Iowa

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Welcome to Iowa!

Iowa ("Idiots Out Wandering Aimlessly" or "I Owe the World an Apology") is a hypothetical state of the United States proposed by New England economists to explain the US's unexplained corn surplus. Due to corn's hallucinogenic effects (see corn huffing), all those that would debate against this fact are actually in a hypnotic, delusional state induced by the collective hallucination of Iowa's corn-fumes. The many attempts made by the US Government to diminish Iowa's massive hallucinating-orgy were in vain, fun, but in vain, for upon the awakening of the Iowans, the suicide rate jumped up 3 people. After exclusive research, the Highly Experienced Iowan Cosmetologists put in charge of collecting such research concluded that the suicides were, in fact, induced by Iowa's citizens realizing that they were members of Nebraska all along. Unfortunately, the 3 suicides reduced Iowa's population to a remaining 7. Many myths and legends exist about this land, most of them involving hogs, saurkraut, casinos, meth Eskimos, and dragons. Recent evidence has come to support these myths as fact, such as the long period of "overflight" during a journey from New York to Los Angeles.

[edit] Politics of Iowa

Iowa is a self-proclaimed socialist state whose corn-based social programs, Gay Marriage (seriously!) and mandatory human sacrifices are world-renowned. Until the Great Corn Revolution, Iowa was ruled by a ghostly democratic government that appeared to favor the soybean minority at the expense of the corn majority. Thankfully, a toothless farmer (whose name is lost in history) had a vision that inspired the masses to rise up in anger. After billions were put in place, Iowan corn was finally free to rule as it saw fit. Since that time, Iowa has come to be ruled through a shadowy cabal of cornstalks whose decisions are interpreted by a "Corntalker."

"Iowa City" (also known as Des Moines), famous for its Strategic Grain and Corn Reserve and the Blind Hawks Football Team, was the former capital until destroyed by a dragon on crystal meth. The state is also currently locked in a brutal war of attrition with its fascist neighbor, Nebraska.

This poster is plastered in every bar to show the state's national pride

Yet another thing that somehow makes Iowa a slightly less pleasant place to live is the state's recurring vermin infestations. Like the 7 year cicada and the 12 year sloth, the 4 year candidate infestation arises on a regular interval to terrorize Iowa and her citizens. In recent years:

• Eleven children were mauled by a pheromone-charged Ross Perot when they attempted his capture in order to obtain a pot of gold he was rumored to possess. recently this grisly spectacle has been repeated numerous times by the wily Kucinich.
• An entire family's winter food supplies were devoured by George H.W. Bush in 1992 and again by George W. Bush in 2000.
• Both of Iowa's Mcdonald's restaurants had to be closed during the entire 1992 election cycle due to the Clinton Outbreak.
• Several hundred Sioux City residents were instantly struck dead when they gazed into the smiling, yet soulless visage of Laura Bush broadcast on a morning news segment. Incidentally, this is why all Iowa television stations broadcast live programming on only the lower half of the screen and fill the top half with uncopyrighted reproductions of the 1947 "Farmer's Almanac".

[edit] Iowa Caucuses

Every four years since 1974, an event is held in Iowa barn houses to help elect the future president of the United States, known as the "Iowa Caucus", (also known as the "Corn Straw", "Soy Straw" as well as the "Cow Straw" by many local Iowans). A "caucus" is a gathering of like-mined individuals who wish to stand at different corners of a barn based on a position held by a presidential candidate, may they be a conservative or a democrat. The over all goal is to give Iowan corn farmers a break from constant snowfall and hoe-downs during the winter season. All of these circumstances help elect a president, thanks to Jimmy Carter. Sometimes there is a tie at the caucus, and the president can't be decided by that party. When this occurs, Iowans have to advert there eyes as God comes down from the heaven so that He may pick that candidate. The first, (and only time as of present) that this has happened was during Ronald Regan's first caucus back in the 80's. Conflicting as this may be to present history facts, God has the final say when presidents are elected. A little known fact is that because of the onslaught of political television commercials that they were subjected to, 69% of the states population committed suicide prior to the 2008 caucus.

[edit] State Name

Iowa's official state name, forever entombed in the Cold-War era fallout shelters beneath the State Capitol, is too long and far, far too mind-numbing (rather like a drive on one of its several interstates) to be placed here. However, its common, Plebian name will suffice for this lesson.

It is (or it should) be common knowledge that the word Iowa is is not pronounced "I-wah," as its "supporters" seem to insist. Indeed, it is pronounced as "Ah-wuoh," or, alternately, as long and convulsed and ultimately pained-sounding as your insignificant human vocal cords can manage, as if something brown had just been forcibly evicted, still-steaming, from your colon. Saying it in this way will help you win friends and influence people... if they're from Iowa.

[edit] State Motto

"Field of Opportunity." Notice that this is singular, because that is what Iowa is just one BIG corn field. The current state motto was chosen by Iowa's citizens, with "Room for Improvement" being a close second.

It is reported that Iowa is currently in talks with the US Congress to change its name to "The Corn Field Formerly known as Iowa" (TCFFKAI, pronounced "Tiff-KAI!" as in the image file format that is able to cut through stale bread).

Note: The former motto was the acronym for Iowa, Idiots Out Walking Around, but it was later changed when determined "Derogatory".

[edit] Statewide Test

The state test is the Iowa Test of Basic Skills, ITBS or Iowa Test of BS for short. The test involves a rigorous, highly supervised and coached circle filling with number 2 pencils. The test includes reading, righting and rithmatick. School children ages 5 to 105 enjoy the state test yearly, or until they score high enough to ensure school funds and teacher salaries for another year.

"This is the smaaart test stayte in the wurld i beliive the we should bee the rulers of the unyiverse." is the motto of the Statewide School System, "I'd just sound sooo wight to the chil'ren." one teacher writes.

Taking this test means nothing. It just gives teacher's an excuse not to teach for a day or two.

Iowa, shown here, is part of the Nuclear Wasteland in the future, much won't be lost

[edit] Diversity of Iowa

Iowa is a very diverse state, covering people of every religion from Mennonite to Presbyterian, every skin tone from alabaster to milky, and from every corner of the world from Britain to Germany. This multicultural paradise employs them in the production of products from white bread, corn and milk, to chalk, whitewash, crystal meth, and anthrax (Ames strain). On the average day in Iowa, you can hear every language from English (slight country accent) to English (slight eastern accent). Hail, Iowa! Walking past workers never felt so satisfying. It is important to note that as one heads down the highway's in Iowa, many diverse plants can be seen. Namely, Corn and Soybeans! But, don't forget to get one of the many pamphlets at all the rest stops along the highways in Iowa that describe how Iowa came to be known as the "Ashy State". Rich in diversity, tourist will never want to wonder why Iowa has a schoolhouse on its state quarter. Eat your heart out The Boondocks!

Currently, Iowa is home to 750 Million People (yes here, pigs are people), all of who will punch you in the F$(KN nose if another corn joke is pulled against them..

...lol corn

[edit] Linguistics

Here's how a basic, friendly conversation should go:

Foreigner (Furriner): Hey, are you from AAAH-wooouh?

The stranger, if he/she is from Iowa, will then give you a look resembling that you would give a chipmunk with rabies: threatened, hurrying to grab the reins of control out of its filthy hands. Do not let this throw you off; it is a greeting casually thrown about in most Iowan circles. This will cement you in their hearts and minds as one of their own.

Iowan (AAAh-wuuuhn): What the hell are you on, Bob's meth? Mexican marijuana?

You might be. You might. Say as much, and continue to exchange witty banter with the Iowan until he/she whips out a cell phone and calls the local deputy; at this point, run away and hide in the corn fields. You don't fancy no rides in the deputy's armored carriage once he rides into town. Suck your thumb. It will help.

So now you've used the state name in its proper pronunciation. Good. How do you feel? Excited? Exhilarated? Ready to use it again? Good for you.

[edit] Major Cities

Corn shown here is the main/only crop the can grow in Iowa

• LAURENS*
• Atkins
• Cedar Rapids
• Cornhusker Rapids (Most of this town is in Nebraska)
• East Rapids
• Grand Rapids
• Iowa Rapids
• Keokuk Rapids
• New Rapids
• North Rapids
• Corn Rapids (woo)
• Bean Rapids
• Goose Lake
• Old Rapids
• Rapids
• Rapidsapolis
• Rapidsmen
• Rapidsville
• cedar falls

Rapids City

• That one place no one cares about
• Dumbshit Rapids
• That other place no one cares about
• Rapids Town
• Counciltucky
• That truck stop on Interstate 80
• Seriously, these aren't all that major
• Sioux City Rapids
• South Rapids
• Toddsville Rapids
• Valley Rapids
• West Rapids
• Fuck Rapids

It is disputed by the Crayola company that Iowa is actually a city, and that all of the other cities in it are actually undiscovered colors in the spectrum.

[edit] Exports

Iowa has a growing number of exports, among them:

• Slipknot
• Corn
  • Feed corn
  • Sweet corn
• Corn seed (conventional)
• Corn seed (genetically engineered)
• Corn-based plastics
• Corn-based fibers
• Corn-based clothes
• Corn-based vodka and other liquor
• Corn-derived ethanol and other biofuels
• Corn-based methamphetamine (all varieties, but especially strawberry-flavored)
• Smart people
• Corn-fed beef
• Votes (for the presidential election)
• Liquid capital mostly to Bentonville, AR (Wal-Mart) and St. Louis, MO (Monsanto, manufacturer of genetically engineered, so-called 'superplants')
• Partially hydrogenated soybean oil
• Pella windows (the ones used in the space shuttle and in the top secret Mars base)
• People, mostly via Interstate 80 or Interstate 35
• Postcards from the World's Largest Truckstop in Walcott
• Methamphetamine
• AIDS
• Semen-covered peanuts
• Booty Sweat

[edit] Tourist Hot Spots

Popular hypothetical tourist destination Nutsawooska, Iowa is often visited by the insane tourists from around the world, as it is a good alternative to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Its log-ride is reportedly one of the top twenty in the nation. Apart from these, many other cities are speculated to exist in Iowa, but very few people live there, and even fewer care about those facts. Iowa is also the native habitat of the Manmer.

A town in Northern Iowa (whose name shall remain anonymous cause no one gives a shit about it anyway) is home to the world famous Sweet Corn Days celebration, which is held every year, with the same exact thing happening as the year before, and the same exact things will happen the following year. Usually the main event is watching local shit bands perform songs that no one has ever heard of, followed by the "OMG LETS SEE HOW MUCH CORN THAT DRUNK DUDE CAN EAT BEFORE WE GET IT ALL BACK!!" celebration. OH! and dont forget to catch the late night movie. Shrek will be shown on the side of an 18 wheeler trailer at midnight. DONT MISS OUT.. ITS JUST CORNY!! *wink wink*

In other words, Sweet Corn Days is awesome.

Another popular tourist attraction is the Road Across the River to Nebraska. Equally popular is the Road Across the River to Illinois, the Road over the Border to Missouri, and it's northern Iowa counterpart, the Road over the Border to Minnesota. Iowans enjoy travel so much, and are very proud of their driving skills. They use those tourist attractions to demonstrate the joy of driving 20 in a 75 zone and the fun of keeping a left turn signal on for 60 miles, much to the edification of their neighbors in Missouri, Nebraska, Illinois and Nebraska.

UnNews: Iowa celebrates Summer with worlds largest pool

[edit] Iowa in Pop Culture

Iowa is the main focus of the stage musical Iowa!, which is best known for its opening song, praising the many wonderful things about Iowa. The lyrics go:

I-i-i-i-i-ow-a where... um... where...

Gee, uh...

Sounds of crickets chirping. Show closes, theatre goes into receivership.

Due to close relations with Norway, Iowa is also mentioned in the national anthem of Norway, where the first verse goes:

Hei alle gutter, Iowa be our dojigger, uh uh uh, we is also real lame.

Iowa is also home to roar growl band Slipknot who are famous for wearing masks and boiler suits.

Iowa is the birth place of the actor who played Superman in Superman returns... it still doesn;t make up for it...

Radar, or whatever the kinda squirrly guy from M*A*S*H was called, he was from Ottumwa, Iowa... Possibly.

Johnny Carson is from Corning Iowa, I swear to got thats a real place

Ashton Kutcher is from Iowa, why do you think he wears those trucker hats?

Did you know...

Iowa once was where Indonesia is today, and because of that, has the rich soil to grow all that corn the US needs?

The Children of the Corn played on the Field of Dreams once.

The Finnish band Children of Bodom are banned from Iowa because they don't like fat people.

[edit] Famous Persons of Iowa

Captain James T. Kirk

Shawn Johnson (Question: Hell, who doesn't like her?) (Answer: Most Iowans.)

[edit] Armageddon

The Supreme Court of Iowa has recently unanimously declared Iowa Unconstitutional. Non-existence of Iowa begins April 24th.

[edit] See Also

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Iowa.

• Antimatter Bacon
• Tom Vilsack
• Unbaptized Newborn Baby Mines
• Corn
• Congressman Steve King

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