Intelligent Deity

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ID stands for Intelligent Deity, a being smart enough to construct the world using an actual blueprint instead of the somewhat random bumbling ineptitude involved in the BIG BANG theory. The idea that an ID created all of this gives us a much more palatable explanation while enraging scientists and giving politicians more fuel for senate floor brawls. Proponents of the theory of Intelligent Deity, ironically enough, are called IDeists.

The Intelligent Deity was intelligent in his methods of "hide the obvious in plain sight". First he started out with a single cell, then he made another one but added some other stuff, then it became a tadpole, then a frog but rather than discarding each prototype he kept them all, thus throwing off the scientists for centuries and providing endless hours of amusement to his boring life.

His designs progressed throughout the ages as he added more and more additions to his menagerie. The dinosaur/caveman age was primitive, as is any project in the beginning stages of development. The first car was no Mazaradi any more than the first human was an Einstein. It's the difference between Windows 3.0 and Windows XP, the difference between a tiger and a cat, the difference between algae and the Rose of Sharon, the list goes on and on: the difference between:

  • a rat and a kangaroo (kept the rat but developed the idea into a kangaroo)
  • a chihuaha and a black lab (he went a little overboard during dog development)

Here is a breakdown of the various stages of development for each prototype ~

Planets:
  • meteor -> moon -> pluto -> mars -> earth
Humans:
  • amoeba -> tadpole -> tadpole with one lung and an arm ->
Big Foot -> neanderthal -> Michael Jackson -> human


Horses:
  • unicorn -> zebra-> jackass -> giraffe -> centaur
Chameleons:
  • dinosaur -> loch ness monster -> kimono dragon -> iguana ->
chameleon

edit So-called "mistakes"

Many antI-deists believe that the Intelligent Deity was a dumbass because of all the things that don't make sense to them. According to Oscar Wilde: "Intelligent Deities don't make mistakes, humans do."

edit Cosmic Software

IDeists believe that the universe is actually the interior of a large tower hard drive filled with electrical sparks and connections with the planets serving as 3-dimensional disks. Apparently the Intelligent Deist wasn't happy with the contents of any of the other disks besides earth so he deleted their contents and reformatted them.

Another common belief amongst IDeists is that the Intelligent Deity used the popular creationist program of his day, Photoshop .05 to design the earth. If anyone has a copy of this rare program the process went something like this:

For the heavens and earth: Create -> heavens and earth -> Filter -> Render -> 3D transform

Light Create -> light ->Image ->adjust ->brightness contrast

Firmament in the water: drop and drag dirt file into water file

Oceans: blue airbrush #00B2EB, opacity 92%; Filter-> Distort ->Ocean Ripple

Moon and stars: Filter -> Render -> Lighting Effects

Birds and Fish: various pen and brush tools and possibly the marquis

Man in own image: File -> import photo of self; Layers palette -> select duplicate copy.

It's astonishing to modern man that it took 6 days to complete a task that could be accomplished in one afternoon today. The reason the Intelligent Deity rested on the 7th day is open to speculation but many suspect the exhaustion of unexpected system crashes and tech support calls left him exhausted, much like it does to people today.

edit Design Concepts

In spite of condescending squawking from the Anti-IDists community, a careful scientific study illustrates that the Intelligent Deity was well versed in Design theory when planning the blueprint of the universe.

  • Quantity:
A key part of the overall design involves the simple fact that the more there is of an element, the more important it is to survival. Clearly it was planned in advance that cockroaches should roam the earth in great numbers since they are thought to be the only protein that will survive a nuclear holocaust. Brilliant!
  • Repetition:
To intelligently incorporate design theories into practice requires the recognition of variety within unity, but even more importantly repetition (i.e. dna, the nautilus, and spiral staircases all share the same floorplan and desire to cut costs) This explains why the circle is the shape upon which all else "repeats". You might say it is the building block of the universe. It's no coincidence that humans have come up with the expression "running around in circles", since they all started out as one.

Another key design concept which appears repeatedly can be described as contrast. Light and dark, night and day, good and evil, Beethoven and Slim Shady, Bush and Clinton... The Intelligent Deity realized that the opposite must exist to recognize it's opposite which sounds like a conundrum but really isn't.

edit ID's past and present

The list of Intelligent Deities throughout history consists of those deities who were considered intelligent by themselves or others. It additionally contains a few, borderline noteworthy, examples where the IQ of the deity is disputed. In cases like that the name will be put in italics. An asterisk (*) indicates a significant number of followers, while a double dagger () marks those whose followers have dwindled to single digit numbers in recent years.

Who
Image
When
What
Ronald Reagan RonaldReagan c. 3050 BC – preserved in wax Possibly the smartest of all the ID's and god of the American republican party. His followers are considered dangerous and worship him in baptist churches all throughout the south which are being constructed at a rate of 3 per week.
Michael Jackson 337px-Fayum-49 (August 31, 1961 –hopefully soon) Demanded he be seen as a God and worshipped as such.
* Elvis Elvis lives c. 1950 BC – last known siting 2005 The ID of the American south. His holy trinity consists of Dixie, The Battle Hymn of the Republic, and Hush Little Baby. Followers are considered rabid and want all the world to hear their message. Elvites believe that you can only receive salvation if you accept Elvis as your Lord and Savior. Vs. 1, Psalms of Elvis: No Elvis, no peace. Know Elvis, know peace.
Oprah
Grillfaux2
unknown In myth and legend Oprah is generally considered the least semi-divine of the ID's. Her actual historical relevance is disputed and Forbes has ranked her the 2nd most evil woman in the world.

edit Naysayers

As with any revolutionary challenge to the status quo which threatens to overturn established University Departments and professors' tenures, the Intelligent Deity has come under the scrutiny and indeed, persecution from nearly every conceivable lefterly direction. As a result, bibles are no longer allowed in courtrooms and the Ten Commandments are no longer admissible in court.

edit Evolution's Elephant in the Room

Upon completion of ID analysis, the deciding factor, according to leading scientlogist Dr. Tom Cruise, is "evolution's" convenient habit of evolving forward only. "Come on, this is a bunch of crap. We all know that. I know evolution and you don't. I've studied it and it's mutant science at best. Everyone knows mutations go both ways, it wouldn't move in the direction of improvement only. What a joke."

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