In The Night Garden
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“The best thing since yesterday.”
“Sorry can't stop, I have to catch the Pinky Ponk.”
Following the unequivocal success of their CBeebies Television Channel, the Burtish Broadcasting Company of Greater Berkshire (the BBC) were looking their next quick buck. They also wanted to extend their influence beyond their natural constituency of herbally refreshed English Literature students and delinquent Sociology professors looking for easy research grant money for writing pompous rubbish for the tabloid press.
Their Big Idea? Rehash the Teletubbies merchandising idea and throw in lots of other things and stuff. Genius.
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[edit] Conception
Work on Project ‘Upsy Daisy Cutter’, as it became to be known, began in the spring of 1968. The top minds of my generation, your generation and Abe Lincoln’s dog’s generation all convened in a top secret playground in the grounds of Buckingham Palace.
After consulting her Minister of Fun Things To Make And Do, Sir Jack Bauer of Dammit, Her Majesty decided that the Kids Of Today have absolutely no idea what goes on in the real world, so a suspect gritty morality play involving torture, some amorphous terrorist threat, torture, skeletal yet oddly sexually alluring double agents, more torture, a body count in the low hundreds of thousands and a soupcon more of torture would fit the bill perfectly. They then consulted Ken Dodd, the Minister of Finance, who told them that they were skint and they would have to make do with the usual cute ‘n’ cuddly gonks running around and talking gibberish instead. ‘Leave my family out of this!’ she retorted. (Boom, and indeed, tish)
[edit] Typical Episode
Stuff happens. V-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. What do you expect in a television show designed for the under fives in the CBeebies bedtime hour?
And there are two hundred episodes of this show. My daughter will want to watch every single one of them. We are going to have so much fun. Yay.
At The End of Each Episode. Iggle Piggle runs around, the Voiceover guy will tell him to go to bed. In Unreleased Deleted Scenes, Iggle Piggle is Raped by the Voiceover guy behind the set.
In The Night Garden is written by unhappy, overweight balding men who still live with their mothers. Clearly, judging by the non-sensical words and bizzare creatures, the writers are also gibbering madmen who smoke/snort/drink various kinds of hallucianting drugs on a regualer basis.the whole series is based on 1969 acid trip.
[edit] Characters
Iggle Piggle – Blue bear-like thing, big fan of red blankets and the sauce. Designed to be a future role model for the dipsomaniacs amongst us. Just look at that sloppy grin and way he can’t walk three steps without falling over. And the way he lusts after Upsy Daisy after he’s had a few is just an utter disgrace. I’ve half a mind to write to my MP about this.
Upsy Daisy – Dolly with Medusa hair and a nice line in monomania. She also seems to have a complex on off relationship with iggle piggle. She used to work in upskirt peep shows but quit because she wasn't being payed what she asked for.
Tombliboos – There are three of them and they sleep together in a big bush. They fill their days putting on their trousers, brushing their teeth and going to sleep. Bloody students – why don’t they get a job?
Makka Pakka – Resident intellectual and compulsive cleaner, also a Costa Rican Hitman, noteable for his work, he is also wanted in several countries for assulting MP's with a pink sponge like object.
Pontipines – There are red ones and blue ones, they’re little and there are hundreds of them. I can guarantee come Christmas, your sproglet(te) will want a Pontipine playset and half of them will be lost come Boxing Day.
Haahoos – Brightly coloured pillows. They just sort of lollop about being big brightly coloured pillows. These actors spent four years in RADA! Four years! And they get to play a pillow! Snortle.
Mr Voiceover Man - one more time, Mr Jacobi:
Makka Pakka, Akka Wakka, Mikka Makka moo!
Makka Pakka, Appa yakka, Ikka akka, ooo
Hum dum, Agga pang, Ing, ang, ooo
Makka Pakka, Akka wakka, Mikka Makka moo!
GO TO FUCKING BED IGGLE PIGGLE
Mr Derek Jacobi is a respected Shakespearean ac-tor.
[edit] International Reaction
Colonel Edgarallina Po, Leader of the Diktatorat of the neighbouring People’s Republic Of Teletubbyland, was quoted in a LA Times article of 20th July 2011 that she was ‘…incredibly annoyed and saddened by the premeditated and unprovoked attack on her country’s merchandising mines and that she would be considering her next move just as soon as she had finished mucking about on her scooter.’ The President of The United States has since raised the nuclear threat level to Def Con 2 and is consulting her therapist.
[edit] Public Reaction
To say public reaction was mixed would be something or other, but definitely mixed. Kids love it, and I guess that’s all that counts round these parts. At the time of the writing Jimmy Carr and that bizarre over-jolly comedienne they always ask are swotting up on the finer points of Tombliboo poetry so they can bore us senseless with their artless fartery and half-arsed opinions on ‘I Love 2007 – Now Where’s My Cheque?’ These lovely people don’t just want to witter aimlessly on how fantastic things were back in 1977, they want to appropriate your childhood, my childhood and our children’s childhoods. And for the record? Spacehoppers and Spangles were utter rubbish.
