Ireland
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| Motto: "Tiócfáidh ár lá!" Gaelic for "A puking noise." | |||||
| Anthem: God bless Thierry henry | |||||
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| Capital | On the D in Dublin | ||||
| Largest city | Gerry Flanagan | ||||
| Official languages | Polish, Lithuanian, Romanian, Bulgarian, some Celtic language no one speaks, Leprecon | ||||
| Government | Fascist | ||||
| Taoiseach | Jesus | ||||
| Il Duce | Bono | ||||
| Führer | Father Ted Crilly | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Father Jack Hackett, Hitler and mussolini. | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | 1999 | ||||
| Currency | Ginger hair. | ||||
| Religion | Anti Hitlerism . | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Leprechauns and "Members of the travalling community", more effectionatley known by the locals as "scum of the earth".( We're truely ashamed to be anywhere near them ) | ||||
| Major exports | Guinness, Ginger People, Freckles, Bono, anti Lisbon Treaty talks, four leaved clovers, Fights and St patrick's day. | ||||
| Major imports | Central and eastern Europeans, Sex toys, Beer and Beer, Sunshine. | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Drinking, Fighting, Wife Beating, Drinking, Child Birth,Cow Tipping, Leper Tipping, Rape, Grudge Bearing, Shillelagh Duelling, Child Molestation, bowing down to the mighty english. | ||||
| Opening hours | Awoken-from-a-drunken-stupor-o'clock | ||||
The Jee Man Himself has Shown, in His infinite Wisdom, that He is the Ultimate Purveyor of all things Awesome, Nifty, Spiffy, and generally Interesting. He has personally Reviewed this article and Given His Blessing. The submitter may be Forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.
Ireland (Irish: Drýnkrzlýnnd),is a small island disowned by the mighty English in 1930, not to be confused with Iraq, is the the bog filled, ginger infested, sheep ridden island a little to England and is renowned for Offaly, its rolling drunks, being a former We-rule-and-you-suck type rePUBElic, green hills, paints and scholars, being friendly, no days of rainfall each year, its kick-assness, unexcused sentimentalism, Luck of the Irish, the turf (ah, the turf) and the orangutan subspecies called the Pubbians. Ireland has been president of the Federation of Nations that hate Britain since 1169. Also, Ireland's President and Führer is Bono. The island of Ireland is split into two parts, Northern Badlands and the Republic of Ireland. Northern Badlands is part of the UK and has been since 1955, when a parliamentary campaign led by Chuck Darnell succeeded in establishing Home Rule from the oppressive Irish. This soon foundered, as the Northern Badlands realized that they needed an overlord to sodomize them and give money. After much discussion, and attempted sodomy with a range of different countries, they decided on UK as the most fucked up and lick arse cunts, and have been satisfied ever since. Ireland is the coolest country in the world. God invented beer so the Irish could not take over the world. This is qouted from the book of Theells. Many think this book was written by monks about history and stuff, but it was actully written by Eir Ganaught ( meaning cool guy in Gaelic). Cool Guy wrote the book of Theells and in it explained why the Irish are so cool and why Ireland can smash Russia, America and China in a game of gaelic ping pong any day of the week. It is though the irish are planning to attempt to take over england in the near future, although in a recent interview with Playboy, a senior member of the IRA said 'The English are a mighty race of people, we need them to survive and we love them to bits, now have you got any children?'
[edit] History
[edit] Ancient Times
Once upon a time, long ago, there was a giant, so there was. This giant was called Finn McCool. There were other giants too. One of them was named Cuchulainn, and several were named things like Conan, Brihann and Muirdaugh. Finn McCool was the strongest of the giants, and the leader of most. Cuchulainn was almost as strong and led many of them. Cuchulainn lived in the north of Ireland, while Finn lived in the south.
Finn McCool liked nothing better than fighting and kissing, but something he liked almost as much was arranging giant rocks. His favorite arrangement of rocks became his capital of Tara. He is also suspected to have traveled to Britain and made such sculptures as Stonehenge and "Hadrian's" Wall. He also liked getting in all sorts of wild adventures and making the bards sing stories about him. Cuchulainn in the north forced his bards to make competing stories. The bards were eventually instructed to compose insults also, which led to the limerick form. The earliest limericks were composed by northerners and were about the many whores and catamites infesting the city of Dublin.
Giants live a long time and the Celts who also lived there got tired of Finn's and Cuchulainn's rivalry. In 242 A.D., the clever King Cormack Mac Airt devised a "battle of the bards" which, as he expected, soon drew the armies of both Finn and Cuchulainn in full force. After the battle finished and many giants were slain, Cormack moved in with a massive Celtic force and shot and buried the remaining giants.
The stories of Finn McCool still remained, along with the religion of the Druids, which is centered around the belief that trees are important and human sacrifice is ok sometimes. But within only a few centuries, a new upstart would make dead guys more important than trees.
[edit] Patrick and the 1298 Invasion Of China
As a country, Ireland's founding father is generally recognised as being Patrick McGoohan. Patrick McGoohan is of course best known for driving the snakes out of Ireland, a venture which at one point required the hiring of a medium sized bus - although several snakes refused to be driven for reasons of motion sickness and insisted on rail or air travel instead, and thus had to be handed over to Samuel L. Jackson who was head of advertising for Aerlingus. This incurred the wrath of the strong Druid contingent then present in Ireland who much favoured serpent symbology at the time, and so they used their powers to call down a plague of large, white weather balloons upon Patrick to punish him, although this proved largely ineffectual when it was quickly discovered that large, white weather balloons are almost entirely useless as a means of terrorising people. Because of this, Patrick McGoohan was quickly canonised by the The Church in recognition of antagonising alternative religions, and is now remembered to all as St Patrick.
In return for their support against the Druids, the Vatican insisted that Patrick introduce Jesus to Ireland. As usual, this was in the form of alternate symbols, that of a dead guy on a cross. The Druids immediately ridiculed this as the "dead god" campaign. Unfortunately their tradition that human sacrifice is sometimes ok came back to haunt them. The "dead god" was also supposed to have died in a human sacrifice, and this struck a nerve among some, particularly those whose relatives the Druids had occasionally sacrificed. Eventually the Druids preserved their religion by encrypting it into the songs of Finn McCool still sung by the bards (Cuchulainn in the North). They then fled the island.
In a recent 2005 survey it states that 64% of irish people are ginger. These people have mostly been forced into exile on the "uninhabited" Blasket Islands.
[edit] The Famine
The Great(it was really quite mediocre) Irish Famine occurred due to a mass outbreak of leprosy. Since the leper colonies were not big enough to support the massive influx of lepers there were millions of lepers roaming the country freely. At first the lepers did not pose much of a threat and mainly roamed the fields grazing on grass but as the numbers grew they began consuming everything in their path grass, plants, bushes and people. With the country being overrun by lepers, which meant almost certain death for 99.999999999999% of Irelands non infected population and the foundation of the state, many of the leprosy free people of Ireland were forced to leave the country. Not many people can recall the date because the all either died, ate the paper everything was written on, or buggered off, some to Britain but most to America because Britain is inhabited by wankers. Those that stayed waged a guerilla war on the lepers. Much like the popular modern day Irish sport cow tipping the Irish created the sport leper tipping, a popular sport in modern day Ireland. This killed off most of the leper population as its a proven fact that lepers cannot get up after they are tipped over. Those that survived started their own communities (now known as travellers) by inbreeding incessantly. Not many people are aware of the fact that the famine was actually as much caused by the Irish refusing to eat each other, such is now the case when Abrakebabra closes on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday.... Night(s) as to their inability to fend off lepers. When the famine was finally over, every smart person left Ireland, leaving only drunks, crackheads, gypsies, rapists, perverts, vampires, Protestants, gays, necrophiliacs and the odd leper that managed to survive to fend the British off.But the British fought back by claiming northern Ireland, the Irish can kiss my shaven balls!!!!!
[edit] Potato Famine denial
A number of liars, among them historian David Irving, Iranian supremo Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Irish TV current affairs specialist David McWilliams and British TV host Michael Barrymore, deny the Potato Famine ever took place, despite obvious, compelling, undeniable, ineluctable, indisputable, incontrovertible historical evidence, and a rich corpus of contemporary accounts. There have been calls from some quarters, most vociferously from Führer Bono, to have deniers extradited to Ireland to face charges of famine denial under the Denial of Potato Famine (Prohibition) Law, 5746-1886.
[edit] The hobbits in There
When England nicked Northern Ireland from Ireland, B.A. Baradams called for the help of the some ex-army special forces, on the run from the government for a crime they didn't commit (apparently). The IRA-Team (formerly the A-team), which was mainly composed of badgers and leprauchans stoned off their faces on shrooms at the time, bombed the British and Northern Irish, drank the blood of Carrottop, sucked the brains out of live monkeys and pigs, and sodomized their Protestant mail boxes with strongly worded letters. Hitler was very fond of the IRA-team and donated twelve high-speed modems to their cause. The IRA also developed super powers when bombing a toxic waste dump. With super heat vision, they melted Maggie Thatcher's bra straps (ewwwwwwwwww). The British soon got very annoyed and grassed them up to the UN, causing the IRA-team to fear they would get done for selling stolen Betamax video recorders, so they went into hiding for a while. They will re-emerge to fight in the year 2035. The IRA are very particular folks and will only wear green clothing. They refuse to eat vegetables unless the vegetable was less then a year old when harvested. They also will not use Windows XP, claiming in a famous missive that "sure isn't 2000 grand for anything we'd want to be doing?" Their starsign is yogurt. They also consume vast amounts of yogurt; a typical member will get through on average 5 miles of yogurt every day. Their military training consists of yogurt racing (opponents launch yogurt at each other while they are scrambling to get to the same "X" mark, marked in the center of a phone booth). They also killed people which is not very nice at all!
[edit] The economic downfall
Despite contrary belief of the potato being the national currency, oh hell, who am I kidding, of course it is. At one point in history, however, their main currency was poitín, also known to the Irish as moonshine - even though it was outlawed in 1661. There were no potatoes to use for money during the famine, so they resorted to alcohol - (How ironic it was when it was discovered that it was actually with potatoes that poitín was made. As a result of this, Many Irish men and Women died in a great paradoxical explosion! This later became known as the Great Irish Famine). They loved it so much, and needed it equally as much, that they were never able to give it to others. Businesses collapsed, the British had little to steal, and there was a nationwide hangover everywhere across the land. They decided to use the potato, figuring that would make one payment instead of two to the British. This led to whiskey being a primary export, as they could not procure the Guinness producing gland from their bodies to get it out.
[edit] Conflict in Northern Ireland
Conflict in Northern Ireland continues to modern times. While on the surface the conflict is between Catholics and Protestants, it is at root merely the continuation of the battle between Skinny McCool and Cuchulainn long ago. Southern Irish and Northern Irish have always hated each other. Even today, Irish bards in the south sing of Finn McCool, and in the North they sing of Cuchulainn. Since the actual battle between Finn and Cuchulainn ended in the death of them both and was never resolved, it still rages on today.
[edit] 2008 Russian Invasion of Gorey
Around the same time as the Russian invasion of Georgia. An error made by a Russian general after one too many nights of drinking Irish money saw approximately three quarters of the Russian battleforce accidentally put on ships and sent to the coast of Wexford. Close to the end of their operation the Russian force moved into the medium sized Irish town of Gorey. Mistakenly believing it to be the Georgian town of Gori. Although they have officially moved out of the town and gone back to Russia, there have been reports that a group of soldiers still remains in the town masturbating into peoples soup.
“Well I were gone doon at the aul pub, like normal but there were something not right about the place. So I turned aroond. And what do I see, only them feckin Russian boys again. I taught dey were gone like.”
~ PaddyJoe McGegereghty local tree farmer on The Russians
It is unknown when the Russian soldiers will leave the once peaceful town, as no official statement has been made by Russian authorities. Tribunals minister Ahern however has stated that the government is planning an inquest into the Russian actions. Judge Alan Mahon has also stated an interest in the possible tribunal.
“I'll bring those foreign bastards to justice. NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.”
~ Judge Alan Mahon on a possible tribunal.
[edit] The Future
So what does the future hold for the Irish nation? Well, the 60-year world-domination plan is in its final stages. Currently a team of spies posing as the Irish football team are making their way to the final of its goat-cloning ritual in Germany. Rumour has it that they're going to meet someone there who knows a lot about world domination (thought to be Pinky and the Brain or Satan).
Till then they remain passive, neutral in all sports, and constantly having a good time. Lucky Charms Land is open 365 days a year from 6am till 2am. The main attraction, its various pubs and clubs, are also open for the same hours. If you've never been there, why not book a holiday soon and get abuse thrown at you by skangers... before it's too late. The Irish Prime President person was recently beaten in a drinking contest. The future looks bleak for Ireland if their national sport is now become a national disgrace. However, Robert Mugabe now has a success under his belt and against the West, so is ok............. for now...
[edit] Ireland's Leader
Seamus Mac Pube is the current supreme overlord of Ireland (Cool-Land) and an all round tough cookie-monster/ ginger wrestling legend. Mac Pube was born in an ancient civilisation known as Lough Phat Willy in 58BC (with a tattoo that said YER MA on his left arse cheek). He is the only child from St. Patrick's first marriage to Catwoman. St. Patrick had another baby, but this has never been seen. He was a real player. After graduating from DCU with a degree in Danielology and a masters degree in awesomeness, Mac Pube decided to Head up North an single handedly kill everyone either English (gay) or protestant (also gay). Unfortunately while traveling and killing he fathered 14 babies with 15 smokin hot irish babes, so he had to leg it. Seamus Mac Pube returned to Ireland in 1916 to help his father, St. Patrick, rid Ireland of Protestants in the Great Potato Uprising of 1916.
[edit] Ireland's Taoiseach
Brian Cowen (or 'fat mess' as he is more commonly known) is the current taoiseach of Ireland. Taoiseach translates into english as 'Burger King'. Cowen hails from the barren wastes of Offaly (pronounced 'kip') There he was born to a travelling gypsie/bearded woman named 'Nigel', His Father (a 'Big Mac') was never seen again. Brian Cowen can be found at all good food outlets, The Dáil (thats an AA meeting for Liars/politicians), and on occasion being airlifted from his place of work back home. But Please if you see him, do not attempt to approch him, instead call batman immediately and hope for the best.
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmm (drool)”
~ Brian Cowen on Chicken
“AAAAAA BIG HAIRY IRISH BUM!!!!”
~ Daniel Whelan on Brian Cowen
“MULTI CHINNED BASTAAAARRD!!!!”
~ Brian O'Neill voicing concern about Brian Cowen
“Fuck Off Cunts”
~ Someone Irish (cool) on The English
“BOoBadEEBoBideeBOObaLOo”
~ A polish man on jobs in Ireland
[edit] Turf
Turf is a mystical and highly sacred substance found only in magical parts of the land, and only found in Ireland. Even the elders have no idea where turf came from or what it consists of, but it has been worshipped for generations. It captured the hearts of a nation with its dense brown appearance, earthy odour and uncanny burning ability. It is widely believed by locals that turf is living and that burning it releases its soul into the world, upon which Bono gained all of his musical abilities. Non-turf believers are not accepted in society and are publicly beaten with sticks of dried turf. It is, under new legislation, legally acceptable to marry a sod of turf, despite same sex marriages being punishable through death by turfing. It is believed that the inhabitants of Co. Limerick have evolved from turf, and judging on appearances this is highly probable. Turf is often used for medical purposes and a good turfing is often the only cure for leprosy.
[edit] Irish Music and Culture
The Irish are also excellent scientists, car thieves, mobsters, inventors, drinkers, singers, brawlers, rioters, quarrelers, ramblers, bar fighters, street fighters, pub fighters, back alley fighters, church fighters, and, with the development of Ireland's economy into a more white-collar, technology-based one, office fighters. In the '90s they thought they'd take the piss by winning the Eurovision Song Contest 3 decades in a row. This joke soon turned into a nightmare as they realized hosting the competition every year cost a fortune. Drastic money-making procedures were put into action which culminated in a song and dance show called Riverdance where lots of Irish people would bang their feet off the floor in unison. This seemed to amuse foreigners, especially Asians (which is of concern to the world at large since the impact of a billion Chinese men and women stomping at the same time has been calculated by NASA scientists as sufficient to take the Earth out of its orbit).
Guinness and the martial art of pub-fighting have traditionally been Ireland's biggest exports, but, since early 80s, Ireland's main export became U2. After the comparatively poor success of such albums as 'Pop' and 'Zooropa', serious economic recession occurred in Ireland. Speculators on the future of Ireland's economy are frequently worried about the near future if U2's output continues to worsens dramatically as it has since the release of 'Rattle and Hum'. Chieftain of Ireland, Mary McAleese states that: "If U2's sales decrease much more, Ireland's economy will definitely plunge into serious depression within the decade. We can only hope that Bono decides to sellout even more than before, and release more poorly acclaimed but commercially successful material in order to bring enough money into our economy so as to escape this fate."
Recently more Irish musicians have done their bit for world domination. Two groups called Boyzone and Westlife have ensured that the next generation of young girls will grow up to be fine, Irish-loving people. Recently an Irish actor, Colin "Fecking" Farrell, copulated with the Hhiress to the throne of Amerika, Princess Britney Spears. He realised soon afterwards that the union would never work and sent her a goodbye present, a T-shirt saying "I shagged Bob Barker and all I got was this T-shirt". Just as an aside, the leading cause of death in Irish music is hanging by the British. The British hate Irish music, regarding it as little better than American country music with a more familiar accent, and therefore execute anyone they can find playing the stuff.
Irish rock videos generally consist entirely of people dressed in trench coats with their cocks hanging out and singing while walking across lush green fields and hillsides full of shit. The musicians doing the most for Ireland's world domination plans are probably the most famous, one answers only to his code name "Bonor" (a name he picked up at a country fair in 1962 after being caught giving the local gay pride and joy - an Irish wolfhound called Sugarblossom - a little too much attention) and his eternal sidekick Sir Bob Geldof. Their plan to alleviate world debt is merely a ploy to make all the shitty little nations like them and piss off the Bush. Once in with the "shitty nations" they will be used as the front line in the final assault.
Meanwhile Bonor and his crew of musical ninjas U are a fag 2 are currently dismantling all of America's atomic bombs with their cocks and music through a similarly titled album.
The Irish film industry has also gained worldwide popularity, after the Irish Film Board made the law that all films produced in the country had to co-star Colm Meaney and that guy/gal from Telly Bingo Shirley Templebar. Telly Bingo was recently defined as a natural disaster.County Clare is well known for the famous play The Merchant of Ennis.
Ireland is also well known for having the most beautiful women in the world. The foremost beautiful person in Ireland is Rosanna Davidson who rose to prominence after becoming the runner up in Miss Wordy 1878. She was the bookies favourite but after a disastrous spelling round in which she was asked 'Rosanna... please spell Tan' and she hastily replied 'C.H.A...eh...R.T...eh...B.U.S.T.E.R...eh...S' the gig was firmly up. It was a national disaster and Ms Davison was forced to return to her natural hair colour for a year, oh the horror! During this time she was known as Bernard Dunne and mainly lived off her winnings down the Star Bingo. In more recent times she has reinvented herself as the spokesperson for Andrex toilet paper and as a muse for Lucien Freud.
[edit] Creative Ireland
at the latter part of the 20th Century. In order to give these unemployable sods an outlet, a website was created at the arse end of the Internet where they can give each other tips on trapping wild animals, eating out and where's the best place to take a 'girl' on a Saturday night.
The insular community has thrived over the past few years and with the introduction of females in the past few days many a seat has been stained at the thoughts of actually meeting a girl.
The capital of design in Ireland is a small pub on Dame Street, where the faithful flock each night, clad in polo necks, sporting beer bellies and bad breath. They drink Guinness which is a drink made from a combination of crushed brambles, week old coffee, a fish-based fining agent called isinglass and a secret ingredient rumoured to be cow placenta. After many pints of Guinness, the process of design starts. The main tools used are biros and beermats. Irish design is unusual because in the past few years it has been devoid of circles since ashtrays have been removed from the pubs.
Main examples of Irish design can be seen in Chinese menus, signs on bathroom doors and the many whiskey labels (with bottles still attached) that lie scattered on the floor of most designer's bedsits.
Creative Ireland is run by a old queen called That guy who dropped out from Boyzone Alastair who came from Scotland due to the lack of Protestants in Ireland after the 1916 uprising when some boys looking for a fight took over a post office and a biscuit factory and told the heathen British and their Protestant lackies to "feck off back to your own king and country. Yeh miserable shower of bowsies".
After a law passed by King Garrett Fitztrousers in 1987 protestants were allowed back in to the Frisbee State and promptly found their way into design due to their fondness for Bible thumping and books in general. Alastair is a good queen and is known to friends as "Ali." He married Bono and runs a charity with Abi Titmus that helps children that suffer from radiation sickness in Sligo.
The future of Irish Design and typography looks great since they murdered all the dyslexics with the legs of blind people who were later left to bleed to death.
A spate of civil war amongst designers has passed recently and the winning side outlawed the colours red and white. This pissed off the people of Cork no end till they got fed up complaining about that and turned the attention to something even more important their fight for independence against their oppressors the Morlocks. We hope one day they will leave the caves and join the rest of this great island nation, but won't hold our breath until they learn to use rudimentary tools and learn to speak in a register which is discernible to anything other than dolphins and themselves. No good designer has ever come from Cork, except Woof who was burned as a heretic, due to his natural flair and opposable thumbs.
The Museum of Irish is based in The Old Shieling Hotel, Raheny where they show examples of great design when there's no wedding on or they're just in the humour of a "good ould laugh"
Irish Design can be seen all over the world on the back of Aer Lingus aircraft and in their in-flight magazine Lusty Whoooores which is free with a badly cooked meal.
[edit] Signposting
In most countries, road signs are a load of KEVIN QUINN'S ARSE but in this case theyre used to help motorists get from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Signposting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round) of space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point in the universe, or at least not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for neighboring road-signs. The good news is language. The south is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road signs. This allows you to get lost in both Irish and English. Bilingual signs were meant to let drivers know whether or not they were on the right road, whereas in the north this practise has been surpassed by flags and curb stones, which give navagators a hint if they're in the right area or not. It should be noted that asking locals for directions will result in them describing how to get there via the local pubs and not the streets they are on. So a good knowledge of the locations of every pub in Ireland is essential before visiting. A random test is conducted at arrivals in all ports and airports. All roads lead to St. Stephen's Green in a huge one way system.
[edit] Woolly Jumpers
Ireland produces vast quantities of woolen knitwear, knitted by ,mark deary, a green party politician/ boogey man, who runs the largest drug smuggling operation out of his pub located in dundalk, and, under a US/Irish trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without a minimum of two sweaters, of which at least three must be predominantly green. Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before you are allowed to disembark. Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a woolen jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Americans to identify them to muggers, thieves and knackers. The earliest known woolen jumper was first worn by St. Patrick and soon became the custom of people who were self-flagellating themselves in return for a nice Easter egg and not the cheap ones in O'Carroll's. It is on display in the janitors broom closet in the gay and lesbian emporium that is Trinity College. if you are not familiar with trinity college, or anyone who attends college there, its o.k. because they will just come up to you and tell you they go there.it should be noted that if mark deary sees you and you are not wearing a wooly jumper, he will hidnap you and make you listen to jinx lennon cds and force feed you bacon fries. he will probably take your cans off you aswell.
[edit] Education
“If you have children, feed them first, educate them second and if you have any money left, clothe them. Or whatever.”
~ Oscar Wilde on education
"Abuse free since 1998" - Official Motto of the Christian Brothers. Changed from the previous motto "Abuse free since 1996"
Primary school is for good looking children between the ages of 4 and 12 and is a welcome respite to the ordinary Irish parent who can't wait to get the little snots out the door so they can go back to TV3's popular programme Good Morning Ireland, having sex, and using them as an excuse to be late for work. After the obligatory blast of Christianity in the furnace of a good dogma structured Catholic school, the now "big fish in a small pond" move onto the lakes of secondary school.
[edit] Secondary School Education
Because of the abundant variety of secondary school education alternatives available in the post-Celtic-tiger Ireland we do not have sufficient time to digress into all sub-divisions, however secondary school can be subdivided, in a very general sense into "Teks", which stands for Technical Colleges and is generally for all the thick fuckers less academically-gifted. Thick fuckers the less academically-gifted are more commonly known as "Window Lickers" due to their fondness of staring aimlessly from the windows of public transport systems with their tongue hanging out.
Secondly, they have "sems" or seminaries which are all-boys schools (see priests and boys) and are run as internment camps to encourage homosexual behaviour, however a pass grade can still be attained for achieving the status of bisexual. Hopefully facilitating an inclination towards the priesthood (or the "calling" as it is known). Although once run by numerous members of the clergy, their rather radical approaches led many a boy astray into other notorious wanker professions such as the Garda Siochana, Accountancy and Politics.
To conclude the secondary education, Ireland, truly ahead of its time in developing equality of boys and girls when it came to exploitation, established the "Pres" or "Presentation" to mould young ladies into twisted, knarled sexually repressed young women ignorant of the workings of the human (or any other) body and therefore ripe for impregnation (although these are just the ones that hail from Finglas). Most of these establishments are run by nuns with constitutions that would have made a superhero jealous. These lucky students studied such seminal subjects such as Home Economics and Art and with due diligence rolled up their skirts every lunchtime when "going up town" to "go down". As such they were regarded as "easy" by the male populace of the school system. All "Presentations" were eventually renamed "Pregnantations" due the high rate of teenage pregnancies.
However the shutting down of the workhouses and such blatant negative publicity such as films like the Magdalene Sisters as well as the fact they cannot advertise the carnal nature of the father, sister religiously undertoned incestuous relationship has seen a decline in applications on an annual basis. To combat such they have recently started an online campaign backed by "Der Fuhrer," as they affectingly know Pope Benedict, to allay any fears any naive young lady may have before their incarceration into a Holy Order.
In modern Ireland schools have changed quite a bit. Females are now allowed to eat, however permitted foods are limited to cock and pudding. In boys' schools priests are no longer in charge, but it is now the young boys abused by the priests who have control...and in a sick act of revenge have ordered the constant buggery of any young boy in a 10 mile radius.
Those students which do not successfully complete secondary school are catalogued, inventoried, and systematically sold off to the pikeys as cheap labour. This practice is a widely accepted tradition in Ireland, and the students' parents accept this as the fate of their children, should their academic performance be lacklustre. Average amount of student body sold to pikeys per year: 53%.
[edit] 3rd Level Education
Once an Irish individual has successfully run the gauntlet of Irish secondary school, if they are not needed on the land and their points are good enough in the Leaving Cert they may apply through the CAO, a small goldmine of an office located on Eglington Street in Galway which is staffed by cheap foreign labour, to go to College. The main universities are located in Galway, Cork, Limerick, Maynooth and of course the capital Dublin. The most popular of these, Trinity College, earned its fame in 1871, when in officially gained the largest concentration of pretentious twats per square meter in the known universe. The other main universities, the University of the City of Dublin (UCD) and Dublin City University (DCU), were once together as the Dublin University (DU). However, due to an incident involving Trinity, some Buck's Fizz and 80's pop-group Buck's Fizz, they split up and DCU moved up north, where it thoroughly enjoys 'being rid of that auld bitch'. University College Cork, located in Cork, is also a university, famed for having an uncyclopedia article. The National University of Ireland at Galway (NUIG) is notoriuous for its mob of violent, sexually devious, hard-drinking, drug-addicted students who caused havoc during RAG Week 2009 forcing it to be cancelled. During the course of this week the students burned down the cathedral, murdered the college president, and over 50'000 people were arrested for other acts of random violence. Ring-leaders were summarily executed shortly afterwards. In conjunction with these are a network of Institutes of Technology known as ITs, for example Sligo Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT), Tipperary Institute of Technology (TIT) and Cavan-Leitrim Institute of Technology (CLIT), "which are every bit as good as the Universities but they couldn't get the points, but they're just as good because we'll be doing more field work, but we couldn't get the points but they're just as good, and anyway we'll have a more practical, hands on approach, so it'll be better for the ol' farm work after,because we couldn't get the points...." which are thrown around the country at random intervals with random courses. These people are also known as "Thick Fuckers" or "Window Lickers". Once the young man or woman has successfully secured a place to stay, this is where the term "student" comes into its own. In Irelrunk, any time day or night is acceptable. Not having any money because it was spent on drink, for anything. Landlords, electricity supply boards and supermarket chains understand this perfectly and tailor their packages accordingly. The following list, although not meant to be exhaustive is also perfectly acceptable once the status "student" has been acquired: Public Urination, Public Drunkenness, Public Regurgitation, Public Nudity, Vandalism, Theft of Roadwork Materials (for example a bus stop in Ballintemple), Acquiring Shopping Trolley Collections, Drinking Buckfast with Breakfast, Drinking Buckfast AS Breakfast, Unwanted Pregnancy, STI's, Sloth, Unemployment, Waiving of Tax Payments (seriously), Waiving of College Fees, unkempt appearance, 10,000 a day calorie diet consisting mainly of supermacs and beer, missing appendages and/ or limbs, intolerant attitude, and all other normally socially frowned upon norms. However such sights must be greeted with the mantra "students...!" and the rolling of the eyes.
[edit] Sports
[edit] Introduction
Many great sports have been invented invented in Ireland such as drinking, hurling, pikey fighting, cow tipping, Molly flogging, and drunken pole vaulting. They are also ousome at wallpaper stripping and at painting delicious and only delicious pie
[edit] Crime
According to Enda Kenny, all crime in Ireland is commited by "some eastern European guy" and his side-kick who is described as "a dirty tinker". Ireland takes no responsibility for these crimes as we did not import these two immigrants.
Almost all of the graffiti in Ireland is spray-painted by one man, Pat. He is paid by the Sinn Fein political party to write 'IRA' or 'Brits Out' on random walls throughout the country. This secret propaganda has proven quite successful in disadvantaged areas throughout the country e.g. Raheen, Limerick City, Tallaght.
All gun crime is commited by one man from Limerick. He is well known by the Gardai, although they cannot catch him as they are usually stuck in the Roma Chippers.
[edit] Drinking
Drinking is the national sport of Ireland. Irish people say they are unique in that they do not need alcohol to enjoy themselves. What they mean by this is they do not need alcohol to enjoy themselves, they need it to survive. As a result of thousands of years of consuming alcoholic drinks they have become physically dependent on it and full blooded Irish people will die in a matter of days in the absence of alcohol. Although the Prohibition of Fun Act, 1972 (which includes the prohibition of alcohol) is still in force today, many feel that even without the law as it stands, no one would go near the drink. It all stems from an incident in 1971 (the likes of which the 1972 Act sought to prevent from ever happening again) when a man in west Cork had a few pints too many (1097, or so the legend goes) and slurred his speech a little when phoning his wife to tell her he'd be home soon. This unprecedented incident rocked the country when it made the national press and caused urgent calls for law reform. Since then, there hasn't been a drop of alcohol consumed for fear of any repeat incidents.
All the unused alcohol is collected in an area south of Dublin, known as the pub.
[edit] Pub Etiquette
The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each participant takes turns to "shout" an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual; you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may appear only too happy to substitute for you. But make no mistake, your failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed. People will mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation will follow you to the grave, where after it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs as well. In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a family nickname such as, "tight-arse", "meangy-hole" and "stingy-balls" (To be said as one word).
[edit] Irish people who aren't Irish
A common phenomenon is the Irish person who isn't Irish but actually British or American. They are mistaken for being a real Irish person, either because they lived in Ireland for a few minutes after they were born, or because some long lost relative they never knew or met once said he was Irish to get into a "session" (piss-up) in New York. This does not make them Irish, but it does mean they are a "Plastic Paddy" and shall be allowed to wear green on Paddy's Day, get very drunk at unusual times of the day - "just for the craic!" - and enter Ireland once every ten or twenty years, claiming to be Irish, only to be robbed and ripped off by friendly Irish B&B owners in the name of hospitality. They're also allowed to join the Irish in any sort of tussle against Englishmen. Their ancestors were Irish folk who engaged in one of Ireland's traditional pastimes, that is, getting the fuck out of Ireland.
Examples:
- Pierce Brosnan - self proclaimed Navan man and British spy.(Tit)
- Daniel Day-Lewis - self proclaimed Wicklow man and famous cripple.
- Peter O'Toole - self proclaimed Connemara man and desert fox. Really is an O'Toole.
- Spike Milligan - self proclaimed Irish man and laugh-inducer.
- Barack O'bama - American with some low-level Government job. Do you know who he is?
- Bosco - a puppet with Larry Gogan's hand up his arse.
- Oliver Cromwell - self proclaimed Irish man and all round nice guy.
- Kathy Ireland - former model and cokewhore.
- Wayne McCloat - West Ham bred.
- Mick McCarthy - self-proclaimed Irish football manager, real-life MI5 spy.
- Dara O'brien - Comedian and House elf
- City of Liverpool - Too many ethnic minorities. Too Little Intelligent People.
- Shabaddy O'Chawla - Self proclaimed 'Oirish Man', thought to originate from the butthole of Asia and responsible for the curry arriving in Ireland.
[edit] Real-life Characters From Irish Jokes
- Murphy, a man from County Kerry, whose life was forever changed when he fell into the company of an Englishman and a Scotsman. He avoided being made into a canoe by cannibals, but then his Eastern European friend Dimitry was castrated after getting raped by Sam, James, Chris, Mrs. McMurchie, & Mrs. Jones-Evans
- The nun who had had her car vandalised, was attacked by vampires, and was eventually run over after being mistaken for a penguin.
- A drunken Irishman whom everyone always seems to rely on to give them directions.
- <insert name here> (who is actually a well-standing joke in most cultures). Naw im not ya cunt!
- Adam Lowe, a hero from Brasilia, and Ireland when the countries used to be joined during WWII. (They became separated when the war between mango and potato men commenced) Adam Lowe is normally depicted doing an irish walk and hopping along to te tune of didilly dee potaters. sometimes you can look out on a cold night and see those legs bobbing up and down.
[edit] Geography
Many people think Ireland is part of the United Kingdom. The Irish believe these people have never read a newspaper or a book, watched television, seen a movie or read a book or read a newspaper or read a movie or a book in their lives. This is because the Irish cannot comprehend how little most people care about Ireland - no doubt this incomprehension is caused by Plastic Paddies.
The NDP has also released plans for a wall to separate the North and South by 2015. This plan has been met with a backlash by smugglers throughout south Armagh and north Louth.
[edit] Climate
People in Ireland enjoy a warm, sunny climate as illustrated by the picture. It almost never rains and most Irish people have forgotten what grey clouds look like. 
[edit] Irish Music
Is generally regarded as the best in the world. Perhaps Ireland's most famous band are the Coronas who are world famous for their smash hit "The San Diego Song (look at me I'm on a J1)". This group of delinquents are famous for their live acts where it isn't unheard of them swallowing full tubes of toothpaste and then regurgitating it on the unsuspecting crowd. They have been described by Rolling Stone magazine as Ireland's biggest export since Micheal Flatley and the IRA's terror campaign in Britain.
Some have submitted that the Coronas are being tapped as national spokespersons for euthanasia, soon to be legalised in Ireland to deal with the national boy-racer/knacker problem. Judging by their live performances, their Cork gigs in particular, one can only conclude that this must be entirely true.
Also, Ballinaclash, Co. Wicklow - Hometown of The Clash. The law won in 1987 and they were exiled to the UK.
The guitar-duels of Lisdonagh, between Colin Kavanagh of Kildare and Liam Shanley of Longford have also passed into legend. The guitar solos which took place during these battles were so loud, wild and intense that several passers-by died from shock and a near-by house collapsed from the shock waves. However, unfortunately, after a very long battle, Colin Kavanagh decided to use an amp to help him win. The arrogant prick could have succeeded as no one has heard the infamous guitar ballads of Liam Shanley in recent months.
[edit] Greatest Inventions
It is true that almost the whole world was invented by the Irish. During the Battle of Tallaght, where the flecks bet the shite out of the scobies, it was discovered that Honda Civics were the best cars to steal and since then, ram-raiding has been a very common past-time for knackers and the people of Tallaght.
Contrary to popular belief, the Internet was not invented by the Americans. It was invented by a bloke called "Patrick Internet" who got drunk and then sold the idea to a man called Gill Bates who then set up a company (Named "Mini Soft", after his genitals). He then claimed the idea for himself and changed the name to "The Net" at which point the Americans released a film called "The Net" which was an effort to try to make women / Americans look intelligent and it was an unfortunate flop.
The wheel was one of the first inventions of the Irish. The original intention was to hold dancing poles in the middle of a platform for the historic women of the time to dance naked around. However, when Twink came along in the year 3,000BC with her hairy legs, they decided to turn the rounded platform on its side and claim it was only to be used as a means of transport.
The number seven (also commonly known as eight in the hills of cork) originated in Ireland. This unpublished find has lead to much cofussion about this number, most notable in America when the number seven was attempted to be used in a film, resulting in "The Lucky Number Slevin". This resulted in the invention of the question mark which was invented in Co Mayo after a man there attempted to ask America why it made this mistake in the use of the number seven.
The Irish also invented the drop kick as it is the best way to knock out a wasted Irish man.
[edit] Discovering Iceland
The Irish are largely to blame for discovering Iceland, that wretched a-hole of the Atlantic. According to the diary of Ingolfur Arnarson, the Norwegian viking who settled in Iceland and later founded Icesave online savings, Irish Monks were already living on the island when the Vikings arrived in 1983. The presence of these monks made the Barbarian settlement in Iceland possible, as the monks provided the Vikings with food while the Vikings waited for their sheep to go through customs. The diary provides keen insight into the lives of Arnarson and his fellow settlers, stating that the Vikings preferred their monks stewed with a side of potatoes and, oddly enough, white wine, not red. Consequently, the Icelandic word for stew is Írakássa, which literally means "Ireland's Finest".
The only remaining descendant of these monks is Icelandic Sensation Björk. Yeah, that's right: The Irish are to blame for Björk!!
[edit] The Travelling Community
The most common export of the Travelling community is, of course, beatings. They tend to breed in halting sites or local parks, and in litters of about 3 every 3 years. After this, the female goes into decline or, as the rest of the world call it, their 16th year. The main defense of this fascinating race is their numbers. The best defense FROM them is to shout that their Mams are slags and run like hell. Due to their quaint custom of smoking from birth, they are unable to run more than 20 feet on any one day.
Should you ever wish to communicate with i.e get mugged by a Traveller, the most common vernacular is 'Staaaary bud?'. To this they will either reply 'Narrah fukin lat' or 'Ai'll fukin bait ye'. This is, of course, assuming you get close enough without already being shanked.
They do, however, have a rich and varied culture. From their most popular sport (stealing dogs) to their culinary skills (eating those dogs), the Travelling community are truly, if not the greatest culture in modern Ireland, at least a shite sight better than the scobies.
[edit] Leprechauns
The Leprechaun is, of course, the only native Irish species of monkey. They have, however, been driven to the brink of extinction, due to the construction work on the Corrib gas line. This is not due to pollution or destruction of habitat, but simply that the workers are wankers and kept hitting them with sticks. It is thought, but not confirmed, that Chris DeBurgh may have been involved. Probably was, the bastard.
The average leprechaun renges from 3 to 4 feet in height, though exceptions have been well documented (see above). They are easily recognised by their green fur and red tufted beard. They have, however, been known to pass for human children if they shave, and have been spotterd attempting to sing 'The Fields of Athenry' at the side of Grafton Street several times.
Leprechauns are known also for their love of gold. In modern Ireland, they express this mostly on the LUAS, by pickpocketing. This compulsion is seen in many animals, such as magpies and government officials, but rarely monkeys, and almost never in those capable of making cereal. They are not to be confused with members of the Travelling community, who only pickpocket until they spot a dog to rob. Berie Ahern, former Taoiseach, is renowned for being the only known leprechaun not interested in gold, but rather kickbacks and houses.
[edit] See also
- Ryanair
- Kilkenny
- Kinvara
- Mike Murphy
- O
- British-Irish relations
- Steve Staunton
- Federation of Nations that hate Britain
- Republic of Ireland
- Ryan Tubridy
- Garda
- Riverdance
- Rebels
- John McCain
- Hurling
- Sex, traditional Irish sport
- Alcohol
- Drunk
- Fighting
- More Booze!
- Who gives A s--t
- Damn Europe!
[edit] External links
- The Evil Gerald, in many ways the precursor to Uncyclopedia
- The Irish Tiger, d'Ireland's National Newpaper
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