Intel
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“...get out”
~ Maddox on Intel
Intel is one of the hottest CPUs (Central Pwning Units) in the gaming world at this moment; the Core 2 Duo processors' optimal pwning temperature is 2000 degrees celsius and their performance is OVER 9000.
Intel chips get their power from the spirits of Satan - no wonder they run so hot!
AMD is in there somewhere sitting on its ass eating 160MHz apples with an IPC higher than Intel will ever care to try achieving.
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[edit] Intel Version
In the beginning, there was the 4004. As an 4-bit microprocessor, an unusable cpu for anything else than eating power, Then there was the 8080 a 8-bit CPU, it didn't have enough balls to run jack shit. It supported only one mode of operation, known as "real mode" because it forced users to do calculations "fo' real", on a sheet of paper. This is the real reason why the Watergate break-in failed (what the hell would you expect...it was 1973 for Christ sake!).
Intel Pentium, also known as the Intel 80585.999999997-niner, came in 1990, it had enough power to run PAINT!
Intel Pentium 2 came in 1993.3, it had enough processing power to run both Notepad and Paint all at the same time! Due to the famous F00F bug, however, the keyboard would only work with Paint, not Notepad, and the mouse would only work with Notepad, not Paint!
Intel Pentium 3 was released in 1996 and had the capabilities to run Windows' mega-bloat GUIs which introduced features such as start bars and color. Due to the Asian Mental Crisis of 1992, the Internet Porn search function was accidentally left out from the processor.
To rectify the problem, the Intel Pentium 3 MMX also came later in 1996. In 1998 Intel Pentium 3 1250 GS, GE, LOL, toast, and Teletubbies all were produced. And then the list continued in a infinite spiral.
Intel Pentium 3 2000 GE sport-tech fancy illumination gaming, Intel Pentium 4 450Mhz GLE sport, Intel Intel GE, Intel Toaster for toasters that support 5B4 formatting. Intel Cross GR 500, Intel 7800Mhz Sporting, Intel GS, Intel Fat32, Intel NTFS 4000 FG, Intel Se, Intel Pentium 5, Intel Core extreme, Intel ROTFL, Intell ya shes pregnant, Inhell, Your mom, I love Janice, Intel Fat30000 supporting Rita MacNeil version 5 or later.
Intel Pentium D was released in 2005, and it was primarily designed to work on microwaves and ovens, as the main heat source.
In late 2005, Intel realised it had made a serious blunder by discontinuing production of the Fat32. This processor was now being used in almost every McDonald's cash register, because the Fat32 was the only low-cost processor which provided enough room (32 gigabytes) to process the amount of fat in each meal.
(KFC of course had been using room-sized mechanical computers from IBM instead; the grease to keep the gears and pulleys running smoothly was always in abundance. Meanwhile the Fat32 chips were, especially in the UK and Australia, mistaken for fries, and thus fried and sometimes eaten, requiring McDonald's to continually replace them.)
Seeing as the Fat30000 was both prohibitively expensive, and required the Rita Macneil software which is illegal in 9 states of the US, McDonald's was seriously considering adopting KFC's approach. Thus in mid-2006, Intel finally unveiled the Intel Phat64, a new low-cost high-fat model. Unfortunately for rival AMD, this was just two days before AMD was ready to release the AMD overw31ght processor; although reportedly Pizza Hut made a deal with AMD to switch to overw31ght in mid-2007.
[edit] New Intel Technologies
[edit] MMXXX (Multi-Media-XXX)
First introduced in Intel Pentium 2, MMXXX was a data streaming technology, that allowed hard-core pornography to be streamed, without putting a heavy load on the CPU. Not only did this allow for much higher resolution porn flicks on the PC, this also allowed the user to quickly switch windows in the event his wife/boss/grandma happened to walk into the room.
MMXXX works by creating a direct cereal interface through the south bridge chip (or south park chip, in select PC's) between the display card and hard drive/CD-ROM/Interweb connection. A downside to this is that viruses and gay porn could stream in unnoticed until it was too late.
[edit] PSN (Processor Sellout Number)
In 1996, Intel teamed up with Micro$oft to create PSN, which was first implemented in Intel Pentium 3. Due to this however, the porn search function was left out, in order to keep the price below $3500.
PSN is an unique identification number in all Intel Pentium 3 processors, which monitors your web activity, and generates a profile through MMXXX (this explains why even existing porn doesn't run well). This profile is then sent to Intel, then to Micro$oft. This is used to create advertisements best suited to your habbits.
[edit] Intel Niggercore
This new technology was developed in the deep south, and is marketed for those that do not want to pay too much, and do not want speeds over 1 Niggahurtz. Instead of the standard corn-based core there is a nigger with a pen and paper. Users have reported that some niggercores are dysfunctional and have problems using the pen and paper. instead of writing with the pen they scratch their backs, and use the notebooks as toilet paper. Intel have responded that all dysfunctional niggercores can be repaired by giving them watermelons.
[edit] Intel i7
This processor was made by heating up liquid carbonite untill it forms a huge chip. These chips cost 10million dollars apiece and can calculate 5billion digits of pie in -1 seconds. The motherboards for these processors can also be used as spaceships because they have both warp engines and rocket propulsion.
[edit] Core 2 Extreme
The new intel released in 2005/2006 is the Intel Core 2 Extreme processor,two engines inside the cpu and powered by diesel, it supports Paint, Notepad and many games like Unreal Tournament, and Unreal Tourn Cement and even complicated CPU eating games such as Minesweeper. Also Half Life 2, where you go through the game only getting 50% life or even if your lucky 50% squared. Also Half life now features another version to add with its 300,000 boxes already out there. Intel and AMD are both fighting to get higher in the Mhz, Intel is now at the Intel GoogleplexMhz EXTREME, While AMD has the AMD -3000Ghz unextreme bortech 3000 GL. Intel is now planning to release its latest new range of QUAD core processors which promise to run four instances of memory hog games like "minesweeper" simultaneously. Intel stated upon Core 2 Extreme' release that possible errata include the need of a third party heat dissipation unit such as a 50,000 BTU air conditioner. It also uses Extreme Voltage to operate, however, the lack of education from intel, people needed LN2 to overclock the processor by 1MHz. On some selected processors, the voltage is 539.8947001V, No wonder it needs LN2 to overclock by 1 MHz! Intel also believes that the processor can operate hotter than the sun without the failure of the processor itself. Core 2 Extreme' hottest recorded temperature was 100 degrees Celcius, Intel has stated they will allow Prime95 to be run on it, but apparently the socket will melt within 10 (ten) minutes of a running instance of Prime95.
[edit] Some warnings of Intel
Intel CPUs have many problems. They will occasionally eat other chips near it, causing themselves to asplode! You may also notice that they may spontaneously ignite due to playing movies, listening to music, or writing a report. You may find yourself either addicted to fruit or suffering from 'blue screen of death' syndrome. Intense processing for more than 3 microminutes may also cause a severe thermite explosion in the upper duplex layers, ripping a hole in the universe, or the 6th coming of Evil Jesus. Intel is also highly evil and corrupt turning all pure AMD prosessors to it's dark cause (wich is as of yet unclear) but we expect that has somthing to do cheese, condoms and nuclear warheads (and a small mouse called jane with a willy). This couurption is the likely cause of much shittyness from intel as they attempt frivolously to courrupt all systems in the network and 10 mile radius. And delete all forms of porn!
(this is a evil plot by tristan to take over the world dont listen! dont listen! urgh...
[edit] Technical Details
From the very first Pentium, the Intel processors were all based on the so-called Drinking Straws processor model; which meant the little pins beneath the processor were used like drinking straws, to suck up information, let it swirl around inside, and then backwash. The crucial point was that each pin could only allow information to travel in one direction at a time.
This posed a problem, as the backwash frequently caused bubbles to arise when the processed information was sent back down the 'straws'. These bubbles would then remain trapped in the computer, but would occasionally show themselves in one of the following ways:
- "Dead Pixels" on laptop monitors are actually pixels in which a bubble has exploded and thus damaged the fragile pixel.
- The scratchy noises you hear when a modem dials up to the internet is actually due to the bubble pollution that is interfering with the sound.
- The dust one often finds in a computer case is actually made of very tiny chips of plastic, these chips are ejected from circuit boards and fans by popping bubbles.
- The bubbles also manifest themselves as those weird black trailing things behind the Windows Logo.
- When the bubbles re-enter the processor, they take up a lot of space. Therefore computers that have been running for a while, and accumulated lots of bubbles, work more slowly because they can't handle as much information at once.
- Worst of all, if a bubble enters the hard drive reading arm, it can cause the arm to bounce, and cause scratches in the hard drive that can deafen a person. It is said to be sixteen thousand times worse than scratching on a blackboard.
The planned Sexium chip got rid of pins entirely, and instead used its psychic powers to absorb information, however, that would drive Tech Support people out of buissness, and the entire economy of the country of India would collapse, so Intel canceled it.
In the Pentium 3, Intel finally realised they had to do something about the problem, and so made each pin much thinner, thus making the bubbles considerably smaller. To the amazement of the designers, this also allowed them to fit more pins on the chip.
Recently the "Socketty" (or officially "Socket T") has attacked the problem by making the "Drinking Straws" stick up from the motherboard rather than being attached to the processor. It is thought that this will allow the processor to breathe out before backwashing, thus practically eliminating the bubble problem.
Many models, starting from the Pentium 2, and including Pentium 3, Pentium 3 GS 1200, and ROTFL, included Floating Point Arithmetic functionality. Mac users far and wide will tell you that the concept is ludicrous, but Intel argues that that's because Mac users think practically everything they can't find in their own home is ludicrous.
The Pentium 4 introduced a concept called "hyper-threading". This is said to be like using a person with two mouths (but some analogies use other orifices) for the drinking staw model, and clearly isn't very effective. But Intel decided that the name that scientific researchers gave it was catchy and unfortunately most consumers thought so too.
Then came "Dual Core" - this was like two people fighting over a hundred straws. Researches have confirmed that when the cores get angry with each other, performance drops by 76%. Multi-core processor's were initially conceived by Intel to have a reason to charge more money because they enabled multi-tasking on PC's and to sell them to people who knew nothing about processors. The newest instruction set included in their newest processor ( Core i7, designed to display a lowercase i and a 7 to the right of the lowercase i, displayed in ultra realistic statue format which will cause the users brain to mispredict real life instructions because it cannot distinguish between the ultra realistic image displayed by the i7 processor, and reality, and since it cannot emulate processor functions, will shut down) is the SEETHELIGHT4.3434335396T905, it apparently shut's down the processor when the power of the processor is actually needed, forcing the user to buy a Duct Take heatsink which keeps the little men that open and close gates approximately 1.443 degrees celcius cooler which apparently satisfies them.
[edit] Intel Shitteron/Celeron
For quite a long time now, Intel has been selling the Shitteron range of processors (formally known as the Celeron). Despite the fact that everyone knows how shit Shitterons are, people who are on a budget still buy them due to their cheap prices. The processors are of course manufactured in China using cheap labor, like most other things nowadays. Companies such as Acer like masquerading Intel Shitterons as Intel Core 2 Duo processors to make them sound up to date and fast. However, when the hapless person takes their new computer home, they realize they have been duped when their Windows Vista bloatware operating system takes an hour to load up. Historically, the Celeron (now Shitteron) line of budget processors from Intel have always featured much less processor cash than more mainstream oriented processors in order to reduce the cost of adding cash to the processor.
[edit] Price of Intel
Intels are regularly a Googleplexplex dollars but can range from Infinity payments to 345346356356 YEN, or even Bucklous. Intel does accept bits of string though. So you can afford it.
“Do you accept bits of String?”
~ Peter Griffin on buying Intel pentium 6.700.8.9.766767.665.66.5.5.4543.5.6.googleplex.545..5.4.3ILU.LOL.5.4.NOOB.8.*69.411phone repair.
“I'm sorry, store policy. We do not accept bits of string.”
~ Black Market Sales Person on Buying Intel Pentium
[edit] Windows Vista and Intel
It is said that Windows Vista would not be able to run on the latest Intel Chipsets, but they are currently working on a new kind of chip that supports Vista and its hungry needing for a better graphics card. The result is the new Chipset codename 3D that will be used in these new Vista Ready machines.
