Intelligent dance music
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IDM (pronounced IDM) is a catch-all acronym for any techno made by dolphins. Its true meaning has been forgotten by anyone who doesn't work for Mixmag. Alternate terms may include EDM, EDD, ADD, MED, MAM, NAM, DAM, BED, DIM, MID, MMM, or AAAAAAA. It emerged from a 1995 DJ battle between Cornish ginger Aphid Twat and the movie The Big Blue, causing a wave of British music that was so intelligent, only extremely intellectual people could listen to it. To this day, IDM has been compared to the work of Jim Jarmusch in the fact that it is completely imperceptible to stupid people.
As soon as most British people got over taking inhuman amounts of club drugs and rhythmically seizing to IFD (Incredibly Fast Disco), there grew a community of electronica aficionados who preferred to listen to dance music that they couldn't dance to. It was in IDM that they found music to listen to while thinking really hard or sitting somewhere alone and being pensive. This could be why IDM has been dubbed "the music nobody actually likes", as one can't really be happy and listen to it simultaneously. It just can't be done. IDM quickly spread all over the ocean, and eventually saw releases on land. Experimentation with sounds made by the act of dolphin coitus spawned recordings such as Plaid's Not For Threes, and Autechre's EEEEEEKK SQUEEEEEE CLLKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKTIK SQUEEEEEE. In the later stages of IDM's development, some dolphins have found it "intelligent" to make no music at all, aside from the once-every-ten-dolphin-years release that just ends up being a three-track EP. Throughout the years, many IDM artists have made live recording sessions with the late British radio personality John Peel (known in America as the old man from Top Gear). These sessions were notable for the struggle that would often ensue as a result of carrying the dolphin or dolphins into the studio without letting them die, however the only IDM artist who has ever suffocated on-air during a Peel Session due to ventilation malfunction was Tycho, but that's only because he's Tycho and deserved it.
The IDM sound is often characterized by computer-generated clicks, clacks, bleeps, bloops, blops, splops, splacks, packs, cracks, thwacks, thhhtts, zzzztzs, tzchs, byoos, byonnngs, shyooms, bongs, shrooms, czechs, twits, thizzes, clocks, glocks, locks, stocks, and smoking barrels. This is largely due to the fact that the sub-genre's primary influences are the noises made by the dolphins themselves out of either stress, anger or orgasm. It is for this reason that IDM is speculated to stand for Intense Dolphin Mashups, but this has yet to be proven. The preferred method of production is most often through that of Midi-Pyrénées, a region of musical instrumentation that doesn't really exist.
Several styles of IDM have formed over time. Examples of these are named below.
- Brokenbeet (typically recordings of beets being arrhythmically slapped against a microphone)
- Ambulance (made by making some music and then taking all of the music out of it)
- Gillbient (often frowned upon by the IDM community, due to the use of gills)
- Thrillbient (extremely thrilling dolphin music, or ETDM, which has been described by the press as quite a thrill)
- Noice (not to be confused with noiz, noize, or nose)
- Noisse (French offshoot of Noice)
- Musique Oblique (music best enjoyed at a tilted angle)
- Glitch (music found only on CDs and records that have been microwaved)
- Glitch-Hop (the result of the unfortunate and often permanent welding of an MPC to an Atari 5200)
- Aphid Twat
- Spongebob Squarepusher
- Venetian Blinds
- Boring Canadians Who Are Actually Scottish And Not Canadian