Iced coffee

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“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at Iced Coffee.”
~ Oscar Wilde on iced coffee

Why did god create this fantasic milky delight? I shall begin by saying that clearly Australian iced coffee is the best. I went over to Bali for a holiday and to my shock and surprise an iced coffee was coffee with ice and sugar cane syrup. I quickly instructed them on the use of instant coffee and milk with a blender thus the Australian iced coffee began in Asia.

edit Paul's Iced Coffee

Iced coffee

Pauls Iced Coffee - Boongspeak for milk

Revered by Territorians world wide; Iced Coffee was once worshipped as a God in Australia's Northern Territory, bought to them by Paul the Apostle, acting under the orders of Saint Esaihas of Larrakeya. Ancient Territorians built massive monuments to the beverage prior to the arrival of Christian missionaries to the Northern Territory in 1983. Along with the Missionaries came milk, a substance unknown and alien to the local inhabitants. The local inhabitants of the Northern Territory were amazed when they discovered milk. When asked how they were unaware of milk but fully aware of pasteurised coffee flavoured milk the Territorians answered saying that they just simply never thought of not adding it. When accompanied with a nice bowl of Mi Goreng, Iced Coffee is truly his divine beverage.

Pauls Iced Coffee is definitely the best drink, and is the 4th most popular drink in NT after beer, petrol and bullshit. You just cannot go wrong, its only sold in the Northern Territory of Australia though. If you live in America or Mexico its well worth the trip.

edit Ingredients List

Pauls Iced coffee is real iced coffee, and the purest of commercially available iced coffees.

Ingredients list: Milk, Sugar, Coffee

Next time you reach for an Ice Break or Farmers Union, check out their ingredients list. They have all sorts of crap, like flavors, colours, food acids ect, and worst of all, 'coffee powder' (aka instant coffee, for the rednecks out there). All hallmarks of coffee-flavoured milk. Pauls Iced Coffee uses ground coffee, milk and sugar.

edit Side Effects

Due to its glorious flavour and caffeine Magic Powers, Iced Coffee is a highly addictive substance. Most territorians require a minimum of 600mLs per day in order to feed their addiction. Addicts forced to live without their daily Iced Coffee experience strong withdrawal symtomns including:

  • Partial or Total Blindness
  • Temporary loss of limbs
  • Irritability
  • Death
  • Inability to pronounce the 'T' in Planetarium
  • Self-cannibalism
  • Banana-in-ear syndrome
  • Getting beat up by random fat guys
  • Violence against trolley boys in the Casuarina car park

edit History

Prime Minister John Howard learned of Iced Coffee in 1998, and was outraged that such a crazy hallucinogen was freely available to kids. At the time, Iced Coffee was freely available in all the states and territories of Australia, and even inbred Tasmanians were getting a taste for the milky substance. A new law was passed in 1999 making Iced Coffee illegal in Australia. For 3 treacherous days, Scoffies were no where to be seen. However, after this outrageous banning, and in true Territorian spirit, a group of Darwin children ran into parliament house with bombs strapped to themselves threatening to kill the Prime Minister if he didn't leave Iced Coffee alone. After 20 deaths and about $20 million dollars damage, the good old Johnny Howard soon got the message. Iced Coffee was made freely available in the NT, however if anyone was caught with the Coffee in any other state they would be shot on sight. Thus, the Northern Territory is now the only place in the world to have Iced Coffee.

edit Farmers Union Iced Coffee

A product world renowned, The envy of other Milky, coffee flavored beverages, sold in Australia.

Masters, Brownes and Dare taste like dirty dish water in comparison. Tasteless, Victorian scum will argue otherwise. Though this is due to over consumption of the deadly narcotic VB that is known to dull the taste sensors, leaving them incapable of reaching enlightenment.

The only Iced Coffee master to have triumphed over the Farmers Union republic was the great and powerful Paul.

edit Sightings in the bible

During the time when fairies once ruled the earth with a iron fist a long forgotten bible was written. Scientists and translators have been decoding the messages for centuries until just last Wednesday night at about 9:43pm Australian Eastern Standard Time. Dr. Chris.P.Bacon finally broke the unbreakable but now breakable code. It had said: "In years to come milk will become holy as the fellow fairies of earth, only one milk will rule over others and those that do not follow the holy one will be destroyed after the seven o'clock news. Bow down to the holy NT Iced Coff..." The rest of the passage was destroyed by evil tyrants who had gone mad from drinking the so called "evil substance that is not better than the holy one" It also says in the new Catholic Bible that Iced Coffee is much better for the human body as "it taste so much better and is reduced fat!"(John 24:12) and also "Do not drink those substances that had not come from the earth" (Luke 567:543).

In recent years Shakespeare himself even said "Ay, thy NT Iced Coffee doth bring happiness to my head, anon anon my iced coffee"

It is also believed that the Spanish Inquisition was, in fact, a plot to acquire the recipe for Paul's Iced Coffee. Fortunately, the territorians, although not expecting it, thwarted the plot, using a clever combination of boomerangs and large metal ships.

Iced Coffee Addicts Anonymous To fight off the growing threat or epidemic of iced coffee addiction, Jepp has started a support group. This is the first support group of it's kind. All members must have consumed at least 2 cups of iced coffee per day for over a month.

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