic are referred to as witches, and in previous centuries were often accused of Witchcraft, for which they would be tied to a steak and burnt to death by Fagots. I mean, tied to a stake and burnt to death by large flaming wooden logs.
Famous practicers of witchcraft include:
- Diego Maradona
- Marie Curie
- David Blaine
- Geoffry Chaucer
- George Harrison (I mean, who's actually heard of a crying guitar?)
- Chris Martin
- Tony Bliar, no sorry... er...Tony Blair
- George W. Bush
- Oscar Wilde... oh no, sorry, that was sodomy.
Famous Fagots include:
For this recipe, you will need:
- 1 tbs of cinnamon
- half a pound of butter
- 1 tsp of milk
- 300 cloves of garlic
- 4 pints of Scotch
- a small, skinned and boned Gnu
- 3 rounds of tuna sandwiches
- 1 pint of David Blaine's dribble
- 2.2 children
- a small army
Preparation: When Micro$oft announced the production of Window$, people decided to buy computers again seeing as any other computers at the time were a load of rubbish. But by the release, people complained that Micro$oft were anti-competitive and bad-tempered, these people were later all found dead in a cupboard and their murder investigation was abandoned after Micro$oft donated $100bn to the US Government.
- Put the butter in a large saucepan and gently heat. When fully melted sprinkle on Cinnamon and slurp the milk noisily through your teeth. Follow this with a loud 'aaahhh!!'.
- Add the small army and cook until hot and bothered/burnt.
- Pour 2 pints of scotch into a large bowl and marinate your head for 1 hour, all the while gently prodding the small army and stirring in putrid Gnu and/or tuna sandwiches.
- Drink all remaining Scotch in one sitting and set your head alight.
“In Soviet Russia, cats may SLEEP !!”
edit What I Did Yesterday
I didn't do a damn thing. I woke up, ate, took a nap, woke up again, went on uncyclopedia, ate and ate some more, went on uncyclopedia again, after that I went to bed. Told you that my day sucked. Oh yeah i forgot your mom was over and I fucked the shit outta that bitch.