Integrated circuit

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[[File:Ic-r7000 rx-6.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Early model.]]
 
{{Wilde|Warning: No user-serviceable parts|Home Computer Repair}}
 
{{Wilde|Warning: No user-serviceable parts|Home Computer Repair}}
 
{{Q|Is it Yellow Pig day yet?|Gordon Moore|the number 17}}
 
{{Q|Is it Yellow Pig day yet?|Gordon Moore|the number 17}}
   
An '''integrated circuit''' (also called '''IC''', '''computer chip''', or '''God-damn computer''')
+
An '''integrated circuit''' (also called ''IC'', ''computer chip'', or ''God-damn computer'')
 
is a tiny [[magic|magical]] object that makes computer [[nerds]] very rich.
 
is a tiny [[magic|magical]] object that makes computer [[nerds]] very rich.
Nobody knows for sure how they work, but most people agree that they work best when their users are not under [[deadline]] pressure. Some engineers suspect that [[magic smoke]] is employed in the exact workings of ICs.
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Nobody knows for sure how they work, but most people agree that they work best when their users are not under [[deadline]] pressure.
Integrated circuits can be found in nearly everything sold today, including [[television|televisions]], [[car|cars]],
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[[dog|dogs]], and ears of [[corn]] harvested on [[Server Farm|server farms]].
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Integrated circuits can be found in nearly everything sold today, including [[television|televisions]].
   
 
==History of ICs==
 
==History of ICs==
Integrated circuits were first discovered aboard the 1947 [[Roswell]] alien spaceship.
+
Integrated circuits were first discovered aboard the 1947 [[Roswell]] alien spaceship. Within 5 years of the crash, the first earth-based integrated circuits were manufactured. Because of government [[Secret|secrecy]] restrictions, however, these early devices were kept from the public. It was not until the invention of violent [[computer game|comuputer games]] that the government realized the usefulness of integrated circuits, and allowed them to be sold commercially.
That ship was powered by [[Olsen Twins|twin]] Z80s, and many in the [[CIA|intelligence community]] believe that it crashed for this very reason.
 
Within 5 years of the crash, the first earth-based integrated circuits were manufactured.
 
Because of government [[Secret|secrecy]] restrictions, however, these early devices were kept from the public.
 
It was not until the invention of violent [[computer game|comuputer games]] that the government realized the usefulness of integrated circuits,
 
and allowed them to be sold commercially.
 
   
 
==Manufacturing==
 
==Manufacturing==
  +
[[File:596-8-BDIP.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Chips everywhere!]]
 
Integrated Circuits are constructed primarily of sawdust and [[Rodney Dangerfield]]'s chest hair, the same materials used to make [[boobs|breast implants]].
 
Integrated Circuits are constructed primarily of sawdust and [[Rodney Dangerfield]]'s chest hair, the same materials used to make [[boobs|breast implants]].
 
Retired strippers undergo mammoplasty surgery to extract the essential elements for IC manufacturing.
 
Retired strippers undergo mammoplasty surgery to extract the essential elements for IC manufacturing.
 
Because of the high demand for ICs, the semiconductor industry created [[pole dancing]] and the [[Jerry Springer|Jerry Springer Show]].
 
Because of the high demand for ICs, the semiconductor industry created [[pole dancing]] and the [[Jerry Springer|Jerry Springer Show]].
   
The extracted silicone is used to coat [[Necco Wafer|crunchy wafers]],
+
The extracted silicone is used to coat crunchy wafers, and then millions of tiny transistors are deposited onto the wafer through a process called making it. Next, an army of [[rat|rats]] build nests of metal wires on top of the transistors to connect them. Finally, to allow people to peek inside of the IC, a layer of [[glass]] coats the top.
and then millions of tiny transistors are deposited onto the wafer through a process called [[Cum|ejaculation]].
+
Next, an army of [[rat|rats]] build nests of metal wires on top of the transistors to connect them.
 
Finally, to allow people to peek inside of the IC, a layer of [[glass]] coats the top.
 
 
This glass layer also makes it easier to wipe grimy handprints off of the integrated circuit so one can see his own reflection.
 
This glass layer also makes it easier to wipe grimy handprints off of the integrated circuit so one can see his own reflection.
   
Of course, the entire manufacturing process must be done in a sterilized environment by magic mountain ponies.
+
Of course, the entire manufacturing process must be done in a sterilized environment and workers must shave all of their body hair and remove all fingernails, toenails, and their entire endocrine systems.
Workers must shave all of their body hair and remove all fingernails, toenails, and their entire endocrine systems.
+
They are then autoclaved to study Thomistic metaphysics and gaze longingly at the softer side of Sears.
 
 
Finally, they eat white anti-contamination urinal cakes and enter the manufacturing area.
 
Finally, they eat white anti-contamination urinal cakes and enter the manufacturing area.
This diet allows them to halucinate comfortably while [[alien]] workers (who earn much less than their human counterparts)
+
This diet allows them to hallucinate comfortably while [[alien]] workers (who earn much less than their human counterparts) build the integrated circuits around them.
build the integrated circuits.
 
 
Of course, the finished integrated circuit cannot survive on its own.
 
It must be packaged in an attractive display case.
 
The integrated circuit is [[bondage|bonded]] to its case with tiny wires,
 
which makes it much harder for customers to remove it from the package.
 
Finally, the case is hidden deep inside of a computer, and protected from predators by an angry motherboard.
 
 
Inside of the computer, warning signs advise people against touching anything.
 
Some of the signs warn people that they could be shocked.
 
Other signs warn people that they could shock the computer and damage it.
 
Clearly, these signs are contradictory and meaningless.
 
In fact, ICs are safe to touch, lick, or even eat.
 
   
 
==Complexity==
 
==Complexity==
The original ICs had very little on them, which explains why alien ships were unable to find [[Earth]] for so many years.
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The original ICs had very little on them, which explains why alien ships first crashed on [[Earth]].
These chips, called '''SSI''' (stupid-scale integration) had anywhere from 0 to 1 transistors.
+
These chips, called '''SSI''' (stupid-scale integration) had anywhere from 1 to 2 transistors.
   
The next generation of integrated circuits were called '''MSI''' (moronic-scale integration).
+
'''MSI''' (moronic-scale integration) was the next generation of integrated circuits and had from 3 to 16 transistors.
They had from 2 to 16 transistors.
 
   
After that came '''LSI''' (lousy-scale integration), which always had 17 transistors on them.
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'''LSI''' (lousy-scale integration) came next, which always had 17 transistors.
   
 
Recent years have seen the advent of the braggart generation of integrated circuits, starting with '''VLSI''' (very-lousy-scale integration)
 
Recent years have seen the advent of the braggart generation of integrated circuits, starting with '''VLSI''' (very-lousy-scale integration)
 
'''ULSI''' (unbelievably-lousy-scale integration) '''WSI''' ([[Mad Magazine|whatmeworry]]-scale integration),
 
'''ULSI''' (unbelievably-lousy-scale integration) '''WSI''' ([[Mad Magazine|whatmeworry]]-scale integration),
and finally '''WOOHOOLSI''' (invented by [[The Simpsons|Homer Simpson]]).
+
Although these ICs were able to hold many millions of transistors, they are no longer in use because of [[Moore's Law]].
+
Although these ICs were able to hold many millions of transistors, they are no longer in use because of [[Moore's Law]]. This law, created in 1965 by Gordon Moore, showed how every electrical circuit can be reduced to 17 transistors, thus allowing LSI circuits to be used.
This law, created in 1965 by Gordon Moore, showed how every electrical circuit can be reduced to 17 transistors,
 
thus allowing LSI circuits to be used.
 
   
 
==A Rosy Future==
 
==A Rosy Future==
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* [[Electronics]]
 
* [[Electronics]]
 
* [[conspiracy|Conspiracy Theory]]
 
* [[conspiracy|Conspiracy Theory]]
* [[Feces]]
 
   
 
[[Category: Hardware]][[Category: Evil Technology]]
 
[[Category: Hardware]][[Category: Evil Technology]]

Latest revision as of 04:22, March 7, 2012

Ic-r7000 rx-6

Early model.

“Warning: No user-serviceable parts”
~ Oscar Wilde on Home Computer Repair

“Is it Yellow Pig day yet?”
~ Gordon Moore on the number 17

An integrated circuit (also called IC, computer chip, or God-damn computer) is a tiny magical object that makes computer nerds very rich. Nobody knows for sure how they work, but most people agree that they work best when their users are not under deadline pressure.

Integrated circuits can be found in nearly everything sold today, including televisions.

edit History of ICs

Integrated circuits were first discovered aboard the 1947 Roswell alien spaceship. Within 5 years of the crash, the first earth-based integrated circuits were manufactured. Because of government secrecy restrictions, however, these early devices were kept from the public. It was not until the invention of violent comuputer games that the government realized the usefulness of integrated circuits, and allowed them to be sold commercially.

edit Manufacturing

596-8-BDIP

Chips everywhere!

Integrated Circuits are constructed primarily of sawdust and Rodney Dangerfield's chest hair, the same materials used to make breast implants. Retired strippers undergo mammoplasty surgery to extract the essential elements for IC manufacturing. Because of the high demand for ICs, the semiconductor industry created pole dancing and the Jerry Springer Show.

The extracted silicone is used to coat crunchy wafers, and then millions of tiny transistors are deposited onto the wafer through a process called making it. Next, an army of rats build nests of metal wires on top of the transistors to connect them. Finally, to allow people to peek inside of the IC, a layer of glass coats the top.

This glass layer also makes it easier to wipe grimy handprints off of the integrated circuit so one can see his own reflection.

Of course, the entire manufacturing process must be done in a sterilized environment and workers must shave all of their body hair and remove all fingernails, toenails, and their entire endocrine systems.

Finally, they eat white anti-contamination urinal cakes and enter the manufacturing area. This diet allows them to hallucinate comfortably while alien workers (who earn much less than their human counterparts) build the integrated circuits around them.

edit Complexity

The original ICs had very little on them, which explains why alien ships first crashed on Earth. These chips, called SSI (stupid-scale integration) had anywhere from 1 to 2 transistors.

MSI (moronic-scale integration) was the next generation of integrated circuits and had from 3 to 16 transistors.

LSI (lousy-scale integration) came next, which always had 17 transistors.

Recent years have seen the advent of the braggart generation of integrated circuits, starting with VLSI (very-lousy-scale integration) ULSI (unbelievably-lousy-scale integration) WSI (whatmeworry-scale integration),

Although these ICs were able to hold many millions of transistors, they are no longer in use because of Moore's Law. This law, created in 1965 by Gordon Moore, showed how every electrical circuit can be reduced to 17 transistors, thus allowing LSI circuits to be used.

edit A Rosy Future

With the defeat of the alien invasion, earth is now safe to develop integrated circuits without fear of patent-infringement lawsuits. It is expected that integrated circuits will soon become so popular that people will forget Elvis, Jesus, and the Beatles in that order. After that, we will have the capability to fly to other planets and terrorize them for a change.

edit See also

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