Immaculate Conception

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Madonna, shown here, is widely accepted as the mother of Christ, but never did any of that stuff that your mom did.

The Immaculate Conception is a doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church that not only was Jesus Christ totally unacquainted with any practice of sin, but he was unacquainted with anyone who was acquainted with it. That is, not only was he conceived in a process not involving nudity, foreplay, or penetration, but so was his mother. Jesus, therefore, was not just a result of a virgin birth, but was the son of a mother who was also a result of such a birth. There was no hanky-panky anywhere in the vicinity.

To be fair, Joseph, the father of Jesus, once jewed a carpentry client out of a hundred shekels on a siding job.

edit How the Immaculate Conception works

Madonna and child

Many women swear by the Immaculate Conception as a way to become a parent without the usual mess and discomfort.

In an Immaculate Conception, God points a finger at the object of His desire, much as he did in that marvelous portrait by Michael Angelo. There is an "ejaculation" of electricity through that erect joint. It enters the woman and swims up her, into the womb, playing the role that the sperm plays in more pedestrian couplings.

It is unlikely that this tiny jolt would induce the mother's 23 chromosomes to replicate into a full set, as neither the Virgin Mary nor the Very Virgin Jesus is ever alleged to have had effects of chromosome-doubling, nor is touched by rumors of incest. For example, both mother and child, by all accounts, had exactly ten fingers. Instead, God (being omniscient, omnipotent, etc.) would have chosen a complete genome to stick into the woman. This divine DNA would code for piety, devotion, renunciation of material wealth, utter lack of libido, and so on. Also the beautiful curly hair and alabaster-white skin in which Jesus is always portrayed, which must have shocked the Hell out of all the Semites in His neighborhood.

edit How the Immaculate Conception was sold to Mary


The Madonna tried many different techniques.

The Virgin Mary tried many different techniques to "get lucky," as neither pheromones nor make-up was very advanced in the time of the Bible. There were not even columnists for the lovelorn, and talk radio was in its infancy, so she could not turn to it for advice either, not even to fellow Catholic Larry Kudlow. At length, she asked the Angel Gabriel how she could ever become the mother of the promised Messiah. "Gabby," as he was known at the time, considered and rejected recourse to a turkey baster or stealing someone else's baby. He finally declared that God would "get 'er done" in His own sweet time (Luke 1:34-38). And damned if He didn't.

edit Modern scholarship

Non-Catholics sometimes mistake the Immaculate Conception for the Virgin Birth, and thus live their entire lives in sad confusion. The concepts are completely different. The Virgin Mary had two human parents. They simply never fucked.

Rabbinical scholars at the Firesign Theatre have mistakenly referred to this doctrine as the Presumptuous Assumption. In recent times, the consequences of the doctrine have only been pursued by ecclesiastical expert Monty Python.

The modern Roman Catholic Church has always upheld both the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception and the Virgin Birth. When it isn't busy insisting that grape Kool-Aid is really blood and Ritz crackers are really human flesh.

edit See also

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