Internet straight trap
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Internet straight traps, aka "gay tests", are dangerous memes which use society's inherent sexual norms and the sexual proclivity of young adult males to program in a subconscious psychological subroutine which eventually leads to the death of the viewer. Most internet straight traps take the form of the popular "motivational poster" internet meme. Internet Straight traps work memetically and gradually, creating a conditioning program over a period of time. While efficacy varies from victim to victim it is generally believed that four internet straight traps are adequate to destroy the average 18 to 35 year old heterosexual male.
An example of an internet straight trap
edit Method of Conditioning
Internet Straight traps rely on a few basic assumptions about the social habits of young males and repeated positive and negative reinforcement to incubate a behavior pattern.
1. In general, straight men don't want to be identified as gay and will go out of their way to remove any doubt amongst their peers by reflexively avoiding any behavior, fashion choice or cultural trend that fits the straight-determined gay stereotype.
2. Using behavior ingrained since grade school internet straight traps arbitrarily introduce a new stereotype. Every repetition of the meme forces acceptance by causing the victim to identify the internet itself as a peer group and make each repetition seem like part of a greater and more vocal majority to which you must conform. These motivational posters feature a picture of a shapely woman bearing her breasts followed by the further implication that if you read the text or look at some other non-boobie feature of the poster you are gay. At first the idea is dismissible but over time it will cement itself in the viewer's psyche.
3. Naturally a man would only be looking at the boobies for a finite amount of time before moving on to the other elements of the poster, such as the text. At that point the poster meme implies that they're gay, causing both a positive (boobies) and negative (being called gay) reinforcement in the subconscious with can be used to program future behavior.
4. Repeated exposure to these kind of posters subliminally reinforces the idea that looking at anything besides the boobies is gay therefore when faced by these posters repeatedly the straight viewer responds instinctively and looks at the boobies first, paying attention to no other thing around him.
5. Soon the victim's urge to protect his heterosexual identity by avoiding the imposed stereotype and sticking to the newly established hetero-normative behavior trumps their ability to notice anything aside from the huge tits displayed on the screen.
6. The victims so paralyzed with fear of turning gay that they cannot break their gaze upon the boobies. While people with laptops can live with highly limited function desktop owners will waste away into skeletons in their chairs, only moving to refresh the screen saver so they can continue looking at the boobies and avoid gayness.
An example of an internet straight trap, demonstrating its increased potency with repetition.
edit Avoiding Death by Internet Straight Trap
There are several options to avoid death by an internet straight trap.
The simplest way is to just stop looking at it and admit you're gay. Just switch the page to craigslist, go to the "men seeking men section" and find another man for buttsex. Have fun living with you gay boyfriend on queer island, fag!
You can also avoid the problem before it starts by not visiting any of the places you would normally find this sort of thing. Such places include meme based websites, message boards, anything ending in chan and parodies of wikipedia that frequently feature sarcastic satire of pop culture trends and social norms.
Since you're probably too late for the second option you can simply use a laptop computer and carry it around with you everywhere never taking your eyes off of the semi-exposed breasts. If you're using a desktop computer carefully turn on your printer and make a printout of the image. Using staples or duck tape attach it to the bill of a baseball cap. Now you are free to go anywhere while remaining straight. As long as you keep looking at the picture you can do all sorts of things such as drive on narrow roads at high speed, cross busy streets or meander around abandoned mining facilities without your heterosexuality ever coming into question.
Another example of an internet straight trap in case you didn't get the idea.
Internet straight traps are just a natural extension of the puckish sense of humor found online. It's almost certainly just the collective input of a loose network of anonymous individuals independently submitting near identical material.
edit That Seems a Little Suspicious
If you're not believing that it was... um... the French. Yeah, blame the French because you know you want to and you suspect they're all gay anyhow. In fact forget what I just said, it's probably the fault of everyone in France. Those bastards, how we hate them so, with their baguettes and striped shirts!