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- You may never have heard of Ilkeston. Do not be alarmed - you probably haven't heard of London or Sleaford either.
- 'Ilkeston' is really any one of many towns in England. People from across the land will recognise this, even though you don't.
- You may not find this page funny. This is because you have little or no sense of humour (Maybe humor is more your thing, eh?)
In order to make this page seem funnier, you may want to replace the word 'Ilkeston' with 'Your Mom', 'coal mine' and 'town' with 'crack whore', and 'Tesco' with 'Me'.
“Vee vill destroy zem all. Muhahahahahahah!”
Ilkeston, or Ilson to its lazier inhabitants, is a large coal mine in The People's Republic of the East Midlands that doubles as the stationary point about which the binary cities of Nottingham and Derby orbit. Operated by Tesco (who purchased the town in 1997 from previous owners Millwall FC), the town is home to some eighteen million people, almost all of whom are involved in some form of criminal activity.
Ilkeston is widely regarded as the UK's primary cannabis producer (see below) and is also the site of the world's first privately-financed workhouse, built by Tesco in 2006 to replace the original Ilkeston workhouse, which was built in 1066 by Benjamin Disraeli.
Ilkeston is well-known across Derbyshire for many reasons, and has many nicknames, one being "inbred slum" and by many others such as "shithole", "that dodgy place near thinmgymabob", "scumdump" and "boys were black take a detour".
Ilkeston is an ancient settlement, with written records dating from at least last Wednesday and archaeological evidence predating even that. Since little is known of the founding of the town, local historians cannot agree on a theory, and will often meet en masse in the town center (usually on a Friday night) to debate the point. These debates usually end badly, with at least four of the participants hospitalised and an occasional death from gunshot wounds.
Fortunately, as time went on the people of Ilkeston were gradually infiltrated by outsiders, who brought with them intelligence, fresh fruit, and an overriding drive to make lists (this last being traceable to Erik the Puce, a Viking marauder who stopped off for some weed in AD 850, and ended up marrying a local market stall). Shortly after this, the people of Ilkeston began to record the passing of events.
Great Fire of Ilkeston
Unfortunately however, these detailed records were in fact destroyed in the Great Fire of Ilkeston, a fictitious event that didn't take place in AD 2188, and that didn't burn anything except the records. The whole account is highly questionable, leading some to wonder whether the records were merely lost, with the whole “fire” thing being a cover up by Tesco and the local council.
By the 13th century the people of Ilkeston had, by virtue of their export power in the region, become quite a sophisticated lot, and had invented alcohol, thermodynamics, and pub brawls. Rising popularity of the latter was noted by the authorities, and in AD 1215 the town was awarded a Charter to hold an Annual Fair, at which “woulde bee muche merree-mayking, danceeinge, amusemeynte and fiyhting, particylarlee on the fridee”. The first such fair (in that same year) saw a spectacular opening ceremony, MC'd by God and with Mariah Carey dressed as Robocop. This was televised live by the BBC and later became the critically-acclaimed comedy series, “One Foot in the Grave”.
The period 1999 to yesterday is commonly termed the “Modern Era of Ilkeston” by those historians who weren't killed or wounded in last Friday's debate. Tracing a reliable history even of this short period is fraught with difficulty, however, owing largely to the fact that many Ilkestonians are too stoned to remember last night, let alone last year. In the words of medallion-covered A-Teamster and one-time Mayor of Ilkeston Mr. T, “I'm too stoned to remember last night, let alone last year. Fool.”
Concentrating on the immediate period between last night and now, many historians have drawn the immediate conclusion that, to all intents and purposes, nothing has ever happened in Ilkeston. Unless today happens to be the second Thursday of the month, when half the roads are closed to allow the grass verges to be cut.
Ilkeston is the site of the world's first privately-financed workhouse, built under a Private Finance Initiative (PFI) introduced by central government which aimed to cut costs by leasing back privately-funded public buildings from third parties for extortionate rates, at the expense of the taxpayer. The new workhouse provides a safe, oppressive environment for billions of poor children from the surrounding Cotmanhay and Kirk Hallam districts, who come to be worked to death by heartless Dickensian characters.
Although the scheme was agreed several years ago, the workhouse was not built until 2006, owing to delays, strikes, and leaves on the line. The funding was provided by Tesco and in March of that year work commenced on the replacement for Ilkeston's original workhouse, which had served the local authorities well since it was built by Benjamin Disraeli in AD 1066.
The workhouse is operated at a loss by the dimwitted and incompetent local council, who are forced to pay a monthly tithe to the building's owners. The chief products produced by the little urchins are graffiti and vehicle crime, both of which are exported in quantity to neighboring Nottingham and Derby, as well as less-neighboring Leicester, Manchester, and occasionally even further afield.
Ilkeston also receives foreign aid in the form of Social Security Benefits. These benefits are paid by foreign powers (primarily, the United Kingdom) directly to Ilkeston's inhabitants as a way to keep international relations nicey-nice, and provide a cash-flow economy enabling Ilkestonians to import beer and drugs at internationally-agreed prices (for a more in-depth treatment of this subject, see Economy).
Ilkeston is widely regarded as an International Center of Excellence in both the scientific and industrial practices involved in production of high-grade Cannabis Sativa for human consumption. Ilkeston constantly sets the standard by which others in the field are measured, and stays ahead of the pack thanks to continual innovation and it's free export of large quantities of military-strength Marijuana to it's happily stoned allies. Produced in Ilkeston's many high-tech horticultural facilities, which can be found in bedrooms, attics and basements (or any combination) of almost every building in the Ilkeston area, this “wicked weed” (after the commonly-heard proclamation “Fucking hell, that's wicked weed, man!”) is key to Ilkeston's economy, and along with the social security (see Poor Relief, above) provides the main flow of cash into the town, thus keeping Tesco in thumbscrews and new superstores for yet another year.
Scrap Metal Industry
Ilkeston is also home to the largest concentration of one-man scrap metal operations in the world. The variety of disused industrial sites around the area, coupled with the strong sense of urban decay and desolation encourage so-called scrappers (or, locally, tatters) to provide buoyancy in the economy by recycling parts of other companies' stock, equipment and infrastructure (occasionally, even after it is disused). This frees up valuable space and allows insurance claims to be made, with the tatters themselves making no charge for the service and taking care to work as discreetly as possible, often by torchlight in the dead of night, so as not to disturb normal business processes.
The equipment thus freed is sold on to the powerful MalZin Alliance, an amalgamation of two ancient tribes of scrap merchants who together hold a Tesco-bestowed monopoly on scrap dealings in the area. The money returned from such sales allows the tatters to purchase beer and drugs, thus completing the circle of life. Unfortunately, this state of affairs also encourages a thriving black market in scrap goods, with higher prices paid by the 'illegal' merchants (i.e. Those not recognised by Tesco). This especially applies to scrap items that are in one piece and still operate, and especially to new scrap items (wrapped and boxed scrap items recovered from, for example, Tesco can fetch anything up to half the retail price of the item, although one-third is more common today).
Local Landmarks and Attractions
Ilkeston has many well-known landmarks and places of interest, including:
- The Market Place - Tesco took the inspired step of using this large expanse of prime commercial space in the center of town as an open concourse between the pubs that border it. This removed the need for unsightly market stalls and crushed many small traders under the pressure of international big business, and so was widely lauded as a masterstroke.
- St. Mary's Church - Built in around BC 15,000,000 by the Druids as a place to keep their Sun God, and later stolen by the Church of England. Visitors are invited to climb about a billion cold, hard, slippery stone steps in order to obtain a “birds-eye” view of the town's main fucking/fighting/puking arena (see Market Place, above).
- Stanton - Where once was a thriving industry now stands mile after mile of dismal, dead, polluted wasteground. This area provides especial interest for Ornithologists, who come to see the many mutated species of bird present thanks to extensive cyanide poisoning of the soil.
- Barry Noball's Bingo Hall - Believed to be the most efficient crematorium on Earth. Every weeknight thousands of old ladies flock there, and few are ever seen to leave.
- Hope Street - Famous as the site of the 'Hope Street studios, where the Beatles' album of the same name was recorded.
- The Miners Arms - Being a coalmining town, Ilkeston once had a vast statue of a miner situated near the A6096 roundabout at the top of Nottingham Road. Being made of bronze, this statue has long since been broken up and scrapped by local scrap (or 'tat') entrepreneurs, so that now only the arms (made of reinforced plastic to facilitate the original 'pickaxe' motion of the statue) remain. They can be seen at the site of the old statue, except occasionally when they are moved by naughty children.
- The sky - The sky in Ilkeston is, for reasons scientists do not yet understand, five times larger than the sky in any other part of the known multiverse. This has the effect that, because Ilkeston's sky is less dense than the surrounding sky it floats to the top, and is thus some fifteen inches higher than average sky level. Although residents rarely notice this difference, visitors to the town often report a 'falling' sensation, not unlike that experienced when tripping down a step, on first arriving.
Ilson's first Delicacy
After first opening a pub in Tenerife a local hot spot for Ilkestonians to quench their thirst and supplement their natural ability for mugging and robbery John Smith gave up his bar stool at the Flower Pot on 1325AD to take a boat trip overseas. On his travels he found and fell in love with a another Ilkestonian, by the name of Pocahontas. She had been swimming in the locks one summers day when someone shouted Jungle bunny and opened the gates as she jumped. The wild rush of water she landed in took here spinning past Tesco shopping trollies and Gudgin way down the canal and across the ocean about 10 mins before John Smith turned up on the shore. Armed with a sack of potatoes they stole from this strange place the two paddled back to the metropolis where the sky felt slightly bigger for some reason. On his return John Smith was given the news that the Flower Pot and his stool had been demolished to make way for a high point for people to throw each other off. Soon after the couple rented a small terraced house on Market St. Later to be known by all major food producing countries and chefs like Gordon of the Ramsey as La Rue du Chip. They started experimenting with this strange object by slicing and frying producing a perfect addition to a Pint and a fight on a weekend evening.