Ipswich, Queensland

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Ipswich (Australia).

“You Pommy twats can have this page back when you win the ashes back. Antipodeans have bigger willies.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Whoever deleted this brilliant article last time and tried to make it about the damp pomgolian city of the same name.

“If she can count, she can mount!”
~ Local Ipswich Resident on Legal Age for Sex

Australia's Capital Bogan City and centre of a crater, famed for its beautiful architecture, world famous artists and its well cultured citizens, Ipswich is surely the holiest city in Australia. Nevertheless, it has been recently dubbed the Safest City In Queensland. No, seriously.

edit History

Ipshite - the area now known as Ipswich - was first settled in 1066 by William the Conqueror's first cousin, Jason Donovan. Recently discovered diary entries reveal Donovan's first thoughts of the area as "a land of milk and honey with plenty a stream to catch the catfish and plenty a field to shoot the roo. Surely amidst these peaceful vales shall I raise the most perfect village of Ipshite".

Donovan himself hand picked the first settlers and set very high standards of education and decorum. Only the finest minds were allowed into the new colony and within only a few short years it became widely acknowledged as the centre of the renaissance.

During the 17th century the city began to boom with immigrants from all accross the world coming to enjoy its bountiful gardens and beautiful women. The large amount of people in such a packed environment led to the city slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the ground. By 1842, Ipswich (a name which means "city on a pretty sweet hill") had now sunken so far that all trees began to die due to lack of sunlight. Because Ipswich was such a beautiful city before "the fall" the houses in the city were so expensive and rapidly rose in price that many people where homeless with only 2% living in a house. The continuous sinking had led to a lack of indoor plumbing and resident began to find uses for their fecal matter. One popular use was a substitute for make up, this led to the kind of women Ipswich is famous for today. The city has not changed much since the 1850's, but in 1947 Charles Winfield (owner of Winfield cigarettes) purchased all the stores in Ipswich and began to sell "Winnie Blues" as a substitute for Macdonalds. This led to the entire population of Ipswich being addicted to Winnie Blues.

Rumours It has been rumoured that the actual history of the town dates back to only 1832 and was the result of an incestuous-beastiality relationship between a crack addict, a toothless bum and a nieghbour's dog. This has rumour has not been confirmed to be true, but many residents enjoy the story...so they often perpetuate the myth.

introducing the doggy -- Corket and the doggy-dom, the corket is a specially designed 'fart stopper'. The basic configuration of this item is a connection that is stuck to the dogs backside and an ultra filtering device that clips into the connection pipe. There are several different filters such as a scented range, you can choose from Joop, Davidoff, CK and many more aromas. The Corket turns foul smelling wind into a beautiful scent that stays for hours. HOW IT WORKS = The fart from the dog pushes through the pipe and then into and out of the filter, the pressure of wind from the dog and the warmth is what triggers the lovely filtered smell! Go to your local pet store and purchase one of these!! Also inquire about the doggy-dom. Its the ultimate doggy weapon.

==Population There are over two million people living in Ipswich, most of whom reside in the gigantic airbase that currently is the sole reason for the cities existence, many high-rises and modern apartments which dot the city's skyline, or have a second house in Brisbane and live there. Ipswichians are a diverse group with a strong Latin quarter as well as a warmly welcomed Asian community. *Ignores racist chanting from outside* The festival season, which stretches from Spring to Autumn, is the time when each of the different communities celebrate their diversity. When visiting Ipswich you should always wear a safety helmet and bring a torch, because the descent is so deep and dangerous. Also bring protection as Ipswichians will mount anything they see, it is of utmost importance you bring a bag or make sure your hole is off limits to those disco-sticks wishing to enter.

Most of the residents of Ipswich attend or work at the airbase, or one of the five great universities of Ipswich. Four of these universities were voted in the top ten educational institutes in the world last year. Graduates of these universities are among the most highly paid employees in the known world. PS: People in Ipswich breed like rabbits on Viagra, thankfully a serial killer is reversing the situation.

There are 3 types of people who live in Ipswich: bogans, Air force personnel, and university students

Bogans

Bogans are the earliest known residents of Ipswich, their ancestors arrived here with promises of the most beautiful and intelligent people they had ever seen. After six generations of inbreeding, the bogans began to devolve into Homo Boganus (which translates to "man with beer and mullet"). The Bogans can be seen hanging around the Ipswich city square eating at Macdonalds smoking Winnie Blues and drinking vb. They are easily spooked by the presence of homosexuals and ethnic minorities and are often found in packs which migrate via the bus's and trains that litter the city. Bogans are also very superstitious, they will often cover their beers with their hands when not drinking it to prevent bad spirits from making their beer go flat or worse non-alcoholic.

Air force personnel

Usually there because they pissed of the Air Chief Marshal and unless they are a pilot and have to live with 10 minutes of the base all live in Brisvegas. The pilots fly at all hours to prevent being in Ipswich as much as possible and leave the city at supersonic speed.

Uni students

The university students that litter Ipswich belong to the "school is boring" club. These people did poorly at school and instead of going to QUT or Griffith they wished to go to a real university. Since UQ at St. Lucia is harder to get into then a nun's bed, they had to settle for Ipswich. Most of the students here smoke weed 24/7 to avoid dealing with the fact that they go to Ipswich. Most of the students here pass and do better then their brothers at St. Lucia because all the girls in the town are moles (and are therefore not distractions) and there is nothing but a library at the campus. This allows them to focus their ragging libido and contempt for society into a white hot ball of nerdy power that helps them pass every subject. Once lectures are over students leave for home in what is called by many naturalists "the great exodus". All the students flee for their cars after their lecture, they role up their windows and crank up their stereo and flee Ipswich in order to escape the toxic air (this air consists of one part Winfield Blues 25s and two parts radiation one part jet fuel) which floats over the city

edit Industries

The wealthiest people in town are Publicans. With nine pubs and a sleazy nightclub all located on the same street, many wonder how these establishments can all co-exist within stones throw of each other. Thanks to a booming unemployment rate & an average age of 74, the citizens really support their local industry, making it very difficult to find an available pokie machine or bar stool on any given Thursday! Its hospital is the best in the nation in every category except proctology. It is also the place where Mr Kipling famously put five tarts in a box in December 2006, and Bernard Matthews was suspected of slaughtering yet more birds.

edit Sport

Residents of the 'Switch' pass time by playing the pokies, hotel glass fights, and watching television.

edit Music

Ipswich is the home of the oboe. Classical music has a great audience in Ipswich and most weekends are filled with concerts or recitals in the Civic Centre. Ipswich has eighteen radio stations dedicated to Vivaldi alone although this number is set to climb after the town recently won the right to have the composer's remains re-interred in the local cemetery.

edit Philosophy

Nietzsche once wrote "Ipswich has no god but that which loves knowledge". The phrase has since forever associated the city with the great thinkers. A custom peculiar only to Ipswich sees every citizen spending Friday night in deep conversation with his neighbour debating the topics of the week. The winners of this first debate then proceed to debate against other winners in their local streets until a suburb winner is decided. The suburban winners then battle it out on the Sunday afternoon, usually in front of a packed auditorium for the right to be named "Mass Debater of the Week".

The winner of this title has complete diplomatic immunity for the entire week or until he is next defeated in debate. Most citizens use their immunity to public fight criticise governing bodies like the UN or the Federal Government.

edit People

The people of Ipswich are the most ugly in the world. Rotten teeth and gums and glowing radiant complexions are the norm. They enjoy a beer & drugs which means that ther are cases of obesity. Most women dont establish a career for themselves,breed like rabbits & punch on in the streets of Ipswich. Ipswich is a home to many happy bogans fulfilling life in a drug altered state.

The above statement has time and time again been proved correct. Upon visiting Ipswich, which is really NOT recommended, you will see that most men & women are awesome examples of welfare dependency. ha ha ha ha. Anyway, all the women in Ipswich are the most awesome in the goddamn world whilst the guys need to go to Venus to get a bigger penis. And the fact that kinesha is so damn good looking

edit Dining

Viva Italia is the one of the many posh restaurants in Ipswich. On rare occasions, Ipswich residents will feel lazy (very rare cases) and dine in at one of the few down grade restaurants. Although this is such a rare event that researchers have only documented this twice in 100 years.

edit Myth

The English town of Ipswich is much better than the Australian one.

This has been proven incorrect

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