Internet

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Teh Interwebz
People's Republic of the Internet and all Overseas Territories of Web
The Internet(s)
Boxxy-trolling Orly owl
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: ""All your base are belong to us."
Anthem: "Never Going to Give You Up" by Rick Astley
Social-Network-Map3
(Fragment of the official map of the internet from 2014 A.D.)
Capital Facebook, formally Bebo
Largest city Google
Official language(s) English, Leet, Lolcat, Japanese, N00b talk, Engrish, Internet-speak
Government Imperial Liberal National Minority People's Federal Democratic-Republican Socialist Capital Worker's Labor Union Facist Congress Natural Law Party (Right Wing)
President Pedobear
‑ Prime Minister Steve Jobs
‑ Governor General Mark Zuckerberg
‑ Führer Dick Cheney
‑ Parliament Jews, Nigerian scammers
‑ Founder Al Gore
National Hero(es) Chuck Norris, Steve Ballmer, Jimmy Carter, Angry German Kid
Declaration
 of Independence
When Jesus was born
Currency Chips
Religion Pastafarianism, Ceiling Cat, BDSM,
Major exports Porn, spyware, games
Major imports Smart people, porn, 12 year olds
Hours of
 operation
24/7
“The internet gives you a greater access to pleasure that you can get sitting at home with a magazine.”
~ Tim Burners-Lee attempting to convince skeptics that the internet will improve the happiness of the population.

The Internet (archaic Inter-net) also know as the Hinternet, the Tinternet and A Series of Tubes is a communication tool used by the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

It is made of, but not limited to, a series of tubes, telegraph wires, pony expresses, hobo signs, tortoise shells, subliminal messiging monitors, smoke signals, Oscar Wilde quotes and warning beacons of Gondor, not to be confused with a big truck. Based on a Fork of an early prototype build of Las Vegas, it was originally built by Bill Gates[citation needed] to distribute pornography and is owned, operated and monitored by the Illuminati. It is mostly used for access to generally C-grade pornography, theme songs, ultra-porn, and cans of spam. The Internet was at first designed to accumulate the knowledge of mankind, and by learning and sharing the newly synthesized knowledge generating singularity. But it turned out to be much more effective in accumulating and amplifying idiocy, creating a being not known before: the troll. It is a well known fact that the internet is over ninety-nine-and-a-half-percent pornography[1]. These statistics are being backed by such reliable sources as the Navy and Wikipedia.

Internal Structure

The Internet is actually an imaginary net-shaped polyminetic alloy made of four key parts: the crust, the outer mantle, the inner mantle, and the core.

Crust

The crust of the Internet makes up less than 1% of its mass. This area contains useless sites such as Facebook, Yahoo and Myspace, which are inhabited by citizens of real life. The large amount of boredom dioxide in the air here is enough to suffocate the average internet inhabitant mostly thanks to this website and Facebook. The outer rim is sparsely inhabited, and consists mostly of moms, aunts, uncles, old people, seniors, and people on Yahoo reading the daily "LATEST IN" and engaging in email conversations who, contrary to popular belief, actually believe they are "tech savvy".

Recent opinion has shown that Myspace actually belongs more to the inner core part of the Internet due to the lag effect as well as the density and corruption and also the difficulty of reaching information, despite the fact that most popular websites share this effect, and because there are so many sexual predators there. See any person's Myspace page for an example of half naked pictures of themselves, as well as off-date happy birthdays and strange creeper-like comments. This is the only existing reference to the inner Internet as, of course, that is made up of the websites and hardcore Internet nerds concealed by a cover of passing people wondering what all the fuss is about.

Outer and Inner Mantle

Sites such as Uncyclopedia, The 'Beetus, and most forums mostly make up the outer mantle. This area is somewhat rich in memes (though not as much as the core), and the occasional seismic eruption brings porn from deeper layers. "Noobs" and other strange parasites often escape from the deeper layers and leech onto the sites present here, athough a quick banning or flamethrowing sends them back for at least a year. 95% of the Internet's population is from the lower levels, but they want you to think otherwise. Examples: Here and here.

The inner mantle is made entirely of molten pornography, with a few traces of mild blogging. Do not attempt to go there. A real anecdotal quote from a transmission in an Inner Mantle expedition: "OMG THE PORN OMG THE PORN, OH GOD THE PORN, it BURNS, THE PORN AHHHHH!!" were the last words of the pilot of the vessel Cursor. He was never seen again, presumably crushed by low-quality amatuer porn. In other news, Blink 182 is back together.

Core

No one knows...

The scientific opinion on the core is, largely based on recent studies, that it consists mostly of scientific studies from jsto.org and password databanks as well as uncommunicable black hat hacking groups and old pdf facsimiles of newspaper articles about child rape and archived sections of school websites, as well as massive databanks filled with useless information and pdf facsimiles of Daoist texts. However, despite this being the most accepted thoery, there are other ideas, mostly about reanimation conspiracies.

Because the data in the core (which is not to be confused with actual data, as it burns the skin) is so unorganized and most of it is a different language like Klingon and 1337, a technology is being developed, codenamed foreign data salvaging (FDS). It is a new and lucrative field dealing with navigating these harsh seas of broken and corrupted information in order to extract the name of a song you wanted to remember from a Malaysian porn website but are unable to do so because it was such a long time ago. Bill Gates as of now is the only master of Vietnamese hand signals and other languages needed in order to extract all of the amazing and sparse information for one's wants and needs, making him supreme.

In terms of scientific theory, some believe that the core will only be found when someone makes a site so awesome it cannot be contained on the outer layers. As of yet, no such site has been found. More sensibly, it is thought that the core of the Internet is a ball of 4chan, stupidity, shock sites and kittens, contained in a mysterious ball by all the sites with "good intentions" and is not controlled by a single all powerful being but those who are trapped in it forever, driven to perverse insanity by the ever changing world of graphic material and mistreatment of good intentions around them. Although this theory sounds at least mildly Biblical, scientists have come to accept it as a decent explanation.

History

443px-Hogarth Dashwood

In this early incarnation of Internet abuse, Baron le Despencer 15th is depicted as lavishly viewing virtual porn, editing a proto-Wikipedia article and eating proto-fast food in the process. An early incarnation of the Big Brother is seen spying upon Baron's illicit use of the Internet.

Unfortunately, the only reliable source of information concerning the creation of the Internet is the book of DARPA. This is a dated, much-studied "guide" to an older version of the Internet which, needless to say, was just as insane as the current one, therefore erasing some of the queries about its accuracy. DARPA 13:37 reads:

In the beginning, the data was a formless void, and the spirit of Bill Gates floated above it. He said, "Let there be images!". He saw the Porn and that it was bad, and separated it from the Safe For Work. He separated the tubes from the YouTubes and the Froogle from the Google. Gates then reached into the dirt and made new life: The Admin. He took an HTML Tag from the Admin and made the User. He placed them in the Garden of Pointless Information, and set an FBI agent to watch over it. He filled the Garden with many different creatures: javas, jpegs, pngs, shtmls, phps, gifs, bmps and bumps. He looked at His creation, and saw that it was good.

In the centre, he placed the Tree of 4chan and second life. He told the Admin and the User not to click on the links in the fruit from the Tree of 4chan, or face banishment from the Garden of Pointless Information. However, the evil pwn was subtle. He tricked the User into following the link, the evil Goatse, which she showed to the Admin. The All-Mighty Overlord Gates appeared and spoke thusly to them: "Admin, for your sin, you will spend your days compiling programs and installing software, but no matter how hard you work, bugs will still sin, you will have intense frustration while doing trivial dick. And though your desire will be for the same access rights as the Admin, User, he shall rule over your data. As a final punishment, Gates banished the Admin and the User into the unforgiving wasteland of Encyclopedia Dramatica, and set a flaming firewall to guard the garden. From there, the rest of the Internet was poop.

Alternative theories

Scientologists claim that the internet was discovered under a rock deep beneath the ruins of the lost city Titanic, a branch of Atlantis. The alien technology we use to send communications today was discovered only then, when it was discovered in 1593.

David Icke has asserted that the internet was developed secretly by Nostradamus and Leonardo da Vinci in 1516 in an experiment funded by the King of Spain. Da Vinci's sketches of the internet indicate that his version was largely constructed of leather, and used a lot more cogs and pulleys that the modern incarnation. However, it proved effective for reading the movements of the planets, discussing the latest hat fashions, and catching rabbits. Following Da Vinci's death, Nostradamus became increasingly disturbed by the internet's growing pornographic content and attempted to destroy it by burying it in the subconscious mind, where it remained until the modern era. Critics maintain that this is probably nonsense.

Another theory states that long ago, two great spirits Al Gore and Dick Cheney were sent to Earth to watch over the rise of man. However, Dick Cheney deviated from the plan and attempted to kill Al Gore and rule Earth himself. Al Gore fought with Dick Cheney for five thousand years, creating the Grand Canyon in the process. In time, Cheney was defeated and cast into a glacier where he would remain bound in ice for all eternity. After his victory, Al Gore walked along the sands of primordial earth and when the time came, picked up a handful and cast it into the air, creating a series of tubes from which the internet was born. For the time, Al Gore watched the people of earth from his chair near the throne of the Great Bill Clinton. But all would not last, in the twentieth century AD, a new force, George Bush (or W) would arise and attempted to free Cheney by creating Global Warming. Al Gore (now manifested in human form) would fight Global Warming and cool the Earth so that Cheney, (also human), could be locked back into the glacier. The fight continues to this day, it is rumored that Cheney will be defeated when the Great Clinton becomes Lord of the Earth because of his power.

Recently a group of dissident English scientists, living in exile among the British in the United Kingdom, claimed to have uncovered an ancient urn dating back, through pre-history, to 1955. Within This ancient urn was a scroll written on a form of papyrus known as Basildon Bond, which purports to be the confession of Sir Bertram Russell, in which the elderly maths bore claims to have invented the internet in order to "give illiterate people something to do" in the hope that "such an endeavor may prevent them roaming the streets at night and causing an affray". It is fascinating that he describes his invention using the term 'idiotnet' and posits it as a meme-based trap designed to ensnare those of 'less useful' intelligence and pacify them so that they 'don't get into bother'.

Technology

The technology behind the Internet (or the Innernet as Americans call it) is widely misunderstood. Some believe that you have to punch little buttons and things.[2] Others believe it is a big truck. In reality, you just have to click on this thing.[2]

Those who are older than 56 years old believe that the Internet is run by small animals delivering letters down tubes and through wheels. This is based on VintageInternet (commonly referred to as Internet0.1). VintageInternet involved tying notes to pigeons and sending them on their way. Although this belief is widely a misconception, there is a kernel of truth to it in that the tubes upon which the internet relies are maintained by a large number of trained squirrels.

The tubes on which the Internet is built are the true infrastructure of it all. Major Internet engineer Ted Stevens first pioneered the idea of tubes, and his theories have now been widely accepted. The Internet's tubes are housed in a 10-mile high building. In the basement of this building are bricks which are being rearranged by foreigners.[3]

“It's not a truck...it's not something you dump something on...cough...TUBES...the Internet...is...TUBES!!!!
~ Major Internet engineer Ted Stevens on The Internet

Synonyms

Haha Internet

Vintage promotional poster for the Internet.

Ethernet, Interweb, Interdweebs, Intarweb, Interwebs, Intarwebs, Those Intarwebs, Innernet, Interwebtron, Interknet, World Wide Web, World War 3, Webternet, World Inter Wide Webnet, AOL, Computers, A Series of Tubes, and Al Gore's ausfahrt (German, for "exit").

The term "Information Superhighway" used to be used to describe the Internet when it was just a cute baby and had nothing but long, endless pages of text and gray backgrounds to play with in a playpen called "Mosaic." However, because of the infamous Collapse of the Information Superhighway (Also Known As Highway 406) one windy and icy morning in 1996, this term is now viewed as offensive to some. Investigations into the disaster revealed that the people who were supposed to be constructing the highway in 1978 spent most of their time in the foreman's shack looking on the Internet for porn instead of welding the rebar to support the tubes.

Common concerns about the Internet

Tehinternets

Teh Internets, what do you punch little buttons and things?

Contrary to popular perception, everything you read on the Internet is carefully vetted and guaranteed to be absolutely 100% true only around 11% of the time. (with the obvious exception of a small number of designated satirical sites such as Wikipedia).

The Internet is widely believed to be a dangerous place, with thousands of virtual streets lined with casinos, porn shops, 419 scams, and meme dealers.[4] There have been rumors on this Internet and possibly other Internets as well.[5]

Jerkin

Brought to you by the American Family Association.

These other internets are often referred to as Darknets or the dark internet due to the fact they are unreachable because the great Google has not indexed them yet. They consist mainly of password protected porn networks and other dark strange websites like personal geocities pages that were never finished due to lack of motivation.

Serious Business

The internet is serious business. Every time a user posts a message of satire, sarcasm or humor anywhere on the world wide web, whether it be in an e-mail, on web forums, or even a blog, Bach kills a kitten. Internet users are indirectly responsible for 83% of murdered kittens each week. Therefore, the Internet is a place in which nobody is allowed to screw around. Ever. Case in point: In 1982 during the first internet revolutionary known only as "Carp" was trying sell an exotic pet on the ebay bbs service. In his ad he said that this pet was "one of a kind" which was later proved to be false. He admitted his mistake and nothing happened until 10 years later when he was hit by a car and died.

Dark dungeons

The Internet is known to have dark dungeons, which hold satanic children.[6] The presence of these dungeons might be due to parents dropping off their kids in the middle of the Internet and walking away in fear.[4]

Most of them are slaves to the President which discuss and deal with drugs as well as where to meet to buy them. Places like Mofunzone are drug dealing places with subliminal messages located inside the flash games coding, which only the dedicated can locate. Yahoo groups, Google groups, alt. messaging groups all are dangerous places where pedophiles lurk as well as astrology forums asking for your birthdate, most sexual predators lurk here hoping to pick up these lost children.

Nigerian Widows in Financial Trouble

Miriam Abacha, the wife of the late Nigerian head of state, Gen. Sani Abacha, is a prominent and respected Internet figure. After the mysterious death of her husband, she was informed by her lawyer, Bello Gambari, that her husband who at the time was the president of Nigeria, showed him four metal boxes of foreign money to be transferred overseas for foreign investment.

Since he died, the Nigerian government has been after Miriam Abacha, policing and freezing her bank accounts, and even arresting her children. Her family account in Switzerland worth $22,000,000.00 US has been confiscated by the government. After the burial rite and customs, her lawyer saw your name and address in the publication of the Nigerian Business Promotion Agency. As a consequence, Miriam Abacha smuggled the money into Ghana, and now is seeking an overseas business partner to try and get the money into western investments. If you wish to help her, all you have to do is reply to her email, and she will cut you in for 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% (Which is like $1,000.

Ties to 9/11 and US government involvement

Before 2001, the main subspace relay gateway to Internet was located in the south WTC tower in New York. After Al Qaeda hackers launched a massive attack on the main control node from their cavernous hideouts, George W. Bush moved the subspace relay using string tunneling toward an alternate reality, where it would be free from harm. All this 6 days, 6 hours and 6 seconds before the attacks in New York, thus proving that the number of the beast has been evoked and that judgment day is at hand.

You are being watched.

Trust no one.

The FBI is onto you.

The Women Conspiracy

A recent study by experts found that prior to 2000 the Internet consisted of 70 percent FBI agents, 29% oily, freckle infested nerds, and 1 percent unknown with a 100% margin of error. When asked about this, the FBI denied the allegation by saying, "we enjoy making old sweaty men think that we're hot young... Oh wait, I've said too much." They then proceeded to break our reporter's neck. This revelation has led veteran Internet users into panic. A hairy sweaty longtime Internet user responded "Who have I been exchanging sexy emails with?"

When questioned about as to what the FBI had to gain by impersonating women on chat sites, they responded "First it was just a joke. Bill got some nerd all worked up and then we all started doing it. Bush Senior's been exchanging emails with some lardass since '96, the guy thinks he's a 24 year old secretary."


Predicted End

SOPA DOOM!

The apocalypse horsemen of the netpocalypse, SOPA.

The end of the internet is estimated to be December, 21 2012, which at that time it will be crippled and overthrown by the fearsome senator bills SOPA and CISPA. Once the bill has passed, all of internet will be eaten by the fearsome bills and all will be reduced to smithreens. No site will be safe from the netpocalypse; All will vanish into the core. For how to survive the end of the internet and other information, see the main article above.

References

  1. Porn is, of course, the national sport of Cuba, South Africa, and The Northern Hemisphere
  2. 2.0 2.1 Larry King, Larry King Show. November 14, 2006.
  3. Paul Twomey, Web chief warns of domain name chaos, smh.com.au
  4. 4.0 4.1 New Jersey Times, Parents learn of perils Internet poses for kids
  5. George W. Bush, debate with John Kerry. 2004.
  6. George W. Bush, campaign speech, Arlington Heights, Illinois, Oct. 24, 2000

See also

External links

VTE The cornerstones of the Internets
Internet | Internets | World Wide Web
Browsers Internet Explorer | Safari | Konqueror | Maozilla | Mozilla Firefox | Google Chrome
Languages Perl | PHP | Java | JavaScript | Internet-speak
Formats Image file formats (LIM PNG SVG) | HTML | SGML
Consortiums W3C
Personal tools
projects