From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Apple™ iEye™ is a bionic visual data management system device produced by Apple Computers™ around Christmas time. It is used to record, store and playback visual information, as well as to enhance the sense of sight beyond the capabilities of the primitive human eye. Until its release, the iEye was to be called the iBall, or the iEye Captain.
Installation of an iEye™ requires highly invasive surgery, performed under iAnaesthetic™ by an Apple-approved iSurgeon™. The user's human eyes are ejected, and an interface is grafted onto the stem of the optic nerve. This interface allows for future upgrading of the iEye™ itself. A latest version iEye™ is then attached to the interface via bluetooth connection or a nano-usb cable for elite iClients. When the user wakes up, they often find themselves dizzy, nauseous and pretty hungry. The effects soon pass as the user becomes used to the new iEye and the highly interactive features it offers. The patient may feel a vague sort of agony for a few days which can be expediated with the use of iDrugs™.
The iEye™ contains many notable features.
The iEye™ contains a high-resolution 16 megapixel charged-couple device (CCD) similar to those found in a digital camera. This is capable of producing an image of up to 20 times higher resolution than the average "20/20 vision" human eye. The rings of Saturn can be viewed on a clear night which is a romantic setting for couples who both have iEye installed. The device's zoom function is activated by the user squinting their eyelids and craning their neck.
The iEye™ enables users to record visual data, which can be stored on the iEye's™ internal 10Gb hard drive, or Quicktime™-encoded and uploaded to iSights.com™, Apple's™ revolutionary new website where users can share their favourite sights with friends and strangers around the world. None of your contacts will miss a single second of your lunch or daily commute if you stream your iEye vision in real time on facebook. All iSights™ recorded with the iEye, whether uploaded to iSight.com™ or not, immediately become the copyright of AppleCorps™.
In addition to the iEye's™ recording capability, users can also watch their favourite iSights™ directly on their iEye™, in full true-3D stereo vision. Creative users will find iBrush indispensable software for editing iEye videos. One can instantly remove unwanted objects or skin blemishes and add new features to the background such as flowers or maybe a beach.
The iEye™ is currently only available in Japan and Romania, with a global launch anticipated in time for last Christmas. Apple™ together with Groupon are offering a special iSurgery™ service where consumers buying an iEye™ for a loved one can arrange to have the system installed by stealth while the recipient sleeps the night of Christmas Eve. The Groupon page evokes Christmas magic: "Imagine your child's delight when he/she awakes on Christmas morning to find their new iEye™ installed and ready to use!"
The iEye software needs to be updated regularly. During this time the iEye cannot function normally, effectively leaving the user blind. It is recommended that the user spend the time reflecting on life while listening to calm music such as Celine Dion albums or some oriental elevator music.
The future of the iEye
Apple hopes to eventually replace ears, noses and tastebuds with more sophisticated iSenses. The possibilities for connecting different sensory organs to one's tablet or social media is limitless. Imagine being able to share how your Japanese breakfast tasted with your cousin in Oklahoma. Keep an eye on Apple. The iEye is only the beginning.
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
|iPods:||iPod - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod Slim - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - iCan't Believe It's Not Butter|
|iDevices:||iMac - iPad - iNuke - iRon - Apple Watch - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - IEye - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot - iCarly - iBauer - iWeapon - iSland|
|iHardware:||iGraters - iSpell Key - MacBook - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone|
|iSoftware:||iTunes - iMovie - iLinux - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5|
|i3rd Party Mods:||iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - iTrip - iHack|
|iOthers:||Neuroipods - iFraud - iCult|