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Icarus is the name given to the development of a solar heat beam diversion mirror, which will orbit the earth at incredibly high speed. The satellite mirror will, by remote control, be able to concentrate and redistribute light from the sun onto targets on the earth's surface - most notably areas under the poverty line. Africa will suffer dearly at the hands of this contraption. The machine is being designed in Perth, Western Australia - partly as a means to seek vengeance for the 'country bumpkin' label so graciously bestowed upon them, but also because in this dry, dusty old mining town there is little else for the population to engage themselves in.
Through a continent-wide 'curtain' beam, the impoverished population of Africa will be driven into the centre of the continent by slowly advancing said beam North and South simultaneously. It is predicted that hundreds of millions will have little choice other than to flock to the centre, to escape the incinerating wrath of Icarus. This will inevitably lead to the formation of a large conglomerate of the peoples of Africa somewhere in the Congo, and, through strategically slow, incremental advances with the beam, the conglomerate will be slowly crushed into a tightly packed mass. As the beam closes in further, the force of the pushers on the outside will increase exponentially in direct proportion to their fear of being incinerated, and we will soon see enough inward pressure to create the ideal environment for the synthesis of diamonds. At the critical level of compression, Icarus will then concentrate a single, all-encompassing beam into the centre of the compressed mass - turning the impoverished populations of Africa into one single gargantuan diamond. Western Australia will then begin an international diamond monopoly in Africa, selling synthetic diamonds at a fraction of the price one would normally expect to pay. Make poverty history- incinerate it. Then get diamonds. It's so brilliant it is somewhat arousing.
GPS-Operated Foe Vaporisation (GPSOFV)
It is well understood by Western Australians that once Icarus has been launched, Sydney will be the first to go. The latté-sipping financially complacent petit-bourgeoise republic of soccer-mum suburbia will be no more than a steaming, crater-ridden wasteland. Hopefully there will be some diamonds when it is inspected. But Icarus goes far further than merely incinerating try-hard grandoise cities - it's ability to refine and direct a beam of light no wider than 30 cm allows it to be used for personal attacks. Don't agree with that jerk over the shuffling of the poker cards? Then stop complaining and plug the coordinates into the Icarus GPS. Then put on your sunglasses. The worst that could happen is you lose a chair and portion of roof - but the neat pile of diamonds that will be left will more than cover it. That's the beauty of Icarus - any organic matter that is incinerated with enough heat will leave diamonds behind. How enjoyable.
Icarus, upon completion, has several primary targets after Sydney has been cast into an ethically parsimonious void of perdition. These are listed in order of decreasing urgency.
- Hale School chapel, Perth, WA. An absolute must - this building makes one's eyes gush blood upon sighting. A true abomination, designed with the torture of innocents in mind.
- Peter Garret's house. Seriously, it's gotta go. Trust me on this one. The incineration will be short and jocular.
- Seven network studios. Need more be said? What? You don't think so? That's it I'm plugging in your coordinates.
- Perth Modern music department.
- The United Nations Building - they seem to think that other nations have rights.
- Lesotho - simply because we can.
- Mark Baretta - this will instigate a national day of celebration amongst those who can see past the irrelevence of frequent 'V8' updates. Which reminds me:
- Holden. Holden. Everything Holden. The cars, the people, the merchandise, anyone who mentions the name of this most offensive excuse to not understand what the hell is going on in the world. AFL falls under the banner of 'Holden'.
For all the marauding malice Western Australia will demonstrate through the adoption of the world's first anti-poverty death-ray, they are not expected to stop there. Western Australian premier Alan Carpenter, when asked about further plans for third-world suppression and diamond conversion, replied:
"We'll build Icarus and make a fortune - there's no doubt about that. There won't be one citizen of Africa left that isn't part of a masonary drill-bit or counterfeit ring. But we've got more planned - I've always had a thing against Mars."
Mr Carpenter's apparrent hatred of Mars has led the media to believe that a Death Star is now under consideration by the state's council of elders, which would be used to indiscriminately attack planets at the discretion of the premier. This follows Mr Carpenter's recent declaration of war on behalf of the state on the distant solar system of Proxima Centauri, for no apparrent reason. It is unknown whether or not it harbours intelligent life.
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