Integrated circuit

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“Warning: No user-serviceable parts”
~ Oscar Wilde on Home Computer Repair

“Is it Yellow Pig day yet?”
~ Gordon Moore on the number 17

An integrated circuit (also called IC, computer chip, or God-damn computer) is a tiny magical object that makes computer nerds very rich. Nobody knows for sure how they work, but most people agree that they work best when their users are not under deadline pressure. Some engineers suspect that magic smoke is employed in the exact workings of ICs. Integrated circuits can be found in nearly everything sold today, including televisions, cars, dogs, and ears of corn harvested on server farms.

History of ICs

Integrated circuits were first discovered aboard the 1947 Roswell alien spaceship. That ship was powered by twin Z80s, and many in the intelligence community believe that it crashed for this very reason. Within 5 years of the crash, the first earth-based integrated circuits were manufactured. Because of government secrecy restrictions, however, these early devices were kept from the public. It was not until the invention of violent comuputer games that the government realized the usefulness of integrated circuits, and allowed them to be sold commercially.


Integrated Circuits are constructed primarily of sawdust and Rodney Dangerfield's chest hair, the same materials used to make breast implants. Retired strippers undergo mammoplasty surgery to extract the essential elements for IC manufacturing. Because of the high demand for ICs, the semiconductor industry created pole dancing and the Jerry Springer Show.

The extracted silicone is used to coat crunchy wafers, and then millions of tiny transistors are deposited onto the wafer through a process called ejaculation. Next, an army of rats build nests of metal wires on top of the transistors to connect them. Finally, to allow people to peek inside of the IC, a layer of glass coats the top. This glass layer also makes it easier to wipe grimy handprints off of the integrated circuit so one can see his own reflection.

Of course, the entire manufacturing process must be done in a sterilized environment by magic mountain ponies. Workers must shave all of their body hair and remove all fingernails, toenails, and their entire endocrine systems. They are then autoclaved to study Thomistic metaphysics and gaze longingly at the softer side of Sears. Finally, they eat white anti-contamination urinal cakes and enter the manufacturing area. This diet allows them to halucinate comfortably while alien workers (who earn much less than their human counterparts) build the integrated circuits.

Of course, the finished integrated circuit cannot survive on its own. It must be packaged in an attractive display case. The integrated circuit is bonded to its case with tiny wires, which makes it much harder for customers to remove it from the package. Finally, the case is hidden deep inside of a computer, and protected from predators by an angry motherboard.

Inside of the computer, warning signs advise people against touching anything. Some of the signs warn people that they could be shocked. Other signs warn people that they could shock the computer and damage it. Clearly, these signs are contradictory and meaningless. In fact, ICs are safe to touch, lick, or even eat.


The original ICs had very little on them, which explains why alien ships were unable to find Earth for so many years. These chips, called SSI (stupid-scale integration) had anywhere from 0 to 1 transistors.

The next generation of integrated circuits were called MSI (moronic-scale integration). They had from 2 to 16 transistors.

After that came LSI (lousy-scale integration), which always had 17 transistors on them.

Recent years have seen the advent of the braggart generation of integrated circuits, starting with VLSI (very-lousy-scale integration) ULSI (unbelievably-lousy-scale integration) WSI (whatmeworry-scale integration), and finally WOOHOOLSI (invented by Homer Simpson). Although these ICs were able to hold many millions of transistors, they are no longer in use because of Moore's Law. This law, created in 1965 by Gordon Moore, showed how every electrical circuit can be reduced to 17 transistors, thus allowing LSI circuits to be used.

A Rosy Future

With the defeat of the alien invasion, earth is now safe to develop integrated circuits without fear of patent-infringement lawsuits. It is expected that integrated circuits will soon become so popular that people will forget Elvis, Jesus, and the Beatles in that order. After that, we will have the capability to fly to other planets and terrorize them for a change.

See also

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