Ireland

The Irish flag

Ireland is an ancient Isle renowned for its rolling green hills, Saints and Scholars, friendly, generous, highly attractive people and 364 days of rainfall each year.

It is widely believed that the Irish People were the first humans to travel into space in the year 920AD. A highly evolved society inhabitted the small Island and lived peacefully for hundreds of years. It's speculated that disease and poverty were non-existent and telepathy was the main form of communication.

This all changed with the invention of two drinks, a brown liquid called Whiskey and a black and white drink called Guinness. The civilisation descended into anarchy. The men became violent and constantly intoxicated. All knowledge of the techniques of space travel were lost and a neighboring Island called Britain saw its chance to take over the country. They attacked with large pointy things and wore shiny metal clothes. The Irish stood no chance. In fact many of them couldn't stand at all. The Brittons soon found out that Ireland was just like their own Isle with grass, sheep and rain and promptly left.

The Irish soon prospered with the invention of a new miracle drug called The Potato. This gave them superhuman strength and sharp minds. Unfortunately they were still fond of drinking so used these gifts mainly for manual labour, arm wrestling and fighting. A small group decided to follow a new craze called Christianity and built churches in every town and village. Schools were set up by these "Christian Brothers" where the youngsters were taught the ways of the world. It was a tough process as any time they got a question wrong they were beaten to within an inch of their life with a shoe or blunt instrument. But most of the Brothers kissed and made up with the boys, something which would later get them in lots of trouble.

As Ireland moved into the 20th century it had become rich thanks to exports of Whiskey and Guinness. People often thank the Irish for gifting them with such beverages but few realise it's part of a 60 year plan to get the entire world plastered so that they can take over as supreme overlords. But that's beside the point.......

Towards the end of the 20th century the Irish realised that they had many talents. One was the ability to make glass, rename it "Waterford Crystal" and sell it at outrageous prices to Americans. This was mainly thanks to the many Irish spies that "emigrated" there. In fact many foreign operatives have travelled to almost every corner of the earth. Every year on the 17th of March these spies hold their AGM under the guise of a holiday called "St. Patricks Day". Mind altering Green Guinness and Shamrock shaped surveillance devices are distributed to the masses. Thus ensuring that the 60 year world domination plan (see above) remains on target.

The Irish are also excellent poets, singers and songwriters. A trait they like to show off every once in a while. In the 90's they thought they'd take the piss by winning the Eurovision Song Contest 3 years in a row. This joke soon turned into a nightmare as they realised hosting the competition every year cost a fortune. Drastic money making procedures were put into action which culminated in a song and dance show called Riverdance. This is where lots of Irish People bang their feet in unison off the floor. This seems to amuse foreigners especially Asians, which is of concern to the world at large since the impact of a billion chinese men and women stomping at the same time has been calculated by NASA scientists to take the Earth out of its orbit and in a collision course with the star Aldebaran.

Recently more Irish musicians have done their bit for world domination. Two groups called Boyzone and Westlife have ensured that the next generation of young girls will grow up to be fine Irish loving people. Recently an Irish Actor, Colin "Fecking" Farrell, copulated with the Heiress to the throne of America, Princess Britney of Spears. He realised soon after that the union would never work and sent her a goodbye present, a T-shirt saying "I shagged Colin Farrell and all I got was this T-shirt".

So what does the future hold for the Irish nation? Well the 60 year world domination plan is in it's final stages. Currently a team of spies posing as the Irish Football teams are making their way to the final of it's competition in Germany. Rumour has it that they're going to meet someone there who knows a lot about world domination.

Till then they remain passive, neutral in all wars and constantly having a good time. Ireland is open 365 days a year from 6am till 2am, the main attraction, its various pubs and clubs are also open for the same hours.

If you've never been why not book a holiday soon and join us............before it's too late.