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“Eat Shit†, Malfoy!”
“If you gotta take a shit, don't take no shit”
Indiscriminate Defecation is the act of Defecation (shitting), and takes place wherever the Indiscriminate Defecator (shitter) happens to be at the time of the Indiscriminate defecation. Except on a toilet seat. toilet seat shitters are classified as discriminate defecators (environmentalists) and do not comply with the qualifications of Indiscriminate Defecation. Indiscriminate Defecation is encouraged among all cultures of the world because it is proven to increase leg strength. With just a little practice, you can learn how to Indiscriminately Defecate (shit in the woods) like a pro! WARNING: Kittens have been known to Indisriminately Defecate upon the faces of their assailants.(Kitten Huffers)
†An unforgivable misquotation.
edit How To Be an Indiscriminate Defecator
Indiscriminate Defecation, like other things, only requires a few simple guidelines. There are several techniques endorsed by the United States of Shit, so you will need to try them all to choose the one that works for you.
edit The Hideout
- Hike into the woods a short distance. This is not necessary if you are in the woods, and may be impossible if you're drunk or paralyzed (see Terri Schiavo).
- Find a large tree you feel comfortable wall-sitting against.
- Drop your drawers
- Run away
edit The WMD
This method is considered rude in company.. unless you are all drunk (and horny)
- Find a tree that has a smooth branch horizontal to the ground no more than 8 feet high.
- Climb up onto the branch.
- Drop your drawers.
- Hang brain and take a drain!
- Run away
edit The Hobo
This method is one of the only endorsed
Indiscrimin.. aw what the hell.. random shitting methods that can be used in the city. It's best if you want to spend the night in a warm, dry jail cell.
- Find a highway overpass.
- Get naked.
- Walk around in circles.
- Take a big ass shit
- Throw your shit in a policeman's face because he took your drugs
- Run, Nigga!†
†This method is not Racist in the least.
edit The Burnout
This method is the quickest way to shit anywhere but takes lots of practice and should only be done by the pros.
- Stand in front of designated "shitting area"
- Drop your drawers
- In one quick motion, spin on the spot and squeeze your shit muscles as hard as you can
- Run away
Any questions? A video of this method can be found on Youtube.
edit After The Act
This applies to all Indiscriminate Defecators. It is crucially important to cover your shit after the deed is done. There are countless methods of coving shit up but most apply to crimes which have nothing to do with harmless Indiscriminate Defecation. Below are several methods of shit covering endorsed by SAAD (see below).
edit The Shitdig
- Get a shovel
- Dig a hole
- Kick your shit in a hole
- Cover up the hole
- Run away
edit Stomp The Yard
- Stand about one foot from the shit facing away.
- Get on your hands and knees
- Kick your back feet to throw loose dirt over your shit
- Run away
This method is a favorite of cats, who are a protected class under the bylaws of Indiscriminate defecation.
edit Naturalist Approach
- Get a piece of wood
- Sharpen it
- Make a sign which says "watch your step"
- Stick it in the ground next to your shit.
- Run away
This one is very popular among Hippies
edit Is Indiscriminate Defecation Right for Me?
Many people experience anxiety every time they need to shit because they want to defecate indiscriminately but do not feel it is socially prudent. This need not worry you. If you feel the need to shit wherever the hell you want to, just remember that it is your right as autonomous individual to shit anywhere you please. Indiscriminate Defecation is currently protected under the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Take a stand for your rights and do not let others trample upon them. As Oscar Wilde once said, "If you gotta take a shit, don't take no shit."
edit The History of Indiscriminate Defecation
Thought it's popularity has waned in the last century, Indiscriminate Defecation has been wildly popular for the last 544238754032 years, and only since the invention of the Shitter began to decline in popularity. Humans are the only earthly species to adopt new age of Discriminate Defecation thus far, and as such have caught much flak from non-human communities. However, the movement continues to grow and is expected to take over in Iran by the year 2100
about the same time the Day After Tomorrow finally gets here this is great news for those already swept up in the revolution and a major focus in the upcoming 2008 presidential election.
Several fringe groups have recently been established to defend the cause of Indiscriminate Defecation and inform the world of the dangers of the growing Bathroom Revolution
edit The Non-Humans
Recently, The Society of Animals Against Discriminate Defecation (SAADD) refused urges from George Bush to accept the growing revolution. This group cites recent scientific discoveries in their argument against so-called "picky shitting". SAADD has drawn ever more convincing parallels between Discriminate Defecation and Global Warming, which threatens to destroy our planet long before we can relocate to Mars. The following time line has been released by SAADD to inform the world of the dangers of Discriminate Defecation.
- 20000 BC - Ice Age
- 15000 BC - First Humanoids
- 10000 BC - First Humans
- 8000 BC - Religion invented
- 6000 BC - Some guy took a shit in the woods
- 5000 BC - Nothing Happened
- The Near Future AD - WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
-There would be a template here about the above bit being politically incorrect and over-Christian, and asking you to kindly leave it like that, but no-one's made one yet (I really can't be arsed), so this bit here'll have to do.-
This time line was written by the High Council of Squirrels and approved by the Supreme Polar Bear, with collaboration from the Kangaroo Nation, which places it among the Top Ten Things Most Likely to be 100% Accurate
edit The Humans
Although this movement is only supported by Ultra left-wing freaks, whereas SAADD has 483643436254 registered members, the Return to the Woods campaign is in strong collaboration with SAADD, and have a research base somewhere near Portland, Oregon. Everyone involved in this campaign lives in Redwood Trees and has never taken an indoor shit. They don't have their own time line but they back up whatever the Kangaroo Nation has to say, so long as it is in accordance with their leader.
edit In The News
Every now and then, someone is caught attempting to exercise free speech by indiscriminately Defecating on a photo of the President or Harry Reid. Although not strictly Indiscriminate, this practice is encouraged by SAADD and the Return to the Woods Campaign alike. Both organizations insist that Indiscriminate Defecators continue this practice as is their right under the Constitution. The Following is an official press release.
edit People Who's Faces Need to be Indiscriminately Defecated On
- Harry Potter
- Hillary Clinton
- Bill Clinton
- Kitten Huffers
- Al Sharpton
- George Bush
- Janet Jackson
- Martin Sheen
- Cynthia McKinney
- Draco Malfoy
edit If You Choose To Convert
The lifestyle of an Indiscriminate Defecator can be tough, but we know you will prevail. Just always remember that you are fighting to protect the environment from Capitalist Pigs and fascism, and don't forget to follow appropriate guidelines for Indiscriminate Defecation (shitting). For complete guidelines refer to the above methods, and our "hints and tips" section at the bottom of this page.
edit Famous Indiscriminate Defecators
- John Madden
- Vicente Fox
- The guy on "Into the Wild"
- Mother Teresa
- Chuck Norris
- Your mom
- Fidel Castro
- Forrest Gump's Girlfriend
edit Hints and Tips for Successful Indiscriminate Defecation
- If you don't have toilet paper handy, use a large leaf. (or your sock)
- Do not fall into your shit while trying to execute a squat
- Always run away after you have shit
- Watch for predators, which could take advantage of you temporary immobility
- DO NOT run while Prairie Doggin', this can lead to permanent Erectile Dysfunction
- Eat hot peppers and lots of Tobasco Sauce. This will keep your asshole warm
- NEVER attempt the burnout technique by yourself, as straining can occur