Invisible Pink Unicorns
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Invisible Pink Unicorns are unicorns that have the unfortunate property of being invisible, thus negating the already needless property of being pink. In fact, most persons claiming knowledge of an invisible pink unicorn are probably on drugs and should be given coffee and bedrest immediately. Invisible Pink Unicorns should not be confused with the Invisible Pink Unicorn, may Her Hooves never be shod, the sole deity of the Universe.
Invisible Pink Unicorns was also the name of a hit 1960's pop band, claiming vast amounts of riches until their drummer, Iggy "Pinks" Ramirez was killed in a tragic helicopter/bicycle crash in the Himalayas, several miles off the coast of France.
It is a well known fact that Invisible Pink Unicorns shit rainbows. Sometimes with Skittles inside.
You Are Not An Invisible Pink Unicorn
No matter how hard you try, you are not an Invisible Pink Unicorn. They are extinct, which makes being one impossible. You should not try to impersonate one, as this will bring up urges to become invisible, which could lead to disaster. (See Hollow Man. Or don't. It's not that great.) Also trying to be a unicorn could be interpreted as a massive overload in the gay sections of the brain, and you should be given coffee and bed-rest immediately.
There is nothing wrong with being pink. Only with being a uniocrn.
Tracking the Invisible Pink Unicorn
Huge piles of cream puffs and lollypop lanes may both be signs that an Invisible Pink Unicorn (or IPU, in military terms) may have been in the area. Also, gumdrop fields and clouds of cotton candy goodness. It is advised that whenever these phenomena occur, human beings will immediately fuck, get fucked, or even, fuck. Thus is the stupidity of IPUs, and they should be avoided at all costs. However, if you are stupid enough to want to hunt one down, for leisure, bragging rights, or part of some bizarre fascination with all things pink and invisible, here are steps for tracking down an unsuspecting IPU:
- First, stock up on heat-seeking rocket ammunition, and find a suitable place to fire them from. The only weapon capable of tracking down an IPU's incomprehensible speed are heat-seeking rockets. Other attempts at hitting them with AK-47s or Hammers have resulted in embarrassment, rage, insanity, and several hundred lawsuits.
- Litter the ground with candy and nuts, chocolate and teddy bear dumplings. Anything overly cute and useless with do as well, such as Beany Babies, Furbies, and Ugly Dolls. Make sure to spray FeBreeze over everything as well. IPUs hate lingering odors.
- Take cover in a tree or behind several large Spaniards. Try to be inconspicuous. Hum Beethoven's Fifth. Not too loud!
- Okay, nothing seems to be happening. Wait a little longer.
- By now you'll probably have realized the stupidity of your actions and will undoubtedly be close to giving up. Don't. That's what they'll be expecting.
- Without warning, start firing heat seekers. Most of them will lock on to airplanes, car engines, and people with iPods. Don't be deterred. At least one of your rockets will have hit a Unicorn.
- Since there is no real way of knowing if you've killed one, since IPUs remain invisible even after they are killed, its preferred if you mime out the photographing, skinning, and carrying of your kill, lest you look like a complete idiot looking around for the corpse.
The Author of this Article would like to Acknowledge
- His parents, for raising him wrong
- This cup of coffee
- This joint right here
- His brain, for taking a day off
- The Institute for Hunting and Killing of All Things Pink, Invisible, or Otherwise Difficult to Fathom (The IHKATPIODF)
- The color pink
- And last but not least, PICKLES the Not-so-Invisible Pink Unicorn over there