International League of Monkeys
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“Oo oo! Ahh ahh! Ooo!”
“It is a league, filled with monkeys, International monkeys.”
“Recent evidence suggests that a barrel of monkeys is not half as much fun as previously claimed, and is, in fact, rather horrifying!”
The International League of Monkeys is the worldwide secret government organization of primate and primate-like creatures. The ILM's main headquarters is rumored to be located within the Florida Keys and the league has several satellite bases at strategic locations around the world. The League's current Commander-in-Chimp (the equivalent of the President in human society) is Chief Abba Ti-El-Babba III, also known as Bobo, who has served since 1995.
The stated mission of the International League of Monkeys is to "...promote the greater good and general welfare of apes everywhere, and to promote positive Ape-Human Relations." (The ILM Constitution, Preamble)
Information on what this mission encompasses is minimal, but it has been rumored that the ILM was responsible for the ending to the 2001 Tim Burton film Planet of the Apes. The confusion of the ending caused distraced movie attendees from the speculation of the ILM's existence and has safely kept the White House at bay on the issue of intelligent primates.
The International League of Monkeys began 13 million years ago when the monkey clans were first discovering the ability to stand and use tools. As some monkeys were resorting to using sticks for food, there were a few monkeys who were born with a mutated X-Gene that allowed them to gain a higher level of intelligence. This intellectual gene encouraged the monkeys possessing the gene to study primate anatomy and create ingenious way of enhancing the new found ability to stand.
Among the experiments of eradicating disease, prolonging life, and turning nose cheese into gold was the goal of hair removal. This tribe originally resided within the Congo where the weather is unbearably hot. The monkeys wanted to create a hair removal gene to prevent hair growth so the monkeys could keep cool during the summer. Through the study of light pigmentation, genetic evolution, and words that end in -ology, the monkeys created a light skinned monkey with light hair, a detatchable nose, and hair that only covered the specimen's head. They named their creation: "Mi-kal Jak-sun" ("Michael Jackson" in English).
At first, the primates found this study to be quite interesting, until the monkey scientist responsible for remembering the formula received amnesia during a Mammoth hunting trip with Dik Che-ney ("Dick Chenney" in English). Since written history was not created, the monkeys responsible for the experiment tested different formulas from memory. The male specimens contracted a genetic defect that caused them to lose the hair on their heads as they aged and an urge to ignore women.
When news broke across the Congo that Mi-kal Jak-sun was deflowering young male primates, the rest of the Congo society banished the monkey intellectuals onto a piece of driftwood and launched them out to sea in their sleep. These primates were the first to discover the Florida Keys and decided to create the International League of Monkeys.
(Note: The ILM is a society of land based primates. Sea Monkeys are strictly prohibited from joining the organization. Not that there is anything wrong with their water living distant, distant cousins, its just that they - they like it this way, yes, thats it. They like this way. Whew!)
The International League of Monkeys contributed heavily to the success of human evolution. As humans traveled to America, the monkeys genetically enhanced nature to sprout portable zygotes that the humans can install within the Earth and cause the plant zygote to grow. The American Indians, impressed with the technology, claimed it as their own due to the secrecy of the ILM and called this invention a "seed" after the first leader of the ILM named Ceed-Rik. Many ILM Historians claimed that the ILM involvement with American Indians sprouted the myths and spiritual connections between American Indians and animals.
The ILM continued to assist the American Indians until the late fifteenth century when Christopher Columbus got drunk from Absinthe and mistakes the American Indians within the Caribbean and Florida Keys for the Hindi Indians that were suppose to give Tech Support to King Fernidad. Columbus, who turned out to be a mad drunk, decided to take his disappointment out on his drunk co-pilot, Billy-Bob, and told King Fernidad that the islands had enough gold to move India closer to Spain. The American Indians--devoted to securing the ILM from exploitation--took the burden of slavery upon themselves and allowed the monkeys to hide private basements since tee-pees were actually roofs to the five story houses that the American Indians shared with the Mole People (who were nice before the human insult of calling grotesque bumps on skin 'moles').
The written records of the ILM's contributions are sketchy after the enslavement of American Indians, but a list was found under a pull-away McDonald's Monopoly piece in the late 1990's. The list of contributions included: toast, kevlar, Montezuma's Revenge, helium protons, the San Francisco treat, The Monkees, Sunny Bono, Tang, banana openers, and the Klingon.
The International League of Monkeys--determined by the treatment of the American Indians--decided to invent a way to become human. Their first experiments resulted in past mistakes of genetic hair removal, but the ILM eventually began creating formulas that were closely related to success.
Their first test was ran on Bobo's great, great, great aunt Sas-wa-Ch. The elixir, Preparation B, allowed Sas-wa-Ch to walk on her hind legs and allowed her to grow to eight feet tall. Preparation C was being created when Sas-wa-Ch fell in love with a French-Canadian Lumberjack that equaled her furiness. She left before the final dose of Preparation C and her descendents currently exist within the Pacific Northwest and Canada. These descendents are currently called Canadians and the stories of "Bigfoot" and "Sasquatch" relate to Sas-qua-ch's fellow Preparation B participants.
Preparation C was tested only once due to the result of Preparation B. Preparation C turned out to become a better success than Preparation B, but the result turned the ILM Commander-of Chimp Ali Ver Neu Ton II, who changed his name to Oliver after the experiment. Oliver, who wanted to break into showbiz, was later purchased by a couple that trained chimpanzees in the 1950's. After Oliver attempted to run away with his female owner and kill Farmer Joe Bob Billy-Jim, he was sent to a prison in Gitmo until he was discovered by Quentin Tarantino. Tarantino had him play an extra in the Kill Bill films before Oliver was sent to a retirement home in Texas.
After numerous tests--and a lost patent lawsuit for a hemroid cure--Preparation K finally proved to be successful in the late 1950's. The first test was done on a group of homeless musician chimps in a London Zoo. These chimps were able to pass themselves off as human and had extra genetic enhancement to play instruments. This group, dedicated to the ILM's cause, named themselves "The Monkees" to stay true to their roots.
The ILM have managed to edit the genetic enhancement into their formula to create George Burns, Bloodhound Gang, Basement Jaxx, and other acting and musical talents. However, the genetic enhancement has yet to be perfected for other fields of talent. In attempts to create a human-primate leader within the political structure, they incidentally created George W. Bush. The ILM continue to work on creating scientist monkey-human creations, but have yet to create one that works.
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