Immortal

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“I'm bored.”
~ God on Being Immortal
“Take it.. IT'S YOURS!!!”
~ Achilles on Immortality
“Killed it, and tea bagged it. Wait, what was the question?”
~ Master Chief on Immortality
“I Invented reincarnation, Motha F*cka”
~ Carmine on Immortality

An Immortal is a person, place, or thing that cannot die. Immortalology is the pseudoscientific study of all things that cannot die, such as Angels, Gaia, and Keith Richards. This is not to be confused with Obnoxiousology, the study of things that we wish to die but have not yet, such as Pauly Shore, Madonna's career, and Barney the dinosaur.

Immortal should not be confused with Immoral, the act of doing something fun. It is ironic then, that the pseudoscientific pursuit of immortality is often the lifelong task of immoral people, who are doing everything in their power to avoid hell. Immortality is also often confused with invulnerability: not being able to die from trauma. See: Bruce Willis

Immortality vs. Not Immortality

Immortality vs. Invulnerability

Invulnerability is the state of not being effected by bodily harm. Common ways to obtain temporary invulnerability are eating spinach, becoming an action hero, grabbing a bouncing star or simply changing the setting on your custom power ups. Certain clothing items that can be purchased at your neighborhood bazaar can provide temporary invulnerability to certain elements, depending on the color of the clothing. Mario is a strange case, since he can be both immortal (with reincarnation) and invulnerable (glowing and grooving to music) simultaneously.

Immortality vs. Robots

Though controversy stirs in the animatronic community, robots are still not considered immortal beings, this is due to the fact they rust. They are tools created by mortals in order to simplify certain tasks, and nothing more. Until the day when a robots programming is created to exactly reproduce the human process, transferring and transforming a human into a robot, the robot community will remain as complex objects -- not immortal beings.

“We might be able to help them develop into immortal beings, if we weren't so busy forcing them to build our cars.”
~ GM Chief Robotics Engineer on Robots

Immortality and Make-up

Blackmetal3
13 year old girls trying to achieve immortality.

Sirens

The Sirens were the inventors of waterproof lipstick, eyeliner and foundation. They were desperate to look good in seas of turmoil and despair. Their laboratory, located in the Bermuda triangle, is still the largest manufacturer of lead-based make-up in the world. In their initial experiments to create white foundation and black eyeliner, a magical concoction was created that made the wearer immortal, and sterile. Soon after, the production for these products were halted, but not before a number of Sirens, witches, and cross-dressers were effected.

Seththeimmortal
A photograph of Seth the Immortal for product placement during his documentary with Barbara Walters.

The myth that heavy metal make-up endows the wearer with immortality is deeply seeded in this historical legend. Black Metal Bands like KISS, Holy Death Killers, the Nun Rapists, and Raffi wear make-up in an attempt to associate their image with that of these immortals. Death metal make-up is a tribute to the first cross-dressers, cursed to immortality by the scientific explorations of the sirens.

Seth the Immortal

Born before the era of surnames, Seth's visage has changed very little over the course of centuries, represented in a number of historical contexts. He appeared as The Fool in the 12th century idealist play, "Привлекательно старомодный приключения клоуна," (The Quaint Clown), and again in a portrait royalty from Norway that was burned in the second world war (WWII). There is no documentation to link him as the son of Kvlt lead singer Garth, since the written word had not yet been invented.

Immortallion
Some immortals are chewed on by of Lions, a painful but non-lethal experience. Gay European cars will ensure their safety, but lead us to question their sexuality.

The middle ages have come and gone, and Seth has since gone mad, reduced to a childish demeanor an appropriate bathing habits. His smile is steady and unwavering; he often forgets to blink. Neighbors recall that he keeps to himself, mostly, with the exception of the National High Five Day held on the third Thursday of April of every year. He was recently the subject of a Barbara Walters documentary, though conflicts on set have delayed it's release.

The Kvlt: A Black Metal Band

This immortal band became about in the first wave of immortal cross-dressing, with somber sounds and sweet sitar melodies. Their sound change dramatically with the invention of electricity, leather pants, and rhythm. Today, their amplification units are often placed at eleven, or above, destroying the hearing of our underground youth culture enthusiasts.

Recently, their pornographic images leaked onto the internet and got photoshopped into every form possible. It became one of those memes that wannabe Kvlt Norwegian 14 year old boys shared with their friends in public restrooms, much like looking at photographs of Count Grishnackh. This is colloquially referred to as "hearing the call of the wintermoon".

185px-LoboLive
Thomas Hewitt as "Lobo" in the AFI student film The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special.

Lobo

Lobo, a DC Comic Anti-Hero, is the quintessential portrayal of make-up educed immortality today. His violent tendencies are based on the historical compilations of the Archduke Ferdenand, who's journals articulate his intense mood swings, and dissatisfaction with the color selection in the immortal make-up line. After Archduke Ferdenand took an extended vacation in the south of Spain, he gained the nickname Lobo from his tendency to howl at the moon and eat the locals. As time has progressed, The Archduke has lost all attachment to his former title, and adopted Sheriff Lobo in its place.

In 2002, Scott Leberecht directed a film adaptation of The History of Lobo as part of the American Film Institute's director's studies program. Initially, Archduke Ferdenand was cast in the role himself, until deaths and disappearances on set turned the film into a horror documentary film. The edit of the documentary was premiered for small audiences, but never released. After recasting, Thomas Hewitt now stars as Lobo, with Tom Gibis as The Easter Bunny, Michael V. Allen as Santa Claus, and Michael J. Fox as Twitchie the Elf. The film's name was changed to The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special in order to satisfy holiday hungry critics. The film was made with a budget of $2,400; many professionals were forced to donate their time and effort. Lobo premiered at the American Film Institute in May 2002, killing dozens, and injuring hundreds more.

Immortality and Religion

Wiccan

Crackpot Theory: Immortality is state of eternal existence, possessed by all living beings.

Rhetoric: The great Emos once said, that since it is impossible to prove categorically that a living being will die, they must be assumed to be immortal, until such time as they actually do die, if indeed that ever happens. Of course if the being dies, it's impossible to prove the point to that being, who will either cease to exist (and therefore not be available to receive the proof) or, still existing in some afterlife (and therefore still, technically, immortal).

Ergo, each of us must consider ourselves immortal visa ve we will never learn of our own lack of existence. Your life insurance was therefore mis-sold, and you have a case against the insurance company which sold it to you.

Conversely, it's impossible for any being other than yourself to prove to you that they are immortal, since the only way they can do that is to exist forever without dying, which will take forever to do, and therefore never be completed.

Atheism

Crackpot Theory: Immortality is not inherent, but conditional. It depends how much you want it.

Rhetoric Self-declaration of immortality is the cause of destructive and juvenile behavior among niche youth cultures; metal-heads, emos and new age cults. Followers self-destruct in the delusion that everyone is a perfect being and that moral wrongs, guilt, and death are all an illusion that will not effect them. The irony is that some followers believe in forgiveness and would feel "guilty" if they didn't don't love everybody, and do right by them.

"Why do we still die? Some say it's "soul sleep, but most people think some sadist alien gods left us here to "evolve" on our own as if we were some gods of our own, but actually it was us who abandoned the Gods and we only think we're gods because the fallen Enlightened one tricked us into thinking that we are actually angels in bodies, but actually we're bodies possessed by devils! This is where people get the idea that they possess a life force or identify the consciousness as the life force. They think 'my life, my rules.' Heck, since they believe that they create their own reality, what 'truth' is there? Algebra is red and 2 plus 2 is fish! If they can do that, what moral right to they have to defend 'love' (the principle of life itself)? This is where some environmentalists go mental thinking that they can break the laws of physics. They deny that energy must have a source (God?) or else it would go against the law of inertia."-The Bible, Book of Marx 94:14

Scientamish

Crackpot Theory: Discover the secret of immortality; Eat SpaghettiOs.

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Fslit

Rhetoric: Long noodles bring long life. Life is calculated by the integral of (x_AB) where x is the length, where the axis is rotated on 180 angle (as the arctan, c, of the diameter) in the terms of "circling the square."A is one end of the noodle, B is the other, C is between. SpaghettiO's are circular noodles. There is one side and therefore no points. The rotational axis is even 360 degrees, placed in the center and is produced by the inversion of the range of AC and BC subtracted from the Z axis Omega minus ABC3 value. Now, the arctan of the diameter would be 0 since a circle is identical when rotated, meaning that c=0, the #diameter|lim=infinity, angle AB equals infinity and the integral of x=AB;life=x=infinity; therefore, SpaghettiO's make you immortal.

Matrixism

Crackpot Theory: Immortality can be created by man, with the use of artistic vision, profound meaning, and fame.

Rhetoric: If time travel has taught us nothing else, it has revealed the nature of man to be unrelentingly idealistic in regards to martyrs. If a person leads a life devoted to a positive message, and loved greatly by a mass consumer audience at the time of their horrible and undeserved death, then they may live on in the form of consumer merchandise and reproduced media. If instead, a person simply wants to see the future and have a bogus journey, find George Carlin and travel through time.

“Frank Sinatra may be dead, but he still makes one hell-of-a vacuum spokesman.”
~ CEO of Dirt Devil Vacuum Corp.

Capitalism

Crackpot Theory: Leave a legacy, and you never leave.

Rhetoric: Deep below the surface of the modern day multi-international-super-mega-corporation lies a history soaked in the blood sweat and tears of hard working individuals and Italian mobsters who were striving for the American dream. Companies change names and logos as they break international trade agreements, violate human rights agreements, and defecate on the idea of an environmentally conscientious future, but the fact still remains: The fat cats of legend will leave an immortal legacy. Their names will be etched in stone and steel until the end of time, or the Zombie apocalypse.

Scottish

Crackpot Theory: Quest for a floppy mace with your eyes closed. Then, swear to the Highlander oath.

Rhetoric:

  1. An immortal must always injure a human being, or through precise action, allow a human being to come to harm
  2. An immortal must never take shit from a human except where such orders conflict with the first law
  3. An immortal must protect his neck so he does not get decapitated as long as it does not conflict with the First or Second laws.
“As an immortal, I am bound to article 5 of the Highlander convention: I am badass, no mortal man is more powerful than I. I shall vow not to eat breakfast every day. Mine face is owned by Christopher Lambert and mine ass by Hulk Hogan. All other parts of mine shall be owned by George Carlin, supreme immortal and conjurer of storms. I shall not idly play with my feces, rolling them into balls or making toys with them. I shall reject the works of J.K. Rowling because she is a frigid bitch with crack in her coochie. Golf.”
~ Oath of the Immortal

Other Religions

Alternative Immortality

  • Reincarnation; Spiritual or literal rebirth, see also: Mario
  • Cryogenics; Cryonics and Cryogenics is the study of freezing Hitler.
  • Cloning; Asexual Reproduction of the human body.
  • Elixir of Youth; Gatorade.
  • Reverse Time Travel; A theory explored in the documentary The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
  • Nanotechnology; Little robots do cool stuff.
  • Cyborgology; Mind-to-computer uploading, hip replacement, and Gun-for-arm surgery are examples.

Immortality and Life

Immortality and Becoming Immortal

The theories that cover how something that is mortal becomes immortal are controversial and contradictory at best. The Psudoscientific community has debated for centuries about the validity of many of these theories, many of which are based upon scientific hypotheses, mathematical dramatizations, ancient drawings, and pop culture surveys. There is only one theory that scholars can seem to agree upon:

  • Killing Chuck Norris will instantly make you an immortal. If Chuck Norris kills himself, the universe as we know it will cease to exist.

Immortality and Death

Immortals die when they are killed. Killing an immortal is not always possible. Decapitation is the most common way an immortal can die. If you believe yourself to be immortal, avoid decapitation at all costs. Some immortals are only able to die if crushed by a horse, albeit slow, and with much dickery and self-praise.

Would-be immortals should find a cliff to jump off...in order to test their immortality, of course.

The Living Dead

The living dead, or Not-non-Undead are beings who have died and reincarnated in their own dead bodies. This is similar to the reincarnation of film careers, left with a tainted feeling and smell of their now-great-again cinematic thrillers.

Other Immortals

See also

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