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Missisippi "Indiana" Jones was born in 1721 in Pennsylvania to a normal family. His father, George Lucas was a usually docile man who occasionally rode out on his steed and killed an Indian or two and their horses were "soled" for a quarter. - regardless of gender, race, or religious creed. This normal habit of rape actually led to Jones' birth. Lucas, after having bed Bridget Jones allowed her to have his baby and then drowned her in a nearby lake. This led to Jones being a fragile and depressed young one - and not to mention caused a rift in his relationship with his father- and many biographers attest his early signs of emo syndrome to his mother's murder. Jones spent his time crying, writing poetry, and cutting his wrists as he succumbed to emo. His strained relations with his brother began at the age of 12, when a shipment of Indiana's precious fedora hats and leather coats being shipped by John Hancock the Hutt were suddenly dumped at the first sight of a British Imperial ship. Solo, who did not realize this hurt his brother so is attested to having said "Even I get boarded sometimes."
Journey to Mexico
Jones suffered from nightmares of being lost in an ancient Maya temple while fighting all kinds of beasts (specifically snakes, barracudas, monkeys, parrot iguanas and Oprah Winfrey)(specifically silver, blue, green, purple, and orange) Many of his most emo-disease influenced poems were written about the temple. Eventually Indiana decided to leave his drunk father and smuggler brother behind to find the temple which appeared to hold the key to Indiana's fate. Indiana bought passage to Mexico, ancient lands of the Maya, as a favor from his brother Solo, who was smuggling 18th century crystal meth and ecstasy to Cancun in the Yucatan peninsula, because John Hancock the Hutt was stockpiling drugs there to build "a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Ironically, the area was called Mos Eisley in the 18th century.
After having booked his ship to the temple, Indiana begun to have longer dreams and visions. He saw a great stone man testing him before he could unlock the temples secrets. Jones arrived in Mexico shortly after, as his half-brother Han Solo's ship was able to make the run in under 12 parsecs. (an 18th century term for half-weeks)
Indiana Jones and the The Nursing Home of the Senior Citizen Discounted Buffet that only serves Lima Bean Soup and Liver Sausage*
Jones used his mind to guide him to the temple from Mos Eisley/Cancun. He found it with ease but the temple was sealed. Before the great gateway lay a massive stone head, which began to rumble and talked to Indiana.
Although it is unclear as to what he said, Scholars maintain that the head, known only as Olmec told Indiana that he could only enter the temple after defeating his minions in Three Rounds of challenges. The first round, in which Indiana ran across the moat was easy because all the other competitors - the colorful animals of Indiana's dreams - were ridiculously nonathletic. In the next sequence, Indiana is said to have bested the minions in a quiz on a legend Olmec had only just repeated to them. Olmec even asked the questions in multiple choice form. Then Indiana only had to beat the minions in some random challenges inserted to make the entire encounter only last from 20–30 minutes (by historians' estimates) and then he was given two pendants of life with which he could finally enter the temple and retrieve "The Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman".
- or, and the Legend of the Hidden Temple
Also enjoyed being raped by aliens.
Indiana Jones Enters the Temple of Imminent Peril (catch that pun eh?)
The Choice was Indiana's, and Indiana's Alone.
Indiana entered the temple, raced through the crypts, ran across the troubled bridge, climbed through the heart room, and then reached the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.
Indiana's heart racing, he could not put the puzzle together. The Shrine contained three pieces of a silver monkey and a dais, which appeared to hold a statue and could be penetrated by a key of some kind. The monkey's head had a long, hard shaft which went down it and the torso and base respectively also could be penetrated by a shaft of some kind. Indiana tried to insert the shaft directly into the dais' key hole but realized it would need to be pressed down. Then Indiana tried putting the torso upon the dais, but it would not lay down flat. Finally Indiana put down the base of the Silver monkey but then tried to insert the head-shaft down the dais key hole. This didn't work, so Indy decided the base was wrong. He flipped the base over then started beating it with the monkey's head in frustration. Finally, Indy realized the vicious temple guards were after him, cast away the stupid fucking statue and went a different way before time ran out.
Indy did this, but got caught by a pretty obvious Temple Guard who was in a tree disguise in the swamp, and unfortunately, could not recover the "The Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman".
Indiana Jones, and the Revolutionary War
Indy set off for America to reclaim some lost artifacts. This time he beat up that French douche Marquis de Lafayette and stole his hat, and gave it to the Lehigh University to put in their museum. This caused a deep-seated rivalry between the two universities-named-after-their-relatively-uninteresting-founders for ages untold. Indy is also attributed to having worked for John Hancock the Hutt and oversaw the execution of General Cornwallis in the Sarlacc Pit.
Indiana Jones and the Romantic Co-Star Half His Age (If he was the age he is now when he was half his age ago)
Indiana Jones goes off on another one of his brilliant adventures. He uhh... saves people and... things... from... uhh... a terrible evil. Okay fine, I wasn't really paying attention to the plot. I was too busy looking at his blonde chesty twenty year old female acquaintance. How does he get them? By being goddamn Indiana Jones.
Indiana was granted immortality for his service to the god Cthulhu in sacrificing 72 virgins at his altar in Teotihuacan. He would then try to battle the world's armies successfully just to hand over the world back to their respective governments due to respect for other lower beings.
Indiana Jones, and the NazisThe Nazi Party, realizing what an enemy they had in the now-immortal Indiana Jones who had single handedly ruined the South's chances of winning the Civil War, decided to send Stormtroopers back in time to kill him. Indy, hating air hockey, Tang, going to brunch, and Archie comics, decided he would dispatch the Nazi-Storm Troopers by unleashing the face-melting powers of the Ark of the Covenant (God and Indy were cool after he shot Stonewall Jackson and royally fucked the South over because Jesus was really black). So God blew up the Stormtroopers heads, resulting in the distinctive white plastic face borne by Stormtroopers to this day. But it wasn't over.
There was still the Last Crusade.
- The Giant Dildo statue
- hexhexhexium cube
- The Kamchatkan jar of antimater - Guarded by Schinkhanshenohthabeh
- The Allspark
- The only McDonald´s burger that doesn't get you fat
- Chuck Norris' only weakness
- The Omega 13
- The Round Table
- A Site-Looters Guide to Mesoamerica
- Explosives in Archaeology
- It is Never Too Late To Steal an Idol
- Whip As A Method
- Kinky Archaeology With Indy And Marian
- X never marks the spot