Iphone
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Please don't murder/maim this poor tree until this environmentalist is done hugging it.
“Useful applications on a phone? Pfft, that would make sense! We can't do that! But guess what, we did ”
“this bit is offensive.”
“And if you want useful shit that you don't need? There's an app for that.”
The iPhone is a pseudo-smartphone, aimed at those in the lower end of the intelligence scale who will buy anything because it is allegedly fashionable. The device is the culmination of several years of research and development at Apple, in to how they could further extort money from customers while maintaining an almost Big Brother style control over "their" device.
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edit History
In 2003, Steve Jobs commissioned the Totalitarianism Department of Apple to begin research into how they could monopolize their customers and get away with it, as most people were more concerned with Microsoft's wrongdoings as opposed to Apple's. After six years of developing prototypes, they settled on the original iPhone. In typical Apple fashion they neglected to include key features with it, some of which are still missing to this day. These included 3G, support for any competent mobile carriers, a removable battery, copy and paste, multitasking, open application development, instant food creation and expandable memory. It did, however, have something that most uneducated consumers and Apple Fanbois fall for: shininess. This resulted in a sale of 6,100,000 units for this first generation of rubbish.
2008 was a special year for the iPhone. One of the features it was widely criticized for not having was added: support for 3G networks. Much rejoicing was heard amongst Apple fanbois, everyone else sniggered at the pseudo-smartphone and noted that their Blackberries and other assorted smart phone brethren have had this feature for several years, and could still do more than the iPhone 3G (as it was known) could.
This resulted in flamewars on the internet in which the Apple fanbois proved themselves to have much lower IQ's than originally thought, and the Smartphone owners proved that just because you have a brain doesn't mean you can win a war.
In 2009, Apple decided that it was a perfect time to attempt to extort more money out of their customers and released an update to their device. New features included a higher resolution camera and voice command. The Smartphone owners further pointed out that their phones had had this feature dating back to as early as 2006, but numerous fanbois went and pwned the Smartphone owners in one of the largest flamewar known to mankind.
edit Notable Features
The most notable feature on the iPhone is that it has the ability to make calls. But that's not all; it can also send and receive text messages. Steve Jobs professed to have invented these features which could be cause of the large volume of sales of the phones, as most consumers will believe anything that they are told.
The camera is also famed for being one of the lowest resolution cameras in a phone. Coupled with a lack of a flash, this will guarantee that any night shots will make the most beautiful person look like a large brown mass.
Synchronisation with iTunes has also been touted as one of the greatest features to be provided in a phone. Cumbersome methods of synchronisation and activation have never been so much more convenient.
edit Target Market
The iPhone Target Market was aimed to be the young and the hip. However, not only has this target market been hit quite well, it has also leaked onto other target markets, of which include the French and That Guy. Business owners have also begun decommissioning their BlackBerries and other assorted smartphones so that if they get a call in a meeting, they can appear to be "cool" to their clients. This ultimately fails as in most cases; clients tend to be smarter than they pretend to be.
edit iPhone Diseases
There are two main diseases known to iPhone users: iRetard and iLove.
edit iRetard
Use of the iPhone eventually induces a mental condition in all users called iRetard. This is because, that, owing to the fanciness of the device, the users consider themselves to be above everyone else and therefore treat them as a License to be Stupid. The disease itself, however, exhibits many symptoms, such as causing accidents on moving walkways, using their so-called phone when driving on a busy, multi-laned road and other general violations of common-sense and decency.
Another notable symptom is the obsessive need to waste money on Applications, more commonly known as "Apps" for the iPhone. These "Apps" are usually small programs that provide information that the user could just as easily look up on the internet, but since it goes through the app, the information is therefore deemed a lot better and sexier by the user.
Having such a rare and precious treasure like an iPhone inevitably causes the rich users to be afraid of having it stolen from them. For this reason, most iPhone users will wear jeans with holes in them, and old shirts. Their hair will usually be unkempt, and they will frequent dingy little coffee shops with couches and chairs that all are sagging and falling apart.
Eventually, the mind of the iPhone user will completely melt into nothing. Most users of the iPhone are youth who seem to think that anything with an Apple logo on it is "cool", and therefore own an iPod and a MacBook, when in reality, nobody cares about the Apple brand anymore.
edit iLove
iLove is also another disease, resulting in users to constantly talk about their love of iPhone non-stop. These users will generally rave on about how their phone can send MMS and copy and paste thanks to recent updates, unbeknownst to them that almost every other phone has been doing this for the better part of six years.
edit Treatment
As most iPhone owners cannot seem to live without their devices for very long, taking them away would merely result in said owner going a murderous rampage to get their device back. In all documented cases, the only known cure is summary execution, in which the blight on society is removed from public, taken behind the chemical shed, and shot.
edit See also
| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod Slim - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - iCan't Believe It's Not Butter |
| iDevices: | iMac - iPad - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iSuicide - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot - iCarly |
| iHardware: | iGraters - iSpell Key - MacBook - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - iLinux - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - iTrip - iHack |
| iGaming: | iGrievous |
| iOthers: | Neuroipods - iFraud - iCult |
