In The Night Garden

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“The best thing since yesterday.”
~ The Daily Idiot
“Sorry can't stop, I have to catch the Pinky Ponk.”
~ Office Worker
“HOOGA-BOOGA! Isn't that a pip! Iggle Piggle iggle onk!”
~ That stupid Narrator who doesn't talk sense
“They just Roll Around and they Don't Do Much!”
~ 40 Year Old Virgin on the Haahoos

Following the unequivocal success of their CBeebies Television Channel, the Burtish Broadcasting Company of Greater Berkshire (the BBC) were looking their next quick buck. They decided to have a nature documentary that would be aired during the Cbeebies Bedtime hour. The nature documentary is filmed in the Beeb's retard forest (see Doctor Who - Time of Angels), and a strange man narrates the adventures of the main Characters, Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy, both convicted druggies

Their Big Idea? Rehash the Teletubbies merchandising idea and throw in lots of other things and stuff. Genius.

Murder in the Night Garden

Isn't that a pip!

edit Conception

Work on Project ‘Upsy Daisy Cutter’, as it became to be known, began in the spring of 1968. The top minds of my generation, your generation and Abe Lincoln’s dog’s generation all convened in a top secret playground in the grounds of Buckingham Palace.

After consulting her Minister of Fun Things To Make And Do, Sir Jack Bauer of Dammit, Her Majesty decided that the Kids Of Today have absolutely no idea what goes on in the real world, so a suspect gritty morality play involving torture, some amorphous terrorist threat, torture, skeletal yet oddly sexually alluring double agents, more torture, a body count in the low hundreds of thousands and a soupcon more of torture would fit the bill perfectly. They then consulted Ken Dodd, the Minister of Finance, who told them that they were skint and they would have to make do with the usual cute ‘n’ cuddly gonks running around and talking gibberish instead. ‘Leave my family out of this!’ she retorted. (Boom, and indeed, tish)

edit Typical Episode

Stuff happens. V-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, then out of nowhere, everyone joins in a mass anal-train and, then, they sing a song about love and shit like that. What do you expect in a television show designed for the under fives in the CBeebies bedtime hour?

And there are two hundred episodes of this show. My daughter will want to watch every single one of them. We are going to have so much fun. Yay.

At The End of Each Episode. Igglepiggle runs around, the Voiceover guy will tell him to go to bed. In The Night Garden is written by unhappy, overweight balding men who still live with their mothers. Clearly, judging by the non-sensical words and bizzare creatures, the writers are also gibbering madmen who smoke/snort/drink various kinds of hallucianting drugs on a regular basis. The whole series is based on one of Syd Barrett's 1969 acid trips.

edit Characters

Igglepiggle – Blue bear-like thing, big fan of red blankets and the sauce. Designed to be a future role model for the dipsomaniacs amongst us; just look at that sloppy grin and way he can’t walk three steps without falling over. And the way he lusts after Upsy Daisy after he’s had a few is just an utter disgrace! (I’ve half a mind to write to my MP about this). He regularly departs from the Night Garden without a life jacket in a boat poorly equipped with navigational lights, contrary to the Rules of the Sea. He never advises the harbourmaster or coast guard about his intended destination. Should you wish to criticise this reckless behaviour please write to his IP address.

Just An Iggle Robbery

Iggle Piggle is very persuasive.

Upsy Daisy – Dolly with Medusa hair and a nice line in monomania. Sleeps in an unusual, drop-sided, wheeled bed, with a discreet, patented steering system. She seems to have a complex on-off relationship with Igglepiggle. She used to work in upskirt peep shows but quit because she wasn't being paid what she asked for. A typical line of conversation by Upsy Daisy is as follows: "Upsy Daisy! Daisy Doo! Ooo! Upsy Daisy! Awww. Daisy Doo? Awww. Ooo! Upsy Daisy!"

Suicide rates by those who engage in conversation with Upsy Daisy are well over 80%.

Tombliboos – There are three of them in the garden and they sleep together in a big bush with internal gantries, possibly declared surplus by some international trade fair. They fill their days putting on their trousers, brushing their teeth and going to sleep. They do not understand the purpose of washing lines, frequently pegging trousers thereon with no prior cleaning activity. Bloody students – why don’t they get a job?

Makka Pakka – Creepy little fat weirdo who pushes an "ogg-pog" around and is obsessed with washing rocks and faces with a sponge and soap. Loves to say his name over and over and blow his horn (and possibly Igglepiggle's as well). His home appears to be positioned in a gulley without regard to flood risks, suggesting that he might be poorly advised or amphibious (or both).

Pontipines – There are red ones and blue ones, they’re little and there are fucking hundreds of them. Well actually the red ones are called the Pontipines and the blue ones are called Wottengers. The two gangs have been rivals since the late 1970s and since then, they have been fighting for turf in the night garden, especially in the South-Central sectors. Nobody knows when this gang warfare will end, or why they started fighting in the first place, but we do know is that the combined death toll is roughly 187,000 as of NYD 2011. As with many criminals elsewhere in the universe, they believe that they can appear innocent by inhabiting a semi-detached house with a tidy front garden. Sadly their home is constructed above tree roots and liable to serious subsidence.

Haahoos – Brightly coloured pillows possibly filled with helium (These dancers spent four years in RADA! Four years! And they get to play a pillow! Snortle). They just sort of lollop about, being big brightly coloured pillows, and are normally tethered during daylight hours to keep the airspace free for the colourful airship known locally as the Pinky Ponk.

Mr Voiceover Man - one more time, Mr Jacobi:

Makka Pakka, Akka Wakka, Mikka Makka moo!

Makka Pakka, Appa yakka, Ikka akka, ooo

Hum dum, Agga pang, Ing, ang, ooo

Makka Pakka, Akka wakka, Mikka Makka moo!


Mr Derek Jacobi is a respected Shakespearean ac-tor.

edit International Reaction

Colonel Edgarallina Po, Leader of the Diktatorat of the neighbouring People’s Republic Of Teletubbyland, was quoted in a LA Times article of 20th July 2011 that she was ‘…incredibly annoyed and saddened by the premeditated and unprovoked attack on her country’s merchandising mines and that she would be considering her next move just as soon as she had finished mucking about on her scooter.’ The President of The United States has since raised the nuclear threat level to Def Con 2 and is consulting her therapist.

edit Public Reaction

To say public reaction was mixed would be something or other, but definitely mixed. Kids love it, and I guess that’s all that counts round these parts. At the time of the writing Jimmy Carr and that bizarre over-jolly comedienne they always ask are swotting up on the finer points of Tombliboo poetry so they can bore us senseless with their artless fartery and half-arsed opinions on ‘I Love 2007 – Now Where’s My Cheque?’ These lovely people don’t just want to witter aimlessly on how fantastic things were back in 1977, they want to appropriate your childhood, my childhood and our children’s childhoods. And for the record? Spacehoppers and Spangles were utter rubbish. Hentai Kids Was the first show to beat In The Night Gardens 63.7 viewers!

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