Indiana Jones

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Indiana brit

Indiana Jones: So badass, he sets crystal skulls aflame with just a crack of his whip!

Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones, Jr. (early 1900s-present) was a sickly young man, who contracted a terminal case of Badass Syndrome at an early age, turned archaeologist, and became a widely unrecognized veteran of the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, Civil War, WWI, WWII, and Vietnam War. His stormy relationships with his brother, Han Solo, mother, Lara Croft, and father, George Lucas, were the subject of constant tabloid speculation. Tabloids, in the 18th century, were all run by closet-gay extraordinaire Benjamin Franklin, and were more stalker-like than today's docile paparazzi.

edit Early life

Mississippi "Indiana" Jones was born in 1721 in Pennsylvania to a normal family. His father, George Lucas was a usually docile man who occasionally rode out on his steed and killed an Indian or two and their horses were "soled" for a quarter. - regardless of gender, race, or religious creed. This normal habit of rape actually led to Jones' birth. Lucas, after having bed Angelina Jolie, allowed her to have his baby and then drowned her in a nearby lake. This led to Jones being a fragile and depressed young one - and not to mention caused a rift in his relationship with his father - and many biographers attribute his early signs of Badass Syndrome to his mother's murder. Jones spent his time crying, writing poetry, and developing a sadomasochistic fetish in which he used a brown leather whip to pleasure himself. His strained relations with his brother began at the age of 12, when a shipment of Indiana's precious fedora hats and leather coats being shipped by John Hancock the Hutt were suddenly dumped at the first sight of a British Imperial ship. Solo, who did not realize this hurt his brother so is attested to having said "Even I get boarded sometimes."

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Indiana Jones.

edit Indiana Jones and the Lost Thing


Indiana Jones owns EVERYBODY.

Jones was given the task of locating the Lost Thing by General George Washington (as part of a secret ploy to win the war) at age 25. Jones, having already been chased by one of the giant stone testicles of Rockbiter in a past adventure, took the job. He packed his revolver, love whip, and fedora, heading to the airport. Somehow, Jones boarded the plane without the TSA sexually assaulting him for his luggage and left for Thingsville (AKA Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania). He nearly gagged on the heavy pollution in the air and guessed that it was the first trap in the series of pitfalls that guarded the Lost Thing, so he rolled about on the ground, trying to dodge the air toxins while looking like Hannibal Lector with his legs cut off. He somehow rolled into the Lost Temple of the Thing, which was a very fortunate coincidence indeed, but fell down a mine shaft in the process. After having a wet dream about Ace Ventura while unconscious, Doctor Jones awoke, face-to-face with the Lost Thing... which was guarded by a rather elaborate arrow trap. Memorizing his skills from playing Pitfall on the Atari 2600, Jones looked all around for a red button and joystick, but there was none to be found. Instead, Jones decided to avoid the arrows the best he could. While walking to the Thing, he felt sharp pains in his back, which he concluded was his scoliosis acting up again. By the time he reached the Lost Thing, he had fifty ancient (and rather filthy) Pittsburgian arrows implanted into his back. Jones thought nothing of it and grabbed the thing, which oddly looked like what would later be known as a Rubik's Cube. Suddenly, a large explosion rocked the temple and none other than John Hancock the Hutt, along with some thirty thousand Native Americans, emerged from the smokey rubble. "Doctor Jones! Neek meebo chawa wermo, ho ho!" the Hutt announced. "The Thing, please." he demanded in Huttese. Jones handed over the requested item in sorrow, which suddenly turned out to be Jones' own virginity in a jar. "Once again, Doctor Jones, we see that there is nothing that you can posses that I cannot take away! Ho ho ho!" the creature bellowed. Jones screamed in horror and was sacked by the Native Americans. John Hancock the Hutt slid away, leaving a trail of Science Goo, which was later used to create the Adolescent Karate Tortoises. Jones returned with another fifty arrows in his back to George Washington, defeated. Washington asked where the Thing was, to which Jones replied "John Hancock the Hutt took it.. but why did you want my virginity?" "Virginity?" Washington thundered in confusion. "I think you mean the Puzzle Cube of Colors. I was going to use it to confuse King George and frustrate him with its complexity, making us win the war."

edit Indiana Jones and the The Nursing Home of the Senior Citizen Discounted Buffet that only serves Lima Bean Soup and Liver Sausage*

Jones, after being fired from his job as a Revolutionary War spy, used his mind to guide him to the Hidden Temple from America. He found it with ease but the temple was sealed. Before the great gateway lay a massive stone head, which began to rumble and talked to Indiana.

Although it is unclear as to what he said, Scholars maintain that the head, known only as Olmec told Indiana that he could only enter the temple after defeating his minions in Three Rounds of challenges. The first round, in which Indiana ran across the moat was easy because all the other competitors - the colorful animals of Indiana's dreams - were ridiculously nonathletic. In the next sequence, Indiana is said to have bested the minions in a quiz on a legend Olmec had only just repeated to them. Olmec even asked the questions in multiple choice form. Then Indiana only had to beat the minions in some random challenges inserted to make the entire encounter only last from 20–30 minutes (by historians' estimates) and then he was given two pendants of life with which he could finally enter the temple and retrieve "The Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman".

edit Indiana Jones Enters the Temple of Imminent Peril (catch that pun eh?)


Indie's friend Shortround guards Indy's camp. Notice, how the stock is shoved under his armpit... He's how old again?

The Choice was Indiana's, and Indiana's alone. Indiana entered the temple, raced through the crypts, ran across the troubled bridge, climbed through the heart room, and then reached the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.

Indiana's heart racing, he could not put the puzzle together. (Lara Croft was absent and could not be reached.) The Shrine contained three pieces of a silver monkey and a dais, which appeared to hold a statue and could be penetrated by a key of some kind. The monkey's head had a long, hard shaft which went down it and the torso and base respectively also could be penetrated by a shaft of some kind. Indiana tried to insert the shaft directly into the dais' key hole but realized it would need to be pressed down. Then Indiana tried putting the torso upon the dais, but it would not lay down flat. Finally Indiana put down the base of the Silver monkey but then tried to insert the head-shaft down the dais key hole. This didn't work, so Indy decided the base was wrong. He flipped the base over then started beating it with the monkey's head in frustration. Finally, Indy realized the vicious temple guards were after him, cast away the stupid fucking statue and went a different way before time ran out.

Indy did this, but got caught by a pretty obvious Temple Guard who was in a tree disguise in the swamp, and unfortunately, could not recover the "The Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman".

edit Indiana Jones and the Revolutionary War

Indy set off for America to reclaim some lost artifacts. This time he beat up that French douche Marquis de Lafayette and stole his hat, and gave it to the Lehigh University to put in their museum. This caused a deep-seated rivalry between the two universities-named-after-their-relatively-uninteresting-founders for ages untold. Indy also worked for John Hancock the Hutt and oversaw the execution of General Cornwallis in the Sarlacc Pit.

edit See also

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