Ipswich, Suffolk

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Ipswichtownsymbol
“The switch that turns on and off lights in England”
~ Tamia
“Ipswich! Ipswich! Come on the horse!”
~ Oscar Wilde

Ipswich is the chav capital of Suffolk and the 116th most notable chav mecca in the entire United Kingdom.

Ipswich aspires to be a well-kept secret. Londoners are not even aware of Ipswich's existence, and it is widely dismissed as a myth by Cockneys.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ipswich, Suffolk.

edit History

Common legend states that after Daniel Day-Lewis squatted down over England and shat out Ireland, he then proceeded to wipe his arse on the patch we now call Ipswich. The Walt Disney Corporation sought to buy the entire town of Ipswich for a fantasy theme park called Chavtopia, but when an advance committee met some of the natives, it settled for a site just outside Paris.

The origins of the town date back to the 1500s, when it used to be a giant sewage works. During the recent work at the quay, turds were carbon-dated as far back as 1525. This accounts for the smell usually associated with Ipswich.

The town's name is derived from the medieval name Gippeswic, as buyers of estates felt gypped or switched, and that is long before the Gypsies arrived. The Gypsies moved onto the New World to sell tract housing in places called Zilwaukee and Newark. If one has enough cash, they can still sell you a bridge over the Hudson River.

In 1981, walnuts came alive and attacked the population of Ipswich. Because of the hard shells, it hurt a lot. But the population of Ipswich destroyed the walnuts with nutcrackers. It was just a hard time catching the little buggers.

edit Rivalry with Norwich

There has been a long running feud in East Anglia between Ipswich and Norwich. Ipswich plays the bitch in the relationship, even though Ipswich is marginally nicer, mostly because Ipswich has a more closely linked social network, mostly because everyone in Ipswich is related to everyone else. Beginning at Diss on the A140, the nearer you get to Ipswich the more you feel you are entering the set of the film The Village of the Damned.

The biggest inferiority Ipswich has with Norwich is when it comes time to name someone famous from Suffolk. In Norfolk, they name Stephen Fry or Horatio Nelson. In Ipswich they shout "Nik Kershaw" (actually born in Bristol, but raised in Ipswich, which might explain his lack of musical talent) or "Delia Smith" (who has lived at Combs near Stowmarket for over 30 years but prefers Norfolk and is owner of Norwich City F.C.) The only other famous person from Suffolk died in 1956.

edit Population

The population of Ipswich comprises small, rat-like creatures. They scurry about the decrepit streets at all times of day, squawking at humans and demanding that they "Gim Wallet". These habits have brought the pesky vermin into direct conflict with Ipswich's dwindling human population, suggesting that human beings could soon become extinct in Ipswich unless steps are taken to protect these vulnerable creatures. This has been considered by nuking the fuck out of Impswich a carefull controlled and humane removal of the vermin

In the town, there is a strict hierarchy which must be adhered to at all times. A person's status is normally determined by their fluency in grime, beatingz rating and fakeness of jewelery.

  • Wastemanz - A wasteman is a person who has been marked as a potential threat to the chav society. This person is soon hunted down and taken in for re-education as a chav. This may include various name callings and possible subjection to 'bare beatz'.
  • Wetty - A Wetty is a person of the minimum social status in Ipswich. They usually have no beatz record and wear clothing which is seen as disgusting even in the eyes of the population. Wettys are subject to bare beatz at any given time and the people of Ipswich are encouraged to inform the Police if they sight one.
  • Gai - A 'gai' or sometimes 'gay' is characterized by his/her lack of baby blue coloured clothing, stolen mobile phones and sickening diseases. They usually receive beats but rarely in the form of bare beatz.
  • Gek - A 'gek' is an Ipswich term for a non-conformist. They are closely associated with the hated 'grubby grebo' community. Geks are subject to beatz after dark under unwritten Ipswich law but due to their busy schedule, they often escape unscathed.
  • Blud - A blud is a respected citizen in Ipswich. They wear the correct clothing, listen to music and do their duty to society by assisting with the beating of innocent people. They can often be sighted swarming around more authoritative figures.
  • Mash-hed - A mash-hed is an extremely envied position in the Ipswich society. They are skilled labourers in the field of alcohol and drug abuse and often have the honour of preparing drugs for use by bruvs. They are exempt from any kind of beatz or muggings under the M@Sh eD aCt 2K6.
  • Bruv - A bruv is the highest position someone can attain in Ipswich. They can order the beating of anyone at anytime and have unlimited access to all wallets. To become a bruv, you must be elected by the Ipswich Beatz Council (founded 2k2). Bruvs are always protected by at least three bluds. If you are instructed to do something by someone of this status, it is strongly advised that you follow all orders to avoid being 'smacked up'.

edit Culture

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ipswich, Suffolk.

The largely rodent population of Ipswich lacks cultural influences. However, it speaks a variety of languages. The official language of the town is a local speech known as 'grime', which sounds roughly like a cat coughing up hairballs. To the rodents, however, grime is a sophisticated tongue, requiring extensive training and great dedication to master. Grime is a language suprisingly lackind in words like "education", "soap", "culture" or even any numbers above 50, but is incredibly complex in terms of abuse, discrimination, drugs and swearing.

Those fluent in grime lead the rodent packs. These mighty warriors are chosen through an annual contest, held in a mythical place known only as "Rushmere Eef". On this sacred ground, the largest and most racially unidentifiable rodents face off against one another. They take turns to shout at each other in grime, the winner being decided by the creature that speaks the fastest and makes the least sense. This may in turn lead to the rodents throwing their fists around in an unrecognisable way before knifing each other repeately. Only those ones who have stolen sufficient money to afford body armour will survive this ritual and then go on to rape breed with every female in the area.

After grime, English is the second most common language in Ipswich. This is spoken mainly by the human inhabitants. Ipswich-English is spoken in an accent so incomprehensible, it can actually cause people who aren't used to it to explode. This is why first-time visitors to Ipswich wear earplugs and toxic suits so they don't catch any of the dirty vermin diseases.

Ipswich's population live on council estates, such as Stoke Park, Whitehouse, Whitton, Chantry, Kesgrave, Gainsborough and Nacton which take up all but a tiny portion in the North West of the town or out in the shit-infested countryside where the lower middle classes hide from smelly poor folk.

New Conservative plans show that they intend to clean up the country, and their bright idea was to test the Nuclear Trident mission at Ipswich within the next few years, Cameron was quoted saying "We want to clean up the country. And what better way then taking down the biggest shithole here?" An NHS spokesperson has said that "this will save us a lot of money, because it means it will cut down all the disease treatment by around 90%. It also means that we can invest in new treatments to try and help find the cure to the six-finger syndrome, and hire psychiatrists to help the survivors of the nuclear testing and to eventually lose their attraction to relatives. After that, we can put them back into society and they can be cured from the Suffolk Curse.

edit Claim to fame

Aside from being one of the major chav capitals of the UK, Ipswich also has other more redeeming qualities to it:

It is often observed that the Orwell Bridge is an unusually picturesque feature of the town, especially when viewed at dawn or dusk from the railway line. The graffiti over it is so incredibly unreconisable that instead of swears, random peoples shitty names, penises and naked womenually looks relaxing, refreshing and exiting all at the same time. No-one has ever told the locals this for two reasons. Firstly, nobody else can speak the fucking language and secondly, if they knew their ciry was slightly non-shitty, they would rectify it immediatley.

However, its beauty may derive in no small part from the fact that as one views it from the train, one is most likely either leaving the great shit-hole for London, or passing through on the way from London-Norwich, with a brief call at Ipswich station (during which passengers are advised not to make eye contact unless absolutely necessary) being the only blight on an otherwise pleasant journey. Use of the bridge itself is also a refreshing way for motorists to avoid having to enter Ipswich itself; at least, one is able to keep moving and it is not therefore necessary to lock to the doors of one's vehicle, as it otherwise would be.

Ipswich is also home to many renowned and reputable stars, one of these being the infamous 'Brikz' or 'Brikz2Ksik'. Any star-spotters are usually welcomed, although normally there is the small charge of a wallet and/or mobile phone. Favourite spotting locations include the chav-and-rat-infested alleyway adjacent to McDonald's in the town centre, or at more festive periods of the year they can be sighted at the local parks participating in the age-old tradition of the B@R3 mAShUP.

The 1980s pop icon Nik Kershaw was also reported to be from Ipswich but there is no evidence to support this claim - researchers have asked him, only to be told no; but then who'd admit to be from Ipswich? Plus any artist writing lyrics like "I wont let the son go down on me" must obviously be of interest to the local police.

Many Ipswich people tend to belittle and piss take out of their well spoken, and vastly superior Norfolk neighbours, mostly due to the local rivalry between the Norwich City Football/Budgie Club/Aviary (NCF/BC/A) and the Ipswich Town Farmer's Co-op (ITFC).

Ipswich Town Farmer's Co-op is also the only Club to be owned by an arms dealer, so much that said arms dealer has been quoted as saying that he is considering using the stadium as a target range for arms clients, with the plan of making local chavs run around the pitch as human targets. However, there is also talks that the same amount of money could be made by placing a giant magnet over Ipswich and harvesting all the knives which would be connected.

Many locals compete in the Rub of the Chicken. This involves rubbing a chicken on their privates in time with each other. In any other culture this would be weird but not so in Ipswich.

edit See also

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