Ipswich
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“Ipswich? Where the fuck is Ipswich?!”
~ Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers on Ipswich
Ipswich (also known as "a scum hole") is a designated chav hole coded #116 of the United Kingdom. Similar to the United States' Project Joysee this is undeniably a shit hole awaiting destruction.
Ipswich is also known as one of the major TOWNS of Mediocre Britain. This article is for the Ipswich of Great Britain (as the name suggests we are indeed greater than you).
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[edit] History
Little is know about the history of Ipswich. Common legend dictates that after Daniel Day-Lewis squatted down over England and shat out Ireland he then proceeded to wipe his arse on the patch we now call Ipswich. It is said that Chuck Norris wanted to own the land on which ipswich now stands to build Chucktopia, but due to the sudden influx of inbred, scummy and dieseased people, he decided to take North america instead.
The origins of the town date back to the 1500's when it used to be a giant sewage works. During the recent work at the quay turds were dated as far back as 1525. This accounts for the smell which is usually associated with Ipswich. The town's name is thought to be derived from the Anglo-Saxon word shytehole or shit pit.
It has the worst ever rated footy team in the world, which by the way gives bare beatz to fans.
[edit] Population
The population of Ipswich is made up mostly of small, rat-like creatures. They can be seen scurrying about the decrepit streets at all times of day, squawking at humans beings and demanding that they "Gim Wallet". Of course, these habits have brought the pesky vermin into direct conflict with the dwindling human population of the town. This has lead some experts to believe that human beings could soon become extinct in Ipswich, unless steps are taken to protect these vulnerable creatures.
In the town, there is a strict hierarchy which must be adhered to at all times. A person's status is normally determined by their fluency in grime, beatingz rating and fakeness of jewelery.
- Wastemanz - A wasteman is a person who has been marked as a potential threat to the chav society. This person is soon hunted down and taken in for reeducation. This may include various name callings and possible subjection to 'bare beatz'.
- Wetty - A Wetty is a person of the minimum social status in Ipswich. They usually have no beatz record and wear clothing which is seen as disgusting in the eyes of the population. Wettys are subject to bare beatz at any given time and the people of Ipswich are encouraged to inform the authorities if they sight one.
- Gai - A 'gai' or sometimes 'gay' is characterized by his/her lack of baby blue coloured clothing, stolen mobile phones and sickening MC Name. They usually receive beats but rarely int he form of bare beatz.
- Gek - A 'gek' is an Ipswich term for a non-conformist. They are closely associated with the hated 'grubby grebo' community. Geks are subject to beatz after dark under Ipswich law (Grubee Grebo Act 2k4) but due to their busy schedule, they often escape unscathed.
- Blud - A blud is a respected citizen in Ipswich. They wear the correct clothing, listen to BaRe TuNeAg3 and do their duty to society by assisting with the beating of innocent people. They can often be sighted swarming around more authoritative figures.
- Mash-hed - A mash-hed is an extremely envied position in the Ipswich society. They are skilled labourers in the field of alcohol and drug abuse and often have the honour of preparing drugs for use by bruvs. They are exempt from any kind of beatz or muggings under the M@Sh eD aCt 2K6.
- Bruv - A bruv is the highest position someone can attain in Ipswich. They can order the beating of anyone at anytime and have unlimited access to all wallets. To become a bruv, you must be elected by the Ipswich Beatz Council (founded 2k2). Bruvs are always protected by at least three bluds. If you are instructed to do something by someone of this status, it is strongly advised that you follow all orders to avoid being 'smacked up'.
[edit] Culture
Due to most of its inhabitants being rodents, Ipswich is a town largely void of any kind of cultural influences. However, one interesting thing to point out is the variety of languages spoken. The official language of the town is a local speech known as 'grime'. For those who do not speak it (or 'chat' it, as the natives say), grime sounds roughly like a cat coughing up hairballs while suffering from a nasty chest infection. To the rodents, however, grime is a sophisticated tongue, requiring extensive training and great dedication to master. It is believed that those most fluent in grime hold the right to lead the rodent packs. These mighty warriors are chosen through an annual contest, held in a mythical place known only as "Rushmere Eef". On this sacred ground, the largest and most racially unidentifiable rodents will face off against one another. They will take it in turns to shout at each other in grime, the winner being decided by the creature that speaks the fastest and makes the least sense.
After grime, English is the second most common language in Ipswich. This is spoken mainly by the human inhabitants. Ipswich-English (or 'shittus-Anglo') is widely regarded as the form most difficult to understand (Possible competitors include Glaswegian-English and Dre-English). The language is spoken in an accent so incomprehensible, it can actually cause people who aren't used to it to explode. This is why first time visitors to Ipswich are encouraged to wear earplugs.
An estimated 120 percent of Ipswich's population lives on council estates, some of which include: Stoke Park, Whitehouse, Whitton, Chantry, Kesgrave, Gainsborough and Nacton which take up all but a tiny portion in the North West of the town or out in the shit-infested countryside where the lower middle classes hide from smelly poor folk.
Everyone in Ipswich smokes. Something. Everyone. Always.
[edit] Claim to Fame
Aside from being one of the major chav capitals of the UK, Ipswich also has other more redeeming qualities to it.
It is often observed that the Orwell Bridge is an unusually picturesque feature of the Town, especially when viewed at dawn or dusk from the railway line. However, its beauty may derive in no small part from the fact that as one views it from the train, one is most likely either leaving the great shit-hole for London, or passing through on the way from London-Norwich, with a brief call at Ipswich station (during which passengers are advised not to make eye contact unless absolutely necessary) being the only blight on an otherwise pleasant journey. Use of the bridge itself is also a refreshing way for motorists to avoid having to enter Ipswich itself; at least, one is able to keep moving and it is not therefore necessary to lock to the doors of one's vehicle, as it otherwise would be.
Ipswich is also home to many renowned and reputable stars, one of these being the infamous 'Brikz' or 'Brikz2Ksik'. Any star-spotters are usually welcomed, although normally there is the small charge of a wallet and/or mobile phone. Favourite spotting locations include the rat-infested alleyway adjacent to McDonald's in the town centre, or at more festive periods of the year they can be sighted at the local parks participating in the age-old tradition of the B@R3 mAShUP.
The 80's pop icon Nik Kershaw was also reportedly to be from Ipswich but no reported signs of him ever visiting have ever been recorded. Plus any artist writing lyrics like "I wont let the son go down on me" must obviously be of interest to the local police.
And Ipswich people tend to belittle and piss take out of their well spoken, and vastly superior norfolk neighbours, mostly due to the local rivalry between the Norwich City Football/budgie club/aviary (NCF/BC/A) and the Ipswich Taaahhhhn Farmers Co-op (ITFC)
Ipswich Taaahhhhn Farmers Co-op is also the only Club to be owned by a Arms-Dealer, so much that said arms dealer has been quoted as saying that he is considering using the stadium as a target range for arms clients, with the plan of making local chavs run around the pitch as human targets
[edit] See Also
