Internet (video game)
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|Developers||Al Gore Games|
|ESRB Rating||Everyone and then some (E++)|
- This article is about the video game. For that other thing, see Internet.
Internet is a MMORPG played on a heavily modified text adventure engine. It is the second game in the Really Big-Ass Networks series. With over 1 billion players, Internet is the most popular MMORPG, easily beating stupid shit like RuneScape.
Through Internet's text description-based technology, players can create any character they want. Many players use this feature to create characters that would be considered absurd by real life standards. The average Internet character has some impressive stats:
- IQ: 241
- Max bench press: 932 pounds
- Death rate: 4 characters per decade
- Penis: horse's
These stats are actually a lot lower than most players have. This is because some players instead create characters intended to represent a person that player hates, such as a mother-in-law or a politician, and give the character low stats and have the character fail miserably in very public settings. For example, there are an estimated 10,000 George W. Bush characters in Internet, each of which has no stats and no achievements, and most of which do nothing but have cybersex with Dick Cheney characters. In early 2003, this method of defamation became widely accepted as a legitimate tactic in logical debates.
- Constitution is a measure of just how much Internet the character can stomach. Constitution determines how many hit points you have, and a player loses one hit point each time he encounters something retarded, making a high Constitution necessary to do fucking anything.
- Strength determines how much power any message, such as a post or e-mail, has on its target. High strength enables players to perform one-post kills.
- Intelligence is defined in the manual as "the ability to convince other players that you don't use AOL". Whenever a player claims that Internet needs to have legendary relics, the game's defenders argue that it already has one because there's only one Intelligence point in the entire game.
- Dexterity (short for "pointdexterity") is a measure of nerdiness. Players gain a billion Dexterity points per hour while playing Internet, even if they're not doing anything. Especially if they're not doing anything.
- Charisma doesn't do anything, in any game, ever.
- Wisdom is the same thing as Intelligence except it has a different name. Once a character achieves 10 points of Wisdom, he learns that spending all day playing a game just to get high virtual stats and more virtual GP is a waste of time and starts achieving goals in the real world. For this reason, the ability to gain Wisdom was taken out of the game very shortly after it was released, and accounts with more than one Wisdom point sell for thousands of dollars. Yes, you read that right - people spend thousands of dollars on pretend wisdom.
- Post Count is the most important stat. All of the other stats only matter if the two characters in combat are tied in Post Count, otherwise the player with the higher Post Count automatically wins.
There are several professions for a character to perform in Internet, all of which accomplish absolutely nothing.
- Blogging: Blogger characters are very wise bards. They can often be heard telling passers-by such mythical legends as what sandwich he ate for lunch or what dumb mistake her boyfriend made. Bloggers' legends are highly respected by NPCs to balance the complete lack of interest they garner from players.
- Chatting: Chatters can use a mystic crystal known as an International Relay Crystal to converse with other players who have the same type of crystal. Most expert players consider chatting to be the most powerful of all professions, because it accomplishes more absolute nothing than all the other skills combined.
- Flaming: Flamers (named so because they are really, really, really gay) can start a fire for other characters. While sorcerers can perform this profession easily with spells such as Ten Million Gigasuns or Hell in an Atom, other characters must manually flame by collecting and insulting logs. Beginning flamers can only call a log's mother a whore, while expert flamers can call a log's mother Hitler.
- Flooding: Flaming became way too easy once the Infinity Degrees (kelvin) spell was released, so to balance the professions, flooding was added to Internet. Flooders can undo the actions of a flamer by covering the fire with oversized capital W's to extinguish it. Initially considered to be the most useless profession, flooding quickly became very popular once it was discovered that you could crush people with the W's.
- Forwarding: One of the rich tyrannical overlords has changed his ways and wants to give his ill-gotten GPs back to the community! Unfortunately the word won't spread because nobody believes him, so to help spread the word, forwarders make ten copies of the overlord's announcement scroll and give them to ten different people. The forwarder recieves 10 GP for each scroll given out. Each person who recieves this scroll is cursed to become a forwarder themselves, and anyone who does not complete the scroll-copying quest gets a permanent -10 to their charisma for the rest of their life, which will be less than 24 hours. Hey, they don't call him a tyrannical overlord for nothing.
- Hacking: Not to be confused with the hacking out guts attack which is considered to be more of a necessity on Internet than a profession, hacking is, essentially, the ability to do anything, anywhere, at any time. Hackers can change any variable in the game to whatever they want. To keep the skills balanced, it takes slightly more experience to level up hacking.
- Spamming: Whenever a sorcerer learns spells such as Harden Material or Level 3 Mortgage, they will of course want everyone to know so they can use these spells to make more GP now. But how can they advertise and use the skills at the same time? They hire a spammer to do it for them of course! (In case you couldn't tell, "it" refers to advertising the skills, not using them.) Spammers are nearly always PKed on the spot by everyone else.
- Sysopping: Hired by the city's lord, sysops track down wanted thieves and assassins and banish them from the city. Although successfully performing this job to the lord's satisfaction pays well (possibly even more than chatting if done above expectations) it is hard to do because there are so many rogues, and each one will say they thought what they were doing was considered "picking up spawning items" or "PKing in a PK zone" which are perfectly legal, and when you banish a rogue he'll just come back and steal or kill even more, and if you banish someone who isn't a rogue then it inevitably turns out to be the lord's best friend and you're in some real deep shit.
- Taking GP from former Nigerian leaders: Many NPCs throughout the realm of Internet are former Nigerian leaders who have come into possesion of a long-lost relic worth many GPs. Unfortunately, the relic has been frozen by the current Nigerian leader, who is an ice sorcerer. In order to get the relic out of the ice so that the former leader can sell it, players must cast a teleport spell or use a teleport item to get the relic to the United States.
- Trolling: The only race-specific profession, trolling can only be done by - you guessed it - orcs. Trolling characters go into busy areas and loudly declare that the local sports team sucks and isn't as good as the one in New York. Everyone in the area will immediately stop what they're doing so they can, for seemingly no reason at all, give the orc free food. This continues until someone figures out that giving away free food isn't a method of punishment, and announces that people in the area should not feed the orc.
- Vandalizing: Vandalism has a wide range of abilities for those who follow it. Vandals are capable of disenchanting magical runes by replacing them with "(Name of spell) is gay." They can travel through walls by writing on the wall "(Name of wall) is gay." which conjures a hole in the wall. In fact, a skilled vandal can destroy any object in the game by declaring it gay.
Prominent areas in Internet include:
- Google is home to a magical engine that can determine where any item, NPC, area, quest point, or anything else is. It even has a built-in teleporter that takes the player directly to that place. Nevertheless, many players don't know it exists and ask players and NPCs stupid questions. Too bad you can't tell them to do a Google search for Google, huh? To make up for that, you can tell newbies to Google search for level 96 dragons, then while they're looking at the results, press the "I'm feeling lucky" button on them.
- eBay is a marketplace where players can sell real world items for real world money. Confused players often buy several new cars thinking it would cost them thousands of GPs when it actually bankrupted them, and it's freaking hilarious every time! Some players wonder why there's a real world shop in a fake world, but it's nonetheless been very successful. In response to eBay's success, Starbucks opened up eight stores in World of Warcraft.
- Slashdot is Internet's most reliable source for news on newly released features. Unfortunately, the oracle that releases the news lives miles below the surface in the Slashdot cavern system, and reaching the oracle requires passing a dungeon and doing combat with dozens of orcs. Low level players' corpses, who starved to death from running out of food, litter the cavern.
There are an infinite number of quests for players to embark on in Internet. Most of them involve Myspace and therefore are a waste of time, but fortunately a list of quests that are worth doing was made. Here is that list:
- Damsel is the most classic quest, in which the player must traverse the evil Castle Hotlesbiansexdotcom and rescue a kidnapped damsel named bigtits08.jpg from the clutches of a sinister Russian photographer.
- Strewing Song requires the player to find a wandering minstrel and memorize his tunes. The player can then play the tune for other players for no cost, and as a result the wandering minstrel goes bankrupt and starves to death.
- The Valid Runes has the player searching the dangerous Inbox Dungeon for a scroll from a business partner, however the dungeon contains thousands of scrolls with pure rubbish. Beating this quest requires a Shield of Spamblocking +1 or greater.
- Unseen Agent tells of the player who sneaks into Sir Galahad's castle and steals all of the scrolls, then takes them back to a rival Heroes' Guild. The player then treks back to the castle and replaces the stolen scrolls with advertisements for that Heroes' Guild. This seems easy enough, except the player is constantly being attacked by the undefeatable lavamancer Adaware while doing it.
- Unfamiliar Claims For The Moment requires a player to refresh every five seconds to see if anything new has happened.
Internet is often criticized for distracting players away from real life. Because of the time it takes to acquire experience, players often spend more time playing Internet than is considered healthy. Organizations that focus on children and families urge parents not to install Internet but rather to have their children go outside to avoid becoming "one of those Internet nerds". Fans of the game defend it with arguments such as "Oh yeah, well I think Internet is great, and I'm a level 58 Goatseer! What are you? Level 0 nothing? Yeah, that's what I thought. Maybe when you find the Lost Amulet of GameFAQs your opinion will have some weight, but until then shut the hell up."
Some political groups claim that Internet should be banned from the Internet. This demand was first made when it was discovered that the Unclad Simulacrum Of The Urchins quest sent players on a mission to find the kiddie porn relic. Al Gore Games officials have stated that they consider the in-game picture depicting the relic as art rather than pornography, because as one developer put it "Pornography is defined as material created with the goal of sexual arousal, and we sure as hell don't get off on pictures of eight year olds getting raped. If you think that's sexually arousing, you're the one that should be arrested, not us." Obviously, the guy who said that is now in jail.