Institute for Unicorn Research
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The controversial Unicorn Research group published the following far ranging report. which has since been slammed by a number of esteemed individuals including Ken Livingstone and The Pope. PS...I touch my BALLZ!
Unicorns are a hidden danger, threatening all points of the civilised world. Looking a bit like horses they often get past security checks and into public spaces.
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[edit] Do you have a unicorn?
unicorns are the bomb they rock!! and they are real thats how zebras came in to this world.You may be suffering from unicorn infestation if you have notice one or more of the following things:
- Unexplained charges to your credit card (unicorns like luxury goods)
- Your duvet smells a bit horsy even though you washed it, like, last year
- Your wallet is empty after a night out on the town (see'credit card above, unicorns are also accomplished cat burglars)
- Something unexplainable has happened, such as a building burning down, which you can easily blame on the unicorns.
- GLOBAL WARMING!
[edit] What can you do about it?
It is a well known fact that Unicorns are attracted to maidens and the like, you could:
- Invite ALL your friends round and DEMAND to know, who is a maiden (or the like). Insist they submit, or give to you at least two of the following:
- Lie detector tests
- Video evidence
- Diagrams
- Do the same in your local public house, pub, or bar
- Do the same in the shopping centre you use
It is also well known that Pegasi are far superior to Unicorns, so:
- Go to your local pet shop and fetch a Pegasus, or better, a herd of them.
- ALWAYS keep one of them at hand, especially:
- when you're near potential maidens.
- when you're going to the movies, a restroom or any other facility with few means of escape.
- Learn how to fly a Pegasus. But be careful: In case you mess up, you'll never be able to worry about Unicorns again, let alone defend yourself or run away.
[edit] Get involved!
You can't do it all alone, but with political campaigning we can together eradicate this scourge.
- Write to your Senator or Member of Parliament demanding that all horses should be photographed, forced to carry holographic cards, and their DATA held in a database at great expense so that a few programmers can be kept in employment.
- Develop a psychological test for horses so that you can weed out potential offenders. Questions to include:
- "Are you a unicorn?"
- Invade a country that you believe is harbouring unicorns, especially if they deny it.
- Start your own outreach program, "Just Say No to Unicorns."
- Start an extremist splinter group so you can blow up anything you feel has been tainted by the unicorn.
- Breed a Pegasus tribe and teach them how to eradicate Unicorns most efficiently.
