“In all my years in business I've learnt that the best cure for being an Incel is pure denial. It's been a tough ride.”
~ Benedict Thompson, CEO Starling Software Solutions on Involuntary Celibacy
File:Benedict Thompson INCEL.jpg

Involuntary celibacy (ugliusgenitaliaintactusitis), also known as "Incel", is a proposed communicable viral disease common among unfortunate-looking individuals and those too pathetic to get laid. It hasn't been officially accepted by the medical community, who would never again be so crass and cruel as to label a sexual identification as a mental illness, at least not since psychology's scientific infancy in the dark ages of the 1970s. However that hasn't stopped entrapanuring self help book gurus and aspiring spanish fly pharmacists to get a piece of the pie from a debilitating disease that sounds pitiable as it is profitable, and makes you seem like you've been diagnosed with a form of suffering actually worthy of a prescription, like depression, instead of just being scared of girls. Despite its status as "unofficial", it is estimated to afflict more than 60 million Americans, according to a national pole conducted by the pick up artist institute, made possible by a grant from the He-man woman haters club. The disease is easily diagnosed by puberty but very difficult to treat with no known cure.

Symptoms are often relating to physical appearance, such as being obese, old, or ugly. Even minor physical flaws, such as having crooked eyes or a third nipple can lead to involuntary celibacy. Particular interests may also be a blatant symptom of involuntary celibacy, which can include, but aren't limited to, being a Star Trek geek, Wikipedia editor, or Electrified mocha chinchilla.

Throughout the 2000's the origins of incel syndrome remained unknown, but it is now known to be is caused by the cooties virus and can be spread through contact with infected individuals.

Treatment Edit

As mentioned above, there is no cure for incel, and sufferers are more than likely stuck with the disease for the rest of their miserable lives. A sad existence indeed, many incel sufferers live in their mom's basement, reclusive from society while excessively masturbating to what they believe to be young women that they are cybering with (which are actually 40-year-old males posing as women). Because of their reclusive lifestyles in the remote concrete jungles of the first world, many sufferers may go untreated until it's too late.

However, if one is diagnosed, several options are available, one experimental treatment is a sort of "astral-projection", where the person pretends to not be themselves. Dr. Lowe, a specialist in incel explained that, "by changing their perspective about themselves (i.e., not being themselves), we find that they increase their chances of being laid dramatically." However, Woody Allen's mockumentary Zelig convinced many physicians that having patients pretend to be someone else can have very bad consequences.

Medications are still in the developmental stages. One promising pill which is currently being designed is expected to morph those with cold shoulders into being all touchy freely. Details are vague and testing of the drug is at a halt as human test subjects are, not surprisingly, scarce.

Incels Anonymous Edit

After the struggles of living with being an Incel, Ben Thompson of Starling Software Solutions decided to launch an app in September 2018. It's simply called 'Incels Anonymous' and gives daily exercises designed to boost confidence. He has clarified that he is fully aware of there being no cure, but maintains instead the app is perfect for raising levels of denial in society's rejects.

The app has regrettably not managed to boost Starling's portfolio to date, but Ben stays optimistic, recently telling the Junior Entrepreneur's Weekly, "There's bound to be plenty more guys just like me. If they hear about it, they're going to LOVE it!".

See alsoEdit