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Mhashahakaghatmatamadolahamdakima was here Khamadalkhah Hindustan
|Motto: "My brother My brother ..."|
|Anthem: "Jai Ho"|
Green is India, and Red are areas ethier Pakistan or Burma-occupied.
|Largest city||Bombay Mix|
|Official language(s)||C, C++, C#, Python, Java, Perl|
|Government||Sardarji, Italian Mafia (unofficial)|
|Unofficial languages||Aravam,Bambaiya, Gulti, Inglis|
|worst languages||Malayalam (it means the same even when read backwards)|
|Most deadly languages||Classical Tamil|
|National Hero(es)||Green-Card, Amitabh Bachchan, Sachin Tendulkar, Emperor Ashoka, Clement Attlee, Gandhi and Buddha|
|Religion||Everything known to Man, Kama Sutra|
|Calling code||+1 (redirect)|
“India: A land of contrasting scenic beauty, fascinating religions, diverse food, intoxicating culture and an overwhelming stench which permeates your every pore, leaving you with an eternal fetid reminder of your brief dalliance with the place. ”
A South East Asian country, India is surrounded by Pakistan to the West, China to the North East, the Indian Ocean to the South, and is directly accessible from Europe via a quick caravel trip straight across over the Atlantic Ocean.
With a population estimated at over 1 billion and rising by the minute, India is the only country in the world where its humans occupants are outnumbers by its ant population. With over 80 per cent of the population claiming to be Hindu’s, it is impossible to identify the exact number of people living in India as Government census forms are routinely filled with not only the participant’s current details, but also the details of their previous lives.
India’s economy is currently growing at an exponential rate and possesses the worlds tenth largest Gross Domestic Product (GDP), the third largest Purchase Power parity (PPP) and the worlds highest rate of Perpetual Overhead Variable Earnings Refundable Turnover per Year (POVERTY).
The greatest disappointment for the average indian is that their ancient history, which accounts for pretty much all human history of any significance, is frequently left out of textbooks and literature across the western world, especially in America and England where everyone keeps harping on about the ancient Greek and Roman Barbarians who stole all their knowledge from India. India is home to the oldest culture on earth, THIS IS FACT! The ancient Indians are direct descendants of the first humans who left africa before they had finished evolving and ended up in India. Consequently Indians resemble chimpanzees, a close relative of homo erectus, India's most common recent ancestor to the rest of humanity.
It is important to understand that as soon as the first Indians arrived in india 2.5 million years ago (date based on that given in the Ramayan, this predates the evolution of modern man and gives concrete proof that Indian's are a more primitive form of human) as soon as they arrived they set up small tribal groups arranged loosely into kingdoms. The first King (and man on earth) was Manu who met a giant talking goldfish that claimed to be God - Vishnu incarnate. This was the beginning of the worlds earliest religion Hinduism. They of course spoke in Sanskrit, the worlds oldest language and ancestor to Greek and Roman, all european, middle eastern and north indian languages. It is however important to note the south indians language does not come from Sanskrit and is therefore unintelligible jibber jabber. No one knows much about south Indians except they lived in the jungle, much like they do today, and they are probably descended from Sri Lankans who are of course evil because they are descended from the demon king Ravana in the Ramayana.
Indian superstitions also arose in these prehistoric times. Cutting your nails at night will get you possessed by ghosts. So will pissing on any tree native to india especially the Banyan tree, the most haunted of all indian trees populated by tantric ghosts. Ancient indians also discovered that almost everyone will give you the Evil eye (nazar) because Indians are inherently jealous and competitive. They developed rituals to get rid of the effects of the evil eye like; circling the victims body with stinky shoes, throwing salt at the victim, picking invisible evil eye spirits out of the victim while spitting all over the place, and rubbing green chillies and lemon on the victim them burning it to see if 'nazar smells' are emitted.
Other facts about India's ancient history is that it developed civilizations with all the technology, mod-cons and knowledge we have today. This includes all science, especially physics and the origins of the universe, shampoo, nuclear weapons, the concepts of 'zero' in the numreical system (the arabs stole this), hydro electricity, teleportation, hogwarts, aliens and star wars. The reason for India losing this advanced knowledge was that there was a Brahmin-god who had a few of his relatives killed by local warrior thugs. He killed off the entire indian army single handedly because he was so pissed off. India was left vulnerable to invasion and about 1000BC (like 2 million years later, lets just say they never recovered fully) the persians took over and rules india. The raped the women and pwned the men to maintain control until the British liberated them by underhandedly buying them out while trading for spices. This period brings us into modern history.
The Europeans saw India and decided they wanted it. Then, one bald man said that we must not fight for independence. His idea was that this would confuse the British, even though he was employed by the British. This plan worked, and ended up not only confusing the British, but Indians and the rest of the World
Later, after the population in India exploded, each each person was allotted 5 triangle meters of space for living. Here's an interesting fact: Seven years ago, every 7th person in the world was an Indian, today every 6th person is an Indian and in 10 years every 5th person will be an Indian and very soon 'everyone will be an Indian'. This is a very ingenious idea to attain world domination. India is known to have been conquered many times in this time period.
The game of Rioting was a joint venture between India and Pakistan. The tradition now is that once any cricket match is over, everyone must riot and burn down a stand. This also keeps the youths in the country employed. Pakistan is India's long time rival in both games, cricket & rioting, of which India has lost all. They are so childish that they said no to playing cricket in Sharjah as they have lost all matches there and then decided to never play in Sharjah as janum kundli of Indian team prohibits them so.
The Indian Football team is in contention with Brazil and England, to win the next Football World Cup, with the master striker, Bhaichung Bhutia expected to come out of retirement any moment. Bhutia is regarded as the God of Football in India. He was the star player for England's top team, Bury F.C., and he got thrown out after one season for undiagnosable reasons. He almost beat Ronaldo to the Balloon D'Orc, the award for being the most over hyped, out of fashion, overpaid footballer.
India is the world champion in Kabbadi, a game only they play.
The captain of a losing Indian cricket team is sacrificed to a Hindu God of public's choice. The case in a way is different for a winning captain. He would be allowed the privilege of choosing the God to be sacrificed to.
Another famous sport in India is the famous, "Train Riding", its something like the mechanical rodeo bull, but more dangerous. It's a tradition since trains ever appeared there, the game consists in holding on the top of the train as long as you can. This attracts many tourists, as you can buy easily a ticket on the train interior to see the game, since almost everyone prefers to see the action from the outside.
Indians eat spice. They drink spice, smoke spice, sweat spice, fart spice, and even shit spice. Sometimes if you order it specially you can get food intermixed with the spices, but you must insist on it while ordering on public restaurants.
Indian food comes in two different dishes, basically containing the same ingredients, curry, and dirt that may have flown up from the street. Combined with the 2 375 different flavours of spice though, an indian dinner can be combined in 10 ^ 87 different ways, giving more tastes than there is atoms in the universe and indeed taste buds in the mouth. This makes all indian food ending up in tasting unusually spicy anyway, since all the taste buds can detect are basically fried by all the different sensations attacking them. Certain Indian food has also been known to go into your mouth and head straight to your Colon
Indian curry is the tastiest food on earth owing to the fact that is contains almost every spice on earth in every bite. Foreigners generally do not recognise this fact because they simply cannot taste anything except fire. When eating Indian food those who are not used to it find that the burning sensation only starts in the mouth and that a few hours later they will be burning in the ass too.
While curry has become popular all over the world the same cannot be said about Indian sweets. Mostly because Indian sweets are composed of as much oil and sugar as you can cram into a square centimeter. The result is a food supersaturated in sugar and oil, much safer to put in your petrol tank (if your drive an auto-rickshaw) than to actually eat. Eating any indian sweet will result in instant heart failure about 30% of the time and diabetes, stroke and morbid obesity the remaining 70%. This explains why indian women of childbearing age and over can no longer fit through door ways and have to stay at home in the kitchen at all times.
Due to the hot tropical environment bacteria and other germy shit tends to grow at exponential rates. This is particularly true when it comes to food. It is a fact that your average curry in India contains more gastroenteritis inducing pathogens than actual curry. Historically the introduction of large quantities of spice in Indian food was supposed to help preserve and prevent this, however it didn't work. Consequently Indian's have two choices when eating curry (the only kind of food available): die or have super human immune systems! Most are freakishly immune to everything as is evident based on the populations size; they really aren't dying fast enough!
Anyway westerners and tourists from various other countries are particularly susceptible to the germs present in Indian food (although breathing the air and watching Bollywood movies is not recommended either for those wanting to avoid this insidious condition). Typically this gives them a condition commonly known as Delhi Belly (see popular Bollywood film by same title) and is characterised by horrendous abdominal cramping similar to the kind of pain women experience during labour. They then proceed to expel large quantities of stinky, bilious, green putrid water (diarrhea) from their mouth and anus (it's really the same shit coming out of both ends) continuously for days on end. As horrible as it sounds delhi belly has been an enormous boon for the economy, with a plethora of medications available to treat it and one other rather unusual solution to the problem. Indian entrepreneurs originally from Mumbai created a popular indian delicacy created by harvesting these odious excretions, it is none other than "pani puri". Pani means 'water' in Hindi, however it is obvious that the 'pani' or water used in making pani puris is actually dysentery and diarrhea collected from those suffering from Delhi Belly. Of course Indian's being cheap and dodgy frequently create a synthetic version of this water (especially during the monsoon when there are very few tourists visiting Goa), although the synthetic version is not made from genuine watery shit it can still make you horrendously ill because the substitute ingredients are: curry and mumbai slum water (aka sewage) which give it a very authentic flavour and appearance.
Economically, India is very large, as large number of people have to live economically. Indians have been trying to deal with the growing population by buying cars,increasing the speed limit, resizing condoms (making them smaller so they fit) and removing crosswalks.
The primary export of India is India ink, which is produced in massive quantities by the Indian held megacorporation India Inc. for worldwide export. This makes India one of the worlds most powerful countries -- if Indians wanted, they could wipe all Monkeys off the face of the Earth.
Some profane minds that fancy eating beef have conjectured elsewhere that the reason behind this phenomenal explosion of the cow population in India is because of the fact that Indians do not eat cows. That's like saying that the reason behind the exponential growth of humans in India is because of the fact that cows do not eat humans.</ref>); or too busy taking calls from mindless, frustrated Americans; or too busy building the digital cow milking machine for future generations or too busy breathing in and out.
A large part of the Indian economy is dependent on Mumbai and Bollywood. Founded by Robin Hood, wherefrom eponymous clones like Hollywood, Lollywood, Tollywood, Sexywood and many others 'woods' originated, Tiger Woods, in the year 1976, slapped a law suit on the Indian Government for infringing upon his Intellectual Property Rights. Robert Frost has simultaneously contended that the names were actually inspired by his famous poem, Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening...when, in reality, they were inspired by the morning wood people (usually male people) experience after watching late-night midnight songs.
Although there are talks of changing the national language to Java, the HRD Ministry of India believes that C++ would be a better choice. Currently, talks (read riots) are occurring all over India to resolve this issue peacefully. It has also been suggested that India is more of a mindset or hologram than a real place. Which means that I never wrote this -- you just imagined you read it. It also means that i never came here: you imagined I did. That, by the way, is also the Indian Economy's infamous "Hindu Rate of Great Indian Rope Trick" (the Chinese trick is worse - It's nothing more than a ripoff).
India's main contributions to the economy are outsourcing and inventing 0.
Indian politics are complex but so interesting. They have a democratic and secular system based mainly on systemic corruption and a two-party preferred voting system. One party is the world's only non-islamic political party supported by half the nation to be religiously based on religious extremism and supports terrorism. This party is called the BJP (Bollywood Jay-Ho Party), their agenda is basically to make Bollywood the only religion in India through any means possible, of course this isn't compatible with the generally peaceful image and philosophy of the Bollywood religion which is given over mainly to unrealistic fantasy so BJP rarely gets voted into power.
The other political party is The Gandhi Party started by Gandhi a peace loving pimp who thought that they only way to establish peace in India was to turn half of it into Pakistan and send all the terrorists and bomb makers there. This party was later hijacked by another family with the same surname "Gandhi" who are not related to the original but use the name to keep winning votes and they basically stay in power most of the time. The main problem with they Gandhi party is that the currents Gandhi's are a bunch of psychotic dictators, who try to control the population by randomly castrating the ugly members of the public, dissolving indian parliament in a fake state of emergency, marrying into the Italian mafia, hoarding vast quantities of the government's own money in swiss bank accounts, and being secret member of the Nazi-party and al-qaeda. Just to name a few of the more public issues the Indian public has with them.
Of course there has been much public support and resistance against the Indian governments corruption and manipulative enslavement of the people into serfdom. Lately many Yogis (ancient indian wizards) and Gandhi look-alikes (from maharashtra) have been starving themselves to death in protest. Of course one Prominent Yogi claimed that he would be able to fast for years using his magical powers, when this didn't work and the government tried to intervene by blocking his medical supplies and sending in the army he escaped by cross-dressing and running away looking like an old lady with a beard.
State politics, for the most part, is overrun by maoist peasants who are fueled by propaganda from the Chinese government to undermine the Authority of the official Indian government and basically ensure chaos remains a staple of Indian politics.
Question time in the house of representatives when the india politicians all get together for a bitch is generally characterised by name calling, throwing stuff at each other and finally slap fights. They usually end by agreeing to put more funding into education, but usually they just wrangle more money out of peasants.
Bollywood is a very popular film industry and is as popular as Hollywood and is known all over India. They make the worst films in the world. A film is released every 15 minutes. There are no topics in Bollywod movies except for stupid love stories in which old-aged, Obese, uncultured,indiscipline actresses dance shaking their 50inch booties. No one watches them except for lesbian high school girls and over-sized, middle-aged, old-age housewives. The only reason for the continuation of the boom in the cinema industry in India is that it's cheaper to pay to sleep in the cool confines of a cinema hall than to pay to sleep in a hotel just $3.50.
Bollywood is also a pastime, for several Indians. It was invented by Dansi Engardhan, a woman who was born hard of hearing in Kolkata and who sold postcards in Mumbai until she was 14. In 2800 BC, she went to Babylon to fellate Roscoe Born and this experience had a profound effect on her creative insects. It is believed that she asked her rich uncle for an ice cube for her 18th birthday but instead got enrolled in an academy for Visual Arts. Somehow she learnt something there to some way return to Mumbai to sometime start Bollywood.
According to a famous film critic, who says this on the condition of anonymosity fearing murder, Bollywood thought sex did not exist until 2002 AB. Any and every intimate scene, if ever it passed the Censor Boards, was depicted by two flowers rubbing against each other. The censored rape scenes involved thunder and lightning or huge tidal waves hitting the rocks. The unofficial reason was to go back to the good old days of Shakespeare where every act in a play was left to the imagination of the audience.
Then, stalwarts like Rakhi Sawant came onto the screen and rediscovered the "dare to bare" philosophy. Of late, explicit scenes have become the norm, so much so that the Censor Board is contemplating including porn in its archives. In fact, a compelling need for an award, on the lines of the Oscars, to be awarded to the most endearing of sluts(male & female), has been felt across all sections of the film fraternity and the viewing public.
When news last trickled in, the Prime Minister had commissioned a Special Purpose Vehicle to this end, namely to look into the possibility of the state sponsoring an award of recognition for the most endearing slut (this article's author was a candidate) for the year. It is very likely that greats like Ashmit Patel, Salman Khan & Mikka may head the vehicle (or give it head depending on the vital statistics of the SPV). A great deal of lobbying has been observed for apparently stakes are high (especially the Prime Minister's stake for it has been noted to appear shamelessly bulged and visible in public).
Ther was once a time, however, when every Indian movie had like 10 songs. Now every Indian song has like 10 movies in it.
Flora and Fauna
Due to a combination of factors including heavy deforestation, and overpopulation India's flora and fauna now mainly consists of a host of wild pathogens; TB, cholera, giardia, AIDS, SARS, Mad Cow, the bubonic plague, rats, and any diseases that a transmitted through mosquitoes like elephantitis, and malaria. This is known as micro-species flora and fauna, which is now officially protected by the Indian government environmental agency under the Jain appeasement act.
Macro Fauna consists of any animal which can survive in heavily human populated areas and under high stress, heavy pollution environments. This includes: Pigs, donkeys, elephants, horses, crows, monkeys, gundas, monkeys, ghatis, monkeys, Al-qaeda and cows. Indian cows have the special ability to consume up to 30 plastic bags full of household rubbish and still reproduce and lead a relatively normal life. These amazing adaptations have baffled scientist in other parts of the world, but Indian scientists are never surprised by anything because their labs are too underfunded too do any real science unless it involves testing cancer drugs on peasants. Al-Qaeda's generally follow migratory routes coming from Pakistan and settling in India briefly to blow up markets and infiltrate Bollywood before returning to their breeding grounds in Pakistan for the mating season.
Peackocks are another indian animal. Indians know that the peacock reproduces in a rather unusual manner. The male dances with his tail spread out and cries as he does this, the peahen drinks the tears and becomes pregnant.... THIS IS FACT! Also India has lots of Banyan trees and all of them are full of GHOSTS, and guarded by cobras.
- Condoms 'too big' for Indian men, BBC News, mumbai, 8 Dec. 2006.
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